Cricket For Dummies

An Explanation Behind Twatto's Performance

2011-04-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

I had even forgotten the Aussies were playing the Banglas today. I'm quite honestly not even giving much of a toss about the series; I've said before watching weaker teams getting themselves steamrolled isn't exactly one of my hobbies.

Shane Watson of course knows that and so he scores some 185 runs from 96 balls. Including 15 fours and 15 sixes. Will you look at that? I mean, CAN you even look at that?
I first thought Cricinfo had become a victim of a cyberattack to give me such incredible stats, but it turns out it is all true. I shouldn't be relinquishing my idea of dragging Twatto in a potato sack to jail anytime soon.

I do suspect two reasons behind such an insane innings however.

1- Twatto saw the nice pink outfit I've created for him and therefore played this beast of an innings in an attempt to impress me, so that I consequently have mercy on him and do not get him to wear it. On second thoughts though, he might have tried to impress me because he actually wants that I do send it to him because he feels the Desparate Housewife Outfit from company Team Barbie will suit him. Either way, he won't be getting it for free.

2- This was all really a campaign to kick out Bangladesh from the next WC and get Ireland in. Twatto felt if he could literally smack the Bangladeshi bowlers in the ground and mutilate them for life, the Banglas would not be able to play in the next WC. So that's his way of contributing his cent for the Associates' cause.

So, nothing too special about his innings.

Time to move on with life, people.

Hideous Outfits are A Crime

2011-04-10T06:15:00.000-07:00

Decided yesterday I'd tune in for a bit of IPL entertainment and hello, the 'Kochi Tuskers Kerala' are playing.

I think I'll try to decipher the genius behind the using of a three-word name for a sports team, but then the Kochi openers walk out and I'm offered something far more important to contemplate over.

Because I see this:

Now if you'd ask me what 'this' is then I'd tell you this is one of the greatest embarrassments in the history of colour matching. This isn't even innovative or funky, this is plain crap. And I don't know how many are willing to sacrifice their eyes for seeing Kochi play, I know I'm not.

I know it doesn't take much genius to understand what is wrong with this thing, but I still felt it needs to be criticised here because getting your team to wear this is a crime.
Quite seriously. I don't think it is okay if someone is made to look like an absolute nutjob before such a large audience (unless we're talking of politicians here.)
BB McCullum should have clung to his bedpost in obstinacy.

I, however, have to see some optimism in the industry of making hideous outfits. It means there is a possible chance of us ever getting to see Shane Watson play in this:

Desparate Housewife Twattonette of Team Barbie, ready to change the world with a magic wand.

Start A Revolution and Kill the ICC

2011-04-08T00:49:00.000-07:00

There's been plenty of brouhaha created by cricket's most incompetent and easily dislikeable dunderheads- the ICC. And not for the first time.

Kicking out the Associate Chickens without the slightest ounce of respect and concern beats it all though. This is a hotchpotch of mercenary aims, avarice and depravity all masked by the pretence of 'doing what's best for cricket'. The ICC are in effect criminals and the kind of criminals who cannot be negotiated with. And they do have evil bosses too.

Plus, they regard us true cricket fans as dead germs on the bathroom. Yes, that's what they think of you and me.

Therefore, I propose we start a revolution for cricket's better fate and in a bloody takeover, kill the ICC. Right now, it's the best solution possible because history tells us when they absolutely won't listen to you, you just have to take out your bazooka and deal with matters this way.

Go ahead and shoot the ICC like the spectacled villains they are.
And while you're at it, try looking a bit like a leprechaun.

Comic: 6 Reasons Why World Cups Are Both Great and Horrible

2011-04-06T03:12:00.000-07:00

At last, I managed to finish a first comic.

Read, enjoy, give feedback and spread the love friends.

First, Why They're Awesome:

1. World Cups mean 24 hours of cricket and popcorn.

World Cups mean no more having to watch stinky movies on HBO. World Cups mean something cricket-related will always be on the television and your cricket addicted guts will devour it all until the Yeti will break into your house and take you to some snowy mountains to be devoured along with pasta.

2. During World Cups People Talk more About Cricket Than Paris Hilton and Politics

World Cups are big and exciting, so basically everyone thinks it's cool to start talking about cricket. Hearing so many people talk about cricket the reminds you how cool and awesome cricket is and that it is destined for world domination.

3. Associate Chickens* Get A Chance to Kick Down the Bigger Bullies

The Associate Cricket Nations normally live in a world where they play chicken vs chicken matches. Not in World Cups. In World Cups they enter the coliseum with a mad bison. They usually get trampled over like a handicapped bug, but sometimes emerge as victorious, and the sight of them making necklaces out of the slain monster's intestines is incredible.

*associate chickens are the brave associate cricketing nations as explained in this post.

And now we come to the part which explains why World Cups suck.

4. Associate Chickens Get Slaughtered And Crushed And Mutilated

And this happens more than point 3 with the stronger countries shamelessly behaving like psychopathic dinosaurs who haven't eaten for days.

5. The Advertisements, the Advertisements with Cricketers and Ravi Shastri

This could probably be applied to any big sporting tournament, but the 100 times-in-a-day repetition of some 10 ads and Ravi Shastri bellowing his eternally preserved favourite phrases makes one so mentally deranged and hungry for living a life under a dark cloak of obscurity at the end that it needs to be mentioned.

6. Dealing with having your team kicked out of the tournament

Life starts feeling like one gigantic ball of slime. You'd better be born a rhinosaur millions of years ago or be dead. Especially when you exist with the knowledge that there are people around who can still be drugged with the reveries of their team winning the final.

The End.

On One Win and Two Losses and Little Happiness

2011-04-03T00:15:00.000-07:00

Right, I decided it's time to come out of my hiding.

Not that I was hiding in any case though, I mean come on, can you imagine me as a gigantic milksop becoming a recluse just because first the Saffers slaughtered themselves and then the Stanis crashed out too? Of course not.

I quite fancied the opportunity of spewing so many emotional tirades out here, but didn't have time for that. So instead I passed the week feeling like some really rotten egg. But now I have to talk about three things, here we go.

On India's Win Yesterday

I felt like a snotty curmudgeon.
But then those Indian players were such jolly nice fellows for dedicating this Cup to Sachin in their emotional outpourings and gustos, because then I could picture the more endearing reality of Sachin being the sole reason for India's win and Sachin floating around the stadium like a winged Cupid spreading love and goodness and all was well for me.

Plus, I could smugly think how South Africa has been the only team in the tournament to have beaten India, the WC champs, which makes us kind of better than the champs.

Plus, Gary Kirsten was Sachin's sidekick in winning the tournament and he's South African. We're absolutely getting him as our coach now, oh yes.

Plus, I grudgingly have to admit India were quite good. And because of the nice Indian people I know this win has slightly become more bearable. (But you really haven't, Harbhajan Singh.)

On Pakistan's Loss That Day

Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Who and what the hell do I believe? Rehman Malik, the people, stupid decisions?

On South Africa's Loss the Other Day

It went like this:
"Aaaah, we're winning this. Yes, 220, I'll take that, I'll take that....oh, Hash's gone..good work Biff and Jakes..NOoo...go, go AB....SHIT...I hate you for all eternity Faf...please, please, please, Botes and Peterson, I implore you..do BAT...another gone..noo...they're losing this...no they aren't....yes they are....shut up they aren't...YOU SHUT UP THEY ARE...and why am I watching this in a friggin hotel room where I can't even break the television? Damn, they've lost....right, hold back your tears Sunny, hold them back...there's other folks in the room..manoevre your way carefully out...go straight to the bathroom...now you can...WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN?"

But as usual, I forgave them.

And at the End

The World Cup is over, finally.
Bring on a 90-match torture of IPLling I say. YES.

Sachin Tendulkar- like King Arthur, Merlin the Wizard and a nice Hobbit.
So more like a fairytale character than a cricketer.

Ps- First comic will be coming out soon..and it's about the World Cup...

The Beauty of It All

2011-03-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to be neutral in this game.

But then there were wild scenes of Lance Klusener and Allan Donald going bonkers.

And Australia holding the cup in 1999 grinning like green frogs.

And again in 2003.

And again in 2007.

And then there was this disturbing image of Ricky fondling a fifth World Cup and kangaroos with bloodshot eyes jumping around the world, and at this moment my sanity returned.

Australia had to lose.

For the sake of cricket.

For the sake of a new champion.

For the sake of a Pak-India semifinal.

And maybe for the sake of seeing the World Cup being reflected in the swaying Head and Shoulders sponsored hair of Afridi, Kamran Akmal swooning at the beauty of the moment and Shoaib Akhtar chosing not to become a popstar in return.

Lovely.

Ps: Yes, no regular posting these days, I know. Just a little busy and might be away for the next couple of days as well..boohoo.

Winning and Winning

2011-03-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Match One:

Under tense circumstances, (but still being brashly optimistic) the Deshis take the field. The South Africans post a goodish score.

A goodish score is obviously not what the Deshis wanted and so they play the "Heck, we're never going to make it" game and bundle out for 78. Lopsy and Robbie P are so formidable that them living in obscurity some 2-3 years back looks like a miracle.

At the post match presentation, Shakib utters that eternal word of captivating beauty, that word which has dabbled on the lips of countless criminals and rabble-rousers, and in typical movie sense, ultimately led to their their redemption: "Sorry".
He doesn't get any redemption but at least makes it safely to the hotel with his team.
That's better than redemption.

Match Two:

On a naughty wicket in Colombo, the Stanis take on the Aussies. The Aussies think they'll do better than the Deshis and go on to score a hundred more. But, "Sorry", says Umar Akmal. "I've got to be the MoM today and praise me and my bro. Gotta win this game".
The Aussies lose.

Yes they do.

First time since 1999 in a World Cup.

Feels good.

An Ode to Shoaib Akhtar

2011-03-18T09:54:00.000-07:00

The earth goes bellowing and screaming
"A stampede of bisons?"
"King Kongs swarming around in tons?"
No twits, it's mad monster Shoaib that runs.
Runs around in skinny pants of cheetah skin,
Throwing up chaos, living his life in sin.

Badass badie the mad monster is,
But better than Godzilla to watch.
So oh, how we will miss him,
Miss him when he's left.
But then he had not much life left with which to brim.
Or more accurately, the limbs weren't a match
For all the toils of a cricket match.

Yet we will remember what batsmen used to remember
"Oh, the screams, the thumping hearts-
That awful time before the mad monster's over starts."

Red Bull gives you wiiings.

Ps- The last two lines of the poem come from Max Fatchen's poem 'Look Out', a poem I'm crazily obsessed with. And no, of course he didn't talk about a mad monster bowling, I changed that part.

Windies, the Heartbreakers

2011-03-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Really, that didn't feel good.

The Windies just drained my anticipation of celebrating an England elimination through the gutter.
Sulieman Benn, you effin giant, why do you run like you're to be dealt with the bat of Vivian Richards? I can't comprehend why. Neither what England are doing in this World Cup.

I've had this feeling about England being the intriguing clowns of this World Cup, but clowns who eventually fail when it's time for their final big act. I so anticipated about being confirmed about this, but now I might have to wait till the quarters for that to happen.

And for all the right reasons, I hope they play a quarter final against the Stanis. Imagine that, cricket's two greatest jesters taking over the field and displaying the most enjoyable kind of insanity and buffoonery. Plus, to finish all this Stani-doppelganger business and see who the real Stanis are.

It's bad, bad for the Windies too. Gutted for them on missing out on a chance of becoming heart throbs. But still, they get the picture of the match.
It's Andre Russell who walks in the air on rocket shoes.

Biff's Hatemail

2011-03-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Sender: Just a Saffa supporter..will make no mention of Minki and your weight.

Hello Boofus Biff,

Did you just notice that nickname? It's alliterative. I love alliterations.

But since you're not a literary person and therefore might get easily bored, I'll quickly jump to the serious business. In addition to that I promised above that I won't mention the fact that you're an absolute walrus who appears to devour watermelons as candies, I will also not try to kill you with online-operated laser technology.

So, it's safe to continue and read. And we can talk serious business.

You've been pretty crap of late, haven't you? I mean, your batting- one hopeless gigantic pile of horrendous crap. I don't know why that might be, cricket experts are telling me it's a temporary mid-career phase and that your average will soon start ballooning again. But...that doesn't solve the problem. Particularly when we are playing a bloody World Cup.

Then there's another problem. We can't drop you because you're the captain. Though I normally support the policy which states that captains are not undomitable creatures who reserve a place in the team for all eternity regardless of how they play, I don't want you to go as yet. You're a bit of a good captain and chucking you out right now would feel like kicking out a senile and rusty emperor in the last year of his rule. That's so very impetuous.

Plus, because of you, Illegal King Hash has to speed his innings and sometimes resort to playing silly shots. The same goes for AB and our 'fantastic four' or top order isn't really a fantastic four when only two dudes are performing, And then our middle order has the capacity of sucking big.

And yes, Jakes is being a fat useless walrus too. But not as useless as you currently.

Cheers,

A serious well-wisher and giver of free advice.

Ps: "Smith is a total chop, if he bates like this in the quarter finals we coming home.Drop the chop now and get someone that can bat.Smith is the ACHILLIS heal of the team"

Pps: I didn't write the above comment. Did you really think my spellings are that bad?

A Case of Errupting One's Brain

2011-03-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

I'm high.
I galloped over galaxies in the sky
Where Indians were frying Nehra into a braai.

The stars melted into pots of gold,
Bronze statues of Robbie P stood everywhere,
A couple of Steyn ones were also near.

Rainbows came cascading down,
Illegal King Hash became the sun at dawn,
The world was glorious with a gold-tipped crown.

The load was great, my skull grew fissures.
There was kaboom and my brain spat out,
Tidbits of it on the wall.
But for a joy well fought,
A bit of brain less wasn't the end of it all.

The Poms Are Kind of...

2011-03-11T22:07:00.000-08:00

The Poms.

HAHAHA.

They're one bag of riddles and absurdity in this World Cup.
Otherwise they wouldn't have lost to Ireland and the Banglas, but at least Andrew Strauss can go back to being all diplomatic about his campaign to resurrect the weak cricket nations.
Or saying "We still believe we can".

All teams apparently believe they can win this World Cup. It's an essential statement every captain has to make but most of the time translates to 'No, we don't really because we know we're crap and all and we feel queasy when it comes to big games, but we have to say it to look self-confident and optimistic, which is so trendy for every sportsman.'

So the Poms might have to believe they can, or the British press will have the time of their lives (criticising is so much easier than praising unless you're a thoroughly trained sycophant)- therefore, the Windies absolutely need to win against them.
Comparisons to the Stani team are appearing alongwith a victory reminiscent of 1992 so they need to be stopped NOW.

There's only one Stani team and that's it. The Poms need to be proven as a bunch of amateurs in the field of being interesting and insane.
They're slowly becoming even likeable for some.

And this is something I felt like making. Because at least yesterday I could laugh heartily.

The joy of watching Strauss despair.

Ps- Rubbish title, I know. It's the Poms fault though.

On Choking And A Saffer Problem

2011-03-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Time I finally wrote about a few horrors.

The first horror I had *that* day was the obnoxious catapulting of this tennisball of a thought in my head "Now I'm going to have to hear that word again." It sometimes feels even worse than South Africa actually losing.

I've read writers rambling about removing the choker word from cricket's lexicon because it's become cliché, but don't expect journalists to abide by that anytime soon. Oh no, the word choker alone induces a series of uncontrollable laughter and images of slap-stick comedy losses performed by the Saffers over years. Don't let's do away with that.

The thing is, if choking is just a form of losing, and one where a loss occurs for a team that was expected to win and among other things succumbed to anxiety and agitation, then it would be a pleasure if it were used for other teams as well. Because every other team now and then loses this way. So maybe South Africa did choke that day, but so have others. For examples, read the King's post.
For now, I'm stopping about this exhaustive thing.

Coming to serious business, South Africa do have some genuine problems and the biggest one is that their middle/lower order is like pudding for kids. Too wobbly, too unstable.
Interestingly, it's one of the reasons Boucher was left mulling in SA, so we could have a bazooka of a batsman taking over and stabilize this order. Didn't happen then because neither Faf nor Ingram nor Van Wyk are superman batsmen. They're okay, but just not blokes like Razzaq or Mussey. And blokes like them we need.

