It's Australia vs India. It's Epic.

It's those times of the year again when India will be playing Australia. Or Australia playing India.
Cricinfo tells you to 'whet your appetite' for this fantastic contest because this is going to more epic than Mickey Mouse killing Goliath. How many double tons will Tendulkar score? How many more times will Bhajji get Punter's wicket? Will Roy appear from beneath the pitch with his super human abducting machine and take his best friend to the Planet of Apes? Will we see Matthew Hayden in the commentary box?

Don't get too ahead of yourselves. Bhajji might not even play which means half of these events can't happen. Bhajji is such an influencing obnoxious weed that we need him everywhere for the grand entertainment.
Secondly, Ricky has emphasized that he wants these series to be played in the 'right spirit of cricket'.

"You've got to expect that it's going to be a fierce contest because you've got two very good teams playing international sport. But both teams will understand that they can't overstep the line. There's enough negativity around the world at the moment about international cricket that we have to do the best we can in this series to ensure that people want to watch the game again. There's no doubt that things have been tarnished a bit the last few weeks."

So that's Ricky for you saying he will have nothing to do with any monkey business. Cricket's life is at stake here so understand how crucial everything is.

"What? Me sledging? I don't even spit in my hands anymore, I've got a contract with the Pope you know."

I wonder how the Indians are going to deal with this. They might be getting a ton of inspiration and ideas from the Chennai Super Kings who won two trophies in one year. Be ready to see replications like these:

Playing like total SUPER kings.

The Kings butchered the Warriors

There was nothing good about yesterday's match. Nothing.

The first problem was with the Warriors name. When you're having a name like this, a name which is reminiscent of oodles of valiant gladiators, hard-nosed Spartans and other brave badasses (you do think this way if you study history), then what do you mean when collapsing like three sumo wrestlers on a pile of lego blocks. And the lego blocks transform into little hopeless midgets.
If you call yourself Warriors, then BLOODY PLAY LIKE SOME.

Then there was that utterly nonsensical shot by Davey Jacobs. Sometimes I wish players could hear some of the rare and important information commentators provide among their monotonous stating of the obvious: Spinners are going to be crucial. But no, thinks Davey, lemme play Figjam's reverse sweep and hit the ball for a BIG six. And then Ashwin gets him LBW and then the wicket parade starts. No glory for Ingram either and so they finish on 124. Another boring score for a final.

Another Warrior with no guts.

If the South African selectors had waited a while with announcing the teams, Jacobs and Ingram might have hit centuries. It's because both would have wanted that coveted post in the national team and killed each other to get that. Not literally, just through the centuries.

Now we come to the MB man; Boucher. Super crisis-enhancer. I keep reiterating of how and why I still want him in the ODI team but every time again he stomps with a dirty sneaker on those thoughts through his miserable batting. Mark, you had a chance to shine in what was probably your first final and YOU MESSED IT UP. Now you might have to cry for a while longer in Hersh's arms.

And through all of this I didn't even mention CSK. Yeah, congrats 'Super Kings', there's no doubt you've been the best of IPL teams so far and you must feel great having those two trophies. Even greater for India Cements.

The Saffas Who Are Going Back to School

It's over. The season of lacklustreness which saw potbelly development, unchecked music ambitions and hunting for savages in the wild is OVER. No more late night chicken pasta sessions for Kallis. In other words, the grueling three-month holiday of the Saffers is up. Finally, finally.

The squad for the series against Zimbabwe and Pakistan has been announced and it's time to put all those vacation-freaks under the scanner. All of them except Mark and Herschy who will be crying themselves to sleep together as they watch SA play.

The combined team for the Tests, ODIs and T20s against Pakistan and Zimbabwe:
Graeme Smith - Bulldozer framed captain who had better played well now considering he's soon going to be captain no more. The selectors can really drop you now Biff and then Botha will gloat. 

Hashim Amla - A bearded wonder who conquered the land of the Indians all alone this year. Apart from this a humble bloke who's got wrists that turn better than washing machine spinners.

Johan Botha - Unemotional dude who will rip off his mask in one match to reveal his RoboTech class A body and then blast down buggers who accuse him of chucking. It's cool to have such a guy as captain.

