How to Escape the Ashes- Ricky Presents

Ricky finds himself in an unsurmountable dilemma.
He's about to become the most targeted Aussie captain on earth after Australia lose the Ashes (doesn't seem to be a probability any longer) so he had to devise several legal ways of not playing the Ashes anymore. That, or Walt Disney is going to offer him a role in the next Narnia film. (I'm really helping him out only, he's worried about jobs once he's fired.)

There are four ways, some he's used up, but there are a few chances still left.

Break your finger Highly self-sacrificing, but extremely effective. Unfortunately, Ricky went all crackpotty of a sudden and decided that maybe if he played with a broken finger he could become a hero like Boofus Biff. Didn't work.

Be A Good Boy and Pray to Santa Ricky thought it'd work. Christmas time was a time of miracles and happiness, so instead of vitamins and Valvoline, he requested Santa a win for the Boxing Day Test. But poor Ricky had forgotten he hadn't been a good boy at all this year...

Assault the Umpire and Get Banned Ingenious tactic employed by Ricky today, but he didn't know the bastard Match Referee would spoil it all. He was the naughty boy, he heard Figjam's nick through supersonic ears, and Aleem Dar was the criminal. So Ricky foulmouthed him a bit, showed top-class grumpiness, and yet was only fined. ONLY FINED cried Ricky. Not even one ban. Hopeless.

Run Away The most ancient yet useful method- if the bad is coming your way, you run away from it. Zulqy Haider knows it damn well.

"Couldn't you have pretended to be more offended? Idiotic cool cucumber."