Cricket < Fairytales. Right Now.

This might be kind of a nothing post, but that's probably because I'm feeling bored like now. In regard to cricket.

It's so serious that I've turned to googling Tim Burton films and feel like watching that rainbow sizzling Alice in Donderland or something again. It feels creepy to feel slightly demented and there actually is some cricket going on and the World Cup is approaching.....yet.

Yet I feel like watching Alice in Underland.

I think I can partly blame it on the most brilliant devour-cricket-until-you-vomit-it tactic of the year; 15 tests between Australia and England in two years. Snotty faced nitwits.

World Cup predictions are also absolutely nothing for me. I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'm a Nostradamus Nutjob.
I think I've got something to say about the format, but that's something serious and I'm revolting against writing serious cricket right now.

So maybe it's just better to do nothing right now and watch some nitwits in Alice of Wonderland.

But here's a picture of the Cheshire Cat who I happen to love.
Just like that.

Hello, I'm a cuddly clever nitwit.

Save Afridi

The PCB, being the incumbent plonkers that they are, have set one unlikely campaign of saving Captain Crackpot going. It sits like this. The PCB basically got overwhelmed by the 7 in a row fifties of the man who's never learned to play a paddlescoop his entire life and are contemplating whether this Test skippie might do better than Afridi in the World Cup.



I'm quite interested in knowing where PCB storehouse of lunacy is located. For fun I'd squander it among the less privileged, wise people on earth.


But what was I saying, the PCB are massive idiots for what they're doing, even though them being so idiotic in gigantic proportions is not a novelty so I need to tell myself to get used to it. But I think I can't because Afridi has been groomed for ODI captain since more than a year, has actually done well, and above all, actually tried to take his batting a bit more seriously. Despite him being psychotic, he remains the best ODI captain option.


Misbah-ul-Haq isn't even a permanent ODI fixture, and added to this he's just captained for a morsel of Tests, so even thinking about it is bollocks.


I was overwhelmed to know our favourite Potato captain Inzi had something to say about this and it bloody does make good sense. Though I have to say these Stani players have a thing for fights and squabbles; drilling away like mad at the small fissure only the delay of naming a captain has caused.


HAHA, THEY'RE PELTING TOMATOES AT EACH OTHER, LET'S GET OUT THE BLOODY BAZOOKAS.


It's time the PCB got their crap right.


This post was supposed to be published 3 days ago, but it wasn't to be because of some bloody annoying internet complications which have not finished as yet.

Yusuf Pathan is linked to Beastiness

With South Africa winning there comes the natural inclination of turning all beasty and talking about the six pack abs of the muscled giant our team is. Don't laugh. They will smash your nose if you will.

But then I thought of what happens when you're beasty.

I think my mamma told me once a beast then comes to fetch you.

Something like Yusuf Pathan.

Who is actually a comparatively nice monster.

And looks like this.

They'll have him replicas of him in the market soon; furry beasts to be cuddled to death. Something which I'd gladly done if he had entirely butchered and conquered my poor Saffer boys today, and he nearly had.

Beast.

Our Mission Men for the CWC

Right, time we talked about this South African WC squad.

It isn't one of the sort which would send me screaming to Andrew Hudson's house with a bazooka in my hand, because there is some sanity in the selection. That, and I'm not really fond of killing people.

Mark Boucher isn't in it. Jakes didn't throw a tantrum this time, but in sad fairytale words, one of the three dreams of these two besties, to win a World Cup, is gone now. I feel for you Bouch, I know how it is when the villain sniggers at the end of the story.

The villain in question, Andrew Hudson, had brains enough to choose an extra wickie in the form of Van Wyk, just in case AB breaks his back.

The only uncapped player making it is Imran Tahir and seeing how much he's played in the series against India, he might remain uncapped. Excellent, and at his cost Robbie P might get a few games to play. South Africa are ready to this just because it portrays a kind of maverick genius when you leave your dream spinner with real talent for a bloke who can only bowl lollipops and shows his face in a cricket field once a year.

"Hello, I'm here to torture you all again."

And then they say Robbie P is there on 'merit'.

