Tuesday, 31 August 2010

Temporary Goodbye to the Internet

I'm going off to some place and I might be without internet for several days which means no posting. It also means I'm going to miss all the current messy situation going on and will have to read tons of articles later on to catch up. So if there's any good bloke out there who could just gather the most important bits and then send them over to me, I'd be pleased.(there should be some volunteers now, because you become a good bloke if you do the job).

You might only miss this blog like a tootache, so in the meanwhile go around doing some useful stuff. I'm always at hand for free and good advice.

Have a good time.

Monday, 30 August 2010

7 reasons why match fixing sucks

Here’s why match fixing or spot fixing or whatever fixing sucks more than Jacques Kallis would at ballet dancing:

1- Cricket becomes pointless, unrealistic and predetermined just like seeing how the good guy in a movie gets brazen by three bullets through the heart and continues to knock the villains around with kung fu moves. You think you’ve watched a bloody awesome cliffhanger of a match before someone tells you the bookies had it all arranged that way. I feel like vomiting the match.

2- It tarnishes the reputation of the game I love, you love and so many do. It gets folks away from cricket. How the hell am I to win in my campaign of getting cricket to become more popular than football then?

3- A whole cargo of new investigations arrives to get started and now the questions come pouring: What have they found so far? When will we get answers? Are they going to dig up Bob Woolmer’s case up again? Goodness, as if there’s not already enough to worry about in life.

4- Match/spot-fixing is cheating and cheating sucks whether you do at school when trying to copy from the study nerd besides you or on a cricket pitch.

5- Dirty money dealing is already taking over the world, and match fixing is part of it. It’s spitting in the face of honest breadwinners.

6- Dozens of other suspicious matches have to come under scrutiny and you wonder whether it hadn’t been better to have listened to your mom when she warned you not to sneak out of bed at night to watch a game, since all those matches might have been fixed.

7- The world economy is already in the doldrums and match fixing just worsens the food crisis as vegetables are used for player persecution. The animal industry also suffers as even donkeys are not spared.

Conclusion: the fixing business sucks. 'Nuff said.

                                                  Yeah, thumbs down for it.

Fake IPL player reveals himself

Now the sucker has spoiled all the fun.

Heck, couldn’t he have fooled around folks a little longer? If I had so much traffic coming to my blog, I’d like to play an anonymous faker for a little while longer. No, no..not to tease...just for the fun. But on second thoughts maybe, yes...to pester people. It’s nice to keep everyone wrapped around your little finger.
Don’t frown. As long as the entertainment is provided it’s alright, okay?

In other news Koertzen has called McGrath a whinger. Rudi, the old man is retired leave him alone now, will you?
But about the issue of bowlers turning into nasty crybabies, I agree. I don’t like it either.

PS: I don’t have forgotten about the whole fixing-scandal, I just don’t want to ignore other cricket stuff because of it. And I think too much speculation is futile about the whole thing unless definite results are brought up.

Sunday, 29 August 2010

To hell with the cheating

I didn’t know I would be greeted with so much wretched news from the Pakistan camp after waking up. So yeah, they’ve sadly managed to get themselves again in another big mess. And it seems to be a really disastrous mess this time around with bad consequences.

When this kind of crap happens, you’re always tempted to have a reaction of disbelief. Like wait no, see there isn’t evidence enough yet...let the whole investigation come to a conclusion first....it might be all faked. It’s what I’ve very often done. I haven’t always been right, but at least it was the kind of benign self-delusion rather than deliberate ignorance that got me through supporting this Pakistan team.

I’m afraid the trick isn’t going to last long anymore. To be candid, my favourite team they never have actually been, I’ve always kept them second. And even then it never exactly was the Pakistani cricket team I supported, it was Pakistan. You don’t support players that don’t give a shit for their country and it’s integrity. At least I hope I don’t.

Media stories I normally don’t swallow easily, because everything is so often blown out of proportion and combined with poppycock. Being gullible and taking all they give isn’t advisable, which is why NOTW’s reports haven’t convinced me yet entirely. But that something bad has happened, I won’t deny. Trying imagine the whole situation in the best possible way is all what I can do.

