The Army goes rolling along

No, it ain't an American army, but it's a group of men who could have been Tommy or squaddy if cricket ever needed to be protected. Possibly from footie fanatics.

Shahid Afridi
Afridi was born with a pistol in his hand. He later got enlisted in the army but they eventually kicked him out because he started eating the ammunition. But a man called ‘Boom-boom’ and not allowed the pleasure of fiddling with a bazooka in his hands? Seems like downright insanity.

Paul Collingwood
That’s right, what are you going to do with a half-starved rag like Colly who will probably just fall flat on his face if he ever has to hold a rifle? But the Gingahead can endure. He can survive. He can stay without food for a month, and he’ll still not be dead. And if the whole unit is killed, starved to death, Colly will emerge, tatters of cloth on a stick, and tell the world his story of survival. Epic.

Dale Steyn
Julio is the perfect aim-man; he will make his bullets swing towards the enemy even if they are out of range. Plus, he will wrestle all the crocodiles in the swamp when his army mates have to pass through. It’s handy having such a guy around.

Afridi cries at the injustice of him being given a bat instead of a bazooka.

Ricky Ponting
Ricky was runner-boy first, but gradually became lieutenant because his division was so bloody good no one ever even lost a finger. And when he did, he thought pummeling enemies down wasn’t enough, so he first spat in his hands and after the foe was a bloody bag of bones he just spat again in the face, and walked triumphantly away. Currently he’s figuring out how to kill the coup plans with Pup at the bottom of it; they’re just so darn jealous of his command...er...captaincy.

Shane Watson
Because you need someone to cry for you like a milksop at the collective funeral.

Daniel Vettori
Dan was just supposed to be the army doc, but then they started begging him to cook food as well, wash dirty garments, and dance a mambo on Friday evenings. Then they also asked him to make the attack plans and once when they took him to battle as well, it was all left to poor Dan as the foolish army fell in the rival trap and Dan had to carry them out, one by one. It’s so gut-wrenching of having this guy as your permanent factotum, that it is a matter which needs to be urgently reported to Amnesty International.

Chris Gayle
Chris and a rifle would look really cool together, but Chris only kills when he wants, and when he wants you can never now. On other days, he just hangs his hammock outside and waits till a soldier creeps up from behind and asks him what his last wish is. "Seriously, punk?" says Gayle and he lives to sleep another day.