Sunil Gavaskar's Masterpiece

I'm guilty of not blogging after the Saffas' game yesterday and it's got slightly to do with the game being in the morning. Morning games often mean I'll miss them and then have to catch up with the arduous task of trying to get some decent highlights somewhere.


Anyhow, I didn't miss much.

The Boofus Biff was scratchy again, Haircules got out quickly again (yes, 'again') and Hash and AB as usual had to do a revival job in their own fashions, one as I read on Cricinfo like a 'sage' and the other like a 'surfer boy'. There's nothing particular about that except for that it invokes a image of King Hash the Illegal meditating in a yoga posture on AB's surfboard, who's gliding over the sharks in yellow-and-red striped swimming trunks. I mean, just like the unbearable colours on his website.

So I'll save your time and just bring to notice the best moment of the match.

It was a piece of Sunil Gavaskar's commentary brought to my notice while reading a forum. It's peerless in being uncomprehending and hilarious, which is actually quite difficult to do nowadays considering Danny Morisson and Co. exist.

It goes like this. AB who is playing the amazing energizer bunny rabbit again, loots Loots (sorry for the pun, I couldn't resist it) for three consecutive sixes.

Memories of Gibbs hitting six sixes are immediately conjured up as AB reaches the possibility of doing it and Robin Jackman quickly says "Now don't let us mention it yet."

Gavaskar then thinks he should say something too. So he takes Jackman's sentence as a cue and starts prattling on about Gibbs' six sixes and the possibility of AB doing it too.

Either he's become deaf by sitting in the commentary box besides Ravi Shastri, or he's a bit slow.

Our Mission Men for the CWC

Right, time we talked about this South African WC squad.

It isn't one of the sort which would send me screaming to Andrew Hudson's house with a bazooka in my hand, because there is some sanity in the selection. That, and I'm not really fond of killing people.

Mark Boucher isn't in it. Jakes didn't throw a tantrum this time, but in sad fairytale words, one of the three dreams of these two besties, to win a World Cup, is gone now. I feel for you Bouch, I know how it is when the villain sniggers at the end of the story.

The villain in question, Andrew Hudson, had brains enough to choose an extra wickie in the form of Van Wyk, just in case AB breaks his back.

The only uncapped player making it is Imran Tahir and seeing how much he's played in the series against India, he might remain uncapped. Excellent, and at his cost Robbie P might get a few games to play. South Africa are ready to this just because it portrays a kind of maverick genius when you leave your dream spinner with real talent for a bloke who can only bowl lollipops and shows his face in a cricket field once a year.

"Hello, I'm here to torture you all again."

And then they say Robbie P is there on 'merit'.

Seems like they also got really enough of Albie and although he's been crap since a while, I do feel for him. They have been treating him like a dead germ in the bathroom since a while now.

What really amazes me is that this is what 4 years of development to the next CWC has led to. An uncapped player, two domestic players who have played under 10 matches, and Miller who they persisted with, has been dropped. With some of this madness, we might actually win a World Cup.

But South Africa does look in a shaky shape.

And I don't know whether one needs to be happy or sad about that.

The entire squad:
Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, AB de Villiers (wk), JP Duminy, Faf du Plessis, Colin Ingram, Jacques Kallis, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Robin Peterson, Dale Steyn, Imran Tahir, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Morne van Wyk (wk)

Shahrukh Khan takes over South Africa

In what marked an important event yesterday, King Khan descended with his Bollywood troops in the Moses Mabhida Stadium, Durban to mark the entrance of Indians in the country since 150 years. It's important, we wouldn't have Hashim Amla playing for South Africa otherwise.

The whole concert and party thing was remarkably and confusingly big, so unless you have an incessant desire to cheer yourself up by some bash and noise, it doesn't make sense. Either this, or there's something fishy going on.

To lengthen the plot, I'll go with the latter.

Right, there is something fishy going on, and apparently it's to do with Evil Shah 'Rookh' Khan trying to take over South Africa.
Before your little King Khan fan guts start seething, allow me to present the proof.

First of all, Evil Shah Rookh Khan has bought our national hero Woogie Haircules for his KKR team and will automatically swing countless Saffers in his support that way.