What wretches me most is that the Pakistani fans don’t deserve this. If there’s one thing in that troubled country which still keeps people happily engaging together, then that’s cricket. But when cricketers every time again say ‘Piss off losers, we’ve got our pockets to fill’ , then well, this entity won’t last long. Or at least not retain it’s value.

There are a million things left I could say, but words just don’t encompass feelings the right way now. I’m numbed and it’s still sinking in. How this everything has brought the game into disrepute and Amir’s fate is what concerns me most, but I can’t write about it now. It’s because I’m feeling like shit and know one of cricket’s most interesting though controversial teams might be ending in a way many wouldn’t have wanted. I’m still hopeful that the worst doesn’t happen, but you can’t feel the same way when you know you’ve been cheated.

And I bloody feel like being cheated.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Comedians at it again

Folks, they’ve done it again. And since I’ve already said ‘dammit’ enough during this match, I will just try to appreciate the whole darn situation and take this Test to be a slap stick comedy of A grade quality. A kind of comedy that starts with slight suspense, triggers our thoughts in a wrong direction before the actors on stage reveal their real identity.

In Act One, young lass Aamir with the name crisis scares the Poms with some beautiful bowling that gets commentators swooning and Stanis prematurely sink in the delights of victory. Seems like such a nice fairytale.

In Act Two, you’ve got Prince Trotterman and his Fair Lady Broadianne entering and then not wanting to leave the stage. Aam-i or e-r and his buddies fail at mending the situation, and suddenly it’s all like a dark comedy where the creeps are winning and being valiant. Now the comedy sucks.

In Act Three, you turn hopefully to the second batch of the Stani force-batsmen. Now here’s the part where you go out for a bag of popcorn and try figuring out what’s the best way to have a dose in your seat. When you wake up, ‘God Save the Queen’ is blaring, signaling a Pommie triumph for the Act with the Stani batsmen fallen of the stage.
Then comes Act 5, I see two warriors falling and I run off remembering Mom has cooked apple pies today and also because the comedy becomes too boisterous that it is unrealistic and illogical and I can’t stand the bad guys winning. I pretend nothing has happened therefore.

“Sunny,” you ask me, “have you seen the latest Stani-Pom comedy? The one where the Stan”.....Dum dee dum..I’m not listening.

I’ve only got a hiccup graph to show:

Friday, 27 August 2010

They’re trying to translate the doosra

Into French. And I’m totally against it.

If you had a half decent knowledge of French, you wouldn’t ask me why. I can only see it being translated into something like ‘la deuxette’ or something. Now can you even pronounce that correctly? I can’t. And I don’t even want to be reminded of my French classes; speaking French is like trying to crack nuts with your mouth and the ‘r’ plays havoc with your throat. Also, how many French words don’t we have in the English language? Pirouette, tete-a-tete and stuff...so French folks, just try to speak it. It’s not English, it’s Urdu, but since it’s part of the Cricket language, you have to learn to. Sorry, no other way out.

Also, many words often lose their value in a context when translated. If you ever try to say ‘shit’ in Dutch, people will give you a disgusting look and point to the toilet. The doosra in another language would simply mean ‘the second one’. How boring. Doosra is actually such a cool word, not only because it’s part of the cricket language, but because it alludes to a creep trying to poke his nose in your affairs. The doosra is just wrapped in mystery and secrecy and you wouldn’t want to change that. It’s like being a word Nazi otherwise.

There are plenty of other savvy words in cricket’s lexicon too of course, but I don’t need to tell that. Just have a look at the countless cricket blog names around.

So I’m ending now and just have tried to be informative for once. Or so do I think, at least. And could someone tell me what the heck a ‘mullygrubber’ is?

And these word programs are total suckers. They’ve been underlining all the cricket words in red while writing this, thus having an apathy for the cricket language. Philistines.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Twits ban Twitter

It seems like the English are too scared of losing the Ashes.