Mark Boucher - Jakes' best buddy and recently kicked out of the ODI and T20 squads because he's been busy figuring out where the handle of a bat is of late. But I still want him back.

AB de Villiers - Got an operation done at the ankle recently which might only have been to insert a bionic part which is to assist him in becoming the best batsman in the world. No. 1 in ODIs already and busy reading 'How to kick Ass in the UAE' these days.

JP Duminy - JP has been sending postcards to the selectors and Ashwell Prince the entire summer and is prepared to play his customary role of the Incredible Walking Wicket again. Prince is on a mission to strangle him in his favourite blanket.

Paul Harris - Weird chinaman and occasional spinner of the ball. Never got to play in ODIs so far but still is hopeful of playing in the 2011 World Cup. He's so optimistic, our Harro.

Jacques Kallis - Oversized allrounder who recently broke his neck in the CLT20 and will come back with one of gold so that the whole cricket world will stand mesmerized by its radiation and worship him instead of Tendulkar. And then he'd alone get sponsored by KFC and be allowed to gobble up all of Biff's apple pies.

Morne Morkel - Supposed to be the next Pollock and Donald. Bowls quite well but if he only could exchange all his no-balls with banknotes he'd be topping the Forbes list.

Wayne Parnell - Escaped prisoner by looks and otherwise occasional diski player. Can take plenty of wickets but usually at the cost of being clobbered all around simultaneously.

Parny is serious about his diski-ing but doesn't know Rusty is pointing towards his next victim.

Alviro Petersen - Gigantic Virus whichmgihtnowbe...aboout2eat ur scrieeeennnn..
That's his malevolent role, his more evil role is being SA batsman. Okay, that 100 in India was damn good so I've nothing against him.

Ashwell Prince - Lefty who's career was ruined by a broken thumb/Makhaya Ntini and then destroyed by JP. But he's STILL back and ambitious to hit a couple of tons.

Dale Steyn - Bloody fast fast bowler who needs to break a few bones of the opposition more regularly. He's too kind for his profession and even sacrificed his head for Bangalore yesterday. 

Lonwabo Tsotsobe - Bowler with undisplayed potential so far. Called Lopsy because you can't pronounce his name without tripping over your tongue.

Colin Ingram - Rookie and plunderer of runs in the MTN40, South Africa's 40-over domestic competition. Don't know much about him yet, but there's much hype surrounding him. You better live up to it boy.

Charl Langeveldt - An underrated and dedicated bloke who's nearly 80 but still manages to produce a stellar performance at times.

See how subtly they have shoved Boucher aside.

David Miller - He's the new guy who made his debut in the Windies and was overall impressive. But there's still plenty of room to be more impressive.

Albie Morkel - Was misused a long while by some top dimwits who only wanted to send him in at 7. Capable of hitting monstrous sixes and even more capable of being hit for them.

Robin Peterson - No idea what he's doing here.

Loots Bosman - He murdered some Poms in a T20 match a while ago but has been playing with plastic daggers ever since.

Heino Kuhn - Replacement keeper for AB in the T20s against Zimbabwe and should be played more often I think. Besides, he's got a name which makes me think of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

Rusty Theron - Member of the Protected Ginger Species. He smiles very creepily and origin is still unknown, so let me remind you it's better to STAY AWAY FROM THIS FREAK.

So on the overall rabblerouser Gibbs and Bulldog Roelof miss out. Which is no surprise really and Roelof might finally be able to pay a visit now to his alien friends on Jupiter.

Waterboy Yuvraj and his Mature Musings

Yuvraj Singh is no longer a snappy dynamite. He’s doing a makeover and becoming a team man, mentor of younger Indians and mature gentleman.
But he will still be waterboy and carrier of drinks if it pleases the selectors. For the Test series against Australia it has, because there’s a new bloke appearing and so Yuvraj’s been dropped. And he’s handling it like an overly-suave can-do guy.

And he’s reading these days. Something called "Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps".
Bloody hell. I need to send him with John Buchanan over to teach the Poms, they will be such a fantastic duo.