It's not a question of skill I reckon, but it's like they're too afraid to parade around relentlessly with a bazooka. You need guts for that and currently they're doing a good job of not employing those. Wimpiness is our middle order's greatest weakness now I think, and though it's not impossible to win a World Cup while that factor remains, it can make the task a whole lot difficult. And it's not as if it isn't difficult enough already.

So to our batsmen, go borrow a few matchsticks from Cap'n Shahid and have a few fireworks. Fireworks looks pretty.

Pretty indeed.

This is Eating Me Up

2011-03-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

We had South Africa's game yesterday, a lot happened, and I still haven't posted. So I thought I'd let you all know I'm not hiding (come on, why would I?) only have some bloody work to do. No time, no time.
Hopefully serious posting tomorrow because I have to spit out a few things. It's corroding slightly inside.

In the meanwhile I found this interesting picture to ponder over.
Since everyone is so loving it to talk about choking, here's a picture where Faf is caught trying to do it literally. And of all persons, Robbie P.

Why South Africa Should be Supported

2011-03-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

If I dictated the rules of cricket fandom, it would of course be obligatory to support South Africa all the time. But for now I'm staying away from pipedreams and just making one request: Support the Saffers Tomorrow.

Why you ask?

I'll tell you why.

Tomorrow we are playing the Poms. As you all know, the Poms must be beaten. If the Poms are beaten, there's a dramatic increase in their chances of early World Cup elimination. Which consequently will result in elimination. Which consequently will result in fewer South Africans, Indians and Stanis wanting to play for the Poms. Which consequently will result in fewer grumpy people. Which consequently will result in a happier world.

You get the idea.

And you will also support them because Illegal King Hash plays for them. Look, he even has a white palace.

Sunil Gavaskar's Masterpiece

2011-03-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

I'm guilty of not blogging after the Saffas' game yesterday and it's got slightly to do with the game being in the morning. Morning games often mean I'll miss them and then have to catch up with the arduous task of trying to get some decent highlights somewhere.

Anyhow, I didn't miss much.

The Boofus Biff was scratchy again, Haircules got out quickly again (yes, 'again') and Hash and AB as usual had to do a revival job in their own fashions, one as I read on Cricinfo like a 'sage' and the other like a 'surfer boy'. There's nothing particular about that except for that it invokes a image of King Hash the Illegal meditating in a yoga posture on AB's surfboard, who's gliding over the sharks in yellow-and-red striped swimming trunks. I mean, just like the unbearable colours on his website.

So I'll save your time and just bring to notice the best moment of the match.

It was a piece of Sunil Gavaskar's commentary brought to my notice while reading a forum. It's peerless in being uncomprehending and hilarious, which is actually quite difficult to do nowadays considering Danny Morisson and Co. exist.

It goes like this. AB who is playing the amazing energizer bunny rabbit again, loots Loots (sorry for the pun, I couldn't resist it) for three consecutive sixes.

Memories of Gibbs hitting six sixes are immediately conjured up as AB reaches the possibility of doing it and Robin Jackman quickly says "Now don't let us mention it yet."

Gavaskar then thinks he should say something too. So he takes Jackman's sentence as a cue and starts prattling on about Gibbs' six sixes and the possibility of AB doing it too.

Either he's become deaf by sitting in the commentary box besides Ravi Shastri, or he's a bit slow.

The Poms Had A Cunning Plan

2011-03-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

Strauss appears in the doorway of the press room.

"Before we start this, I implore you all to stay absolutely silent while I speak. Kind of like shutting up."

Before a nonplussed audience, he then smugly parades to the table and drops himself in the chair. He smirks.

"I know all of you reporters here think I silenced you for a sincere apology. That is bollocks, total bollocks...STOP IDIOTS. You do not write this. You write what I tell you to write, that's how it works. Just like my team plays how I tell them to play."

The room starts buzzing with murmurs of match-fixing.

Strauss beams now. His cleverness just knows no limits, he's twirled these media fatheads around his finger; he knows it.

"Aha, gents, your socks have jumped off your feet now, haven't they? But that's how it sits. We deliberately lost yesterday so....STOP IDIOTS. In the name of the Queen don't write match-fixing. You'll phrase it as 'The Benevolent Self-Sacrifice of the English to the Irish'. I'll tell you all why."

Strauss takes a pause to allow the anticipation for the grand moment to sink in. He smiles at the thought of how he's kicking ass better than Colin Firth.

"Gents, I ask you these serious questions. How many interesting matches we've had so far this tournament? 3. Did we play all of those three? Yes. How many times were minnows involved? Twice. How many times did we win? Once. If that doesn't ring a bell in your heads, you're all bigger prats than Colly who's the only one who thinks we didn't lose deliberately for the better good of cricket and therefore a MUCH greater cause."

The room starts buzzing again.

"Yes people, pick away a tear at that. I, Andrew Strauss, single-handedly decided to bring back cricket to life. I scored that 158 against India despite losing more calories than Bressy has in his entire body. I dropped O'Brien yesterday. I am the new Gladiator and together with my loyal Poms, we'll revive cricket including Associate Cricket. Colly we will of course banish to Ireland because he's a ginger and probably even a leprechaun and can therefore not be a part of our campaign. That's how it sits, now write your stories and Toodles to y'all."

He dashes to the door where suddenly O'Brien enters, rips of Strauss' head and puts it on a stick.
"I was amazing. I was Genghis Khan with pink hair. I was why Ireland won and the bloody English lost. That's what you write down, nutters."

He marches out and Colly follows out, throwing gold coins to the audience.

"I shall be the saviour of cricket and have a statue of myself made at Madame Tussaud's."

A Pakistan 'the Good, the Bad and the Ugly'

2011-02-26T22:24:00.000-08:00

The way the Stanis are winning these days must be scaring at least some teams their pants off. Because the Stanis are winning despite their typical derangements, and any team which can win without playing very sane and consistently adhering to the ritual of doing something oddball, is, well as I said, SCARY.

Yesterday's game was one where the Lankans might have been tipped to win, but instead they now have to rue the loss of Chamara Silva who has reportedly been strangled. Hahaha, Sangakarra laughs manically, he hates tortoises.

Towards the goodies, badies and uglies now.

The Good

- The Stanis winning. Their madness is the most likeable when they win, and we need likeable madness in cricket. Oh, absolutely.
- Batting. The 'Stanis can bat' tag is now permanent.
- Misbah-ul-Haq is batting like he's the bloody captain and that's great because he isn't.
- Shoaib Akthar. He told me if he's going to take a fiver this World Cup, he'll give me a free flight over Madagascar.
- Hafeez getting runout. I didn't see it, but apparently it was the best case of a couple of players' brains getting stolen by an evil bogeyman (you have to believe in those) for a few seconds.
- Cap'n Shahid. I think he can bowl.

The Bad

-The fielding. Today I'm introducing the 'Stanis can't field' tag.
- Umar Gul. Ever since I heard about his legendary reverse-swing, I've seen a bowler being loved by the batsmen more and more. Too, too expensive.
- Misbah-ul-haq still has the audacity to try and play *that* shot.

The Ugly

Kamran Akmal looking like a pistol in a jumping pose. Pistols fire and cause destruction but Kakmal was crap yesterday so it's a shame he's trying to look like one.

"Go get that ball, ye scoundrels or I'll fire myself."

Say Hello to Imran Tahir

2011-02-26T06:06:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gents and chickens and hens, South Africa have just introduced their new and immaculately polished product. It's golden-sprayed at the top and is claimed to be a leggie.

It's called Imran Tahir.

You are very welcome to think that I'm a very late+lame advertiser or product introducer (I've never been a brick in marketing names. You're welcome to enlighten me), but that's probably because my other occupations have still not been reported to the police.

Anyhow, Imran Tahir.

I'm not going to delve into how bloody awesome he is, or the angles and peerless techniques of his bowling. It is enough to know that the Aussies are trying to kidnap him, so we are guarding him in a cage made of T-rex bones and the Boofus Biff himself keeps the keys with him. Ps- don't even try Ricky. The BB bites and doesn't even brush his teeth.

What I'm more interested in saying is that South Africa should actually play him now that they've let us all say hello to him. Does it feel great to say 'hello' to a new bloke only to later learn he's been locked away in some murky cellar? I think so not.
It looked slightly insane to play with three spinners against the Windies, and not because we reputedly only have doorknob-fiddlers. The idea behind it likely was to put the three of them under scrutiny. Not so stupid then, but none of them really failed. Robbie P will still be the guy having to move out, and probably because Botes thought he'd take a couple of wickets. Cunning robot.

The second thing about Tahir was him kissing the Protea badge, while he is a Stani. I'm very cockahoop about him playing for us, but he can keep those Figjammy works away from the public, else the public is going to think he's cocky and a traitor. And he doesn't look like a cocky traitor even though I'm massively opposed to his suspicious-looking dyed hair.

I thought you'd say hello to his wife too, who is also the reason why he's in the Saffa team

Just Remember the Name...

2011-02-22T23:55:00.000-08:00

Sadly, few will remember the embarrassing Pom exploits we had yesterday (except for people who have an overobsession with being nit-picky and writing essays on fielding errors) but that's how things are. People rarely remember the things they should and quite often remember things they shouldn't because what we shouldn't is almost always so darn interesting...
Okay, I'm wandering away there, but it might be due to the last stage of fever that's currently biting off the edges of my brain. But I like to think I'm still perfectly sane.

Anyhow, I was talking about remembering something that ALL of you should, and it's not the Pommie gobsmackery. It is the name of Holland's hero yesterday which I've been seeing shamelessly mispronounced and misspelled (one s or two ss? I really can't be bothered).

Calling him Tendo is the easiest way out and I'm okay with that because he uses it on his own website and it's the best way of referring to someone when you have no freakin idea how to spell or pronounce his name.
But when you say 'Ten-Doo-Skatay" then I'm just declaring war. Haha, yes, hide under your quilts you criminals known as Sanjay Manjrekar and Nasser Hussain. I'm coming over to give Dutch lessons till you look like orange bunny carrots.

And if the rest of you don't want to have Dutch lessons and look like orange bunny carrots, call him Tendo or "Tun-doo-s.." This is horrible. I realise there is no 'g' sound in English like the one we have in Dutch. Which means none of you can pronounce it. And I should forgive you all.

This must qualify as my worst post ever and it's because of a fever I think I have.

Just call him Tendo. He appreciates that.

Who Wants an Associate Chicken Legpiece?

2011-02-20T06:32:00.000-08:00

I know that's weirdly titled, but that's how I was thinking when Sehwag was gobbling up Bangladesh like marshmallows. And then I had to ponder over the poor fate over the not so strong sides participating in the cup, and how their genocide will gradually start, and how I will be left with a queasy stomach...

Ps 1-But not if it's South Africa doing it. I'm allowed to be biased.
Ps 2- My word, just see how Kenya were roasted today.

So that actually had me thinking whether the poor lads were better off playing a World Cup or not. If I were a chicken, which is something very queasy to imagine, I'd hide under berry-bushes rather than have myself fried into a BBQ. I would of course be a very coward kind of chicken but it'd at least save my life, but that's CLEARLY not how the Associates think.

They're brave chickens.

They want to fight the tigers, the elephants and the king kongs of the world.

They usually end up being fingerlickin' good tidbits, but sometimes they actually can peck out the eye of the monster they're facing.

And that's why some of them need to be given the opportunity.

But now the ICC doesn't want plucky chickens to parade in cricket world cups anymore and have reduced the number of teams to 10.
In one way that's okay considering I don't have to see chickens being devoured so often which is repulsive and slighty boring.
But it's not very nice to the Associates who aren't really fond of being left out like that. Some bloke from Cricket Kenya said:
"We are disturbed about the whole issue."

I told you they are brave chickens. Now they're cuckoo chickens too.

It's not smart if you want to develop cricket in other countries, (but it's not as if the ICC was ever very concerned with that anyway)- 12 teams could at least have been allowed. Or if that is too big a request, what do the smart gents think of allowing the Associates play against the Test nations apart from a WC occasionally?

It's necessary because without the chickens cricket isn't really global.

And because I love chickens.

After the Opening Ceremony

2011-02-18T04:19:00.000-08:00

I looked somewhat like this.

Less colours and dance, and probably an elephant race with the captains would have been pretty damn cool.

But they don't do damn cool things then so very often.

Furball Monsters for WC Support

2011-02-16T08:44:00.000-08:00

I'm slightly bored.

Or maybe I don't have much of an idea what to write so I'm staying silent, but staying silent for a bit too long gets all too weird, so I thought I'd say hello with this post and most nobly ask all of you whether you'd want one of those silly furball monster cartoons to show your support- like the one I have in my sidebar.

I know most of you are grownups...but still. You don't need to get all grownuppy in a World Cup. So if you feel like, ask me what you'd want to be written in the support banner and let your gigantic support for your WC team shine high and eye-dazzlingly bright through this monster on your profile pics of whatever wonderful social network, website or thing on the internet you're using. You can also paste it on your waterbottles if you want, of course.
That makes you so more childlikey and so less grownuppy which is pretty cool.

Okay, I'm going mad, but here it is:

Ps. I know the original message being erased isn't looking neat but that's easy to be changed. Didn't feel like doing it right now.

Salman Butt the Commentator

2011-02-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

After hearing the news that Salman Butt is going to be doing a commentary job for a Pakistani sports channel, I must confess I seriously feel he has the audacity of a true bastard.
And he doesn't even look like one.

So what would one do if one's misdeeds were placed all exposed before the world to see? Normally, the criminal cringes first with shame. And then he does his best to become a recluse and save his face to become the endless target of deploring looks and a PCB chairman's froggy smiles. (Ijaz Butt teddies are even up for sale nowadays to hug the poor criminals whom no one wants to hug).

Salman Butt is clearly not following that normal procedure and he cites him having the need to earn a livelihood as the case and using his 'experience'. If he'd be sharing his unusual and rare experience of how to act suave and then get involved in spot fixing, then that's believable. But his cricket knowledge? I'm not sure how many would want to hear of that.
The only fun watching him on TV would be trying to discover the tiniest traces of remorse on his face, which is unlikely.

And oh, he doesn't deserve half a million for the job.

Lalalala, say the ICC. We're not listening.

Hello, I'm Salman Butt your commentator for the night and will present you with my nauseating views on how to earn money through any use or misuse of cricket.

The Endless Confusion That Imran Tahir's Hair Creates

2011-02-09T06:40:00.000-08:00

Imran Tahir has hair on his head. I'm sure you noticed.

But yesterday, before he left for India I noticed it's like electrocuted dry grass.
Why does it look like electrocuted dry grass?
Has Imran Tahir an over-obsession with hair gel?
Does Imran Tahir have an even greater over-obsession with hair dye?
Does Imran Tahir's hairdresser regularly treat porcupines as his clients?
Does Imran Tahir look in the mirror before he leaves his house?
Did Graeme Smith scare Imran Tahir by appearing in a ballet outfit at Shane Warne's musical?

You tell me.

Everything seems possible.

Hi, I have weird hair.

Pakistan's Batting is Perplexing Me

2011-02-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a while and some of you must have noticed, but the Stani batting scorecards are no longer the bloody sheets with mathematical figures that predictably surprise you. And that they no longer are, is what surprises me.

A while ago, about 5 games in a row of an ordinary Pakistani season went like this in terms of batting:

All tipsy-turvy and crazy the way it's supposed to be.
But now, since the past couple of series, it's like this:

In the series against South Africa earlier, they didn't record a single below 200 score.
In the series against NZ, including the Tests, they've done it only once.

I haven't paid much attention to the current series, and just noticed a few good individual scores, but I think it's time to start believing in miracles again.

And remove the 'Stanis can't bat' tag.

A New Outfit and How Graeme Smith Murdered His Cake

2011-02-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

I think it's forbidden to keep high hopes from outfit designers to do anything half-decent.

Because however much you try to think they'll probably have learned from the stinker of a uniform they previously created (morone french green for instance) they will amazingly succeed at creating something even more revolting.
Such as the new outfit of the Proteas

Clearly the importance of good attire is nothing to them.

It's so horrendous that most of the Proteas weren't even bothered to look in the camera, and I actually figured out a whole lot going on there. Certainly, and the focus will particularly shift to Graeme Smith who was the B-day boy and something sinister going on.

The not-so-little discoveries

The anticipation.

The dogged determination.

The eventual murder.

Cricket < Fairytales. Right Now.

2011-01-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

This might be kind of a nothing post, but that's probably because I'm feeling bored like now. In regard to cricket.

