Friday, 9 July 2010

The Army goes rolling along

No, it ain't an American army, but it's a group of men who could have been Tommy or squaddy if cricket ever needed to be protected. Possibly from footie fanatics.

Shahid Afridi
Afridi was born with a pistol in his hand. He later got enlisted in the army but they eventually kicked him out because he started eating the ammunition. But a man called ‘Boom-boom’ and not allowed the pleasure of fiddling with a bazooka in his hands? Seems like downright insanity.

Paul Collingwood
That’s right, what are you going to do with a half-starved rag like Colly who will probably just fall flat on his face if he ever has to hold a rifle? But the Gingahead can endure. He can survive. He can stay without food for a month, and he’ll still not be dead. And if the whole unit is killed, starved to death, Colly will emerge, tatters of cloth on a stick, and tell the world his story of survival. Epic.

Dale Steyn
Julio is the perfect aim-man; he will make his bullets swing towards the enemy even if they are out of range. Plus, he will wrestle all the crocodiles in the swamp when his army mates have to pass through. It’s handy having such a guy around.

Afridi cries at the injustice of him being given a bat instead of a bazooka.

Ricky Ponting
Ricky was runner-boy first, but gradually became lieutenant because his division was so bloody good no one ever even lost a finger. And when he did, he thought pummeling enemies down wasn’t enough, so he first spat in his hands and after the foe was a bloody bag of bones he just spat again in the face, and walked triumphantly away. Currently he’s figuring out how to kill the coup plans with Pup at the bottom of it; they’re just so darn jealous of his

Shane Watson
Because you need someone to cry for you like a milksop at the collective funeral.

Daniel Vettori
Dan was just supposed to be the army doc, but then they started begging him to cook food as well, wash dirty garments, and dance a mambo on Friday evenings. Then they also asked him to make the attack plans and once when they took him to battle as well, it was all left to poor Dan as the foolish army fell in the rival trap and Dan had to carry them out, one by one. It’s so gut-wrenching of having this guy as your permanent factotum, that it is a matter which needs to be urgently reported to Amnesty International.

Chris Gayle
Chris and a rifle would look really cool together, but Chris only kills when he wants, and when he wants you can never now. On other days, he just hangs his hammock outside and waits till a soldier creeps up from behind and asks him what his last wish is. "Seriously, punk?" says Gayle and he lives to sleep another day.


Wes ~ PFCNFS ~ said...

Arghh! How can you praise the gingers and then pick Steyn over Rusty!! Also, Rusty is a *death bowler*, which qualifies him even more!! Select Rusty, Rusty Theron for Saffaland!!!!


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sunny said...

But they're not here to protect Saffaland Wes! And I don't know, but the look of Rusty scares me a bit. And can't have more than one gingahead! :D

Stani Army said...

If you eat bullets, the last stage of digestion is bound to be 'boom boom'. So that's where he got the name!

You know who Shane Watson is....he's the type who just sits crouched with his head down in the middle of the ensuing battle. Once the battle ends and both sides have killed each other off with bodies strewn everywhere, there is a silence as the smoke disappears. There in the middle is Watson, as he slowly raises his head weeping but still alive. He is that jammy. You have to be to have a career in cricket as an all-rounder when you can't in fact bat or bowl with any class at all.

sunny said...

That is so correctly explained, Stani :D
And you know what's the worst thing about all of this? They say he's the hero because he made it through..Ugh!
I totally agree he can't bowl but he still bats decently I think. Even though I hate to admit it.

Stani Army said...

Nooo Sunny! His batting is the jammy bit. The guy just swings at the ball, power play, so ball flies of the top for runs. Get a decent bowler on him and he will be exposed for the fraud he is! I assure you!

The only reason he had any sort of career as a batsmen is because they didn't trust Phil Hughes after he came in and made a few bad scores. He's a much better batsman than Shane the pain. Watson comes in, gets a few jammy scores and all of a sudden he's an all-rounder being compared to Flintoff (who wasn't much of a batsman himself mind).

sunny said...

I won't back away from saying he's overrated. I found it a shame when Hughes was dropped for Twatto, and I was glad whenever he missed out on his maiden century.
I'll still say he's a good batsman until I don't see him being exposed, but certainly not better than a lot of others who have never been lauded for their efforts the way he has been.
And Flintoff is also a bit overrated I think.

Shridhar Jaju said...

Good you didn't include Suleiman Benn in that list, Sunny! He would have been court martialed first up...

sunny said...

That's a good point Sridhar! But he certainly would have made it to a guerrilla army you know. I'm sure he can haul Punter up with one hand.

v ! n ! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gen said...

Hmm sorry my friend was logged in gmail I wrote from her profile :D

Yeah so... liked this article like anything, so cute :P

And Dan is already managing a foolish army,nah actually a useless confused and clueless army :P

So Dan can do this job best way lol!

sunny said...

But Dan should be pitied for doing such an arduous job. :D
And you're calling your own team useless and clueless? Now that's not spoken like an honest supporter :P