Seems like they also got really enough of Albie and although he's been crap since a while, I do feel for him. They have been treating him like a dead germ in the bathroom since a while now.

What really amazes me is that this is what 4 years of development to the next CWC has led to. An uncapped player, two domestic players who have played under 10 matches, and Miller who they persisted with, has been dropped. With some of this madness, we might actually win a World Cup.

But South Africa does look in a shaky shape.

And I don't know whether one needs to be happy or sad about that.

The entire squad:
Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, AB de Villiers (wk), JP Duminy, Faf du Plessis, Colin Ingram, Jacques Kallis, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Robin Peterson, Dale Steyn, Imran Tahir, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Morne van Wyk (wk)

Why I Wouldn't Touch the WC Trophy

Because a whole army of germs is living on it. And when it comes to germs, I'm as paranoid as Howard Hughes.

SA Can Do With a Few Beatings

It's not that I enjoy beatings, it's just that a few occasional drubbings can be very good. Especially when it's scarily close to a World Cup.

Yesterday I luckily didn't turn into a spewing rageball because my brain considered it more worthwhile to consider what half-baked business South Africa actually did out there and what they could learn from it (and drubbings are for learning.)

First, it's better to admit that Yusuf Pathan was one effin ferocious King Kong out there who chucked South Africa into chaos. Cool dude and I'm glad he overshadowed his brother who I don't happen to like. Yeah, in the words of a smug Yusuf, get lost Irfan. It's my ass-kick time.

But now to our problems.

The squad combination was okay, finally Faf Du Plessis got a game and now he's even in the WC. Good guy and he's got a palindrome as a name. But when Smith will feel like fulfilling his damn dream of seeing a talented spinner like Imran Tahir play is apparently still open to speculation and might not be till the WC. Reeks of stupidity, give the bloke at least one bloody game.

When we dropped catches and got scared of balls racing to the boundary was where the tumble started. India took stunners in the field and there we were, letting no less than 3 catches go down. Jonty Rhodes is ashamed of you.

Botes was expensive again and gradually I'm getting assured he is a vulnerable to-be slapped bowler in situations like yesterday's match. Sorry Botes, but since those villains said you couldn't bend your arm a few degrees more, you've not been so very effective. And I don't like it.

The PP wasn't very funny either, and I assume they didn't take notes from the first two games. It's amazing why you always have to wait till the end to take it.
Morne was a rare consolation of the game and he even messed it up towards the end. But I'll blame Twatthajan for being so very capable of hitting sixes at times for it. Bah.

The WC squad is out too, but word on that later. The selectors have been playing tiddlywinks with it.

Cartoon: Should You Love Shane Watson?

Shane Twatto Watson has put is all in an incredible dilemma by changing himself into a.... well, better player. He's always been a good player but no one ever sung lullabies at night for Twatto, no one ever blew a kiss towards Twatto, no one had ever loved Twatto. So he did his best to change that. And now he asks you whether you will love him. The choice is yours.

Let's Kill the Chokers, People Say

The dear Protea boys always turn into overnight villains whenever they lose a close one. And there's no greater pleasure than seeing the many villainous shapes they take before their staunchest, die-hard supporters.

I collected a bunch for your pleasure:

"SMITH AT HIS PERSONAL BEST DOING WHAT HE DOES SO WELL PLAYING HIS ONE MAN GAME NO MATTER WHAT TAKING TOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG TO MAKE RUNS FIRE THE MORON HE ONLY HAS PERSONAL RECORDS NO TROPHYS FOR THE TEAM OR SA IDIOT." 

Didn't I say before Biff would me made a square-headed idiotic calf for whatever happened? Yes? Yes.

"The Proteas did it again; managed a loss when it was impossible to achieve that... how do I explain that to my chimpanzee?"

That's strange. I didn't know people keep chimps as pets, and even if they did that chimps ask explanations for everything.


"What kind of proteas are these?

Certainly not King proteas.
More like Blushing Bride proteas.
A pathetic performance from a bunch of over-hyped primadonnas."

Blushing Bride proteas, I like that. I'd give anything to see Biff in a bride's wedding gown.