It's so serious that I've turned to googling Tim Burton films and feel like watching that rainbow sizzling Alice in Donderland or something again. It feels creepy to feel slightly demented and there actually is some cricket going on and the World Cup is approaching.....yet.

Yet I feel like watching Alice in Underland.

I think I can partly blame it on the most brilliant devour-cricket-until-you-vomit-it tactic of the year; 15 tests between Australia and England in two years. Snotty faced nitwits.

World Cup predictions are also absolutely nothing for me. I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'm a Nostradamus Nutjob.
I think I've got something to say about the format, but that's something serious and I'm revolting against writing serious cricket right now.

So maybe it's just better to do nothing right now and watch some nitwits in Alice of Wonderland.

But here's a picture of the Cheshire Cat who I happen to love.
Just like that.

Hello, I'm a cuddly clever nitwit.

Save Afridi

2011-01-28T01:00:00.000-08:00

The PCB, being the incumbent plonkers that they are, have set one unlikely campaign of saving Captain Crackpot going. It sits like this. The PCB basically got overwhelmed by the 7 in a row fifties of the man who's never learned to play a paddlescoop his entire life and are contemplating whether this Test skippie might do better than Afridi in the World Cup.

I'm quite interested in knowing where PCB storehouse of lunacy is located. For fun I'd squander it among the less privileged, wise people on earth.

But what was I saying, the PCB are massive idiots for what they're doing, even though them being so idiotic in gigantic proportions is not a novelty so I need to tell myself to get used to it. But I think I can't because Afridi has been groomed for ODI captain since more than a year, has actually done well, and above all, actually tried to take his batting a bit more seriously. Despite him being psychotic, he remains the best ODI captain option.

Misbah-ul-Haq isn't even a permanent ODI fixture, and added to this he's just captained for a morsel of Tests, so even thinking about it is bollocks.

I was overwhelmed to know our favourite Potato captain Inzi had something to say about this and it bloody does make good sense. Though I have to say these Stani players have a thing for fights and squabbles; drilling away like mad at the small fissure only the delay of naming a captain has caused.

HAHA, THEY'RE PELTING TOMATOES AT EACH OTHER, LET'S GET OUT THE BLOODY BAZOOKAS.

It's time the PCB got their crap right.

This post was supposed to be published 3 days ago, but it wasn't to be because of some bloody annoying internet complications which have not finished as yet.

Yusuf Pathan is linked to Beastiness

2011-01-23T09:55:00.000-08:00

With South Africa winning there comes the natural inclination of turning all beasty and talking about the six pack abs of the muscled giant our team is. Don't laugh. They will smash your nose if you will.

But then I thought of what happens when you're beasty.

I think my mamma told me once a beast then comes to fetch you.

Something like Yusuf Pathan.

Who is actually a comparatively nice monster.

And looks like this.

They'll have him replicas of him in the market soon; furry beasts to be cuddled to death. Something which I'd gladly done if he had entirely butchered and conquered my poor Saffer boys today, and he nearly had.

Beast.

Our Mission Men for the CWC

2011-01-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

Right, time we talked about this South African WC squad.

It isn't one of the sort which would send me screaming to Andrew Hudson's house with a bazooka in my hand, because there is some sanity in the selection. That, and I'm not really fond of killing people.

Mark Boucher isn't in it. Jakes didn't throw a tantrum this time, but in sad fairytale words, one of the three dreams of these two besties, to win a World Cup, is gone now. I feel for you Bouch, I know how it is when the villain sniggers at the end of the story.

The villain in question, Andrew Hudson, had brains enough to choose an extra wickie in the form of Van Wyk, just in case AB breaks his back.

The only uncapped player making it is Imran Tahir and seeing how much he's played in the series against India, he might remain uncapped. Excellent, and at his cost Robbie P might get a few games to play. South Africa are ready to this just because it portrays a kind of maverick genius when you leave your dream spinner with real talent for a bloke who can only bowl lollipops and shows his face in a cricket field once a year.

"Hello, I'm here to torture you all again."

And then they say Robbie P is there on 'merit'.

Seems like they also got really enough of Albie and although he's been crap since a while, I do feel for him. They have been treating him like a dead germ in the bathroom since a while now.

What really amazes me is that this is what 4 years of development to the next CWC has led to. An uncapped player, two domestic players who have played under 10 matches, and Miller who they persisted with, has been dropped. With some of this madness, we might actually win a World Cup.

But South Africa does look in a shaky shape.

And I don't know whether one needs to be happy or sad about that.

The entire squad:
Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, AB de Villiers (wk), JP Duminy, Faf du Plessis, Colin Ingram, Jacques Kallis, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Robin Peterson, Dale Steyn, Imran Tahir, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Morne van Wyk (wk)

Why I Wouldn't Touch the WC Trophy

2011-01-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

Because a whole army of germs is living on it. And when it comes to germs, I'm as paranoid as Howard Hughes.

SA Can Do With a Few Beatings

2011-01-19T06:50:00.000-08:00

It's not that I enjoy beatings, it's just that a few occasional drubbings can be very good. Especially when it's scarily close to a World Cup.

Yesterday I luckily didn't turn into a spewing rageball because my brain considered it more worthwhile to consider what half-baked business South Africa actually did out there and what they could learn from it (and drubbings are for learning.)

First, it's better to admit that Yusuf Pathan was one effin ferocious King Kong out there who chucked South Africa into chaos. Cool dude and I'm glad he overshadowed his brother who I don't happen to like. Yeah, in the words of a smug Yusuf, get lost Irfan. It's my ass-kick time.

But now to our problems.

The squad combination was okay, finally Faf Du Plessis got a game and now he's even in the WC. Good guy and he's got a palindrome as a name. But when Smith will feel like fulfilling his damn dream of seeing a talented spinner like Imran Tahir play is apparently still open to speculation and might not be till the WC. Reeks of stupidity, give the bloke at least one bloody game.

When we dropped catches and got scared of balls racing to the boundary was where the tumble started. India took stunners in the field and there we were, letting no less than 3 catches go down. Jonty Rhodes is ashamed of you.

Botes was expensive again and gradually I'm getting assured he is a vulnerable to-be slapped bowler in situations like yesterday's match. Sorry Botes, but since those villains said you couldn't bend your arm a few degrees more, you've not been so very effective. And I don't like it.

The PP wasn't very funny either, and I assume they didn't take notes from the first two games. It's amazing why you always have to wait till the end to take it.
Morne was a rare consolation of the game and he even messed it up towards the end. But I'll blame Twatthajan for being so very capable of hitting sixes at times for it. Bah.

The WC squad is out too, but word on that later. The selectors have been playing tiddlywinks with it.

Cartoon: Should You Love Shane Watson?

2011-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Shane Twatto Watson has put is all in an incredible dilemma by changing himself into a.... well, better player. He's always been a good player but no one ever sung lullabies at night for Twatto, no one ever blew a kiss towards Twatto, no one had ever loved Twatto. So he did his best to change that. And now he asks you whether you will love him. The choice is yours.

Let's Kill the Chokers, People Say

2011-01-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

The dear Protea boys always turn into overnight villains whenever they lose a close one. And there's no greater pleasure than seeing the many villainous shapes they take before their staunchest, die-hard supporters.

I collected a bunch for your pleasure:

"SMITH AT HIS PERSONAL BEST DOING WHAT HE DOES SO WELL PLAYING HIS ONE MAN GAME NO MATTER WHAT TAKING TOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG TO MAKE RUNS FIRE THE MORON HE ONLY HAS PERSONAL RECORDS NO TROPHYS FOR THE TEAM OR SA IDIOT."

Didn't I say before Biff would me made a square-headed idiotic calf for whatever happened? Yes? Yes.

"The Proteas did it again; managed a loss when it was impossible to achieve that... how do I explain that to my chimpanzee?"

That's strange. I didn't know people keep chimps as pets, and even if they did that chimps ask explanations for everything.

"What kind of proteas are these?

Certainly not King proteas.
More like Blushing Bride proteas.
A pathetic performance from a bunch of over-hyped primadonnas."

Blushing Bride proteas, I like that. I'd give anything to see Biff in a bride's wedding gown.

It's odd, these comments make it feel as if these fellows only start watching cricket as soon as our Proteas start losing. Because then they can be bashed, criticized and after having been cut into pieces, fed to little tiddlefish. Don't even mind them winning more games than losing, really don't...

A Rare Thing

2011-01-14T23:17:00.000-08:00

I see the Aussies won a game against the Poms. That's very good.

I also noticed a certain Aaron Finch playing well for Australia yesterday. It's a shame, I always had thought Aaron Finch was someone who played for the Kiwis, but I guess the other Aaron must have been one of the numerous name-sharers in cricket around.

Coming to the bigger shame and other name-sharer, Shane Twatto took two bloody wickets and is slowly stamping his improving reputation as a T20 bowler all in our faces. Brett Lee, on the other hand, is vastly improving in convincing the selectors it's time he didn't play anymore. It's also time he got it in his head to retire with grace.

And Cameron White, he doesn't know what he's at. Ever since Punter lost the Ashes a couple of weeks ago, the Aussie captains are doomed. Forever. That's why Pup lost the fifth game and White can't play T20 anymore.

Yousuf Kicked Out

2011-01-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

The wording might seem a bit harsh, but that's how I'd feel if I were MoYo.
For goodness' sake, the Stanis are so out of their bloody minds to not play their bearded uncle, and I'm serious about this.

You even won't want to consider why they're doing this. "Oh yes, because he was the epitome of ODI batting crappiness this year, averaging only a teeny-weeny 17 something, you say. I don't take that. Out of all the Stani batsmen, only three appear in the top scorer list of Cricinfo and none of them average above 35.

And if you want to forgive Uncle MoYo and fight his case, just like me, I'll go ahead and say 9 of his 10 games were played on either Australian or English pitches, and as everyone knows, that's where batting averages go all awry. In addition to this, it was like getting your butt cooked in Baba Yaga's cauldron for Pakistan in Australia, and with MoYo the captain there, nothing helped him much. 2009 was pretty piss poor for him too, but the years before he was awesome and there's no reason why he could not return to his season of awesomeness very soon. Just look at what Mussey did.

Apparently, he won't even play in the WC now. That's just an atrocity because Uncle MoYo is like a mentor, a calmness providing winged guardian, so having him out of the way is probably what a few Stanis like. It's punch party for them when MoYo is away.

Among other squad news, Misbah returns to eliminate Pakistan from the WC with his scoops and Kamran Akmal is back to spread some mischief.
It's time all you Stani fans out there started praying.

MoYo is going to slay all you scoundrels who oppose him

Tsotsobe is a Chocolate Hero

2011-01-13T08:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday showed there are no ODI monsters in Durbs for the Saffers, so that's one thing I can be relieved about. Not that I believe in any monster save Twatto.

The Indians were like wobbly playdough on the field but didn't get much help from losing the toss either. Dhoni really sticks to the basics and winning tosses is certainly something he doesn't want to make a habit.

But now we come to Tsobie winning the Mommy for his 4 wickets.
As all of you are well aware of, Tsobie is a chocolate hero. He's quite unlike the chocolate Santa Clausses I got as a kid because those were only fit to be devoured, head first. Tsobie takes wickets, gets nice bounce and is in pursuit of making SRT his bunny. And anyone who is capable of making SRT his rather cuddly bunny, should be given a trip to Jupiter for free. (I mean it in the good sense. Planets are without pollution and thus awesome to visit).

CSA has been toying with the positions and heads of several bowlers lately, namely Rusty, Parny, Tsobie and McLaren. It's demented they've left Rusty out considering what he's capable of as a death bowler but then they might've become secretly aware of Rusty's plans to take over the world. Monsters.

At least both Parny and Tsobie are being given chances, but it's really one of the two who can make it to the WC squad and chocolate hero looks better for that spot. And not because he's Makhaya Ntini's so-called successor. Because he's a friggin good bowler and he deserves to be there.

And because I love chocolate.

Shahrukh Khan takes over South Africa

2011-01-10T10:05:00.000-08:00

In what marked an important event yesterday, King Khan descended with his Bollywood troops in the Moses Mabhida Stadium, Durban to mark the entrance of Indians in the country since 150 years. It's important, we wouldn't have Hashim Amla playing for South Africa otherwise.

The whole concert and party thing was remarkably and confusingly big, so unless you have an incessant desire to cheer yourself up by some bash and noise, it doesn't make sense. Either this, or there's something fishy going on.

To lengthen the plot, I'll go with the latter.

Right, there is something fishy going on, and apparently it's to do with Evil Shah 'Rookh' Khan trying to take over South Africa.
Before your little King Khan fan guts start seething, allow me to present the proof.

First of all, Evil Shah Rookh Khan has bought our national hero Woogie Haircules for his KKR team and will automatically swing countless Saffers in his support that way.

Then, all was confirmed in the Bollywood concert we had yesterday after the Durbs game.

He started with an enthralling speech on the love between these two countries till it made the spectators' hearts bloom with euphoria and sentiment.

Then he encouraginly called JP by his side and learned him a few sledges in Hindi, to assault Sreesanth with.

Rusty slowly started losing his mind...

But the worst was yet to come. Poor naive Saffer cricketers were made to wear shiny belts and dance. Evil Shah Rookh Khan took great care to not wear one himself. Just look at the spectacle they made.

The villain was quite successful in the scheme considering the indoctrinated Saffers tweeted praises as soon as they could.

There's some other awful news too. AB learned from Shah Rookh Khan to sing in Hindi, and he sang Yeh Dosti. Friendship lyrics that are, how very very cunning.

Clearly SRK mistook AB's eyes for his ears.

Considering King Khan was able to cope with AB singing, we might be in for more atrocity. Don't choke yourself on popcorn when you see our popstar singing in one of the Khan's movies. He's AB and they'll just let him do about anything.

And before I forget, even our legend Ntini wasn't spared from the Khan's clutches.

That's a political handshake where one clearly means business. Run, Mackie, run.

Draws can Suck and an Overview

2011-01-07T06:06:00.000-08:00

Draws are like malaria on a holiday. Not always, but in this series which was the most momentous one of the Saffer season, it certainly was. This was the series I've been waiting for ever since the schedule was announced and this was the series where South Africa were supposed to chase away India from the number one spot. Statistically, or just in the way of acquiring that aura where you can walk around like untouchable overlords. Didn't happen then.

After this drawn match, it seems like both Indian and Saffer fans are massively pissed off. Because both India and South Africa have been gigantic bums by not playing bravely and going for a win instead. Admirable bravado like putting one's life at stake to save the empire would have been awesome. Really? I'm not sure. Neither wanted to lose, neither wanted to win, and they ended up drawing.

Barring the shame that the last day of the last test was, the series was actually very nice. And all nice things need to be looked at again.

Cricket doesn't want a Champ

I think cricket and I mutually have come to the point where we think a best team isn't required. Three series between India and SA since 2008, all drawn. Today I've proudly become a supporter of the Union to Preserve Cricket From a Waugh Aussie Team Forever. Join it brethren, for cricket's sake.

Jacques Kallis is not Stupid

Did I ever say he was stupid? No, because that'd be blasphemy for a Saffa cricket fan, but I won't make a secret of this that I find him a bit boring to watch and I've never been his greatest fan. But after this series, I tell you this: JACQUESKALLISISONEEPICBATTINGSAMURAI.
Yes people, and he is destined to usurp and overthrow SRT in batting greatness. Don't blame me for thinking so, Jakes convinced me he will.

Dale Steyn can Bowl

I bet you Ijaz Butt's insanity on it, he can. And he does it so well it's better than watching fighter jets do their airborne ballerina show on a national day.

There's something about Sreesanth

And it's more than him being the dancing, muttering crackpot he is. He managed to piss off someone like Boofus Biff, and above that he bowled well bar the first Test.

Other little overviews are:
* Ishant Sharma's hair. How he sees with it is a mystery.
* Twatthajan got 7 wickets in an innings.
* The Saffers and Indians tried a miserable form of sledging which was nearly as bad as the commentators we had this series. Shutting up- not that difficult.
* Virender Sehwag didn't have a good series at all. He's Dale Steyn's fat bunny rabbit.
* Boofus Biff didn't get anything more than a few 'confident starts' and he still is Zaheer Khan's even fatter bunny rabbit.
* Tsotsobe is an okay pacer but Harro needs to go for a spin rehab.
* Another drawn series means another wait for the next. Dammit.