Then, all was confirmed in the Bollywood concert we had yesterday after the Durbs game.

He started with an enthralling speech on the love between these two countries till it made the spectators' hearts bloom with euphoria and sentiment.



Then he encouraginly called JP by his side and learned him a few sledges in Hindi, to assault Sreesanth with.

 

Rusty slowly started losing his mind...



But the worst was yet to come. Poor naive Saffer cricketers were made to wear shiny belts and dance. Evil Shah Rookh Khan took great care to not wear one himself. Just look at the spectacle they made.

The villain was quite successful in the scheme considering the indoctrinated Saffers tweeted praises as soon as they could.

There's some other awful news too. AB learned from Shah Rookh Khan to sing in Hindi, and he sang Yeh Dosti. Friendship lyrics that are, how very very cunning.

Clearly SRK mistook AB's eyes for his ears.

Considering King Khan was able to cope with AB singing, we might be in for more atrocity. Don't choke yourself on popcorn when you see our popstar singing in one of the Khan's movies. He's AB and they'll just let him do about anything.

And before I forget, even our legend Ntini wasn't spared from the Khan's clutches.

That's a political handshake where one clearly means business. Run, Mackie, run.

AB, the Umpires and Biff's Brain

AB scored 278 today. Well. Well, well. 278 might look an ordinarily excellent score but not if you take the story of the two blind umpires and the one of selfless Biff in account. Because now it's become almost a fairytale.

The story is one where on the first day of the second Test, two old men responsible for surveillance of play on the field turned blind. Just blind, all of a sudden, and I can tell you the Basilisk wasn't slithering around anywhere. Because of this AB didn't get out twice when he should have been, and so he decided it was time to get out a bulldozer and flatten the tiring Stani bowlers to crushed cornflakes. Stani fans now think the time has come to dump Umpire Asoka in some Chilean mine and don't inform the rescuers about it.

Alright, he was a lucky lad, but about 200 runs followed in which he was just bloody brilliant, everything made even more brilliant by Gul involving in conversational skills unknown to mankind. Thank you Gul, thank you AB, thank you Mike Haysman.

Nothing was over, however. AB made 150, 200, 250, oh boy, it just wasn't enough. AB was running on the galaxies with Bolton owned Nike sneakers and all around it was raining lollipops. Then they called him for tea and AB didn't want to bat anymore, but the all-wise Boofus Biff said 'Damn that rubbish. You're going to play, break my record and allow my goodness to prevail.'
So AB went out and did it. The 300 was in sight...nearly there...and then the lights went out.

Okay, can anyone now explain to me the workings of Boofus Biff's brain? Don't worry, I'm prepared for a very complex evaluation. Or maybe I'm not, so here's what I think. See, if you know the Saffer cricket watching folks you'll know plenty of them don't really like Biff. Biff doesn't like that either, and he's got his reasons because they'll just blame him for everything. Even if he scores a thousand runs, and the team loses he's a brainless calf with a square head. Today was thus the opportunity to spread some love and show he doesn't care about his milestones and let AB get it. It was still generous and most unScroogelike I'd say.

As to about not letting AB get to 300; I don't know. It really wasn't a matter of 3 or 5 overs dictating the match's result, so according to me it was plain brainlessness. Strangely, AB said
he was a happie chappie with what he got and didn't look ahead to the 300. Yes AB, we all know you're a team man, but come on, we really could have done with a Saffer getting 300. It kinda sucks seeing none of our batsmen have got more than 278 while Lara's got 400 and the rest 300 plusses. The shame of it.

ICC Oscars and A Twatto Comic

It was the ICC Awards time today and all of you can go now and dance a wild can can with your mom's shoes on and fire crackers even if it isn't Diwali. That is for all you SRT fans. In the meanwhile I'm going to put a few crackers in Swanny's pants.

The super excitement for this super important event couldn't build up the way I wanted because I thought the awards were on the 8th. But somehow, they had them today and they were much more agreeable than last year. Last year was just the time when you wanted to stuff the whole selection panel in Haydos' sweaty shirt and bowl them to Virender Sehwag.