There’s the hand of a smart bastard like Punter in it of course, who has made Swann, who recently stopped wetting his bed, doing it all over again from fear. Even the rest are sitting like bankrupts now worrying over the 5-0 prediction.

The English Cruel Beast decided to poke it’s unusually long nose again in matters and came up with the formidable idea of banning England’s social network activity during the playing season. Because you never know when a chatterbox leaks a secret.
That’s a brilliant thinking strategy from the ECB.
The smart chaps know all how many historic rulers have suffered from the Twittileak problem.
Such as Napoleon Bonaparte, who tweeted his commanders about the plan to delay the offensive, not knowing the Duke of Wellington had made an account a week before and cleverly read all the plans.
Bloody bloody smart from them.

I think it’s a tad too late though, because the Poms have revealed an awful lot of information already.
Figjam’s bio provides endless sledging opportunities, because he likes to think he’s a ‘proud English cricketer’. Rub that Pommie pride in the mud and you’ve got him.
Jimmy Anderson and Tim Bresnan are another couple of easy partridges.
Swann is even easier. He likes to think of himself as a food connoisseur so all you have to do during the Ashes is, show him a bag of quavers dipped in fanta on the field and then run off and hide it somewhere among the public. He won’t be returning for a day then.
Look at him worrying. He wanted to keep everything secret and now I've busted his plans.

Strangely, the Poms are acting as if the whole ban thing is just a stupid rumour:
Such as Swann says; ‘Rumours of my being banned from Twitter are exaggerated, as are reports that I have been signed by bjorn borg as the next “Borg lunchbox”’
And KP; ‘I’ve also heard the rumours about a ban on twitter, but nothing official.. So business as usual.. Have a good day!!’
The Poms love to be naive, don’t they?

Anyhow, I’m off to collect my cash now from CA for informing them about these top-secrets and then I’ll be made captain of Australia for winning them the Ashes. And Ricky and the Poms can go on crying.

AB tells us Broady sucks and Biff is a glutton

I just found this video of AB being asked about some 20 silly questions by Sports Illustrated.
I'm posting it here so I can fulfill my task of doing two posts today and it's already been a while since something about the Saffers has been up here.

I love the fact that AB finds Stuey Broad the most annoying player around. I've also disovered that Biff is the biggest gobbler in the team. Yes, even bigger than Jakes. The last questions just make me wonder why people are always interested in idiotic things.

Monday, 23 August 2010

India's Pre-World Cupisitis

The Indians are really getting themselves in a whole lot of unneeded mess, but that doesn’t mean you can laugh. Laughing at the handicapped or sick is a sin, so I’m advocating you not to make fun of the Indian team because they’re suffering from a very weird illness. One if you got, you’d probably chain yourself to the hospital bed and cry to be operated at even your toenails. So, don’t laugh.

It’s something called the pre-World Cupisitis Syndrome. No, you don’t get slimy warts and pimples on your face, neither does hair start growing in your mouth, but it’s terrible all the same.

Very, actually. It caused India to plunge twice to scores in the tri-series that you’d better want to hide away. It’s something that makes your legs shudder from excitement, blinds you after the bowler’s run up and glues your feet to the crease.
It also acts like some kind of laxative, so batsmen always quickly have to make it back to the pavilion. Otherwise...well I don’t need to tell you that, do I?

After taking control of the physical abilities of players in a cricket ground, it slowly creeps up to the brain and causes disorders. A few have already been affected.
Such as Dhoni, who now thinks being the number one ODI batsman will cause additional pressure. And Jadeja who’s having endless reveries of getting the ICC emerging Player of the Year Award. Even Yuvi has started to get nightmares of carrying water bottles over broken ice rinks.

And the scary thing is, it might get even worse. So worse, that I’ll secretly be glad because the Saffies can then easily defeat them in the upcoming series and smugly claim to be the best side in the world. Or better not. They always play like rubbish when they think they are the best.

And in case you’re wondering, pre-World Cupisitis isn’t contagious.