But coming to Cricinfo’s interview; there’s a whole lot of interesting stuff in it. At some stages you would even be surprised why Yuvi didn’t transform into an ogre and run away with the interviewer’s head or even try using one of his eyeballs for an aperitif. But that’s because waterboy is now a new Yuvraj and currently heading an Enlightenment programme.

According to Waterboy, never come to the "Oh shit, man, I can’t do this anymore" stage.
This is the stage where your skin grows wrinkly, brain starts to retard and you’re basically this wrung piece of cloth that can’t bowl or bat without breaking a rib or two.
So according to Yuvraj the solution is to arrive at the "Oh shit, I’m being total shit but I’m young enough to get over it" stage, which happens at your near-thirties.

When asked about the obnoxious nincompoops in the crowd, this is what he had to say:
"I wasn’t reacting to that at all. The crowd behaviour was very abusive, not to me but to other players, so all I said to the security chief, all I did was say, put in a complaint to the ICC - that the crowd was bad."


You have to do stuff the official way; no intermediaries just a straight objection sent to the bosses and job done. Not even a mention of the brouhaha about you being called waterboy. Excellent.

Then comes the next question where he’s asked about being involved in any finger pointing.

"This is all media speculation. They always make it up... okay, I mean, most times stuff is
made up. The same thing happened in West Indies when we went to eat after a match. There was no fault of the players. Cricketers are playing for India. You have a responsibility as ambassadors and we don’t do these things. Everybody has a temper, but I keep my temper in check."

He gets a bit incoherent here, such as talking of how responsible representatives such as his teammates don’t get involved in pub fights, but then only stressing how he controls his temper. As long as it doesn’t get lost, that is. So I’m still inclined to think something rowdy did happen in the West Indies and maybe Nehra was thrown out of the windows after all.

Then Yuvraj also mentions why he looks like a pissed off all the time
It’s because it’s part of the strategic thinking during a match.
Of course you have to laugh occasionally too, which is exactly what Waterboy tells you to do. He’s mature now and knows laughing is good for health.

"Laugh like a real can-do guy:  Me!"

Butt is the solution of Pak cricket's problems: cartoon

Ijaz Butt is very concerned about the state of Pakistan cricket. So are we.

But the solution is really simple you know.



JP still rocked when playing for Mumbai

To the dear, lovable selectors.


It’s me JP here.
Sooo whassup! Howz life goin’?
Oops, sorry for that, it’s because of Twitter you know. Oh no, I haven’t been busy with tweeting and stuff at all, I’ve got better things to do which I actually wanted you to remind of.


Did you guys watch the Mad Men series yesterday night? It was so much better than the CLT20 match between the Mumbai Indians and RCB. But you didn’t watch that right? Don’t worry if you didn’t, I can provide you all the details.


See, first and most important thing is, we won. But we still got kicked out of the tournament. I know you folks might be thinking my innings yesterday was horrible, but it really isn’t. See, I really love SA and country is my first priority. So while I was standing there, scratching around I was really only trying to get as much time at the crease as possible. Now know that Prince wouldn’t ever do such a thing. He would just try to slog around with his amateurish skills and then get out on a duck. And so would Miller. And that new guy called Kleinveldt something who you folks want to play. Truth is, none of the bastards can bat.


So yeah, coming to my innings again, it was all for a good cause. I wanted Jakes to desperately get a wicket so the bloke gets a confidence boost because I know how crucial he is to SA. So I actually sacrificed myself. Besides, you must have noticed how that shot nearly cleared the boundary, so I can still hit sixes if I really want to. And I would have hit a dozen of them hadn’t we been eliminated because I’m in the form of my life. I seriously am.

See the class oozing out of me, the next SRT.

And did I tell you Tendulkar is giving me batting classes? He’s telling me all these secret tips and stuff which Prince, Miller and the Veldt-guy don’t know and that makes me naturally better. If you look closely at me and Tendulkar you’ll see the likeness; we’re both short and I’m sure we belong to the same class of undeniably wonderful batsmen.


So watch me in action against Pak soon!


