Saturday, 25 September 2010

The Saffas Who Are Going Back to School

It's over. The season of lacklustreness which saw potbelly development, unchecked music ambitions and hunting for savages in the wild is OVER. No more late night chicken pasta sessions for Kallis. In other words, the grueling three-month holiday of the Saffers is up. Finally, finally.

The squad for the series against Zimbabwe and Pakistan has been announced and it's time to put all those vacation-freaks under the scanner. All of them except Mark and Herschy who will be crying themselves to sleep together as they watch SA play.

The combined team for the Tests, ODIs and T20s against Pakistan and Zimbabwe:
Graeme Smith - Bulldozer framed captain who had better played well now considering he's soon going to be captain no more. The selectors can really drop you now Biff and then Botha will gloat. 

Hashim Amla - A bearded wonder who conquered the land of the Indians all alone this year. Apart from this a humble bloke who's got wrists that turn better than washing machine spinners.

Johan Botha - Unemotional dude who will rip off his mask in one match to reveal his RoboTech class A body and then blast down buggers who accuse him of chucking. It's cool to have such a guy as captain.

Mark Boucher - Jakes' best buddy and recently kicked out of the ODI and T20 squads because he's been busy figuring out where the handle of a bat is of late. But I still want him back.

AB de Villiers - Got an operation done at the ankle recently which might only have been to insert a bionic part which is to assist him in becoming the best batsman in the world. No. 1 in ODIs already and busy reading 'How to kick Ass in the UAE' these days.

JP Duminy - JP has been sending postcards to the selectors and Ashwell Prince the entire summer and is prepared to play his customary role of the Incredible Walking Wicket again. Prince is on a mission to strangle him in his favourite blanket.

Paul Harris - Weird chinaman and occasional spinner of the ball. Never got to play in ODIs so far but still is hopeful of playing in the 2011 World Cup. He's so optimistic, our Harro.

Jacques Kallis - Oversized allrounder who recently broke his neck in the CLT20 and will come back with one of gold so that the whole cricket world will stand mesmerized by its radiation and worship him instead of Tendulkar. And then he'd alone get sponsored by KFC and be allowed to gobble up all of Biff's apple pies.

Morne Morkel - Supposed to be the next Pollock and Donald. Bowls quite well but if he only could exchange all his no-balls with banknotes he'd be topping the Forbes list.

Wayne Parnell - Escaped prisoner by looks and otherwise occasional diski player. Can take plenty of wickets but usually at the cost of being clobbered all around simultaneously.

Parny is serious about his diski-ing but doesn't know Rusty is pointing towards his next victim.

Alviro Petersen - Gigantic Virus whichmgihtnowbe...aboout2eat ur scrieeeennnn..
That's his malevolent role, his more evil role is being SA batsman. Okay, that 100 in India was damn good so I've nothing against him.

Ashwell Prince - Lefty who's career was ruined by a broken thumb/Makhaya Ntini and then destroyed by JP. But he's STILL back and ambitious to hit a couple of tons.

Dale Steyn - Bloody fast fast bowler who needs to break a few bones of the opposition more regularly. He's too kind for his profession and even sacrificed his head for Bangalore yesterday. 

Lonwabo Tsotsobe - Bowler with undisplayed potential so far. Called Lopsy because you can't pronounce his name without tripping over your tongue.

Colin Ingram - Rookie and plunderer of runs in the MTN40, South Africa's 40-over domestic competition. Don't know much about him yet, but there's much hype surrounding him. You better live up to it boy.

Charl Langeveldt - An underrated and dedicated bloke who's nearly 80 but still manages to produce a stellar performance at times.

See how subtly they have shoved Boucher aside.

David Miller - He's the new guy who made his debut in the Windies and was overall impressive. But there's still plenty of room to be more impressive.

Albie Morkel - Was misused a long while by some top dimwits who only wanted to send him in at 7. Capable of hitting monstrous sixes and even more capable of being hit for them.