Pre-World Cupisitis: causing excitement till your head cracks

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Doing it the Stani way

The Stani boys won an unexpected one against the Pommies and that makes me glad.
They also did it the Stani way which makes me even happier.

Just look at the hiccup graph and smile


Pakistan doesn’t go out with a bully’s aura, grinding others to pulp in one go. They would have been the Aussies of the past if they did, and then I’d have to stop watching cricket. Because how ludicrous, insane, fickle, tommyrot, demented, galling, baffling, goofy and senseless they may get, they make cricket interesting and without them cricket would be a bore. No, it wouldn’t be, but I say so because I have to be hyperbolic here.

If Pakistan cricket were a king of the Middle Ages in a storybook, he would be poisoned one day, going to the gym the other, have his head chopped of the next and hacking traitors around a while after and becoming victorious. Of course he sometimes gets dumped into some grave, but it doesn’t matter. He’s always back the next day dancing a merry charleston in the top tower of his castle.
For these reasons, I wouldn’t ever want to close the storybook.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

The ICC is under someone's thumb

More than one thumb actually.

Anyhow, you still remember Mitch Johnson’s bamboozled face when he got the award last year? It was because of a clever ICC ploy to randomly pick out a candidate from a randomly picked candidate list. That way they return to the noble means of using ‘chance’ alone as a way of justice in the award-giving process, because debating whether player A was better than player B is totally useless. It involves bias and more statistics than there are formulas in the world. No one is crackpot enough to employ this method.

Actually, the ICC Awards are very often just a whole lot of crap. The whole crazy Swann-overlooked-and-then-included-because-of-raving-Clarke-theatre ascertains it.
Clive Lloyd and his selection panel were sitting in the office at 3 am without a cup of tea around and wondering who they should select. ‘Bloody hell!’ one of them exclaimed, ‘Let’s just go country-wise, put a finger on a name and select.’
‘Ingenious!’ The rest shouted, and went on with the job.
England was last on the list, and when their turn came the panel was too tired and left the job for tomorrow only to forget.
The list got published, and when the panel saw Swanny’s name in a newspaper headline the next day in regard to his cat story, they said ‘Ooops. We’ve forgot someone.’

The English Cruel Beast Giles Clarke was on them the next day, and Swann’s name was hurriedly included.
If initially not including him is rubbish (yes I said that Swann, now be grateful for a while), then blaming an ‘oversight’ and rapidly throwing him in the list later is even more pathetic. Why can’t you guys think in advance? Same lame reason that the Hotspot isn’t available for the World Cup.

There also must be some menace-factor about the ECB. Like Duke’s evil soul which they can set loose on the ICC. Probably the reason why their whines got accepted and Norman Arendse complaining of the injustice done to the Saffa candidates last year was taken with a deaf ear.

(And sorry folks for being irregular and rubbish with the posting of late, but I'm a bit busy with work, will try to get things sorted out soon. Also, don't you think I've got a habit of talking about things days after they've happened?)

Friday, 20 August 2010

For MoYo and Ali

I thought we’d be seeing another familiar batting flop from the Stani batsmen, but they managed to cross 300. Now after how long we’ve seen this happen?

Say what you like, but MoYo has got plenty to do with it. He gave a handy contribution and brings some serenity to this crazy hot-blooded team.

As for Ali, well lad, first give Asif a whack with the bat if you want for not staying on and letting you score a maiden ton. Secondly, well played.

As a reward for you two good boys, I’m putting here painted pictures.

                                                     Azhar Ali hitting one away

                                                          MoYo gracefully doing the job

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Smith quits as T20 Cap'n

People love retiring these days. It’s so in vogue, so fashionable and why not do it when people start loving you better then? Biff said “Hell yes!” and he quit captaincy in the T20s. He thought a bit about his poor team and decided in ODIs it would be after the World Cup. He would get kicked out in any case if the Proteas lose again.

People also love speculating a lot and wonder why Cap’n Biff retired. I’m going to pull together a list again ranging from the credible to the incredible:

* 7 years is a long time, and Biff got tired of the monotony of the job. Heck, give him a break and let him be batsman alone for a while.