With lots of love and my blanket,


JP Duminy (the next SRT)


PS: I’m sending highlights of my 160 score against the Aussies to remind you how good I really can be. And try to spot the likeness with SRT please.

Gullers wraps Pakistan in brilliance

Pakistan won yesterday and it's quite brilliant you know. On the other hand it isn't too brilliant because I had decided not to post if they lost. 

Yesterday was all about Gullers and his amazing sixer. Oh, it was amazing. So amazing it killed all the amazingness in the Poms and made you remember how amazing Gul can actually be. He seriously can, even though he played like a horrible dabbler for a while. But now it's all over, all of you should forgive him, and watch replays of his fifer against NZ past year to wallow even more in his amazingness. Do it or he might turn to match-fixing if not appreciated.

"I'm so AMAZINGLY amazing."

Before you drown in Guls's amazingness and get it in your head to blame me for murdering you, let me remind you that there was a cluster of other amusing events too. One of them was of course our very own potty screwball Captain Shahid's dismissal.
It was one of those bedevilling dismissals where you think nothing has happened only to see the batsman heading to the pavilion after a while, and only after a bunch of replays you get the situation.

On a first impression it seems like another insane brainfreeze on Afridi's part. Maybe he was thinking, "Tralala, see how gracefully I jog to the other end; Cheetah shoes must be watching. Oops, there comes the ball, I'm nearly in but let's not rush things or it will disturb the whole effect of the jog." And then he was out.
But if you decipher the situation you will see how Captain Shahid with his super bionic left eye saw the ball approaching with incredible speed and with proficient athletic skill swung to the right to avoid getting his leg bone crushed. That's 10 out of 10 for skilfully planning ahead.

Other than this, Fawad Alam made a nice contribution and old-codger Razzaq displayed his late cameo abilities again. 241 still looked like a crappy score but thankfully the Pommie batsmen were even more crap and so the Stanis won.
And now all of us will have to watch the next game too because it won't be a deadrubber. You're only allowed to miss deadrubbers and a few T20 games of cricket.

Edit: And now I hear the ICC will investigate the match because of fixing rumours. Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Random Post

Okay, in case you didn't note, I've finally added the About page to the blog. It's quite lengthy I'm warning you but then I've never been particularly famous for my brevity.

I've also added the subscription widgets so if you're interested you can subscribe.

Oh, and you might see the desing occasionally changing here. I love change and I get easily bored by the same colours and design. It'd be right if you got bored easily too.

That's all.

Goodbye again Freddie

The hospitals and docs couldn’t stand it anymore. They said, "See Freddie, it’s not going to work. You’ve got the body of a porcelain china doll and your limbs dangle loosely on your frame like a Pinocchio puppet. Your nose could come of by sneezing and yet you want to play such a rigorous and macho game like cricket. We advise you to stop before we have to replace all your body joints with metal hinges. Give up cricket."

‘Give up cricket.’

The thought roamed in Freddie’s already unbalanced body like a creepy phantom, picking on his body parts. His right knee in particular.
It wasn’t easy. After all he was the sensational Pom in the 2005 Ashes, the one who made 402 runs and took 42 wickets and brought England a victory on a platter. And his million dollar contract with the Chennai Super Kings, the fifer at Lords...leave it all? He didn’t want to, but ...

‘Realism, Fred, Realism. Ah yes’, Freddie thought as his right knee hurt again. He realised he’d been shit for a long while now, his body even shittier at coping with the cricket, and also, he couldn’t stretch out his 2005 performance any more. People didn’t even care about his nice gesture to Lee.
So Freddie called a presser and retired.
Not many were surprised.

That isn’t a surprise either. I can’t recall when I saw him even playing a whole season without succumbing to some injury. There was of course that booze problem too for Fred, but since about the past 3 years it’s been all about his unstable frame. And England fussed and fretted over it. ‘Freddie’s hurt, Freddie’s down...but he’ll be back. Of course he will be, for the Ashes at least.’
But then naughty Freddie joined the IPL, did a clunker’s job for Chennai, and eventually got attacked by another nasty injury.

