Friday 31 December 2010

The Beefy Butt New Year Greeting

To all the readers and the rest, here is a Beefy Butt with his warmest 2011 greetings.

May you have a fantabulous new year without anyone trying to defraud you.

Thursday 30 December 2010

Second Test, Durbs: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I'm late, I know.

But I couldn't have gone without posting a single thing about the Durbs test, so here it is. I sometimes really make it incumbent on myself to do unnecessary things.

The Good:

We had a result. And we had a good, tight game. When 228 is the highest innings score in the match, you get the picture.

Cape Town is at least not going to be a dead rubber (how very exciting).

Dravid took 200 catches and momentarily took the spotlight from SRT.

I had a day off from watching cricket.

The Bad:

Twatthajan and his wickets. Obnoxious he steadily grows, day by day.

The umpires. Three decisions they messed up and it is rumoured Umpire Davis had consumed a bit too much booze. Honestly.

The creepy thing at Durbs still exists for the Saffers.

The Ugly:


Wednesday 29 December 2010

RIP Aussie cricket

Today we're standing out with our umbrellas in the rain to mourn the death of Aussie cricket.

Though in coma since quite a while, only briefly resurrected in Perth, Aussie cricket is now utterly stomped to death. Not even the toenails survive.

Which is why I thought it apt to edit a picture Aussie media published two years back when the Saffers proudly started the coma.

May God forgive them for their sins.

Amen and cry.

Ps: word on the Saffer-India test later. It's even a sadder story, need time to cope with it.

Monday 27 December 2010

How to Escape the Ashes- Ricky Presents

Ricky finds himself in an unsurmountable dilemma.
He's about to become the most targeted Aussie captain on earth after Australia lose the Ashes (doesn't seem to be a probability any longer) so he had to devise several legal ways of not playing the Ashes anymore. That, or Walt Disney is going to offer him a role in the next Narnia film. (I'm really helping him out only, he's worried about jobs once he's fired.)

There are four ways, some he's used up, but there are a few chances still left.

Break your finger Highly self-sacrificing, but extremely effective. Unfortunately, Ricky went all crackpotty of a sudden and decided that maybe if he played with a broken finger he could become a hero like Boofus Biff. Didn't work.

Be A Good Boy and Pray to Santa Ricky thought it'd work. Christmas time was a time of miracles and happiness, so instead of vitamins and Valvoline, he requested Santa a win for the Boxing Day Test. But poor Ricky had forgotten he hadn't been a good boy at all this year...

Assault the Umpire and Get Banned Ingenious tactic employed by Ricky today, but he didn't know the bastard Match Referee would spoil it all. He was the naughty boy, he heard Figjam's nick through supersonic ears, and Aleem Dar was the criminal. So Ricky foulmouthed him a bit, showed top-class grumpiness, and yet was only fined. ONLY FINED cried Ricky. Not even one ban. Hopeless.

Run Away The most ancient yet useful method- if the bad is coming your way, you run away from it. Zulqy Haider knows it damn well.

"Couldn't you have pretended to be more offended? Idiotic cool cucumber."

Thursday 23 December 2010

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part Two

Viewing the searches that led to this place, it seems like many of you are very concerned with what happened to the balding head of Jacques Kallis.

It's not a mystery, Jakes just got inspired by Doug the Rug and rumour has it that the mop he boasts is of Russian heritage. No kidding there, the Russians have excellent hair in store.
Moreover, we already know the hair is capable of getting one double tons and makes one ram cars in the neighbour's gates.
That's some strong stuff he's got on his head.

Yes, that's all very interesting, but I seriously believe he could have styled his hair better. We all know Jakes is a horrible dresser, but that doesn't make up for the nightmare he has put me in with his horror of a hair-do. He currently gives me the image of being this:

Plainly nauseating. Like a simpson with an overly bad hair-day.

Personally, I feel Jakes should have gone with this:

As for some creepy, unknown reason, he reminds me exactly of such an old-fashioned Brit.
And he would look an amusement in white stockings.

Saturday 18 December 2010

Ricky Ponting's 36th Birthday

Can we talk of another strange coincidence? Better not, because the reasons of Australia winning were too clear.

For the first time in the series they could do something better than looking like clueless chickens being chased by English greyhounds. For the first time in the series, two Aussie bowlers were everything apart from crap and took 18 wickets between them. And not for the first time in the series the Huss batted to save a few Aussie lives.

In the meanwhile, the English batsmen were rubbish, and it was incomprehensible some people were already labeling their South African born players to be destined saviours of the game and complete the run chase. Ha, never. Saffers who play for SA can do a Perth, not the others. At least that's a fate I hope they're doomed to in my mean, Saffa-oriented mind.

