Sorry, no Bzzzs at the CLT20

Ha, that’s how it should be. No vuvuzelas for a cricket competition. Not at all. You can have it at the footy tournaments but cricket is just too royal, too serene, and too divine for such maddening bee mimickers.

A banned exasperating object.

Even CSA’s Majola has said “it isn’t the sound of cricket”. Bingo. It’s become the sound of football and I can’t have cricket parroting footy’s aural resource because that would look like cricket has no innovative buddies who can make something better than that noisy plastic junk. We need to come up with something that when it reverberates, the vuvuzela melts away in ignominy. I’m already thinking of Carl Orff's Fortuna Imperatrix Mundi.


Together with the vuvuzela, there are a whole lot of other things banned at the stadiums during the CLT20:

• Firearms, weapons, knives and imitation weapons.


That’s fairly logical, isn’t it? You are there to watch the cricket, not some gory assassination scene. Imitation weapons are still fun to scare the shit out of others though.


• Fireworks, explosives, flammable items (exceptions: cigarette lighters/matches)


If Modi was organising all this and heard they aren’t going to have fireworks, he would have blown himself up. I wonder how a Modi firework would look like though. It’d probably all explode in cash.


• Mace/ gas containers (exceptions: aerosol deodorant, medication or insect repellent)
• Glass bottles or containers (exceptions: soft drinks/water in plastic bottles/flasks, perfume, prescription medication, insect repellent bottles)


See how they listed insect repellents twice here in the exceptions? That means be prepared for a beeswarm attack or a horde of cockroaches to take you underground.


• Alcohol


Means poor JesseR won’t be able to show up. Neither will we have a drunk crackpot invading the ground and assailing a player.


• Illegal drugs or narcotics
• Cans (soft drinks and alcohol)


So only water? Which health department has poked its nose in here?


• Braai equipment


WHAT?! No braai?! You’re holding a tournament in South Africa and you won’t allow braai? Ban the CLT20 Saffers, ban it.


• Animals (except guide dogs)


I hope our friend from the 2009 IPL is a guide dog. Then he can invade a game of the Chennai Super Kings again.

Remember to lick the both the guy in red and yellow when you come fellow.

• Air horns/blow horns, Vuvuzelas


Yeah, we already heard that.


• Tripods for cameras
• Video cameras or camcorders


This sucks. Because the spectators didn’t buy telecast rights, that’s why?

So that sums up the rules for the CLT20 'extravaganza'. Do you still want to show up?