And now the time has come that the Pommies are doing a good job of it without the showman. Oh yes, a darn good job and Swanny says they don’t even miss him.
Maybe because he was an overrated talisman and maybe because we already knew since a year he won’t ever show up on a cricket field again, despite him being foolishly optimistic of hitting one-day cricket soon like a meteorite. But never mind, that nonsense might have come because of the Red Bull he was sipping.

You might want to read Andrew Miller’s piece on Cricinfo, because for once I agree.

So, goodbye then Freddie. You might have been an overvalued schizophrenic bigwig and a
bloody Pom, but one I liked better than most of the team and one I enjoyed watching play.

We might miss you.

Kind of.



Applause people, applause. The pantomime's showman is leaving.

Bhajji getting vicious

The match-fixing thing has enraged more than many, but Bhajji is filled with much vehemence in particular for bookies. So much actually that he is now issuing statements that brim with anger and tells you how the miscreants should be treated.


“I will slap any bookie who will come near me, big time.”


Slapping, as you all know is a specialty for Bhajji. And the cunning nuisance himself knows it; don’t you see the grimace in that phrase? ‘Haha, that really hurt you poor little Sree, didn’t it? Of course it did, you ran sobbing to Miss Preety, you little whinger. And now the whole world is scared of my slapping abilities thanks to your tears.’


That Bhajji has savage feelings for the bookies doesn’t concern me much, but apparently he is as violent towards his critics. Even more probably:


“I will cut off those fingers.”


I should lock my doors. What if Bhajji sees any of my criticism and gets it in his head to sneak in my house and cut my fingers? Will I still be able to write then?


I’d better make sure Mumbai keeps him involved by having him play for them. And give him some counselling too because Bhajji is getting dangerous. So dangerous we might need to hang posters around like these to warn unsuspecting people:



WARNING: Bhajji becomes Bluebeard!

A jolly good match

Yes it was, despite the very obnoxious fact that England won, Strauss the Ostrich made 126 runs and the English are now the no. 2 team in the world. I’m still figuring out how I have to swallow that latter bit of news: “England the no. 2 team in the world.” Gulps. That just doesn’t seem to be logical.


On to the match. The Stani openers did so well that it didn’t seem to be logical either, but it was the kind of absurdity I liked. And Kakmal is on a mission to save his career. The bastard. He knows we all want him kicked out so he’s now trying to become Pakistan’s best batsman. Alas he doesn’t know that him batting well is very suspicious behaviour too and we might speculate he’s into some dark fixing business. Watch out, Akmal.


This Shafiq guy is really impressive and MoYo is being his usual old good self again. Among the Stani batsmen potty screwball Captain Shahid is the only one who requires a spanking as his igniting fuel supply is plummeting since the past four games and I want him to play a real Boom Boom innings; not a small cracker game. Enough to set the town on fire. Not literally, of course.

See how scared Davies is at seeing MoYo baring his teeth. Get him MoYo, get him.

Other than that did you see Broady’s economy rate? It was ABOVE 8. I know he got 4 wickets too, but that doesn’t count here. He got hammered around for 13 boundaries and it was the first thing that conjured a malicious grimace on my face when seeing the scorecard. That was nice of you Broady, it really was.

You can't hide the tears Stuey.

Best thing about the match was that it was actually absorbing. I’m here to rub this in the face of all ODI haters. Yeah, take that, ODI is still jumping and frolicking around and people still love him. The other good thing was that the Stanis were competitive and we need them to be after that fiasco.


Oh, and don’t say the Stanis have earned any momentum now. They never do, and as I’ve said before they have been known to conjure it up when there was none, and also have been known to squander it when the momentum was falling out of their pockets. They love to keep you guessing.

And one question: Where the Hell is Kieswetter?

Operation Revenge KP

Dear Saffers,


Opportunity of vengeance has been thrown our way. All those years we waited for the crook who left Safferland to show up again (and alone, without the Queen’s guards), and now he will. Yes, repeat that: all alone. Slowly lick your lips at this enticement and unleash the Hannibal in you. Figjam is coming back.