Not this year because the winners chosen makes sense. Kind of.

The ICC Cricketer's of the Year is Tendulkar. Was that even a question? If Tendulkar didn't win this time, war could have been declared on the ICC. He deserved it, simple as that.

For the Tests, Virender Sehwag won. The Indians are really ruling this thing, just as Sehwag rules every bowler who thinks can bowl to him. But boy, this man was amazing throughout the year. I just hope he is tired now and plays rubbish when India visit South Africa. Otherwise Harro's World Cup dreams are going to be entirely ruined.

The ODI award went to AB de Villiers. Aha. Finally a Saffer. Some might say he was the wrong guy to be chosen for this, but he gobbled up a whole lot of runs this year so he deserved it. Talking of AB, I've no idea how his performance on stage went, but even hearing about it was a complete shocker. I can smell Lee burning from here. Learn the virtues of sharing Binga, is it the end of the world if AB too becomes India's favourite out-of-country singer boy?

There is something about Twatto too. He wasn't spotted at the Awards, but he knows all about it and is very concerned.

The Saffas Who Are Going Back to School

It's over. The season of lacklustreness which saw potbelly development, unchecked music ambitions and hunting for savages in the wild is OVER. No more late night chicken pasta sessions for Kallis. In other words, the grueling three-month holiday of the Saffers is up. Finally, finally.

The squad for the series against Zimbabwe and Pakistan has been announced and it's time to put all those vacation-freaks under the scanner. All of them except Mark and Herschy who will be crying themselves to sleep together as they watch SA play.

The combined team for the Tests, ODIs and T20s against Pakistan and Zimbabwe:
Graeme Smith - Bulldozer framed captain who had better played well now considering he's soon going to be captain no more. The selectors can really drop you now Biff and then Botha will gloat. 

Hashim Amla - A bearded wonder who conquered the land of the Indians all alone this year. Apart from this a humble bloke who's got wrists that turn better than washing machine spinners.

Johan Botha - Unemotional dude who will rip off his mask in one match to reveal his RoboTech class A body and then blast down buggers who accuse him of chucking. It's cool to have such a guy as captain.

Mark Boucher - Jakes' best buddy and recently kicked out of the ODI and T20 squads because he's been busy figuring out where the handle of a bat is of late. But I still want him back.

AB de Villiers - Got an operation done at the ankle recently which might only have been to insert a bionic part which is to assist him in becoming the best batsman in the world. No. 1 in ODIs already and busy reading 'How to kick Ass in the UAE' these days.

JP Duminy - JP has been sending postcards to the selectors and Ashwell Prince the entire summer and is prepared to play his customary role of the Incredible Walking Wicket again. Prince is on a mission to strangle him in his favourite blanket.

Paul Harris - Weird chinaman and occasional spinner of the ball. Never got to play in ODIs so far but still is hopeful of playing in the 2011 World Cup. He's so optimistic, our Harro.

Jacques Kallis - Oversized allrounder who recently broke his neck in the CLT20 and will come back with one of gold so that the whole cricket world will stand mesmerized by its radiation and worship him instead of Tendulkar. And then he'd alone get sponsored by KFC and be allowed to gobble up all of Biff's apple pies.

Morne Morkel - Supposed to be the next Pollock and Donald. Bowls quite well but if he only could exchange all his no-balls with banknotes he'd be topping the Forbes list.

Wayne Parnell - Escaped prisoner by looks and otherwise occasional diski player. Can take plenty of wickets but usually at the cost of being clobbered all around simultaneously.

Parny is serious about his diski-ing but doesn't know Rusty is pointing towards his next victim.

Alviro Petersen - Gigantic Virus whichmgihtnowbe...aboout2eat ur scrieeeennnn..
That's his malevolent role, his more evil role is being SA batsman. Okay, that 100 in India was damn good so I've nothing against him.

Ashwell Prince - Lefty who's career was ruined by a broken thumb/Makhaya Ntini and then destroyed by JP. But he's STILL back and ambitious to hit a couple of tons.