The South African players wave you a hearty goodbye.

There's Much Wrong with Pakistan's WC Squad

2011-01-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

More than much.

For one reason, it requires you to figure out who ten of the blokes listed actually are. And after you've done that, try to remember who they are. The complication of this job mounts when you discover more than half of these newbies share half of their name with another Pakistani cricketer.

Inappropriately, it results in brain disorders.

"Hey, there's a new Stani bowler there, what's he called?"
"Asad Ali".
"And that guy?"
"Asad Shafiq".
"And the other one?"
"Azhar Ali."
"Oh. I see Tanvir is playing again."
"He isn't, that's Tanveer."

I award you a photographic memory certificate if you can remember all of them.

More is wrong though when you look at those making it and those not.

Rana Naveed ul Hassan.

Hello? Fellow with a hair transplant- check. Useless bowler on most occasions- check.
Being the big geniuses that the PCB are, they learned from Jakes Kallis that new hair does wonders so decided to give Rana Chacha another chance. Rana Chacha=Haircules, never in my life.

Check out that bouncy Head and Shoulders-nourished hair. Definitely makes him a champ, the PCB says

They've also included Kamran Akmal, notorious Pakistan wicky who occasionally turns blind and has a thing for dropping catches. I heard him saying "he feels honoured to be selected and present Pakistan and will do his best." His best in bringing Pakistan near to the bottom of the barrel, he means.

Then there's also Shoaib Malik not making the cut, but I can't be bothered by this headline boy anymore. Seriously, anyone who is labelled a hatemonger and blamed for gossip can't be considered much of a character. Pakistan might be better off without him even though he's often been more than a handy allrounder. To think he was skipper a while ago.

Chief selector Mohsin Khan tries his best to preserve tender Pakistani fan hearts by saying "We are satisfied that we have selected the best squad from amongst the available players."
Tough job that was, so very tough. After all there were so few players available considering they either get suspended or feel like fleeing. Ijaz Butt says they can give their conscience a break now.

Dale Steyn Wants to Eat Somebody

2011-01-04T09:25:00.000-08:00

More precisely, whenever Dale Steyn takes a wicket, he feels like charging at an invisible somebody, pummel the somebody's head into the ribcage, rip ferociously away at the limbs and then devour everything raw.
In the meanwhile, the rest of the Saffers always seem to be about the painstaking job of trying to contain him.

I like it. It's what fast bowlers should be like I suppose, carnivorous King Kongs ready to torment uneasy batsmen.
Not that this is all though. Dale can make cricket balls dance pirouettes through his swing and now even boasts a tattoo on his left arm for hardihood. Bet he got that from Mitch Johnson.

The importance of a celebration where one goes berserk is also conveyed by looking at how the rest of the Saffers do it. None of them are as good as Dale Steyn because they don't know how an epic screamlord celebration works.

Morne simply goes like "Ho-hum, I just took a wicket and this feels good."

Tsotsobe's thing is just appalling. He makes the rest around him sing cheesy lyrics of praise.

CT Test 1st Day: Biff and Zak are BFFs

2011-01-02T10:15:00.000-08:00

Nice score on the board by the end of the day, 234/4 looks reasonable, and again we have much to thank the man with the mop for it.

But wait, before we proceed there's something which needs to be addressed. Boofus Biff got out on 6 lbwued by Zaheer Khan. AGAIN. It's as if Biff has decided it's an inevitable process doomed to be repeated till eternity.

It's understandable that some bowlers have their bunnies, but Smith under no cirmumstances looks like one, hence it's ridiculous to call him one. Bunnies might get offended also.

Therefore, I think it'd better to say Biff and Zak are BFFs, oh entirely, they're always after each other. Surprisingly, Biff is often the more generous friend. He doesn't even try to play Zak well, saying before the series he doesn't make a special plan for facing him.
That's something only the genius of Biff can decide- when being crap at something you just continue with it until you've reached bottom level. And then you can't get any worse.

Among other big news, MSD finally, finally won a toss before preparing to enter another toss drought. At least he's making improvements compared to Biff.

Sree also took two wickets today. When Sree takes wickets, I feel it's time he got devoured to piranhas, particularly when he only has to take them against South Africa.

The Beefy Butt New Year Greeting

2010-12-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

To all the readers and the rest, here is a Beefy Butt with his warmest 2011 greetings.

May you have a fantabulous new year without anyone trying to defraud you.

Second Test, Durbs: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2010-12-30T09:18:00.000-08:00

I'm late, I know.

But I couldn't have gone without posting a single thing about the Durbs test, so here it is. I sometimes really make it incumbent on myself to do unnecessary things.

The Good:

We had a result. And we had a good, tight game. When 228 is the highest innings score in the match, you get the picture.

Cape Town is at least not going to be a dead rubber (how very exciting).

Dravid took 200 catches and momentarily took the spotlight from SRT.

I had a day off from watching cricket.

The Bad:

Twatthajan and his wickets. Obnoxious he steadily grows, day by day.

The umpires. Three decisions they messed up and it is rumoured Umpire Davis had consumed a bit too much booze. Honestly.

The creepy thing at Durbs still exists for the Saffers.

The Ugly:

This.

RIP Aussie cricket

2010-12-29T05:04:00.000-08:00

Today we're standing out with our umbrellas in the rain to mourn the death of Aussie cricket.

Though in coma since quite a while, only briefly resurrected in Perth, Aussie cricket is now utterly stomped to death. Not even the toenails survive.

Which is why I thought it apt to edit a picture Aussie media published two years back when the Saffers proudly started the coma.

May God forgive them for their sins.

Amen and cry.

Ps: word on the Saffer-India test later. It's even a sadder story, need time to cope with it.

How to Escape the Ashes- Ricky Presents

2010-12-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

Ricky finds himself in an unsurmountable dilemma.
He's about to become the most targeted Aussie captain on earth after Australia lose the Ashes (doesn't seem to be a probability any longer) so he had to devise several legal ways of not playing the Ashes anymore. That, or Walt Disney is going to offer him a role in the next Narnia film. (I'm really helping him out only, he's worried about jobs once he's fired.)

There are four ways, some he's used up, but there are a few chances still left.

Break your finger Highly self-sacrificing, but extremely effective. Unfortunately, Ricky went all crackpotty of a sudden and decided that maybe if he played with a broken finger he could become a hero like Boofus Biff. Didn't work.

Be A Good Boy and Pray to Santa Ricky thought it'd work. Christmas time was a time of miracles and happiness, so instead of vitamins and Valvoline, he requested Santa a win for the Boxing Day Test. But poor Ricky had forgotten he hadn't been a good boy at all this year...

Assault the Umpire and Get Banned Ingenious tactic employed by Ricky today, but he didn't know the bastard Match Referee would spoil it all. He was the naughty boy, he heard Figjam's nick through supersonic ears, and Aleem Dar was the criminal. So Ricky foulmouthed him a bit, showed top-class grumpiness, and yet was only fined. ONLY FINED cried Ricky. Not even one ban. Hopeless.

Run Away The most ancient yet useful method- if the bad is coming your way, you run away from it. Zulqy Haider knows it damn well.

"Couldn't you have pretended to be more offended? Idiotic cool cucumber."

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part Two

2010-12-23T06:36:00.000-08:00

Viewing the searches that led to this place, it seems like many of you are very concerned with what happened to the balding head of Jacques Kallis.

It's not a mystery, Jakes just got inspired by Doug the Rug and rumour has it that the mop he boasts is of Russian heritage. No kidding there, the Russians have excellent hair in store.
Moreover, we already know the hair is capable of getting one double tons and makes one ram cars in the neighbour's gates.
That's some strong stuff he's got on his head.

Yes, that's all very interesting, but I seriously believe he could have styled his hair better. We all know Jakes is a horrible dresser, but that doesn't make up for the nightmare he has put me in with his horror of a hair-do. He currently gives me the image of being this:

Plainly nauseating. Like a simpson with an overly bad hair-day.

Personally, I feel Jakes should have gone with this:

As for some creepy, unknown reason, he reminds me exactly of such an old-fashioned Brit.
And he would look an amusement in white stockings.

Ricky Ponting's 36th Birthday

2010-12-18T23:37:00.000-08:00

Can we talk of another strange coincidence? Better not, because the reasons of Australia winning were too clear.

For the first time in the series they could do something better than looking like clueless chickens being chased by English greyhounds. For the first time in the series, two Aussie bowlers were everything apart from crap and took 18 wickets between them. And not for the first time in the series the Huss batted to save a few Aussie lives.

In the meanwhile, the English batsmen were rubbish, and it was incomprehensible some people were already labeling their South African born players to be destined saviours of the game and complete the run chase. Ha, never. Saffers who play for SA can do a Perth, not the others. At least that's a fate I hope they're doomed to in my mean, Saffa-oriented mind.

So now all Aussie fans are happy happy, but to be honest, I'd have a few concerns. Both Hilfy and Siddle Widdle got only one wicket in the match, and if Mitch has a nightmare Test again, Australia might have bowler trouble again.

And oh yeah, the batting. The Huss is nearing his pension, so Ricky and the rest better get moving to earn theirs.

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part 1

2010-12-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

We all know what a little confidence can do. We all know what a little change can do.

Put them together, and voila, you have a previously unattainable result.

In the case of Jacques Kallis, South African over-sized, chicken pasta devouring legendary batsman, the confidence and change hid themselves in the form of the mop of brown hair that now resides on a previously balding head. (Admittedly, it's still balding, ask the blokes who treated him for a hair transplant).

Kallis played 142 Tests before this one, never got a double. He's back for his 143rd with a new hairstyle and he does. Don't be simplistic and blame it on coincidence, because I don't take coincidence just like that. Among other constant factors the hair was the only change so it MUST be responsible for the score of 201*. My vague studies of science suggest that, so it must be true.

There's also the legend of hair-power of course. Samsonhair gives you extra power. Elvis Presley hair will turn you into a powerful maniac capable of conquering Jupiter in one day. And Shahid Afridi hair will get you a million contracts with shampoo advertisers.

Time to get a mop on that head, bald men.

The man with the mop conquers the world.

Comeback Star Cartoon: Mitchell Johnson

2010-12-17T22:53:00.000-08:00

Mitch showed yesterday how a little axing can do wonders, which is why he gets a cartoon from me. He is lucky it was already made when he got out on a meager ONE or I'd made one of the Huss instead.

Edit: He took 3 wickets more and got the MoMmy, so he's forgiven. True champ.

16th of December

2010-12-16T22:58:00.000-08:00

The start of two whopping big Test matches is what made 16th of December so extra special. It was like having double cake on your birthday.

Until yesterday, Australia's share in the cake was a gooey mess, but today it looks lots more solid and better. In this post, it's onwards to the Safrican Test though, because I have to gloat.

What had we talked about so consistently before the series started? India's batsmen are usually crappy in Saffaland and Dalo and Morras have their bulldozers out already to crunch them like swooning daisies. Alright, such did happen. It feels a bit good to know predicting talk before the series came down to reality.

While I'm not going to deny the possibility of the Protea batsmen being tormented by a similar fate (it's a mean pitch, you know), the Indian batsmen did look in a clueless shambolic state. Not good when your batsmen weigh more than the bowlers in the team.

I missed most of the day, but I was there to witness Bhajji get run out in what is one of the unluckiest and satisfying ways I've seen. The rogue threatened to record his third ton, but hello, there was Boucher playing peekaboo. Through his legs, on the stumps. Bhajji dropped his bat in mere shock of the spectacle. I celebrated.

Bhajji gets a thumb up for his dismissal.

As for Lopsy, his day went in tatters. As a consolation, he ought to get the last wicket today.

That's it. Now I will go to see how Australia kick England around and later, the Saffers amass 400 runs.

They've put Hauritz on the Streets

2010-12-13T05:14:00.000-08:00

That selectors are barbarians we all know already. But that they are capable of putting a former international Test player out of his house is a new revelation.

Yes people, this is news enough to make you spew your heart out: Nathan Hauritz, Australia's former legspinner, was seen SELLING Test cricket gear in front of a cardboard box before his apartment.
Now doesn't that conjure up a a woeful picture of poor Nate sitting in front of his home with a few rags on and selling his belongings for survival? Is there no compassion then left in the world?

In the meanwhile, Australia are having a good time with their Beer. Well, an anxious time more accurately, but in the interim Warnie is having a real good time by embarking on another controversial affair. Screw the villain, he didn't even bother to get Nate back in the squad.

I've told you the story, to act is upto you now. At least buy Nate a nice Christmas gift.

See, he's already packed his luggage. Poor boy.

I'm off to Australia

2010-12-11T05:29:00.000-08:00

To become their newest spin sensation.

I have spun the ball a few occasions in my backyard, so I have experience.

I also used to be vice-captain at my school one time where I was a premium right arm medium fast swinger. That doesn't matter of course, spinners with another bowling background are able to bring more to the field.
I've also never taken a wicket as a spinner, but that doesn't matter either, the selectors will know I've been saving all my wickets for the Ashes.

Hildy, Warney and Co. also like to select an occasional oddball or one with a strange name, so they might want to get a girl in their team for a change.

All what is left to do is to get free tickets to Australia and the notice of the selectors. For the first task I will indeed pretend to be a naive Belg with a cricket twitter handle and for the latter you folks can just go around with a few banners at the next game bearing my name.

If Beer is eligible to play for the Ashes, then so am I.

The Current Ashes Show for the Aussies

2010-12-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

Australia lost. And they're lost about selection.

Ricky clearly doesn't like it.

The Aussie press didn't like it any more, so they've gone off to their fat files of lambasting articles which they of course had already prepared before the Ashes started.
Boy, were they furious. Just look at the headers:

"The Ashes? Forget it-this side would be lucky to beat Bangladesh"

"Australian cricket has become a product of rampant self-indulgence"

"Let's rearrange the deckchairs in the Australian team",

.....and on, and on. Just can't put my head in all of them.

It's understandable that one does indeed want to play the role of a little whinger when witnessing a performance as abysmal as Australia's, but more important than this, there's the team itself. Yes, the Aussie team combination, the question of whether tiny Hughes or Khawaja opens, whether they realise North isn't a cent worth, and whether they should pick Warne or Hauritz.

Just damn that last question, how it even became a question is ridiculous. As if the current Aussie team doesn't feel demoralised enough already.

About the second speculation the news doesn't seem positive, as this is what Ricky's got to say:
"He'll be a bit disappointed with his week's work here.I still believe that he's got great value to the team."

Ricky, may you please elaborate what value? Because I can honestly assure you he'd bring greater value as runner boy for drinks. Just give it a try.

And before academic books drag me away (they're true criminals), I have to say it's time they picked Nate again and actually persisted with him for a while. Not some other spinner picked out of obscurity, please.

Australia's Mounting Misery

2010-12-06T06:20:00.000-08:00

It's one of those times of the year when exams are around. They're niggardly scoundrels, I'm telling you.

They can't however provide me the relief of staying oblivious of what shambolic hotchpotch show the Aussies are currently staging in Brisbane.

I can already hear it gurgling and boiling disgustingly.

Stir...stir....Dougie hair...sizzle Siddle....Ricky spit....prrrrtttt....bloOp.

I hope you get the idea of disgusting now.

But sometimes one needs to play the role of a goofy optimist, which is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. The Huss will break Brian Lara's record. North will pinch Sachin's bat, score a hundred and never be dropped from the side. (Wait, that isn't optimistic, but Australia have driven me to the extent of making such predictions, strangle THEM if you want).
And on the last day Warnie will jump out of the commentary box and bowl out the Poms.

That's how crooked Nostradamus Nutjob predictions are. They're crooked, but nice. Nice is nice.

The Best Movember Moustaches

2010-12-01T08:36:00.000-08:00

Movember is over. Time to get the razors out, moustache men, and be back clean shaven to the cricket. Unless you like to look like an unkempt drunk.

I was at first slighty bewildered by the excessive amount of moustached men appearing, but now I think it's time to examine the best of all. After all, as men must know, growing proper moustaches is an art. If you only manage to grow a stubble, you're a horrible amateur.

So here are the nominations and the eventual winner:

Kevin Pietersen

Expected he'd be the first one to send his picture in. Clearly trying to gain a new nationality by appearing as French hotel receptionist. Lost; too creepy. Besides, bathroom pictures don't count.