You didn’t expect it, did you? And since I’ve told you the big news (shut up, news sites don’t count), I am going to tell you how we will carry out our ‘Big Operation Revenge Kp’. Oh yes, it should be a gigantic, big, and fearsome one.


First, you need to reach the heights of abhorrence for Figjam. That you do by recollecting all what’s there to hate about him; like him leaving SA, blaming the quotas, trying to become a Pom and eventually ending up with an inflated egohead so big he could drift down the Mississippi River with it. If it still doesn’t work, you can go and take some counselling in KP-hate from mspr1nt. I’m sure she’ll help you out.


Okay, then we come to the poster making. We’re all going to make big posters in which we cleverly welcome Kp so he thinks we’re glad to have him back, and that way he won’t run back. And then when we have him, we’ll attack. I’m putting my poster up here first so you can get an idea:

 After that we invite him over to a tea party (where we tell him we offer very very English tea), after which we hem him in and then....ATTACK! See, so very simple and uncomplicated.

If you have some unfinished business with our dear Figjam, you send us an email at Figjambashers_for_life@thesaffaspirit.com, tell us the details of why you want to take revenge, and you’ll get a ticket to the tea tavern. Last date for entries is 20 September, so make sure you don’t miss out on this life-time opportunity!

Disclaimer: We don’t take any responsibility for excessive violence. You will serve your verdict in jail yourself.

Sorry, no Bzzzs at the CLT20

Ha, that’s how it should be. No vuvuzelas for a cricket competition. Not at all. You can have it at the footy tournaments but cricket is just too royal, too serene, and too divine for such maddening bee mimickers.

A banned exasperating object.

Even CSA’s Majola has said “it isn’t the sound of cricket”. Bingo. It’s become the sound of football and I can’t have cricket parroting footy’s aural resource because that would look like cricket has no innovative buddies who can make something better than that noisy plastic junk. We need to come up with something that when it reverberates, the vuvuzela melts away in ignominy. I’m already thinking of Carl Orff's Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi.


Together with the vuvuzela, there are a whole lot of other things banned at the stadiums during the CLT20:

• Firearms, weapons, knives and imitation weapons.


That’s fairly logical, isn’t it? You are there to watch the cricket, not some gory assassination scene. Imitation weapons are still fun to scare the shit out of others though.


• Fireworks, explosives, flammable items (exceptions: cigarette lighters/matches)


If Modi was organising all this and heard they aren’t going to have fireworks, he would have blown himself up. I wonder how a Modi firework would look like though. It’d probably all explode in cash.


• Mace/ gas containers (exceptions: aerosol deodorant, medication or insect repellent)
• Glass bottles or containers (exceptions: soft drinks/water in plastic bottles/flasks, perfume, prescription medication, insect repellent bottles)


See how they listed insect repellents twice here in the exceptions? That means be prepared for a beeswarm attack or a horde of cockroaches to take you underground.


• Alcohol


Means poor JesseR won’t be able to show up. Neither will we have a drunk crackpot invading the ground and assailing a player.


• Illegal drugs or narcotics
• Cans (soft drinks and alcohol)


So only water? Which health department has poked its nose in here?


• Braai equipment


WHAT?! No braai?! You’re holding a tournament in South Africa and you won’t allow braai? Ban the CLT20 Saffers, ban it.


• Animals (except guide dogs)


I hope our friend from the 2009 IPL is a guide dog. Then he can invade a game of the Chennai Super Kings again.

Remember to lick the both the guy in red and yellow when you come fellow.

• Air horns/blow horns, Vuvuzelas


Yeah, we already heard that.


• Tripods for cameras
• Video cameras or camcorders


This sucks. Because the spectators didn’t buy telecast rights, that’s why?

So that sums up the rules for the CLT20 'extravaganza'. Do you still want to show up?

Veena Malik wants a Bravery Award

I told you this damsel wants to inflate her fame. So much actually that now she expects to get a bravery award in her lap :

"I seriously expected a bravery award after what I have done."

Said so Veena Malik who valiantly betrayed Mohammad Asif the Rogue part of the Sicilian Mafia and now expects to be kidnapped by him.