It's odd, these comments make it feel as if these fellows only start watching cricket as soon as our Proteas start losing. Because then they can be bashed, criticized and after having been cut into pieces, fed to little tiddlefish. Don't even mind them winning more games than losing, really don't...

A Rare Thing

I see the Aussies won a game against the Poms. That's very good.

I also noticed a certain Aaron Finch playing well for Australia yesterday. It's a shame, I always had thought Aaron Finch was someone who played for the Kiwis, but I guess the other Aaron must have been one of the numerous name-sharers in cricket around.

Coming to the bigger shame and other name-sharer, Shane Twatto took two bloody wickets and is slowly stamping his improving reputation as a T20 bowler all in our faces. Brett Lee, on the other hand, is vastly improving in convincing the selectors it's time he didn't play anymore. It's also time he got it in his head to retire with grace.

And Cameron White, he doesn't know what he's at. Ever since Punter lost the Ashes a couple of weeks ago, the Aussie captains are doomed. Forever. That's why Pup lost the fifth game and White can't play T20 anymore.

Yousuf Kicked Out

The wording might seem a bit harsh, but that's how I'd feel if I were MoYo.
For goodness' sake, the Stanis are so out of their bloody minds to not play their bearded uncle, and I'm serious about this.

You even won't want to consider why they're doing this. "Oh yes, because he was the epitome of ODI batting crappiness this year, averaging only a teeny-weeny 17 something, you say. I don't take that. Out of all the Stani batsmen, only three appear in the top scorer list of Cricinfo and none of them average above 35.

And if you want to forgive Uncle MoYo and fight his case, just like me, I'll go ahead and say 9 of his 10 games were played on either Australian or English pitches, and as everyone knows, that's where batting averages go all awry. In addition to this, it was like getting your butt cooked in Baba Yaga's cauldron for Pakistan in Australia, and with MoYo the captain there, nothing helped him much. 2009 was pretty piss poor for him too, but the years before he was awesome and there's no reason why he could not return to his season of awesomeness very soon. Just look at what Mussey did.

Apparently, he won't even play in the WC now. That's just an atrocity because Uncle MoYo is like a mentor, a calmness providing winged guardian, so having him out of the way is probably what a few Stanis like.  It's punch party for them when MoYo is away.

Among other squad news, Misbah returns to eliminate Pakistan from the WC with his scoops and Kamran Akmal is back to spread some mischief.
It's time all you Stani fans out there started praying.

MoYo is going to slay all you scoundrels who oppose him

Tsotsobe is a Chocolate Hero

Yesterday showed there are no ODI monsters in Durbs for the Saffers, so that's one thing I can be relieved about. Not that I believe in any monster save Twatto.

The Indians were like wobbly playdough on the field but didn't get much help from losing the toss either. Dhoni really sticks to the basics and winning tosses is certainly something he doesn't want to make a habit.

But now we come to Tsobie winning the Mommy for his 4 wickets.
As all of you are well aware of, Tsobie is a chocolate hero. He's quite unlike the chocolate Santa Clausses I got as a kid because those were only fit to be devoured, head first. Tsobie takes wickets, gets nice bounce and is in pursuit of making SRT his bunny. And anyone who is capable of making SRT his rather cuddly bunny, should be given a trip to Jupiter for free. (I mean it in the good sense. Planets are without pollution and thus awesome to visit).

CSA has been toying with the positions and heads of several bowlers lately, namely Rusty, Parny, Tsobie and McLaren. It's demented they've left Rusty out considering what he's capable of as a death bowler but then they might've become secretly aware of Rusty's plans to take over the world. Monsters.

At least both Parny and Tsobie are being given chances, but it's really one of the two who can make it to the WC squad and chocolate hero looks better for that spot. And not because he's Makhaya Ntini's so-called successor. Because he's a friggin good bowler and he deserves to be there.

And because I love chocolate.

Shahrukh Khan takes over South Africa

In what marked an important event yesterday, King Khan descended with his Bollywood troops in the Moses Mabhida Stadium, Durban to mark the entrance of Indians in the country since 150 years. It's important, we wouldn't have Hashim Amla playing for South Africa otherwise.