So now all Aussie fans are happy happy, but to be honest, I'd have a few concerns. Both Hilfy and Siddle Widdle got only one wicket in the match, and if Mitch has a nightmare Test again, Australia might have bowler trouble again.

And oh yeah, the batting. The Huss is nearing his pension, so Ricky and the rest better get moving to earn theirs.

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part 1

We all know what a little confidence can do. We all know what a little change can do.

Put them together, and voila, you have a previously unattainable result.

In the case of Jacques Kallis, South African over-sized, chicken pasta devouring legendary batsman, the confidence and change hid themselves in the form of the mop of brown hair that now resides on a previously balding head. (Admittedly, it's still balding, ask the blokes who treated him for a hair transplant).

Kallis played 142 Tests before this one, never got a double. He's back for his 143rd with a new hairstyle and he does. Don't be simplistic and blame it on coincidence, because I don't take coincidence just like that. Among other constant factors the hair was the only change so it MUST be responsible for the score of 201*. My vague studies of science suggest that, so it must be true.

There's also the legend of hair-power of course. Samsonhair gives you extra power. Elvis Presley hair will turn you into a powerful maniac capable of conquering Jupiter in one day. And Shahid Afridi hair will get you a million contracts with shampoo advertisers.

Time to get a mop on that head, bald men.

The man with the mop conquers the world.

Friday 17 December 2010

Comeback Star Cartoon: Mitchell Johnson

Mitch showed yesterday how a little axing can do wonders, which is why he gets a cartoon from me. He is lucky it was already made when he got out on a meager ONE or I'd made one of the Huss instead.

Edit: He took 3 wickets more and got the MoMmy, so he's forgiven. True champ.

Thursday 16 December 2010

16th of December

The start of two whopping big Test matches is what made 16th of December so extra special. It was like having double cake on your birthday.

Until yesterday, Australia's share in the cake was a gooey mess, but today it looks lots more solid and better. In this post, it's onwards to the Safrican Test though, because I have to gloat.

What had we talked about so consistently before the series started? India's batsmen are usually crappy in Saffaland and Dalo and Morras have their bulldozers out already to crunch them like swooning daisies. Alright, such did happen. It feels a bit good to know predicting talk before the series came down to reality.

While I'm not going to deny the possibility of the Protea batsmen being tormented by a similar fate (it's a mean pitch, you know), the Indian batsmen did look in a clueless shambolic state. Not good when your batsmen weigh more than the bowlers in the team.

I missed most of the day, but I was there to witness Bhajji get run out in what is one of the unluckiest and satisfying ways I've seen. The rogue threatened to record his third ton, but hello, there was Boucher playing peekaboo. Through his legs, on the stumps. Bhajji dropped his bat in mere shock of the spectacle. I celebrated.

Bhajji gets a thumb up for his dismissal.

As for Lopsy, his day went in tatters. As a consolation, he ought to get the last wicket today.

That's it. Now I will go to see how Australia kick England around and later, the Saffers amass 400 runs.

Monday 13 December 2010

They've put Hauritz on the Streets

That selectors are barbarians we all know already. But that they are capable of putting a former international Test player out of his house is a new revelation.

Yes people, this is news enough to make you spew your heart out: Nathan Hauritz, Australia's former legspinner, was seen SELLING Test cricket gear in front of a cardboard box before his apartment.
Now doesn't that conjure up a a woeful picture of poor Nate sitting in front of his home with a few rags on and selling his belongings for survival? Is there no compassion then left in the world?

In the meanwhile, Australia are having a good time with their Beer. Well, an anxious time more accurately, but in the interim Warnie is having a real good time by embarking on another controversial affair. Screw the villain, he didn't even bother to get Nate back in the squad.

I've told you the story, to act is upto you now. At least buy Nate a nice Christmas gift.

See, he's already packed his luggage. Poor boy.

Saturday 11 December 2010

I'm off to Australia

To become their newest spin sensation.

I have spun the ball a few occasions in my backyard, so I have experience.

I also used to be vice-captain at my school one time where I was a premium right arm medium fast swinger. That doesn't matter of course, spinners with another bowling background are able to bring more to the field.
I've also never taken a wicket as a spinner, but that doesn't matter either, the selectors will know I've been saving all my wickets for the Ashes.

Hildy, Warney and Co. also like to select an occasional oddball or one with a strange name, so they might want to get a girl in their team for a change.

All what is left to do is to get free tickets to Australia and the notice of the selectors. For the first task I will indeed pretend to be a naive Belg with a cricket twitter handle and for the latter you folks can just go around with a few banners at the next game bearing my name.

If Beer is eligible to play for the Ashes, then so am I.