* Biff too has fallen victim to fragilebodyphobia. He wants to play cricket for some 5 or 6 years more which is impossible without releasing the captaincy burden. He might become a Granny Smith prematurely otherwise.

* Biff knows how important it is for kids to grow up and learn, and after they have, throw them out to see how they take on the challenges of a cruel world. Hash, AB or Johan are ripe enough for this he thinks.

* After trolling SA sport sites, Biff knows people don’t love him anymore. Comments like these scared him off:

“Go to hell Smith! you stupid racist that did nothing for transformation. Pls ask your pals Boucher & Kallis to do Cricket S.A a favour & retire from all forms of the games! Bloody chokers!”
(stolen from http://www.sport24.co.za/ )

* Biff has run out of excuses and hiding places. After another (hopefully not) tournament defeat he’ll be in serious danger. And Polly just won’t tell in which hole he hid after the 2003 catastrophe.

* Biff competes in everything with Figjam (KP). He wants to show him how much better he is at quitting the captaincy job by doing it gracefully rather than getting sacked after a spat with your coach. (Oh between, Smith is also better at dealing with coaches. Remember how he got Mickey away?)

* Biff’s pie expenditure list has been released and as a captain would have been likely to get more flak for it.

Seems to be more than enough reason for Captain Biff to call it quits. Smart man.

Oh hang on, I just found another comment. Looks great:


Now here’s a guy who knows how to associate pies with Smith.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Swanny the Cat Saver

People make crazy accidents when they neglect traffic rules.
People ignore red lights when they urgently need to go the lavatory.
People play ghost riders when they’re getting late and know they’ll get a spit-laden lecture from pumpkin faced bosses.
People overspeed when they’ve drunken booze and come to know their cat is whining under some floorboard. Only to get screwdrivers.

"You wanna fight? I'll do anything to save my cat."

I had my doubts about Graeme Swann’s eccentricity, but now those have been confirmed.
Swanny is scared from his neighbours and so never asks for their screwdrivers.
Swanny has magnificent fingers and uses them to fix an odd little job at home.
Swanny loves his cat.

I think the police should realise this is more than enough reason to lock him up and then hand over the keys to me.

Sunday, 15 August 2010

Akmal and Broad chat on MSN

Okay, I know Cricinfo’s Page 2 has probably miffed you enough with their endless spy-cammer reports, but doing them is so irresistible that I’ll turn into an annoying bugger myself for the day, and bring you a stalked MSN live chat between Stuey and snr. Akmal.

Broady is sitting in his room, browsing cricket sites and reading all the nasty stuff people have got to say about his impudent behaviour. He writes the names carefully down and plans to get’em reported to his Dad. Suddenly Kamran Akmal comes online.

On Stuey’s screen:

K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.

Stuey thinks of appearing offline but then remembers something and reluctantly types:

Yeah hello...umm, what’s up?
K. Akmal : Hello! A varry bootiful moon is up.
Stuey : Oh..well. Why do you want to talk with me?
K. Akmal : Becoz I’m is varry happy. You makes me happy.
Stuey : Geez Akmal, can’t you share your euphoria with someone else?
K. Akmal : Wat is euphoria? Just like dairia? I not can share dat.
Stuey : OK, just leave it. Wait, are you talking about our deal? That I had to injure that new bloke Haider?
K. Akmal : Yes, yes, u are so rite. U make his pain bigger bad and now not play he in next Test. So I would be keeper now again and dat makes me varry happy.
Stuey : Yeah, it wasn’t too difficult, I aim so perfectly well. They cut my match fees for half, but you’re going to pay for that right? And you also promised you’d allow me to make a century when you keep next time by hitting all my edges to the boundary, remember?
K. Akmal : Yes, me knows. Not takes worry you. I do everything, Pakistan crikeet ka SOOPERMAN to mayn hi hun na.*

"Yah, itz me, Pak crikeet's Sooperman. Itz not Shahid Bhai"

Stuey : Sorry?!
K. Akmal : Aik to is uloo ko urdu samajh mayn nahi aati. Angraiz putar kahi ka.*
Stuey : What? Sorry Akmal, I seriously don’t get all of that stuff.
K. Akmal : Leaf it. And i hav to leaf too, small Akmal comes in, he cannot see wat chating we talked! Bi bi..
On Stuey’s screen : K. Akmal has sent you a wink. Play Kiss.