The whole concert and party thing was remarkably and confusingly big, so unless you have an incessant desire to cheer yourself up by some bash and noise, it doesn't make sense. Either this, or there's something fishy going on.

To lengthen the plot, I'll go with the latter.

Right, there is something fishy going on, and apparently it's to do with Evil Shah 'Rookh' Khan trying to take over South Africa.
Before your little King Khan fan guts start seething, allow me to present the proof.

First of all, Evil Shah Rookh Khan has bought our national hero Woogie Haircules for his KKR team and will automatically swing countless Saffers in his support that way.

Then, all was confirmed in the Bollywood concert we had yesterday after the Durbs game.

He started with an enthralling speech on the love between these two countries till it made the spectators' hearts bloom with euphoria and sentiment.



Then he encouraginly called JP by his side and learned him a few sledges in Hindi, to assault Sreesanth with.

 

Rusty slowly started losing his mind...



But the worst was yet to come. Poor naive Saffer cricketers were made to wear shiny belts and dance. Evil Shah Rookh Khan took great care to not wear one himself. Just look at the spectacle they made.

The villain was quite successful in the scheme considering the indoctrinated Saffers tweeted praises as soon as they could.

There's some other awful news too. AB learned from Shah Rookh Khan to sing in Hindi, and he sang Yeh Dosti. Friendship lyrics that are, how very very cunning.

Clearly SRK mistook AB's eyes for his ears.

Considering King Khan was able to cope with AB singing, we might be in for more atrocity. Don't choke yourself on popcorn when you see our popstar singing in one of the Khan's movies. He's AB and they'll just let him do about anything.

And before I forget, even our legend Ntini wasn't spared from the Khan's clutches.

That's a political handshake where one clearly means business. Run, Mackie, run.

Draws can Suck and an Overview

Draws are like malaria on a holiday. Not always, but in this series which was the most momentous one of the Saffer season, it certainly was. This was the series I've been waiting for ever since the schedule was announced and this was the series where South Africa were supposed to chase away India from the number one spot. Statistically, or just in the way of acquiring that aura where you can walk around like untouchable overlords. Didn't happen then.

After this drawn match, it seems like both Indian and Saffer fans are massively pissed off. Because both India and South Africa have been gigantic bums by not playing bravely and going for a win instead. Admirable bravado like putting one's life at stake to save the empire would have been awesome. Really? I'm not sure. Neither wanted to lose, neither wanted to win, and they ended up drawing.

Barring the shame that the last day of the last test was, the series was actually very nice. And all nice things need to be looked at again.

Cricket doesn't want a Champ

I think cricket and I mutually have come to the point where we think a best team isn't required. Three series between India and SA since 2008, all drawn. Today I've proudly become a supporter of the Union to Preserve Cricket From a Waugh Aussie Team Forever. Join it brethren, for cricket's sake.

Jacques Kallis is not Stupid

Did I ever say he was stupid? No, because that'd be blasphemy for a Saffa cricket fan, but I won't make a secret of this that I find him a bit boring to watch and I've never been his greatest fan. But after this series, I tell you this: JACQUESKALLISISONEEPICBATTINGSAMURAI.
Yes people, and he is destined to usurp and overthrow SRT in batting greatness. Don't blame me for thinking so, Jakes convinced me he will.

Dale Steyn can Bowl

I bet you Ijaz Butt's insanity on it, he can. And he does it so well it's better than watching fighter jets do their airborne ballerina show on a national day.

There's something about Sreesanth

And it's more than him being the dancing, muttering crackpot he is. He managed to piss off someone like Boofus Biff, and above that he bowled well bar the first Test.

Other little overviews are:
* Ishant Sharma's hair. How he sees with it is a mystery.
* Twatthajan got 7 wickets in an innings.
* The Saffers and Indians tried a miserable form of sledging which was nearly as bad as the commentators we had this series. Shutting up- not that difficult.
* Virender Sehwag didn't have a good series at all. He's Dale Steyn's fat bunny rabbit.
* Boofus Biff didn't get anything more than a few 'confident starts' and he still is Zaheer Khan's even fatter bunny rabbit.
* Tsotsobe is an okay pacer but Harro needs to go for a spin rehab.
* Another drawn series means another wait for the next. Dammit.