Dale Steyn - Bloody fast fast bowler who needs to break a few bones of the opposition more regularly. He's too kind for his profession and even sacrificed his head for Bangalore yesterday. 

Lonwabo Tsotsobe - Bowler with undisplayed potential so far. Called Lopsy because you can't pronounce his name without tripping over your tongue.

Colin Ingram - Rookie and plunderer of runs in the MTN40, South Africa's 40-over domestic competition. Don't know much about him yet, but there's much hype surrounding him. You better live up to it boy.

Charl Langeveldt - An underrated and dedicated bloke who's nearly 80 but still manages to produce a stellar performance at times.

See how subtly they have shoved Boucher aside.

David Miller - He's the new guy who made his debut in the Windies and was overall impressive. But there's still plenty of room to be more impressive.

Albie Morkel - Was misused a long while by some top dimwits who only wanted to send him in at 7. Capable of hitting monstrous sixes and even more capable of being hit for them.

Robin Peterson - No idea what he's doing here.

Loots Bosman - He murdered some Poms in a T20 match a while ago but has been playing with plastic daggers ever since.

Heino Kuhn - Replacement keeper for AB in the T20s against Zimbabwe and should be played more often I think. Besides, he's got a name which makes me think of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

Rusty Theron - Member of the Protected Ginger Species. He smiles very creepily and origin is still unknown, so let me remind you it's better to STAY AWAY FROM THIS FREAK.

So on the overall rabblerouser Gibbs and Bulldog Roelof miss out. Which is no surprise really and Roelof might finally be able to pay a visit now to his alien friends on Jupiter.

AB tells us Broady sucks and Biff is a glutton

I just found this video of AB being asked about some 20 silly questions by Sports Illustrated.
I'm posting it here so I can fulfill my task of doing two posts today and it's already been a while since something about the Saffers has been up here.

I love the fact that AB finds Stuey Broad the most annoying player around. I've also disovered that Biff is the biggest gobbler in the team. Yes, even bigger than Jakes. The last questions just make me wonder why people are always interested in idiotic things.

The Good Cricket Week That Was

It was a wonderful week of cricket, and they don’t come around often these great cricket weeks. I missed some action, but am packing these news tidbits together here.

The Stanis won a Test against the Aussies and how brilliant this was doesn’t need explanation. It was so damn formidable they took to the streets in Pakistan and celebrated like crazy teens having won a scholarship to America.

Murali got 800 wickets against the Indians, as I expected. It’s a good thing, because 800 is a much nicer number than an annoying 799. What would he have said if someone asked him how many wickets he got? Se-ven-hun-dred-nine-ty-nine?
And now if ever anyone talks about it, I can proudly say he never got me out. Even once.

Figjam (KP) got snubbed by Hampshire because they preferred the balance of some younger lads. It means they have been kind of noncompliant to what the ECB wanted, and KP possibly won’t get any match practice now before the Stani Test. Aamer and Asif, I hope you guys are listening and are prepared with a mean plan.

Haroon Lorgat, the ICC chief executive fellow, has said there might be a Test Championship in 2012 or 2013. It’s to revive interest in the format, but he hasn’t told us whether anybody will actually watch. I will, but will shift my bed before the television then first.

Yesterday I saw cricket being mentioned for the first time in a Belgian newspaper. And it was only to tell Desmond Tutu, former Saffa cleric and activist , would like to spend some of his time watching it now he’s retired. Ignorant fools.

Last is a bit of Saffa news, which had to be included even though they are apparently doing nothing these days. But the dangerous effects of idleness are showing up:

Biff and Bouch are gone off to some place where they’re dressing a third person up in wacky outfits. And Smith is gradually transforming into the real Granny Smith: He's a rather misformed Granny, don't you think?

AB is so bored he decided to have his fit ankle operated (a friend made me realise this) and so he spent his time in hospital playing on his Blackberry and twittering. And now he’s got it in his head to use the time with his swollen ankle to promote his debut CD. Which I’m warning you, will be out on the 2nd of August.

And Dale Steyn has opened his account on twitter too, but apparently doesn't know it's meant to tweet with. Apart from one toilet break, he hasn't told much.