*Pakistani and Indian folks, I hope I got the Urdu/Hindi right. Since I might not have got it right, feel free to correct and be kind enough to provide a translation in the comments section for those who didn’t get anything of it.

Friday, 13 August 2010

Keep your hands off the ODIs

You have to feel sorry for the ODI. If you don’t, you’re part of all those over-concerned cricket pundits who think poor ODI is the blameworthy heavyweight on a sinking ship of cricket. Ridiculous.

They’re saying ODI cricket is boring. I don’t get it, I used to know cricket as the ODI and grew up watching this format. Unsurprisingly, I’m not going to be happy when they take this candy away from me.

They’re also saying that three formats can’t exist together. As if a piranha, a whale and a guppy are living together in one bowl. The thing is, they are not going to do away with Tests. Tests are too royal. Even though it’s pretty obvious interest in Tests is diminishing (yes it is, who’s still got the time to watch a full five days?). It doesn’t mean I don’t like Tests. I do, but prefer to catch the most of an ODI anyday.

Twenties won’t be going away either; they’re the adorable new born baby. Just see how these DLF bosses and Allan Stanfords of cricket will throw a tantrum if they do. But why take the ODI to the gallows for it? Are you really so sure everyone has got enough of them?

I think ODIs are nice because they’re in the middle. They aren’t as long as Tests and not as fast as Twenties, so they can give you a kind of pleasure from both. Additionally, what’s going to happen to the World Cups if the ODI is finished? World Cups are pinnacles of sporting events right, so why abolish the format in which they’ve always been played?

New innovations such as split-innings and stuff aren’t really cool either I think. The format isn’t the problem, the problem is when you play superstrong side A against whollyweak side B. Who likes seeing a mean truck chauffeur trampling over a group of little ducks? Also, for God’s sake do away with dead rubbers. They’re often good for nothing.

I don’t think the ICC will care much for what I think, but poor ODI will.
Don’t cry ODI, don’t cry. If they do kill you, remember that Sunny will come and scrape your sliced bits together and hold a funeral. All alone if it has to be.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Broad is unloved

There, I said it.
Now go Little Stuey, hide in a corner and weep until you drench in your own tears. You can also pull your blonde hairs out if you want. Just don’t put them on e-bay.

Most of us have had annoying pasty-faced buggers in our school of whom no one can even hurt a hair just because their dads run the biggest bubblegum factory in the country. It’s terrible, because they are usually the individuals which are the most coveted punchballs around. They can do all the naughty tricks they want because teachers will deliberately go to have a look out of the window when they do it. All punishment they ever get is some admonition like "Dear boy, don’t do that again. Now you want another sugar cookie?"

Such a lad is Stuey. No one likes to do anything against him because he’ll run off to tell his Daddy. He doesn’t need to do that actually because his Daddy will be there first. Now that his little brat has been fined 50 percent of his match fee, he can’t get over it.

Cricinfo has been very kind of putting a poll on its website and I’m loving what people have got to think. In response to the question whether the fine was sufficient as a punishment:

11% thought yes, it was blown out of proportion

80% said no, a ban was deserved to teach him a lesson (viva these guys)

9 % was not sure, thinking it wasn’t that bad, but he does attract trouble

Most people want him to be sent out of the classroom and I’m sure you are one of them. Go and without a second thought, vote for the second option and you’re a smart person.

Tuesday, 10 August 2010

Pak lost. *Yawn*

They may have done this deliberately.
I go out for a day, leaving the Stanis behind with England needing about a hundred runs more and Cook out.
I come back, and see the Pommies have won by nine wickets. Means they didn’t get out anyone else and gatecrashed all my reveries about Pakistan still possibly winning.