Peter Siddle

Aha, our first Aussie. And clearly he didn't get the concept behind Movember. Siddle Widdle, you were supposed to grow a bloody MOUSTACHE not a little pencil stub of a beard. And before I disqualify you on the grounds of not adhering to instructions, I'll remind you that vampires are seriously old-fashioned.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Too much of an ordinary style, messy stubble but nice white teeth. The latter isn't a bonus point though, so you're out. Next.

Ben Hilfenhaus

Judging by the German-like name appearance, I had expected a trademark Hitler moustache but he's just given me the facial hair of a young lad. I'm unimpressed.

Mitchell Johnson

Well, that's nice of you to pose so professionally Mitch, but I'm hopelessly scatterbrained. What are you smelling? Did Ricky just go up in flames?

Dale Steyn

Too deceptive. He's been keeping the same thing on his face since ages; a moustache that seems like it's becoming a moustache but doesn't look like a moustache altogether. How can I possibly let you win if I'm not even sure whether that's a real moustache or one still growing?

Ricky Ponting

Ricky, we all know you don't like to shave. Don't try to demonstrate this facial hair chaos was there for the Movember event.

No winner so far. Oh wait, I've just got an interesting one in. It's Little Stuey. He really thinks it's going to work, doesn't he?

Sorry, but this is cheating Broady. To have a moustache, you need to become a real grown up man first. Disqualified.

Seems like I will need to call the competition off. Oh no, wait, because here's Merv Hughes. Now if that isn't a gigantic walrus monster of a moustache, clearly the winner. And yes, I know he had it since the day he was born, but because he kept it during Movember, he is considered legitimate for winning the competition.

Three trucks of moustache dye for you, mate.

The Ashes is Alive

2010-11-30T06:29:00.000-08:00

In the form of a lady in America who is a babysitter and has a twitter handle @theashes. Strange, no? Yes, strange it is indeed.

It gets even stranger when you know she doesn't know what cricket is. Which is a shame considering it's the vehicle she's getting all of her fame through. Vodafone and Qantas airline are already offering her a flight and tickets for FREE to Australia.
It's time I got such a cricket handle and pretend to be a naive Belg having no bloody clue what cricket is.

For your own interest, you can follow the lady in order to discover the journey of a babysitter towards the shores of cricket. And if you're a nice person, explain her what cricket and all really is. Or if you don't have time for that, explain to @MakhayaNtini what twitter is. The old bloke is having some troubles.

How England and the Aussies tried to kill TC

2010-11-29T07:44:00.000-08:00

Imagine Test cricket to be a little balding guy with a WG Grace beard and a Don Bradman cap who appeared at Straussy's door on the fourth day of the first Test.

"Ya going to take a stumble today, isn't it so Andy?"

"Shuddup," Strauss grumbled. "Take a stumble and then pay the Barmy Army four hundred
crates of beer in retaliation. Never."

"But I'll get sick otherwise..."

Strauss wasn't even listening. "On the contrary, I'm going to trott around my crease and make a hundred. Haha, 'trott' around, did you get that pun? You need to tell Trotters how smartly I used his name, he's with Cooky playing Farmville on Facebook."

Dejected, TC sauntered to the computer room. He tugged at Cook's sleeve.

"Hey, you going to get out for a duck today, right?"

Cook gasped. "Are you nutters? Have you heard of Trescothick? And Cosgrove? I suck once more, and they're going to take my place. I'm going to get a double ton."

TC winced and looked hopefully at Trott.

"Don't even think of it moron. I'm going to plough that entire bloody Gabba pitch. That's why I'm playing Farmville, to practise it."

The pitch after Trott was done ploughing.

Half of TC's beard turned gray and he hurried to the Aussie dressing room.

"Listen all of you filthy twats!" he shrieked.
Watto was the first one to look up. Only Kattich was smart enough not to.
"All of you lousy bowlers who can't take some darn wickets, go play for Greenland! You're polluting me with your abysmal bowling, disgracing me, dumping me away like crap-how am I, Test Cricket, supposed to live then? You get those Poms out for 200 and keep the boring draw away from the Ashes, keep the possibility of losing 5-0 open, otherwise..."

"Otherwise what little shoutbag?" Ricky smirked. He was a bit surprised too, he'd never seen a more grumpy dwarf like him.
He continued,"It's all part of the plan, you know. Mitch being trash and all, stupid Straussy is going to think we suck at playing but it's all psychological mind control really, and then on the big day we strike. We're still figuring out when that big day will be, though. Maybe in the last Test."

"But..."

"No buts, please. Go play checkers with Binga."

Seething and boiling to a red pumpkin, TC took off his Bradman cap and ate it. Then he cursed, spat on the Gabba pitch and dissolved in fire.

He ain't dead though, he watched the Aussies and Poms go according to plan and draw, and now he's waiting for the next game.

If that's a draw, then that's minus one from his steadily reducing lives.

Ban those draw freaks and pitch curators.

Ricky Ponting doesn't want his Job

2010-11-26T02:13:00.001-08:00

Out for a 10. And that too on a ball which wasn't outstanding.

Makes you think whether Ricky is too keen on his job or not. He himself said he'll be made the worm on a fishing rod if the Aussies get their bottoms kicked in the Ashes this time around. Alright, he didn't say that, but he believes it's going to be adieu for ever if such happens. So why Ricky didn't you score as much as the Huss did? Why did you have the countenance of a grumpy toad when North got out? (come on, own up you knew all the way he was going to be his usual rubbish self. Until the last innings of the last Test arrives of course.)

I haven't even got to Clarke then. Another bloke who doesn't want the captaincy it seems. It might be back trouble, but Pup since a long while hasn't looked vicious at all. But I don't exactly blame the guy for it, he's unconsciously internalised the role of a puppy now and there's not much one can do about that.

Contrary to much of the crappy batting described until now, the Huss was party swinging at the Gabba and together with Katich and Houdini Hads given Australia a goodish kind of score. Now here's a guy who really wants to have a place in the team, hurray!

The Poms won't be pleased, but if the Huss goes early in the morning things might cheer up for them a bit. And then we'll have Finn jumping 6 feet in the air again.

The picture of the day belongs to him, by the way.

And my word, if you half close your eyes you'll see he looks a bit like a mystic fellow with legs half the lenght they should be. And shoe prints stamped on his bottom.

Peter Siddle has Poms on His Cake

2010-11-25T09:34:00.000-08:00

Siddle couldn't have known he'd get 6 Pommies for his birthday. 6 bloody wickets in the first Ashes test on the first day and including a hat trick too. Even mollycoddled brats don't get birthday presents as good as these.

Not many expected it for sure, and that was just the nice thing about it. Unpredictable and nice, just like Siddle's appearance today; unfolded collar and weird facial hair. Okay, the facial hair wasn't very nice and I just hope Siddle hasn't assumed from Twilight playing the Vampire is cool these days.

It also seems my theory of teams considered superdogs before a game doing bad is being slowly verified. Which is why I'm telling you South Africa is in horrible form for the World Cup and the Indian series. Don't even think they'll do anything of note.

Lastly, though the day belonged to Siddle, the picture of of the day goes to Twatto. No one can seriously pose better as a twat than him. Don't tell me he doesn't look here like he's dancing with a punched jaw and electrocuted hair.

The Ashes Mentals

2010-11-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

By now the Poms and Aussies are in bed, agitatedly snoring and dreaming of little urns, because tomorrow is an important day. Tomorrow as the first ball will about to be released from the hand of a currently unknown bowler, specks of dust on the Brisbane pitch will be unsettled and sniff the leather of the red object, the movement of it will be most majestical and seemingly eternal. Better than statues dancing in Athens. Better than the slow-motion crap they have in sci-fi movies. It will be divine.

So I thought I may write a preview for these heavenly moments to happen.

M- Match: Bloody hell, don't you dare ask what match it is. It is the first match of the umpteenth Ashes series between England and Australia at Brisbane in Australia on Earth. It would be a shame hadn't you known all of this stuff.

E- Dunno yet what this should stand for.

N- Nutjob Nostradamus: Among weird predictions I expect Swann to take on the field for Australia tomorrow as a solution for their spin problems, taking KP's wicket, and consequently giving Strauss a psychological breakdown. Vaughan comes as replacement skip and Ricky loves it. Oh boy, he surely does.

T - Total Bucks Worth: I'll settle for 8/10; I mean, the value of this match. After all it's the Ashes, and even as a neutral supporter you're compulsory to like them. And as a neutral supporter my brain is still thankfully intact from the paranoia of losing that these matches bring. Haha, bring it on folks.

A-Ass-Kicking Abilities

Australia: Win the toss, and then beg Siddle and Mitch to declare hell. A bit of a supportive idea for the younger blokes to do well is that a good Ashes series can make a permanent place, which is difficult considering many are still queueing for them. Yeah, even Marcus North is still standing in the line.

England: Many, many, many. Nice bowling, nice batting. They're already getting their stamping boots on.

L- Losing Proficiencies

Australia: Many wonderful opportunities, the best of a lifetime actually. Mitch just needs to get an e-card from his mom, Xavier Dorothy a nightmare debut, and Pup a hairline fracture. If Punter doesn't get a big one, it's looking bad for the Aussies. Humph.

England: KP's emotional batting traumas can be dangerous (and hopefully contagious), only Jimmy has bowled in Aussieland before and Strauss isn't as tough a cookie as Ricky is. Also, they might get too smug, cocky and over confident. And that might be the Aussie plan, aha.

S- Spectator Inspection

There are going to be GAZILLIONS of crazy people swarming the stadium and the Barmy Army is going to fire a few cannons. Boy, I'm hoping for a few throat grabbing incidents and field invasions too. A la World Cup 1975..or whenever we had one around those years.

You probably already guessed I'm not neutral, yes, I'm not exactly. I'm supporting the Aussies this time for the reasons that I see they might get crumpled and it's better to support the weak rather than the ruling bosses. Also supported the Poms last time around so now an Aussie turn. Fairness in life is good.

Chins Up, Kiwis.

2010-11-23T07:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, they may have lost this match by an innings, but how proud of a 1-0 Test victory over the Blackaps the Indians will be I don't know. The Kiwi boys however can dance like crazy Rumplestiltskins if they want (alright, a little jig would do, they didn't win it), because being just bestowed by the knowledge of having pulled of a feat which the Aussies weren't able to a month or so ago must feel good. Pretty good, actually. We're talking about the once invincible Aussies after all.

So the two good things the Blackaps did were the draws. The shit part, of course, was this match. Doesn't matter really, because if you know a bit how to throw numbers around you'll understand the good : bad = 2 : 1. Damn, how I just missed my math classes.

The best part of the entire series I already talked about, and with a half decent brain you'll remember it was Chris the bald Ninja doing his mojos and hadoukens and weird stuff when he rattled the Indians. Too bad Bhajji spoiled it. Now that we're talking of it, this Bluebearded criminal in my books got the man of the series award. Worst of all, he got it through his batting.

At least Dan got 4 wickets more than Bhajji in the series. Now that's at least some consolation.

(I had to post this yesterday, but internet problems busted my plan).

AB, the Umpires and Biff's Brain

2010-11-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

AB scored 278 today. Well. Well, well. 278 might look an ordinarily excellent score but not if you take the story of the two blind umpires and the one of selfless Biff in account. Because now it's become almost a fairytale.

The story is one where on the first day of the second Test, two old men responsible for surveillance of play on the field turned blind. Just blind, all of a sudden, and I can tell you the Basilisk wasn't slithering around anywhere. Because of this AB didn't get out twice when he should have been, and so he decided it was time to get out a bulldozer and flatten the tiring Stani bowlers to crushed cornflakes. Stani fans now think the time has come to dump Umpire Asoka in some Chilean mine and don't inform the rescuers about it.

Alright, he was a lucky lad, but about 200 runs followed in which he was just bloody brilliant, everything made even more brilliant by Gul involving in conversational skills unknown to mankind. Thank you Gul, thank you AB, thank you Mike Haysman.

Nothing was over, however. AB made 150, 200, 250, oh boy, it just wasn't enough. AB was running on the galaxies with Bolton owned Nike sneakers and all around it was raining lollipops. Then they called him for tea and AB didn't want to bat anymore, but the all-wise Boofus Biff said 'Damn that rubbish. You're going to play, break my record and allow my goodness to prevail.'
So AB went out and did it. The 300 was in sight...nearly there...and then the lights went out.

Okay, can anyone now explain to me the workings of Boofus Biff's brain? Don't worry, I'm prepared for a very complex evaluation. Or maybe I'm not, so here's what I think. See, if you know the Saffer cricket watching folks you'll know plenty of them don't really like Biff. Biff doesn't like that either, and he's got his reasons because they'll just blame him for everything. Even if he scores a thousand runs, and the team loses he's a brainless calf with a square head. Today was thus the opportunity to spread some love and show he doesn't care about his milestones and let AB get it. It was still generous and most unScroogelike I'd say.

As to about not letting AB get to 300; I don't know. It really wasn't a matter of 3 or 5 overs dictating the match's result, so according to me it was plain brainlessness. Strangely, AB said
he was a happie chappie with what he got and didn't look ahead to the 300. Yes AB, we all know you're a team man, but come on, we really could have done with a Saffer getting 300. It kinda sucks seeing none of our batsmen have got more than 278 while Lara's got 400 and the rest 300 plusses. The shame of it.

Chris Gayle didn't really deserve that Triple

2010-11-16T23:41:00.000-08:00

For some reasons, I think Chris Gayle was not the right bloke to get a second triple ton.

See, let's say as a kid you have an old-fashioned sugar aunt who visits regularly on the first Sunday of every month. You don't like her because she's slightly old and senile, pinches your cheeks, regurgitates the pastor's sermons, wears droopy shawls and smells of some weird repugnant Parisian cologne.

Worst of all, you're expected to sit there with her all the morning like a neatly combed pup and listen to her endless prattle. Which is why you pray to God the Yeti will one day come to kidnap her, tear her into smithereens and then devour her. Yum, yum. Okay, that's disgusting, but let's agree that these are naughty bad thoughts, particularly when you consider how many gifts Aunty gives.

Ah yes, she isn't a parsimonious prick, she brings you delicious meringues, cookies and chocolates everytime she comes, yet you loathe her despite her trying to be actually nice to you. Shame on you bastard.

So basically Chris Gayle doesn't like his sugar aunt Test cricket because she isn't cool like Uncle T20, yet he shamelessly takes the many gifts she brings. Oolala, the only dude to have two triples looks cool, he says. And yet he wont love Aunty Test.

So there, he didn't really deserve it this way. The other he of course did, because he scored the runs himself.

Now try to make sense out of all of this. You should.

Pak vs SA: The Suspicious Numeros

2010-11-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

The unfairness of Test cricket is that due to its long duration you're not able to watch the entire game, which means you miss chunks of the it. Which also means you can miss the most lovely parts. Which happened twice in the course of this match with me, when the Saffers lost 8 wickets for 73 and the Stanis 8 for 72.

Cheaters, you say. Aha.

Of course getting mathematical figures so close in cricket is very suspicious, particularly because mathematical figures are difficult to duplicate. And with our brains already being automated to perceive most things suspicious where Pakistan is involved, this all forms an oversuspicious situation that demands investigation. Beefy Butt will of course blow up at this. Bastards, he says, this was Pakistan's pre-planned thing so it isn't their fault they batted second. Also, batting collapses are something absolutely Stani-like, so replicating them is plagiarism. Sue the South Africans.

But before your delicate brains become too intertwined in this strange story of matching numbers, let me explain today's day in a simple way:
Pakistan was rising. But then started tumbling. And tumbling. And tumbling. Until they there was no more tumbling left to do. It were Harro and Botes who pushed them, but Morne Morkel it was who dragged them all along.
Finis.

Well not exactly finis because I'm ending this post with pictures.

Paul Harris prayed for wickets..

...but half of them went to Botes, even though he had dirty yellow teeth and had smeared the toothpaste on his face.

Morne Morkel had to look dangerous and awesome, so he grew a pair of extra arms.

But then Biff cried because he wanted a pair of them too.

Cartoon: The Flight of Zulqi

2010-11-11T08:15:00.000-08:00

No mention so far from me on all the brouhaha going on about Zulqy, Pakistan's comparatively nicer wicky, running away. I've only got a cartoon, which may not make too much sense.

If you're a clever buddy, you will be able to figure out the bloke with the red eyes is upto something really bad and the bloke with the watery ones upto something really noble.