Robin Peterson - No idea what he's doing here.

Loots Bosman - He murdered some Poms in a T20 match a while ago but has been playing with plastic daggers ever since.

Heino Kuhn - Replacement keeper for AB in the T20s against Zimbabwe and should be played more often I think. Besides, he's got a name which makes me think of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

Rusty Theron - Member of the Protected Ginger Species. He smiles very creepily and origin is still unknown, so let me remind you it's better to STAY AWAY FROM THIS FREAK.

So on the overall rabblerouser Gibbs and Bulldog Roelof miss out. Which is no surprise really and Roelof might finally be able to pay a visit now to his alien friends on Jupiter.


Sanya - England Cricket Blog ( said...

Very interesting, long and funny post. I dislike short posts btw. Smith was crap when he was picked for SA. He was picked over KP because of racial discrimination. And he was made captain too early but I think he has done his job fairly well. Good descriptions. But yeah, Botha is a chucker lol. Dale Steyn is over-rated. He bowls badly sometimes but still carries the tag of "World's best bowler". Morne Morkel is a real class bowler.

sunny said...

Welcome Sanya.
Well you're the first person I know who likes long posts, tbh I prefer the short ones. ;)
It wasn't a tussle between KP and Smith of making it to the squad, their rivalry exists because of other reasons.
Err..I wouldn't say Dale Steyn is overrated, he really is a class bowler and his exploits in India and other places stand proof to that. Any bowler can have a bad day.
Morne is good but he seriously needs to work on his no-ball problem.

Sanya - England Cricket Blog ( said...

I stand by my comments on Steyn and Morkel. People believe Steyn is the world's best bowler but he isn't. On what base are you sayin' "It wasn't a tussle between KP and Smith of making it to the squad, their rivalry exists because of other reasons."? Their rivalry started when Smith was picked over KP but people know 'bout more famous and recent conflicts, not the ones which happened before Kapes made it to the England team.

sunny said...

KP played for Kwa-zulu Natal whereas Smith played for the Cape Cobras and both had entirely different roles. Smith has always been a batsman whereas KP was more of an offspinner and lower-order batsman at the time. It's unlikely that two players of roles so different would compete for a spot in the national team.

Other things might have happened, but I'm not aware considering I didn't have a particular interest in cricket at the time. And since opinion differs so much on this subject I refrain from arguing on it too much. It's plausible that South African and English supporters will disagree most of the time. :)

Sanya - England Cricket Blog - said...

Yeah, Kapes was more of an off-spinner but I did read that Smith was given his place due to racial slur. Anyways....

You a South African - Indian fan?

sunny said...

There's lots of biased and opiniated stuff out there, therefore I don't absorb quickly all what's said.

No, I'm not Indian. Many people seem to think so but that's why I've put on that About page. :)

Sanya - England Cricket Blog ( said...

Oh, I'm sorry. Your name suggests that. I just opened your about page in a new tab before seeing this comment lol. But I actually meant to ask whether you support Indian and South African cricket teams. I'm in India but as you know, I write 'bout English cricket.

Sanya - England Cricket Blog ( said...

OMG you're a girl too! lol

Btw there can be competition between an off-spinner and a batsman. Teams have the choice of playing 4/5 bowlers and Pakistan plays 3 bowlers because they have really good all-rounders - Razzaq, Afridi etc. Actually I'm not sure if Afridi should still be counted as a batsman lol.

This is my first brush up with a female cricket blogger! Cheers!

sunny said...

No problem. I don't support the Indians neither do I support the Poms. Does that make me a criminal in your books? :P

Dear, you also thought I was a bloke. Well if you go through the cricket blogosphere you'll see there are plenty of other female cricket bloggers out there. Not a bad thing really.

Sanya - England Cricket Blog ( said...

Good thing actually!

lol na it doesn't make you a criminal in my books! I sort have a thing against Indian cricket fans, but no, not against South African fans.