A few things about the match:

* We might not see K.Akmal for a while again because the Haider guy was pretty impressive. He actually accumulated more runs in one innings than Akmal could in-I don’t-know-how-many.

* We might not see Dan Kaneria for a while either, because through a nice half-century and good bowling, Ajmal has fixed himself to the spinner spot with Gorilla Glue and ten rolls of sticky tape. Might take plenty of time before he gets loose.

* Pakistan lost again and the rubbish batting can take most of the blame. So we might finally see MoYo playing in the next match. They’ll need him.

* Dad Broad is probably on a holiday to Fiji or on an expedition in the Arctic. That’s why Son Broad finally got caught being naughty and received some kind of punishment.

What, you’re saying I was going to ignore this match? Rubbish. I was only feigning a deliberate apathy to be honest, but come on, you knew that already, didn’t you?

Sunday, 8 August 2010

He’s JesseR. And he’s a Bad Boy.

In the profile of New Zealand’s unruly baddie and sworn troublemaker for life, JesseR has wreaked havoc in a hotel again. With complete hyperbolic exaggeration we’re telling you he probably smashed ten windows, hung the hotel registrant at a door and clubbed down a few of the police officers after getting inebriated by finishing four crates of beer bottles.

This news isn’t the bad one though. The bad one is that he’s got enough of this behaviour.

Now for many of the Blackaps it’s been a bit of a tough job getting the same high profile image as those from India and Australia get. But not for JesseR. He was the Kiwi who trumpeted his entry from beyond the boundary, blaring "HEY THERE! IT‘S ME JESSE-R AND WILL I BE A GOOD LAD? NEVAAAA!!!"

That’s how you do it. That’s how you make yourself popular in a time frame less than one-tenth that of Vettori and putting in an effort less than one-tenth of Vettori. Go JesseR- he was the man who brought the art of popularity-in-9-months to cricket and tarnished New Zealand’s reputation of gentleness.

But now what he’s got to say is this:

"Now I know that I have to keep my head down, keep training hard and force my way back in the side. This is pretty much a wakeup call for me. I just have to stay home now and try and stay away from all the off-field distractions so I don’t get in trouble out in public. I’m pretty desperate to stay on the right track and be a Black Cap [New Zealand player]."

"Now they've hidden away all the booze. Criminals."

JesseR, don’t you realise we won’t like you as a meek giant teddybear? That we want you to be a rebellious monster of a grizzly? Don’t believe everything what New Zealand Cricket tells you. Play like a superstar for one season and break hell the next; they can’t drop you that way.

Way to go, JesseR.

SA aren’t chokers

So says Steyn.
And I think he’s got a fair point.

Of course as a dinkum spectator who believes your eyes haven’t been watching lies you’ll shout they are. Yes, yes, bottling it in every tournament, reaching plenty of semis, always waltzing down in a crazy frenzy down the stairs at the end despite being the giant steamroller of the tournament; reminds you of chokers, right?

If I were a fair-weather supporter of this team, I’d be calling them the same (okay, I confess, I’ve had, but only at the moments when they were messing it up- I turned all good the next day). They can be an exasperating lot at times, but this choker word just doesn’t do it for me. I don’t spit out my annoyance that way. I’d rather give them a beating in real.

Okay, now what Steyn said is that this whole choker thing ‘sucks’ especially considering the majority of Sa’s squad have never played in a World Cup. He’s right, but the choker tag has become an inevitable mention with team SA, even though the new guys aren’t responsible for what their predecessors did. But it’s so demoralising that if they were an army, it would be like their tanks had gone on a holiday a day before battle. It’s unfair.

There have got to be some ways to do away with their incomprehensible big tournament bad luck (I’m deliberately avoiding the c word), but that will be for another day. Just don’t anyone suggest a Heimlich manoeuvre.


Friday, 6 August 2010

Pak did it again

72 all out.



Pakistan is being so consistent with its unbelievably rubbish batting that I'm loving it.