Harbhajan Singh, Spoiler of the Good

2010-11-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought a Kiwi win was inevitable, an it it meagre chances of not happening seemingly rested alone on super brilliance by Waxman, Bhajji came on as unwanted saviour, scored his first maiden ton, and spoiled all the good fun a Blackap win would have brought.
The heartless bastard.

That he has been one big unbearable baddie since he invaded cricket is a well known thing, but meanness to the Kiwis is more unacceptable than Ramiz Raja's haircut.

And on top of it, the Indian selectors won't ever drop him now, probably. He may have been bowling rubbish, but with his ton he has indoctrinated folks enough for another 5 years that he is India's most recently discovered awesome batting sensation, while he clearly isn't. Time to throw the guy out.

All Hail the Kiwis and Chris Martin

2010-11-07T05:29:00.000-08:00

Before the series between India and the Blackaps started, I thought of doing a post requesting the Indians to be a bit generous to the Kiwis and beat them gently if they will. I had a presentiment that after the disastrous tour to Bangladesh, the Kiwis would end up as mustard midgets at the hand of India and Daniel Vettori would run crying to Geneva to start his life as an evil scientist in recluse.

But today we were shown that goodness is bestown on the good. The Kiwis are noble folks, they rarely thrash anyone and they won the ICC Spirit of Cricket Award twice in a row. Yes, it's true, and if you are still not convinced you should remind yourself they are led by a man with spectacles. There's too much good about spectacles.

Anyhow, today it was India who was turned into smithereens for a change. Bloody India who almost never lose on their own fields and robbed the Saffers of a Test series victory are now lying in a hopeless rubble and only some Laxman is out to glue them together. All of we have to pray that doesn't happen because that would seriously spoil Chris Martin's heroics.

Chris Martin is the coolest bald ninja on earth. He proved he can survive for plenty of balls and can take 5 wickets in a day without going crazy as a result of the achievement. He radiated so much superhero-ness today that Dan the Man couldn't even act as his sidekick.

That's Chris Martin's move to hit someone in the head.

JesseR and that new guy Williamson deserve lots and lots of praise for their batting work too, together with Taylor and Baz, but nothing would look as great if the Kiwis didn't win this one know.
The only advantage of this would be Jesse Ryder not getting drunk in the celebrations.

But anyhow Blackaps, win it. Just win it.

The Crime of Dropping Rusty

2010-11-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

After the fourth ODI I had intended to rattle on and on about the cricketing brilliance these two awesome sides have produced until you would have been dizzy with it. But annoyingly I wasn't able to, because I was here:

Ooh yes, and the copyrights belong to ME.

That doesn't mean I will forget about the atrocity of selection the Saffers commited in leaving Rusty to warm the bench in Friday's game. Dropping Rusty, your BEST death-bowler who actually ensured you weren't down 1-2 after the third game, can only be a result of deliberate malice and pettiness. Either this or A-grade lunacy. I hope it's not the latter, because if it is, there's no reason why we may see some crackpots seeing no harm in dropping him again for the final game.

Rusty together with Lopsy can be the solution to the Saffers' death bowling problems, so you need to have him play every bloody game before the World Cup. That, or he may turn really sour and get purple hair for real.

So yes, choose Rusty, the endangered gingerhead who can bend his back in weird angles and has nerves of steel. No kidding there.

Jokers save ODI cricket

2010-11-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, you had a bunch of insipid nutjobs trying their best to make cricket a winner. ODI cricket that is. They were entirely selfless in the job, and decided as long as the game was interesting, it didn't matter who won. It's only this way you can explain Pakistan initiating their batting shit all over again when they only required 20 from 19 and SA shamelessly dropped catches. It was like both teams having this kind of dialogue as a forum suggested:
SA: "Hey Stanis, our Amla kept us still in the game, but take the game now. Slowly."
Pak: "Ah no, after you Saffers."
SA: "We seriously don't want it..go ahead. After you, gentlemen."
Pak: "No, no after you."
SA: "Let's both mess things up then and then see who gets lucky in the end, okay?"
Pak: "Great idea. Let's do it."

And that's how this boisterous slap stick comedy started. Hash was the only one who tried to get things a bit sane, but that's because he's such a level-headed, incredible person who bloody knows how to keep a wicket and play good Samaritan for his team.
The game's biggest comedian was probably third umpire Zameer Haider who actually decided that in this age of unparalleled technology anything that looks real might not be so and thus he gave AB out. Or maybe he was confused and despite the replays was overcome by so much pompous thoughts that he didn't reverse the decision, and I didn't feel much like watching the match after this. Until it was Pakistan's turn to perform their act of course. They are gems on the stage.

Imran Farhat and Asad Shafiq were playing Test cricket which left Fawad Alam with too much of an arduous task to do than his little muscles could handle. In the end he had to resort to using fellow batsmen as support stands whenever they came in, and pretend he was narrating advice from John Buchanan's gospel to them. It didn't help though, and the Stanis lost. By bloody two runs. Johan Botha would have turned into a vampire and eaten Biff's flesh if the Saffers had lost this one.

Of course you're all forgetting the real champion; Rusty. Yes, the endangered gingerhead bowled a wonderful last over and though it was briefly interrupted by Albertus Morkel trying to revenge himself by dropping a catch (he didn't bowl once in the match), Rusty shone in the end and merrily continues his campaign of conquering the world. It's time you shook hand with him because I'm not sure how fond he is of his foes.

Abdul Razzaq is the new Boom-Boom

2010-11-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

It would rock to be Abdul Razzaq for even one bloody day. Preferably during an exam session, because answering questions would be easier than getting Chris Martin out for a duck then. If Razzaq entered your anxious soul, you would be writing answers this way:
"What's the importance of the three witches in Macbeth?"

"Dat they r 3 cool old hags who boil weird thingies in their cauldron. Just yesterday they put an armadillo with cat paws in and I bet I even saw Dougie Bollinger following. He cried like an overgrown baby. So basically this makes 'em very scary and Macbeth is all about the scary stuff you know. No big deal. But I'm sure you've already bolted your door now, isn't it so examiner? Not that I care."
SIGNED....RAZZAK(Q)

It's so indifferent. And simple.
As simple as Razzaq made hitting sixes look yesterday.
Yes, you fabulous old codger, ancient Pakistani who has survived for some bloody 15 years, annihilator of unsuspecting bowlers at the death, you deserve a free ride in the Pakistani team for another 15 years. It will be a most generous offer considering few survive less than 5 months there nowadays.

Greet the new Boom Boom with flowers and rose petals

But now we come to Albie. Oh, Albie. I thought you were meant to be the next Polly, the next Klusener (or was that Morne? They're shamelessly naming so many successors of them these days that I'm left in a muddle), but what do you do? BOWL LITTLE LOLLIPOPS. Lollipop bowlers are supposed to be sent back to domestic cricket. I hope you get that.

The best thing about yesterday's match was that it can boast of being interesting. At least ever since Afridi and then Razzaq stepped in to bat. Haha, that's a blow to the 'ODIs are so dead' campaign. Then there was also Colly Ingram scoring his second ton there, hats off to the boy; it's sad his day had to be ruined later. Equally good was that some sense can be knocked into the messed up Saffer heads; sense that they need to get their damn bowling line up right and include Rusty.

Yes, you almost forgot about him, so I'll remind you; Rusty Theron- endangered gingerhead with deathly bowling capabilities. Needs to be recalled to the team ASAP.

The cloning of the previous match: 2nd T20

2010-10-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Pakistan batted first.

Pakistan batted shit again.

Imran Farhat might never get an average above 8.

Shahid Afridi might never acquire even o.1 percent sanity.

Lopsy did wonders with the ball.

Rusty did even greater wonders.

SA's top order shuddered.

JP and Ingram controlled things.

Shoaib Akhtar sweat more than Ishant has water in his body.

Misbah is doomed to play that ridiculous half-scoop shot and will only be granted redemption if he paddles down the Nile with the same movements.

Peace.

Ingram defeats Stani Madman: 1st T20

2010-10-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

You wonder how Shoaib Akhtar is still alive. As a cricketer, I mean. Apart from his body's Freddie like capabilities, you'd think the PCB would have been able to exterminate him from Pakistan cricket by now, but he has miraculously survived. Nothing more than proving he's a monster for real. Cool.
Even cooler was that over of his were he got two wickets, and with it you could wash down the shit that Pakistan's batting was. I wasn't really pleased (damn, remember you had to be the best batsman AB?), but few things in cricket are as good to watch as a sweaty Shoaib taking wickets and imitating fighter planes. Woohoo, an F-16 with oil spluttering over it. Fabulous.

Right, can we now come to the gazillionth time towards the Stanis batting woes? They've got serious problems, as you already know, but the seriousness of the matter is emphasized by how they tumbled to 120 runs after such a fantastic start. I really need a model of Afridi's brain too, and figure out whether common sense exists there at least in 0.1 percent. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed.

The Saffer batting looked a bit sick at the start (but that happens when Boofus Biff is on the screen), but if you thought they would lose, then you forgot about Ingram. Aha, Ingram. Yes, great lad isn't he? He even made JP look nice. Or maybe it was JP actually getting some runs which made him look nice.

Saeed Ajmal kickstarted the scary fielding episode of the Stanis again, but the fielding still won from the batting. In scoring bad marks, that is.

So that's it from here, I'm really looking forward to seeing today's match, hearing Waka-Waka blare across the stadium, see Rusty advancing in his world domination, and also see Mohammad Asif invading the stadium while Veena Malik sings ballads on the roof.

SA vs Stanis Mentals

2010-10-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

South Africa's season against Pakistan FINALLY starts tomorrow. For me, that's after three bloody years of waiting, as after those series in 2007 where the Stanis ridiculously lost the last one dayer, I had scampered off to search for the next series dates and that was 2010. Time passes, doesn't it?

Anyhow, these series are so highly anticipated because I have all the reasons in the world to watch them. The Saffers and Stanis are two teams I love watching see how they take the shit out of other teams, so that normally puts me in a sort of dilemma when they play each other. My support tilts normally in the Proteas' favour, but a Stani win doesn't disappoint me then so much. How nice.

I'm predicting it to be a wonderfully exciting series, so you absolutely need to know what I think will be happening through this Mental preview.

Matches- Alright, the tour starts with two Twenny-twennies, the first to kick off tomorrow. After that we have 5 ODI matches which will most likely not be rained off because it's pretty hot in the UAE, as it is in India, but unlike India, it almost never rains there. After that we've got 2 tests and the idiots behind this I fail to recognise. 2 tests are worse than having to do with a half cup of tea.

Expectations and all that blah- Aha. If the Stanis were playing in the Saffers' backyard, I'd say they would be losing easily most of the games. But since the series is in the UAE, I expect at least one drawn test match and a few Stani wins. It could be the opposite too of course, I've never fancied playing the role of Nostradamus.

N- I'm going to imagine something for this N. Later.

T- Same goes for T.

Ass-kicking abilities (both teams)
The Saffers are usually heartless juggernauts when it comes to bilateral series. Batting looks great at the moment, especially with Hash and AB in form.
There are a couple of young lads too, and they're all trying hard to play the World Cup.
The Stanis are always busy locating their lighter, and the moment they do, they'll ignite themselves. And then they will win. Bowling still looks their best part, and then there's mad monster Shoaib still running around. You wonder how he's still alive.

Losing abilities
If Rusty doesn't continue with his campaign of conquering the world well, the Saffers might be in trouble with their bowling. Wait, there's Dale and Morkel...but how the UAE pitches will work for them I don't know. Get yourself an Imran Tahir, idiots.
Buffalo Biff might be a factor too. If he grows warts on his nose, he will be running around with his hands on it instead of picking at it, as he does now.
And the Stanis? Batting....batting.....batting.....fielding. Don't mention.

I know it's a bit of a lousy post probably, and I'm doing it after several days, but someone's come to stay at my house for a while which basically makes it a privilege to getting some time on the net. And I can't have my guest running away from my place either. I know the booby traps of Home Alone otherwise very well, you know.

The Return of Younis

2010-10-21T07:11:00.000-07:00

The twitchy dude who retired from T20s more than a year back and later on got kicked out of the team for supposed unprincipled behaviour is back. WHAT? What do you mean what? We're talking about a Pakistani player here, so don't be surprised.

I knew Younis would be back. If mad monster Shoaib got back, then for Younis it's an easy peasy job. Of course there was this big brouhaha about him not complying with the universal PCB laws written and ordered by Beefy Butt, but now it's over and he's ready to play in all three formats of the game.

All three formats of the game.

Dear me. I think I'm losing track of the amount of Stani players who retire from one format and after a few months are back to play again. Afridi will be back for the Tests, folks.

"Fight me if you can cowards, I'm back to be captain again."

Younis also says he's "not in the race for captaincy". Now well, filthy fibber, is that the same as saying you're not interested in the job but smugly think they should be giving it to you all the same? You're going to be Stani captain in one year again Younis. At least in one format.

Interestingly, Younis is coming at the expence of MoYo going out. Out of all people, MoYo. Just when I thought victory had belonged to him he suffers this harmstring injury. MoYo was the winner because he very cunningly 'retired' after the PCB banned him unlike pleading his case as the others did, and wonderfully he was the first to return. So that's how you go to work morons, using the inexplicable power of the protest to get your thing done.

Gandhi would have been proud of you Moyo.

Ijaz Butt skating on Pakistan cricket's Ice Rink

2010-10-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

Opening Cricinfo's article today about Ijaz Butt, the first thing that caught my attention was this line saying "how thin the ice is that the Pakistan board is currently skating on."
I immediately picturised a weird image which I bothered to draw.

The ice is thin, the man skating on it is heavy, and nothing looks hopeful.

Hash, Ingram, Taylor and the bowler clobbering

2010-10-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

This match yesterday was all about batting, batting and batting. Which is horribly wrong, like making the bowling an outcast in the game.

The Saffers batted first after winning the toss and it was all Hash after that who wanted to show you how much he's still in form. He really is and he is the guy who is going to win us that World Cup finally. Remember, he might really turn out to be the prodigy to do it as he hasn't played for the Proteas in a semi or final so far. That sums up my very accurate prediction.

Biff playing made me realise why it's better he isn't captain because whenever he is, he feels he doesn't need to do much except for tinkering with his nose when his bowlers are getting clobbered over the field. And then telling us despite this happening that "..in patches with the ball we were very good, and at times we drifted a bit." A bit? It was so much drifting that the balls could have ended up in my backyard, otherwise Zimbabwe wouldn't have got till 287.

287. Doesn't that look scary? Taylor batted wonderfully, but the rest didn't do much, and of their bowlers Masakadza was the only one to get wickets.

The best part of the match was probably Ingram's knock. 124 on debut looks great. It doesn't only look great, it is great. It might have been Zimbabwe, but it was obvious the boy can bat and even better, it means JP will have to play for his life. That, or he gets kicked out.
Miller got rid of his 20s disease too and scored a nice fifty, so that completed the batting festival.

I nearly forgot about Rusty, who made his debut too, and got 3 wickets. Better than all the rest.

The Saffers may have won, but I'm a bit scared of them facing the Stanis later this month now. Because they are no more than just good at the moment.

A Captain's Diary: Punter Version

2010-10-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

13th of October, 2010.

07.00 am

Dammit. It's one of those days when a man should be lying in bed instead of waking up and getting one's ass kicked by Indians. Just to clarify, it's NOT my ass. I have been fantastic all these series, it are those other duds who think they can wear a baggy green without doing something formidable. Seriously, I wonder who these kids get their inspiration from. Me or Bryce McGain?

-----------

These meals in India are just horrible. The curry is almost coming out of my ears, need to tell my wife to send me packaged lunches from Oz.
Haha, Mitch just passed by and while he was looking away I dumped all of my food in his plate. When he gave that dumb questioning look of his I told him he will need all those calories today for putting in an epic performance. Of course I was clever enough not to give him my self-endorsed Swisse vitamins, those are only for me.

12.00 (lunch)

As expected, Mitch and Nate have locked themselves up in the washroom ever since they got out. Saw Dougie smuggling some food to the closet, and took it as an opportunity to drag them all out. After that I delivered one of my best pep-talks and Georgie Porgie Custard and Pie even asked an autograph afterwards. I'm going to become commentator after all. Maybe even the next President of America.

I've got all those poses practised already. That watch costs $ 640 btw.

14.26

Come on, get some wickets losers. Especially you Nate, take advantage of the brilliant field I've provided you with.