Herschelle Gibbs will be calling for a bravery award next for daring to drop something as precious as a World Cup.

Say Hello to South Africa

No not you, the CLT20 teams.
Frankly I’m going to watch this tournament with little attention because my teams didn’t made it, and also because if I’m to survive the IPL next year without getting a T20 hangover, I need to skip this.


I did have a wee look though at those arriving and there are a few surprises.
Like the Mumbai Indians who seem to have brought a grown up Bieber version with them who pouts like he’s smelled Bhajji’s socks after a game.

                                                            Hey, can you sing?

The Wayamba Elevens have brought a creepy guy with them who can give a malevolent stare. Clearly they seated him in some broken economy class chair while the rest snored away in business class beds.

                                  

 "They didn't even offer me anchovies for dinner, the bastards."

Then there's this poster about the CLT20 which looks fierily ludicrous. A kid might think it are all the bad guys of cricketers destined to Hell. And Gilly looks as though he wants to run out of the poster.

In my picture search, this unexpected one of Shane Watson popped up. It seems like it aren't good days to be an Aussie cricketer; your wife drags you to go shopping and then you have to carry all the load yourself too.

                                          Be careful Shane, you never know when there might be a bomb in those things.

Like a devoted Protea supporter and to add some relevance to the title, I have to end this with a picture of them. It is a bizarre training technique in which I am sure they put Jakes and Biff at the bottom.

Who wants to push?

What everyone's thinking about the match-fixing

Stop being happy, I’m back already.
And sadly nothing of the match-fixing business has disappeared; I thought staying away from all of it for a few days might exterminate the whole thing. It didn’t help just like closing your eyes when a mad bison comes charging at you doesn’t.


You have to admire though how everyone wants to become popular through this spot-fixing issue. Everyone’s thinking and talking about it, like these blokes:


 Haroon Lorgat- “All those curmudgeons and dunderheads are saying the ICC is responsible for this controversy. Which I know it is, but bloody won’t owe up. I’d better ban those three rabble rousers for life to show how competent we the ICC are.”


Figjam- “The selectors are ***** for dropping me but I still rock because I made the headlines despite that ridiculous scandal going on. And now I’m going to get more followers on Twitter than Biff the muppet.”


Nathan Hauritz- “I’ll die if it comes out that those fifers I got were fake. Oh..boohoo...now Ricky might not let me play the Ashes and Sid might even stop loving me.”


Pss; trust me she won’t Nate. Here’s a hanky.


Mohammad Aamer- “This is so bad. I didn’t know it would become all so bad. I thought the man was trying to raise charity for the flood victims."

But I still feel bad for him.


Kaithapram Damodaran Namboodiri- “My movie plan is in ditches because there’s no Pakistani bowler left who I could use in my movie. Wait, how would Rana Naved ul Hasan do?”

                                  "Me for the hero, please please pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasee!!!"



Mohammad Asif- “Damn, I always get in trouble. First the drugs, now this crap, why don’t I just join the Sicilian Mafia or the Russian Brotherhood. I’ll get richer that way and it’s better than playing dirty cricket.”

Veena Malik- “See how those other actresses are burning with jealousy now that I got myself in the news. And now I also can get more publicity by bringing up the story of that cheat pinching my money again. Ha, who laughs last laughs best Asif.”


Shane Watson- “I’m so shocked at all what happened. Just imagine if I had got involved in this business-Oh, every miniscule feature of my body would have cringed with utter disgust and my heart would have stopped beating by the unspeakable shame of it. I feel like crying.”


Stuart Broad- “This is TOTALLYDAMNEDBULLSHIT which has besmirched my amazing century. I need my Daddy.RIGHT.NOW!!!!”


That was Broad exploding by the way.

Andrew Strauss- “This is too bad for our Ashes preparation, and the Ashes we just can’t lose. Maybe we should fix the games?”


News reporters- “We’re so glad we now have finally got an interesting news story which we can exaggerate a hundred times and show a hundred times to the viewers till it comes out of their ears.”


Sunny- “I bloody have got enough of it and feel like watching a game of cricket in Paradise without match fixing and lots of tea to drink.”