Okay, I had said I would stay shut about it, but can I?

I'll try.

Actually, I'm so pissed off that I'll just pretend there is no match going on and concentrate on the game between the Lankans and Indians.

To be honest I only read the header on Cricinfo and didn't even check out the scorecard.

Shows how uninterested I already am.

Thursday, 5 August 2010

You can’t get rid of Yousuf

When MoYo called it quits after the PCB’s ban-but-only-so-called-by-the-media, I thought it was a definite goodbye.
But so did I think when he became a rebel and joined the ICL.
And when he left and joined again.
I was fooled every time.

It’s a rare and annoying thing this. Like saying a favourite guest goodbye, crying a bit and then in the morning he’s standing before your door again. You’re happy because you like your guest but in your head you’re saying "Crap! What for did I sob all the night then? Now I’ll have to do it all over again."
One time is bad enough already, just think about two then.

It’s a bit of a similar situation with MoYo. Yousuf is a player I like and when he’s not playing, I find the Pakistani team a bit empty. According to me he brings a bit of sanity to a mad bunch and is one of the few batsmen of the current breed who you can call consistent. Of course he fields as bad as the rest, but MoYo is composed. And he’s got about the best beard in cricket, only Amla’s is as majestic.

When the whole ICL muddle was going on, I was piqued at the injustice of losing a wonderful player to this league which I couldn’t even watch on television. The next day the PCB said MoYo was back, before sending him off to home themselves. The guy ‘retired’ and having watched a whole lot of processes done by McGrath, Inzi and Lara etc under this solemn name, I decided he wouldn’t be back. Wrong. The next day he stood at my door again.

Salute MoYo, the man who bravely came back every time again

Of course I welcomed him back. I thought the bloke doesn’t deserve to leave without a ‘proper’ retirement. Which is leaving the field whilst acknowledging the crowd and getting emotional. This is what he deserves.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

Cheer Stumpy the Mascot

You know we’ve got an adorable little elephant as our 2011 World Cup mascot. You probably also know the ICC had a competition where people could send suggestions for its name. What I didn’t know and neither did you, is that they would pick the formidable name of Stumpy.

There you are, Stumpy. It’s got a touch of cricket to it, hasn’t it? Reminds me slightly of wickets, but more than that of a whole lot of other derivations. Characteristics that certainly don’t match with those the ICC wanted to see in this very good elephant. Among other things it reminds me of a bamboozled cartoon who appears in a TV series for toddlers. And if the pronunciation is slightly altered, it becomes ‘Stoompy’ which in Dutch slang means a stupid chump. You think I should tell the ICC?

What vexes me more, is the unoriginality of the whole thing. Since when did you get names by adding a simple y at the end? (please don’t think now I wanted to be a sun and therefore added y to my name). Why not name him SquareCutter or Wicked Wickety Wick then? I think ‘Play-scoopshot-and-fall-flat-on-your-face-y’ would be a nice name too.

I’m glad I didn’t participate in this bloody competition. Because the ICC cheated and gave the price to a pair of wickets with a y at the end.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

You know what? Pak got out for 80

Have you seen today's scorecard? The one of the first Test between Pakistan and England? If you haven't you should. It goes very nicely at Pak's second innings, with a double figure at the top, nice single digits in between and a double digit at the end. Apart from this interesting pattern, there was nothing impressive about Pakistan's batting.

I want to rage about it all again, but I've decided that moaning over Pak's batting is a wastage of time. You'll have to do it too often.

So here comes this Test too an end, we now probably now Asif and Aamer are still a step behind to be the number one pace duo, their batsmen don't know where the handle of a bat is (there, I moaned again), and their Test troubles continue. I'll do my best to forget what happened in these eventful four days, another embarrassing memory.

An Inzi Cartoon

There's a bit of good news. Inzi might be coming back to Pakistan's cricket service as a batting coach. I didn't feel like writing anything about it, so I thought it'd be be better to draw then.

I know, not one of the best cartoons or picture quality, but I gave it a try. And not exactly my fault I dont've got a scanner at the moment.