15.00 (tea)

Called up a few cricket mates and Pup to discuss what excuses we're going to make because this Test is totally lost. Don't have to forget to mention how good I played, how good Sachin played and how bad all the newbies felt for their stupid work. Only solace I can grant to them. But I don't think it's funny at all. Don't they realise I might get fired before I'm able to set Colly's head on fire in the Ashes?

16.38

Shit, shit, three billion times shit. We lost.

19.00

Warnie should buy some brains. What does he mean I don't know my field placements? Nate just bloody can't bowl. If he has a problem he should talk on the phone, not on that Twatter thing.
-----
And now he's saying we're still mates. Like as in mates again? What do you mean fat finger lickin' halfwit? I don't want to be mates with someone like you. Not that we were ever mates in the first place, you never shared your pizzas with me and tried to show everyone how I couldn't play your spin bowling. Get lost.

20.00

Today I also told people they should realise I'm still the best bloke to lead the Aussies. I'm the most experienced, the most capable and the most ingenious and above all, I'm the most dedicated Aussie player around. But apparently no one gets that.

(i don't think i got my times right, but does that matter? i've got more important things on my head).

Rusty for ODIs and a few other things

2010-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

I knew Rusty's purple hair would work wonders. He's been selected for the ODI series against Zimbabwe now.
True, the selectors didn't see him parading around with his fancy hair colour, but does that matter? Anyone who sees Rusty instinctly knows purple looks fabulous on him.
But now he will be playing for SA in the ODIs and that is brilliant.
What not so brilliant is though that neither Jakes nor Steyn will play. Dale can be excused but Jakes? Any opportunity for a greater fitness level cannot be ignored.

In other news, the Aussied lost to India, and probably for the first time in my life, I'm feeling a bit sorry for Ponting. Not much, only a bit.

Since I've had it a bit tough with posting since the last couple of days, I can only use the technique of anticipation a bit and tell you what I might be talking about in a few days to come. I know it's a dirty trick, but Shakespeare used it and so can I.
I might be posting up a first complete comic soon and it will be about Shoaib Akhtar and Ijaz Butt. You can already sense there's something creepy about that. Then I might show you a bit of Ricky's diary or even tell you about when I got invited to play for an international cricket team. Because gloating is fun.

Zimbos nearly embarrass Proteas

2010-10-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

It's a delayed post about yesterday's Protea match. Reports this late don't hold much of a value so let us have it in brief.

Biff played a nice little knock again. He's going nowhere for now.
Neither is Duminy. That innings of 96* was pretty awesome but it was against Zimbabwe and he needs to do it more often.
Botha is suffering from the ineptness associated with South African captaincy. It's because it is contagious and Smith wasn't put in quarantine.
Zimbabwe kicked SA merrily around for a while and nearly won.
But they didn't win.
It was because of Rusty's last brilliant over.
And Rusty would look really cool in purple hair.

You can see all of his cool James Bondness creeping out.

Marcus North cannot be deciphered

2010-10-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

Marcus North is a strange guy. When I saw him playing for the first time against South Africa, I thought he was a friggin fantastic player because he scored a hundred against the odds. Since then, I'm trying to make up my mind whether he's this superman who still hasn't unleashed all his potential, or he's just a scum who should be a part of Warnie's pizza.

North plays in a very unusual rhythm, most of the time he's basically crap, but when he feels that the world is going to turn up at his door next day and after strangling him in his bedcover throw him in the Lake of Loch Ness, he decides to do something strangely wonderful. Like hitting a century when one is needed. Or taking six wickets and getting his name on the Lord's honour board. Or flying in a red cloak around to distract opponents.
You can see it happening, his strangeness is already messing up my mind.

There's a phantom under his helmet to which he's talking to.

Today he was this plain weirdo again and scored a hundred against India. Which means the selectors are not going to drop him for the Ashes and the smart badass manages to retain his place again. And possibly all at the cost of having another shit run again before scoring a ton in the third Ashes Test and being considered brilliant for a while.

What it is with North remains to be deciphered, but it's an incomprehensible mystery we might have to put up with till he retires. (Yes, he is going to RETIRE not going to be kicked out of the team because his strange playing ways make it impossible.)

All the Rustiness...

2010-10-09T02:52:00.000-07:00

South Africa's season finally kicked off yesterday and they're off to a great limping start already. A grossly great damned limping start. I can't call it much else considering they let the Zimbos flow to a score of 168 even if they won by seven wickets afterwards.

Saffers aren't really good at opening their season in majestic style, therefore they hire about every year their neighbours to play some cricket in their grounds, and normally treat it nothing more than the equivalent of some practice. Our new robot captain, Botha, however said they're going to take this game very seriously. So seriously you saw the disastrous results of it creeping out yesterday.

The bowling was total rubbish. Parnell took a couple of wickets but was too expensive, Rusty is mad, and Morne twisted his ankle. He wanted to be in the hospital with Albie.
The lousiest part of the match was South Africa's fielding. Normally supersensationality and alertness is associated with their fielding, but yesterday it was just HORRENDOUS. No wait, that is an understatement; it was so atrociously pathetic that even three blind mice with rheumatism would have done better. Shame on you all.

"Morne, I never even went to the hospital. It's a shame I know will have to take your place in the side."

An interesting part of yesterday's game was observing how Biff would go about things now that he isn't captain anymore. Cricinfo called him an 'anonymous' presence on the field (anonymous with such a size? Don't let me laugh), but I bet he was smirking there in some corner of how Botha's first day as captain was being battered into little horrors.
'Haha', he thought, "See how everything is going in tatters for Botes. The moron probably thought he could take over the job from me, but through his calf-mindedness today and probably in years to come people are going to revere me as the wonderful past captain."

If Biff was a complete doofus he had probably not scored that fifty later on and helped SA win the match. But a small functioning part of his brain figured out that the selectors can really kick him out of the team if he doesn't perform because he isn't skipper anymore. Get it? There was the glory to get too of course. Smith considers it to be a gigantic cheeseburger now.

I felt sorry for the Zimbos though. They played really well and probably deserved to win more than the Saffers, but they don't have to worry, Grant Flower is coming tomorrow to kick some real ass around.

ICC Oscars and A Twatto Comic

2010-10-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

It was the ICC Awards time today and all of you can go now and dance a wild can can with your mom's shoes on and fire crackers even if it isn't Diwali. That is for all you SRT fans. In the meanwhile I'm going to put a few crackers in Swanny's pants.

The super excitement for this super important event couldn't build up the way I wanted because I thought the awards were on the 8th. But somehow, they had them today and they were much more agreeable than last year. Last year was just the time when you wanted to stuff the whole selection panel in Haydos' sweaty shirt and bowl them to Virender Sehwag.

Not this year because the winners chosen makes sense. Kind of.

The ICC Cricketer's of the Year is Tendulkar. Was that even a question? If Tendulkar didn't win this time, war could have been declared on the ICC. He deserved it, simple as that.

For the Tests, Virender Sehwag won. The Indians are really ruling this thing, just as Sehwag rules every bowler who thinks can bowl to him. But boy, this man was amazing throughout the year. I just hope he is tired now and plays rubbish when India visit South Africa. Otherwise Harro's World Cup dreams are going to be entirely ruined.

The ODI award went to AB de Villiers. Aha. Finally a Saffer. Some might say he was the wrong guy to be chosen for this, but he gobbled up a whole lot of runs this year so he deserved it. Talking of AB, I've no idea how his performance on stage went, but even hearing about it was a complete shocker. I can smell Lee burning from here. Learn the virtues of sharing Binga, is it the end of the world if AB too becomes India's favourite out-of-country singer boy?

There is something about Twatto too. He wasn't spotted at the Awards, but he knows all about it and is very concerned.

When the Gunther was nearly gone

2010-10-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

Andre Nel can't stay out of the headlines despite getting retired. And this time it isn't the typical story of his evil Gunther going berserk and consequently cannoning spitballs at opponents, it's one where the Gunther tried to kill Nel himself. Yes, he attempted to commit suicide but failed.

Not funny.

Nel/Gunther and suicide don't fit quite together. No person for that matter, but Nel in particular not. He'd seem more like the bloke who'd be able to run suicide therapies or become a Samaritan's worker, running all over the world and snatching the nooses from people's necks.

No, he didn't put the knife that way.

So Nel, what you did before the suicide might have been an utterly senseless and stupid thing to do, and some media folks might be worse than stinking hounds, but suicide? No please.

And now I just read that a buddy of notorious fixer Mazhar Majeed commmited suicide. Suicide appearing twice in cricket in three days is just not good. Not good at all.

It's Australia vs India. It's Epic.

2010-09-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

It's those times of the year again when India will be playing Australia. Or Australia playing India.
Cricinfo tells you to 'whet your appetite' for this fantastic contest because this is going to more epic than Mickey Mouse killing Goliath. How many double tons will Tendulkar score? How many more times will Bhajji get Punter's wicket? Will Roy appear from beneath the pitch with his super human abducting machine and take his best friend to the Planet of Apes? Will we see Matthew Hayden in the commentary box?

Don't get too ahead of yourselves. Bhajji might not even play which means half of these events can't happen. Bhajji is such an influencing obnoxious weed that we need him everywhere for the grand entertainment.
Secondly, Ricky has emphasized that he wants these series to be played in the 'right spirit of cricket'.

"You've got to expect that it's going to be a fierce contest because you've got two very good teams playing international sport. But both teams will understand that they can't overstep the line. There's enough negativity around the world at the moment about international cricket that we have to do the best we can in this series to ensure that people want to watch the game again. There's no doubt that things have been tarnished a bit the last few weeks."

So that's Ricky for you saying he will have nothing to do with any monkey business. Cricket's life is at stake here so understand how crucial everything is.

"What? Me sledging? I don't even spit in my hands anymore, I've got a contract with the Pope you know."

I wonder how the Indians are going to deal with this. They might be getting a ton of inspiration and ideas from the Chennai Super Kings who won two trophies in one year. Be ready to see replications like these:

Playing like total SUPER kings.

The Kings butchered the Warriors

2010-09-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

There was nothing good about yesterday's match. Nothing.

The first problem was with the Warriors name. When you're having a name like this, a name which is reminiscent of oodles of valiant gladiators, hard-nosed Spartans and other brave badasses (you do think this way if you study history), then what do you mean when collapsing like three sumo wrestlers on a pile of lego blocks. And the lego blocks transform into little hopeless midgets.
If you call yourself Warriors, then BLOODY PLAY LIKE SOME.

Then there was that utterly nonsensical shot by Davey Jacobs. Sometimes I wish players could hear some of the rare and important information commentators provide among their monotonous stating of the obvious: Spinners are going to be crucial. But no, thinks Davey, lemme play Figjam's reverse sweep and hit the ball for a BIG six. And then Ashwin gets him LBW and then the wicket parade starts. No glory for Ingram either and so they finish on 124. Another boring score for a final.

Another Warrior with no guts.

If the South African selectors had waited a while with announcing the teams, Jacobs and Ingram might have hit centuries. It's because both would have wanted that coveted post in the national team and killed each other to get that. Not literally, just through the centuries.

Now we come to the MB man; Boucher. Super crisis-enhancer. I keep reiterating of how and why I still want him in the ODI team but every time again he stomps with a dirty sneaker on those thoughts through his miserable batting. Mark, you had a chance to shine in what was probably your first final and YOU MESSED IT UP. Now you might have to cry for a while longer in Hersh's arms.

And through all of this I didn't even mention CSK. Yeah, congrats 'Super Kings', there's no doubt you've been the best of IPL teams so far and you must feel great having those two trophies. Even greater for India Cements.

The Saffas Who Are Going Back to School

2010-09-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

It's over. The season of lacklustreness which saw potbelly development, unchecked music ambitions and hunting for savages in the wild is OVER. No more late night chicken pasta sessions for Kallis. In other words, the grueling three-month holiday of the Saffers is up. Finally, finally.

The squad for the series against Zimbabwe and Pakistan has been announced and it's time to put all those vacation-freaks under the scanner. All of them except Mark and Herschy who will be crying themselves to sleep together as they watch SA play.

The combined team for the Tests, ODIs and T20s against Pakistan and Zimbabwe:
Graeme Smith - Bulldozer framed captain who had better played well now considering he's soon going to be captain no more. The selectors can really drop you now Biff and then Botha will gloat.

Hashim Amla - A bearded wonder who conquered the land of the Indians all alone this year. Apart from this a humble bloke who's got wrists that turn better than washing machine spinners.

Johan Botha - Unemotional dude who will rip off his mask in one match to reveal his RoboTech class A body and then blast down buggers who accuse him of chucking. It's cool to have such a guy as captain.

Mark Boucher - Jakes' best buddy and recently kicked out of the ODI and T20 squads because he's been busy figuring out where the handle of a bat is of late. But I still want him back.

AB de Villiers - Got an operation done at the ankle recently which might only have been to insert a bionic part which is to assist him in becoming the best batsman in the world. No. 1 in ODIs already and busy reading 'How to kick Ass in the UAE' these days.

JP Duminy - JP has been sending postcards to the selectors and Ashwell Prince the entire summer and is prepared to play his customary role of the Incredible Walking Wicket again. Prince is on a mission to strangle him in his favourite blanket.

Paul Harris - Weird chinaman and occasional spinner of the ball. Never got to play in ODIs so far but still is hopeful of playing in the 2011 World Cup. He's so optimistic, our Harro.

Jacques Kallis - Oversized allrounder who recently broke his neck in the CLT20 and will come back with one of gold so that the whole cricket world will stand mesmerized by its radiation and worship him instead of Tendulkar. And then he'd alone get sponsored by KFC and be allowed to gobble up all of Biff's apple pies.

Morne Morkel - Supposed to be the next Pollock and Donald. Bowls quite well but if he only could exchange all his no-balls with banknotes he'd be topping the Forbes list.

Wayne Parnell - Escaped prisoner by looks and otherwise occasional diski player. Can take plenty of wickets but usually at the cost of being clobbered all around simultaneously.

Parny is serious about his diski-ing but doesn't know Rusty is pointing towards his next victim.

Alviro Petersen - Gigantic Virus whichmgihtnowbe...aboout2eat ur scrieeeennnn..
That's his malevolent role, his more evil role is being SA batsman. Okay, that 100 in India was damn good so I've nothing against him.

Ashwell Prince - Lefty who's career was ruined by a broken thumb/Makhaya Ntini and then destroyed by JP. But he's STILL back and ambitious to hit a couple of tons.

Dale Steyn - Bloody fast fast bowler who needs to break a few bones of the opposition more regularly. He's too kind for his profession and even sacrificed his head for Bangalore yesterday.

Lonwabo Tsotsobe - Bowler with undisplayed potential so far. Called Lopsy because you can't pronounce his name without tripping over your tongue.

Colin Ingram - Rookie and plunderer of runs in the MTN40, South Africa's 40-over domestic competition. Don't know much about him yet, but there's much hype surrounding him. You better live up to it boy.

Charl Langeveldt - An underrated and dedicated bloke who's nearly 80 but still manages to produce a stellar performance at times.

See how subtly they have shoved Boucher aside.

David Miller - He's the new guy who made his debut in the Windies and was overall impressive. But there's still plenty of room to be more impressive.

Albie Morkel - Was misused a long while by some top dimwits who only wanted to send him in at 7. Capable of hitting monstrous sixes and even more capable of being hit for them.

Robin Peterson - No idea what he's doing here.

Loots Bosman - He murdered some Poms in a T20 match a while ago but has been playing with plastic daggers ever since.

Heino Kuhn - Replacement keeper for AB in the T20s against Zimbabwe and should be played more often I think. Besides, he's got a name which makes me think of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

Rusty Theron - Member of the Protected Ginger Species. He smiles very creepily and origin is still unknown, so let me remind you it's better to STAY AWAY FROM THIS FREAK.

So on the overall rabblerouser Gibbs and Bulldog Roelof miss out. Which is no surprise really and Roelof might finally be able to pay a visit now to his alien friends on Jupiter.

Waterboy Yuvraj and his Mature Musings

2010-09-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

Yuvraj Singh is no longer a snappy dynamite. He’s doing a makeover and becoming a team man, mentor of younger Indians and mature gentleman.
But he will still be waterboy and carrier of drinks if it pleases the selectors. For the Test series against Australia it has, because there’s a new bloke appearing and so Yuvraj’s been dropped. And he’s handling it like an overly-suave can-do guy.

