All Hail the Kiwis and Chris Martin

Before the series between India and the Blackaps started, I thought of doing a post requesting the Indians to be a bit generous to the Kiwis and beat them gently if they will. I had a presentiment that after the disastrous tour to Bangladesh, the Kiwis would end up as mustard midgets at the hand of India and Daniel Vettori would run crying to Geneva to start his life as an evil scientist in recluse.

But today we were shown that goodness is bestown on the good. The Kiwis are noble folks, they rarely thrash anyone and they won the ICC Spirit of Cricket Award twice in a row. Yes, it's true, and if you are still not convinced you should remind yourself they are led by a man with spectacles. There's too much good about spectacles.

Anyhow, today it was India who was turned into smithereens for a change. Bloody India who almost never lose on their own fields and robbed the Saffers of a Test series victory are now lying in a hopeless rubble and only some Laxman is out to glue them together. All of we have to pray that doesn't happen because that would seriously spoil Chris Martin's heroics.

Chris Martin is the coolest bald ninja on earth. He proved he can survive for plenty of balls and can take 5 wickets in a day without going crazy as a result of the achievement. He radiated so much superhero-ness today that Dan the Man couldn't even act as his sidekick.

That's Chris Martin's move to hit someone in the head.

JesseR and that new guy Williamson deserve lots and lots of praise for their batting work too, together with Taylor and Baz, but nothing would look as great if the Kiwis didn't win this one know.
The only advantage of this would be Jesse Ryder not getting drunk in the celebrations.

But anyhow Blackaps, win it. Just win it.

Sorry, no Bzzzs at the CLT20

Ha, that’s how it should be. No vuvuzelas for a cricket competition. Not at all. You can have it at the footy tournaments but cricket is just too royal, too serene, and too divine for such maddening bee mimickers.

A banned exasperating object.

Even CSA’s Majola has said “it isn’t the sound of cricket”. Bingo. It’s become the sound of football and I can’t have cricket parroting footy’s aural resource because that would look like cricket has no innovative buddies who can make something better than that noisy plastic junk. We need to come up with something that when it reverberates, the vuvuzela melts away in ignominy. I’m already thinking of Carl Orff's Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi.


Together with the vuvuzela, there are a whole lot of other things banned at the stadiums during the CLT20:

• Firearms, weapons, knives and imitation weapons.


That’s fairly logical, isn’t it? You are there to watch the cricket, not some gory assassination scene. Imitation weapons are still fun to scare the shit out of others though.


• Fireworks, explosives, flammable items (exceptions: cigarette lighters/matches)


If Modi was organising all this and heard they aren’t going to have fireworks, he would have blown himself up. I wonder how a Modi firework would look like though. It’d probably all explode in cash.


• Mace/ gas containers (exceptions: aerosol deodorant, medication or insect repellent)
• Glass bottles or containers (exceptions: soft drinks/water in plastic bottles/flasks, perfume, prescription medication, insect repellent bottles)


See how they listed insect repellents twice here in the exceptions? That means be prepared for a beeswarm attack or a horde of cockroaches to take you underground.


• Alcohol


Means poor JesseR won’t be able to show up. Neither will we have a drunk crackpot invading the ground and assailing a player.


• Illegal drugs or narcotics
• Cans (soft drinks and alcohol)


So only water? Which health department has poked its nose in here?


• Braai equipment


WHAT?! No braai?! You’re holding a tournament in South Africa and you won’t allow braai? Ban the CLT20 Saffers, ban it.


• Animals (except guide dogs)


I hope our friend from the 2009 IPL is a guide dog. Then he can invade a game of the Chennai Super Kings again.

Remember to lick the both the guy in red and yellow when you come fellow.

• Air horns/blow horns, Vuvuzelas


Yeah, we already heard that.


• Tripods for cameras
• Video cameras or camcorders


This sucks. Because the spectators didn’t buy telecast rights, that’s why?

So that sums up the rules for the CLT20 'extravaganza'. Do you still want to show up?

He’s JesseR. And he’s a Bad Boy.

In the profile of New Zealand’s unruly baddie and sworn troublemaker for life, JesseR has wreaked havoc in a hotel again. With complete hyperbolic exaggeration we’re telling you he probably smashed ten windows, hung the hotel registrant at a door and clubbed down a few of the police officers after getting inebriated by finishing four crates of beer bottles.

This news isn’t the bad one though. The bad one is that he’s got enough of this behaviour.

Now for many of the Blackaps it’s been a bit of a tough job getting the same high profile image as those from India and Australia get. But not for JesseR. He was the Kiwi who trumpeted his entry from beyond the boundary, blaring "HEY THERE! IT‘S ME JESSE-R AND WILL I BE A GOOD LAD? NEVAAAA!!!"

That’s how you do it. That’s how you make yourself popular in a time frame less than one-tenth that of Vettori and putting in an effort less than one-tenth of Vettori. Go JesseR- he was the man who brought the art of popularity-in-9-months to cricket and tarnished New Zealand’s reputation of gentleness.

But now what he’s got to say is this:

"Now I know that I have to keep my head down, keep training hard and force my way back in the side. This is pretty much a wakeup call for me. I just have to stay home now and try and stay away from all the off-field distractions so I don’t get in trouble out in public. I’m pretty desperate to stay on the right track and be a Black Cap [New Zealand player]."

"Now they've hidden away all the booze. Criminals."

JesseR, don’t you realise we won’t like you as a meek giant teddybear? That we want you to be a rebellious monster of a grizzly? Don’t believe everything what New Zealand Cricket tells you. Play like a superstar for one season and break hell the next; they can’t drop you that way.

Way to go, JesseR.