Thursday 9 December 2010

The Current Ashes Show for the Aussies

Australia lost. And they're lost about selection.

Ricky clearly doesn't like it.

The Aussie press didn't like it any more, so they've gone off to their fat files of lambasting articles which they of course had already prepared before the Ashes started.
Boy, were they furious. Just look at the headers:

"The Ashes? Forget it-this side would be lucky to beat Bangladesh"

"Australian cricket has become a product of rampant self-indulgence"

"Let's rearrange the deckchairs in the Australian team",

.....and on, and on. Just can't put my head in all of them.

It's understandable that one does indeed want to play the role of a little whinger when witnessing a performance as abysmal as Australia's, but more important than this, there's the team itself. Yes, the Aussie team combination, the question of whether tiny Hughes or Khawaja opens, whether they realise North isn't a cent worth, and whether they should pick Warne or Hauritz.

Just damn that last question, how it even became a question is ridiculous. As if the current Aussie team doesn't feel demoralised enough already.

About the second speculation the news doesn't seem positive, as this is what Ricky's got to say:
"He'll be a bit disappointed with his week's work here.I still believe that he's got great value to the team."

Ricky, may you please elaborate what value? Because I can honestly assure you he'd bring greater value as runner boy for drinks. Just give it a try.

And before academic books drag me away (they're true criminals), I have to say it's time they picked Nate again and actually persisted with him for a while. Not some other spinner picked out of obscurity, please.

Monday 6 December 2010

Australia's Mounting Misery

It's one of those times of the year when exams are around. They're niggardly scoundrels, I'm telling you.

They can't however provide me the relief of staying oblivious of what shambolic hotchpotch show the Aussies are currently staging in Brisbane.

I can already hear it gurgling and boiling disgustingly.

Stir...stir....Dougie hair...sizzle Siddle....Ricky spit....prrrrtttt....bloOp.

I hope you get the idea of disgusting now.

But sometimes one needs to play the role of a goofy optimist, which is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. The Huss will break Brian Lara's record. North will pinch Sachin's bat, score a hundred and never be dropped from the side. (Wait, that isn't optimistic, but Australia have driven me to the extent of making such predictions, strangle THEM if you want).
And on the last day Warnie will jump out of the commentary box and bowl out the Poms.

That's how crooked Nostradamus Nutjob predictions are. They're crooked, but nice. Nice is nice.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

The Best Movember Moustaches

Movember is over. Time to get the razors out, moustache men, and be back clean shaven to the cricket. Unless you like to look like an unkempt drunk.

I was at first slighty bewildered by the excessive amount of moustached men appearing, but now I think it's time to examine the best of all. After all, as men must know, growing proper moustaches is an art. If you only manage to grow a stubble, you're a horrible amateur.

So here are the nominations and the eventual winner:

Kevin Pietersen

Expected he'd be the first one to send his picture in. Clearly trying to gain a new nationality by appearing as French hotel receptionist. Lost; too creepy. Besides, bathroom pictures don't count.

Peter Siddle

Aha, our first Aussie. And clearly he didn't get the concept behind Movember. Siddle Widdle, you were supposed to grow a bloody MOUSTACHE not a little pencil stub of a beard. And before I disqualify you on the grounds of not adhering to instructions, I'll remind you that vampires are seriously old-fashioned.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Too much of an ordinary style, messy stubble but nice white teeth. The latter isn't a bonus point though, so you're out. Next.

Ben Hilfenhaus

Judging by the German-like name appearance, I had expected a trademark Hitler moustache but he's just given me the facial hair of a young lad. I'm unimpressed.

Mitchell Johnson

Well, that's nice of you to pose so professionally Mitch, but I'm hopelessly scatterbrained. What are you smelling? Did Ricky just go up in flames?

Dale Steyn

Too deceptive. He's been keeping the same thing on his face since ages; a moustache that seems like it's becoming a moustache but doesn't look like a moustache altogether. How can I possibly let you win if I'm not even sure whether that's a real moustache or one still growing?

Ricky Ponting

Ricky, we all know you don't like to shave. Don't try to demonstrate this facial hair chaos was there for the Movember event.

No winner so far. Oh wait, I've just got an interesting one in. It's Little Stuey. He really thinks it's going to work, doesn't he?
Sorry, but this is cheating Broady. To have a moustache, you need to become a real grown up man first. Disqualified.

Seems like I will need to call the competition off. Oh no, wait, because here's Merv Hughes. Now if that isn't a gigantic walrus monster of a moustache, clearly the winner. And yes, I know he had it since the day he was born, but because he kept it during Movember, he is considered legitimate for winning the competition.
Three trucks of moustache dye for you, mate.