The South African players wave you a hearty goodbye.

There's Much Wrong with Pakistan's WC Squad

More than much.

For one reason, it requires you to figure out who ten of the blokes listed actually are. And after you've done that, try to remember who they are. The complication of this job mounts when you discover more than half of these newbies share half of their name with another Pakistani cricketer.

Inappropriately, it results in brain disorders.

"Hey, there's a new Stani bowler there, what's he called?"
"Asad Ali".
"And that guy?"
"Asad Shafiq".
"And the other one?"
"Azhar Ali."
"Oh. I see Tanvir is playing again."
"He isn't, that's Tanveer."

I award you a photographic memory certificate if you can remember all of them.

More is wrong though when you look at those making it and those not.

Rana Naveed ul Hassan.

Hello? Fellow with a hair transplant- check. Useless bowler on most occasions- check.
Being the big geniuses that the PCB are, they learned from Jakes Kallis that new hair does wonders so decided to give Rana Chacha another chance. Rana Chacha=Haircules, never in my life.

Check out that bouncy Head and Shoulders-nourished hair. Definitely makes him a champ, the PCB says

They've also included Kamran Akmal, notorious Pakistan wicky who occasionally turns blind and has a thing for dropping catches. I heard him saying "he feels honoured to be selected and present Pakistan and will do his best." His best in bringing Pakistan near to the bottom of the barrel, he means.

Then there's also Shoaib Malik not making the cut, but I can't be bothered by this headline boy anymore. Seriously, anyone who is labelled a hatemonger and blamed for gossip can't be considered much of a character. Pakistan might be better off without him even though he's often been more than a handy allrounder. To think he was skipper a while ago.

Chief selector Mohsin Khan tries his best to preserve tender Pakistani fan hearts by saying  "We are satisfied that we have selected the best squad from amongst the available players."
Tough job that was, so very tough. After all there were so few players available considering they either get suspended or feel like fleeing. Ijaz Butt says they can give their conscience a break now.

Dale Steyn Wants to Eat Somebody

More precisely, whenever Dale Steyn takes a wicket, he feels like charging at an invisible somebody, pummel the somebody's head into the ribcage, rip ferociously away at the limbs and then devour everything raw.
In the meanwhile, the rest of the Saffers always seem to be about the painstaking job of trying to contain him.

I like it. It's what fast bowlers should be like I suppose, carnivorous King Kongs ready to torment uneasy batsmen.
Not that this is all though. Dale can make cricket balls dance pirouettes through his swing and now even boasts a tattoo on his left arm for hardihood. Bet he got that from Mitch Johnson.

The importance of a celebration where one goes berserk is also conveyed by looking at how the rest of the Saffers do it. None of them are as good as Dale Steyn because they don't know how an epic screamlord celebration works.

Morne simply goes like "Ho-hum, I just took a wicket and this feels good."

Tsotsobe's thing is just appalling. He makes the rest around him sing cheesy lyrics of praise.

CT Test 1st Day: Biff and Zak are BFFs

Nice score on the board by the end of the day, 234/4 looks reasonable, and again we have much to thank the man with the mop for it.

But wait, before we proceed there's something which needs to be addressed. Boofus Biff got out on 6 lbwued by Zaheer Khan. AGAIN. It's as if Biff has decided it's an inevitable process doomed to be repeated till eternity.

It's understandable that some bowlers have their bunnies, but Smith under no cirmumstances looks like one, hence it's ridiculous to call him one. Bunnies might get offended also.

Therefore, I think it'd better to say Biff and Zak are BFFs, oh entirely, they're always after each other. Surprisingly, Biff is often the more generous friend. He doesn't even try to play Zak well, saying before the series he doesn't make a special plan for facing him.
That's something only the genius of Biff can decide- when being crap at something you just continue with it until you've reached bottom level. And then you can't get any worse.

Among other big news, MSD finally, finally won a toss before preparing to enter another toss drought. At least he's making improvements compared to Biff.

Sree also took two wickets today. When Sree takes wickets, I feel it's time he got devoured to piranhas, particularly when he only has to take them against South Africa.