And he’s reading these days. Something called "Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps".
Bloody hell. I need to send him with John Buchanan over to teach the Poms, they will be such a fantastic duo.

But coming to Cricinfo’s interview; there’s a whole lot of interesting stuff in it. At some stages you would even be surprised why Yuvi didn’t transform into an ogre and run away with the interviewer’s head or even try using one of his eyeballs for an aperitif. But that’s because waterboy is now a new Yuvraj and currently heading an Enlightenment programme.

According to Waterboy, never come to the "Oh shit, man, I can’t do this anymore" stage.
This is the stage where your skin grows wrinkly, brain starts to retard and you’re basically this wrung piece of cloth that can’t bowl or bat without breaking a rib or two.
So according to Yuvraj the solution is to arrive at the "Oh shit, I’m being total shit but I’m young enough to get over it" stage, which happens at your near-thirties.

When asked about the obnoxious nincompoops in the crowd, this is what he had to say:
"I wasn’t reacting to that at all. The crowd behaviour was very abusive, not to me but to other players, so all I said to the security chief, all I did was say, put in a complaint to the ICC - that the crowd was bad."

You have to do stuff the official way; no intermediaries just a straight objection sent to the bosses and job done. Not even a mention of the brouhaha about you being called waterboy. Excellent.

Then comes the next question where he’s asked about being involved in any finger pointing.

"This is all media speculation. They always make it up... okay, I mean, most times stuff is
made up. The same thing happened in West Indies when we went to eat after a match. There was no fault of the players. Cricketers are playing for India. You have a responsibility as ambassadors and we don’t do these things. Everybody has a temper, but I keep my temper in check."

He gets a bit incoherent here, such as talking of how responsible representatives such as his teammates don’t get involved in pub fights, but then only stressing how he controls his temper. As long as it doesn’t get lost, that is. So I’m still inclined to think something rowdy did happen in the West Indies and maybe Nehra was thrown out of the windows after all.

Then Yuvraj also mentions why he looks like a pissed off all the time
It’s because it’s part of the strategic thinking during a match.
Of course you have to laugh occasionally too, which is exactly what Waterboy tells you to do. He’s mature now and knows laughing is good for health.

"Laugh like a real can-do guy: Me!"

Butt is the solution of Pak cricket's problems: cartoon

2010-09-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Ijaz Butt is very concerned about the state of Pakistan cricket. So are we.

But the solution is really simple you know.

JP still rocked when playing for Mumbai

2010-09-20T08:09:00.000-07:00

To the dear, lovable selectors.

It’s me JP here.
Sooo whassup! Howz life goin’?
Oops, sorry for that, it’s because of Twitter you know. Oh no, I haven’t been busy with tweeting and stuff at all, I’ve got better things to do which I actually wanted you to remind of.

Did you guys watch the Mad Men series yesterday night? It was so much better than the CLT20 match between the Mumbai Indians and RCB. But you didn’t watch that right? Don’t worry if you didn’t, I can provide you all the details.

See, first and most important thing is, we won. But we still got kicked out of the tournament. I know you folks might be thinking my innings yesterday was horrible, but it really isn’t. See, I really love SA and country is my first priority. So while I was standing there, scratching around I was really only trying to get as much time at the crease as possible. Now know that Prince wouldn’t ever do such a thing. He would just try to slog around with his amateurish skills and then get out on a duck. And so would Miller. And that new guy called Kleinveldt something who you folks want to play. Truth is, none of the bastards can bat.

So yeah, coming to my innings again, it was all for a good cause. I wanted Jakes to desperately get a wicket so the bloke gets a confidence boost because I know how crucial he is to SA. So I actually sacrificed myself. Besides, you must have noticed how that shot nearly cleared the boundary, so I can still hit sixes if I really want to. And I would have hit a dozen of them hadn’t we been eliminated because I’m in the form of my life. I seriously am.

See the class oozing out of me, the next SRT.

And did I tell you Tendulkar is giving me batting classes? He’s telling me all these secret tips and stuff which Prince, Miller and the Veldt-guy don’t know and that makes me naturally better. If you look closely at me and Tendulkar you’ll see the likeness; we’re both short and I’m sure we belong to the same class of undeniably wonderful batsmen.

So watch me in action against Pak soon!

With lots of love and my blanket,

JP Duminy (the next SRT)

PS: I’m sending highlights of my 160 score against the Aussies to remind you how good I really can be. And try to spot the likeness with SRT please.

Gullers wraps Pakistan in brilliance

2010-09-18T00:33:00.001-07:00

Pakistan won yesterday and it's quite brilliant you know. On the other hand it isn't too brilliant because I had decided not to post if they lost.

Yesterday was all about Gullers and his amazing sixer. Oh, it was amazing. So amazing it killed all the amazingness in the Poms and made you remember how amazing Gul can actually be. He seriously can, even though he played like a horrible dabbler for a while. But now it's all over, all of you should forgive him, and watch replays of his fifer against NZ past year to wallow even more in his amazingness. Do it or he might turn to match-fixing if not appreciated.

"I'm so AMAZINGLY amazing."

Before you drown in Guls's amazingness and get it in your head to blame me for murdering you, let me remind you that there was a cluster of other amusing events too. One of them was of course our very own potty screwball Captain Shahid's dismissal.
It was one of those bedevilling dismissals where you think nothing has happened only to see the batsman heading to the pavilion after a while, and only after a bunch of replays you get the situation.

On a first impression it seems like another insane brainfreeze on Afridi's part. Maybe he was thinking, "Tralala, see how gracefully I jog to the other end; Cheetah shoes must be watching. Oops, there comes the ball, I'm nearly in but let's not rush things or it will disturb the whole effect of the jog." And then he was out.
But if you decipher the situation you will see how Captain Shahid with his super bionic left eye saw the ball approaching with incredible speed and with proficient athletic skill swung to the right to avoid getting his leg bone crushed. That's 10 out of 10 for skilfully planning ahead.

Other than this, Fawad Alam made a nice contribution and old-codger Razzaq displayed his late cameo abilities again. 241 still looked like a crappy score but thankfully the Pommie batsmen were even more crap and so the Stanis won.
And now all of us will have to watch the next game too because it won't be a deadrubber. You're only allowed to miss deadrubbers and a few T20 games of cricket.

Edit: And now I hear the ICC will investigate the match because of fixing rumours. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Random Post

2010-09-18T00:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, in case you didn't note, I've finally added the About page to the blog. It's quite lengthy I'm warning you but then I've never been particularly famous for my brevity.

I've also added the subscription widgets so if you're interested you can subscribe.

Oh, and you might see the desing occasionally changing here. I love change and I get easily bored by the same colours and design. It'd be right if you got bored easily too.

That's all.

Goodbye again Freddie

2010-09-17T01:54:00.000-07:00

The hospitals and docs couldn’t stand it anymore. They said, "See Freddie, it’s not going to work. You’ve got the body of a porcelain china doll and your limbs dangle loosely on your frame like a Pinocchio puppet. Your nose could come of by sneezing and yet you want to play such a rigorous and macho game like cricket. We advise you to stop before we have to replace all your body joints with metal hinges. Give up cricket."

‘Give up cricket.’

The thought roamed in Freddie’s already unbalanced body like a creepy phantom, picking on his body parts. His right knee in particular.
It wasn’t easy. After all he was the sensational Pom in the 2005 Ashes, the one who made 402 runs and took 42 wickets and brought England a victory on a platter. And his million dollar contract with the Chennai Super Kings, the fifer at Lords...leave it all? He didn’t want to, but ...

‘Realism, Fred, Realism. Ah yes’, Freddie thought as his right knee hurt again. He realised he’d been shit for a long while now, his body even shittier at coping with the cricket, and also, he couldn’t stretch out his 2005 performance any more. People didn’t even care about his nice gesture to Lee.
So Freddie called a presser and retired.
Not many were surprised.

That isn’t a surprise either. I can’t recall when I saw him even playing a whole season without succumbing to some injury. There was of course that booze problem too for Fred, but since about the past 3 years it’s been all about his unstable frame. And England fussed and fretted over it. ‘Freddie’s hurt, Freddie’s down...but he’ll be back. Of course he will be, for the Ashes at least.’
But then naughty Freddie joined the IPL, did a clunker’s job for Chennai, and eventually got attacked by another nasty injury.

And now the time has come that the Pommies are doing a good job of it without the showman. Oh yes, a darn good job and Swanny says they don’t even miss him.
Maybe because he was an overrated talisman and maybe because we already knew since a year he won’t ever show up on a cricket field again, despite him being foolishly optimistic of hitting one-day cricket soon like a meteorite. But never mind, that nonsense might have come because of the Red Bull he was sipping.

You might want to read Andrew Miller’s piece on Cricinfo, because for once I agree.

So, goodbye then Freddie. You might have been an overvalued schizophrenic bigwig and a
bloody Pom, but one I liked better than most of the team and one I enjoyed watching play.

We might miss you.

Kind of.

Applause people, applause. The pantomime's showman is leaving.

Bhajji getting vicious

2010-09-14T08:12:00.000-07:00

The match-fixing thing has enraged more than many, but Bhajji is filled with much vehemence in particular for bookies. So much actually that he is now issuing statements that brim with anger and tells you how the miscreants should be treated.

“I will slap any bookie who will come near me, big time.”

Slapping, as you all know is a specialty for Bhajji. And the cunning nuisance himself knows it; don’t you see the grimace in that phrase? ‘Haha, that really hurt you poor little Sree, didn’t it? Of course it did, you ran sobbing to Miss Preety, you little whinger. And now the whole world is scared of my slapping abilities thanks to your tears.’

That Bhajji has savage feelings for the bookies doesn’t concern me much, but apparently he is as violent towards his critics. Even more probably:

“I will cut off those fingers.”

I should lock my doors. What if Bhajji sees any of my criticism and gets it in his head to sneak in my house and cut my fingers? Will I still be able to write then?

I’d better make sure Mumbai keeps him involved by having him play for them. And give him some counselling too because Bhajji is getting dangerous. So dangerous we might need to hang posters around like these to warn unsuspecting people:

WARNING: Bhajji becomes Bluebeard!

A jolly good match

2010-09-13T04:10:00.000-07:00

Yes it was, despite the very obnoxious fact that England won, Strauss the Ostrich made 126 runs and the English are now the no. 2 team in the world. I’m still figuring out how I have to swallow that latter bit of news: “England the no. 2 team in the world.” Gulps. That just doesn’t seem to be logical.

On to the match. The Stani openers did so well that it didn’t seem to be logical either, but it was the kind of absurdity I liked. And Kakmal is on a mission to save his career. The bastard. He knows we all want him kicked out so he’s now trying to become Pakistan’s best batsman. Alas he doesn’t know that him batting well is very suspicious behaviour too and we might speculate he’s into some dark fixing business. Watch out, Akmal.

This Shafiq guy is really impressive and MoYo is being his usual old good self again. Among the Stani batsmen potty screwball Captain Shahid is the only one who requires a spanking as his igniting fuel supply is plummeting since the past four games and I want him to play a real Boom Boom innings; not a small cracker game. Enough to set the town on fire. Not literally, of course.

See how scared Davies is at seeing MoYo baring his teeth. Get him MoYo, get him.

Other than that did you see Broady’s economy rate? It was ABOVE 8. I know he got 4 wickets too, but that doesn’t count here. He got hammered around for 13 boundaries and it was the first thing that conjured a malicious grimace on my face when seeing the scorecard. That was nice of you Broady, it really was.

You can't hide the tears Stuey.

Best thing about the match was that it was actually absorbing. I’m here to rub this in the face of all ODI haters. Yeah, take that, ODI is still jumping and frolicking around and people still love him. The other good thing was that the Stanis were competitive and we need them to be after that fiasco.

Oh, and don’t say the Stanis have earned any momentum now. They never do, and as I’ve said before they have been known to conjure it up when there was none, and also have been known to squander it when the momentum was falling out of their pockets. They love to keep you guessing.

And one question: Where the Hell is Kieswetter?

Operation Revenge KP

2010-09-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Saffers,

Opportunity of vengeance has been thrown our way. All those years we waited for the crook who left Safferland to show up again (and alone, without the Queen’s guards), and now he will. Yes, repeat that: all alone. Slowly lick your lips at this enticement and unleash the Hannibal in you. Figjam is coming back.

You didn’t expect it, did you? And since I’ve told you the big news (shut up, news sites don’t count), I am going to tell you how we will carry out our ‘Big Operation Revenge Kp’. Oh yes, it should be a gigantic, big, and fearsome one.

First, you need to reach the heights of abhorrence for Figjam. That you do by recollecting all what’s there to hate about him; like him leaving SA, blaming the quotas, trying to become a Pom and eventually ending up with an inflated egohead so big he could drift down the Mississippi River with it. If it still doesn’t work, you can go and take some counselling in KP-hate from mspr1nt. I’m sure she’ll help you out.

Okay, then we come to the poster making. We’re all going to make big posters in which we cleverly welcome Kp so he thinks we’re glad to have him back, and that way he won’t run back. And then when we have him, we’ll attack. I’m putting my poster up here first so you can get an idea:

After that we invite him over to a tea party (where we tell him we offer very very English tea), after which we hem him in and then....ATTACK! See, so very simple and uncomplicated.

If you have some unfinished business with our dear Figjam, you send us an email at Figjambashers_for_life@thesaffaspirit.com, tell us the details of why you want to take revenge, and you’ll get a ticket to the tea tavern. Last date for entries is 20 September, so make sure you don’t miss out on this life-time opportunity!

Disclaimer: We don’t take any responsibility for excessive violence. You will serve your verdict in jail yourself.

Sorry, no Bzzzs at the CLT20

2010-09-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

Ha, that’s how it should be. No vuvuzelas for a cricket competition. Not at all. You can have it at the footy tournaments but cricket is just too royal, too serene, and too divine for such maddening bee mimickers.

A banned exasperating object.

Even CSA’s Majola has said “it isn’t the sound of cricket”. Bingo. It’s become the sound of football and I can’t have cricket parroting footy’s aural resource because that would look like cricket has no innovative buddies who can make something better than that noisy plastic junk. We need to come up with something that when it reverberates, the vuvuzela melts away in ignominy. I’m already thinking of Carl Orff's Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi.

Together with the vuvuzela, there are a whole lot of other things banned at the stadiums during the CLT20:

• Firearms, weapons, knives and imitation weapons.

That’s fairly logical, isn’t it? You are there to watch the cricket, not some gory assassination scene. Imitation weapons are still fun to scare the shit out of others though.

• Fireworks, explosives, flammable items (exceptions: cigarette lighters/matches)

If Modi was organising all this and heard they aren’t going to have fireworks, he would have blown himself up. I wonder how a Modi firework would look like though. It’d probably all explode in cash.

• Mace/ gas containers (exceptions: aerosol deodorant, medication or insect repellent)
• Glass bottles or containers (exceptions: soft drinks/water in plastic bottles/flasks, perfume, prescription medication, insect repellent bottles)

See how they listed insect repellents twice here in the exceptions? That means be prepared for a beeswarm attack or a horde of cockroaches to take you underground.

• Alcohol

Means poor JesseR won’t be able to show up. Neither will we have a drunk crackpot invading the ground and assailing a player.

• Illegal drugs or narcotics
• Cans (soft drinks and alcohol)

So only water? Which health department has poked its nose in here?

• Braai equipment

WHAT?! No braai?! You’re holding a tournament in South Africa and you won’t allow braai? Ban the CLT20 Saffers, ban it.

• Animals (except guide dogs)

I hope our friend from the 2009 IPL is a guide dog. Then he can invade a game of the Chennai Super Kings again.

Remember to lick the both the guy in red and yellow when you come fellow.

• Air horns/blow horns, Vuvuzelas

Yeah, we already heard that.

• Tripods for cameras
• Video cameras or camcorders

This sucks. Because the spectators didn’t buy telecast rights, that’s why?

So that sums up the rules for the CLT20 'extravaganza'. Do you still want to show up?

Veena Malik wants a Bravery Award

2010-09-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

I told you this damsel wants to inflate her fame. So much actually that now she expects to get a bravery award in her lap :

"I seriously expected a bravery award after what I have done."

Said so Veena Malik who valiantly betrayed Mohammad Asif the Rogue part of the Sicilian Mafia and now expects to be kidnapped by him.

Herschelle Gibbs will be calling for a bravery award next for daring to drop something as precious as a World Cup.