Tuesday 30 November 2010

The Ashes is Alive

In the form of a lady in America who is a babysitter and has a twitter handle @theashes. Strange, no? Yes, strange it is indeed.

It gets even stranger when you know she doesn't know what cricket is. Which is a shame considering it's the vehicle she's getting all of her fame through. Vodafone and Qantas airline are already offering her a flight and tickets for FREE to Australia.
It's time I got such a cricket handle and pretend to be a naive Belg having no bloody clue what cricket is.

For your own interest, you can follow the lady in order to discover the journey of a babysitter towards the shores of cricket. And if you're a nice person, explain her what cricket and all really is. Or if you don't have time for that, explain to @MakhayaNtini what twitter is. The old bloke is having some troubles.

Monday 29 November 2010

How England and the Aussies tried to kill TC

Imagine Test cricket to be a little balding guy with a WG Grace beard and a Don Bradman cap who appeared at Straussy's door on the fourth day of the first Test.

"Ya going to take a stumble today, isn't it so Andy?"

"Shuddup," Strauss grumbled. "Take a stumble and then pay the Barmy Army four hundred
crates of beer in retaliation. Never."

"But I'll get sick otherwise..."

Strauss wasn't even listening. "On the contrary, I'm going to trott around my crease and make a hundred. Haha, 'trott' around, did you get that pun? You need to tell Trotters how smartly I used his name, he's with Cooky playing Farmville on Facebook."

Dejected, TC sauntered to the computer room. He tugged at Cook's sleeve.

"Hey, you going to get out for a duck today, right?"

Cook gasped. "Are you nutters? Have you heard of Trescothick? And Cosgrove? I suck once more, and they're going to take my place. I'm going to get a double ton."

TC winced and looked hopefully at Trott.

"Don't even think of it moron. I'm going to plough that entire bloody Gabba pitch. That's why I'm playing Farmville, to practise it."

The pitch after Trott was done ploughing.

Half of TC's beard turned gray and he hurried to the Aussie dressing room.

"Listen all of you filthy twats!" he shrieked.
 Watto was the first one to look up. Only Kattich was smart enough not to.
"All of you lousy bowlers who can't take some darn wickets, go play for Greenland! You're polluting me with your abysmal bowling, disgracing me, dumping me away like crap-how am I, Test Cricket, supposed to live then? You get those Poms out for 200 and keep the boring draw away from the Ashes, keep the possibility of losing 5-0 open, otherwise..."

"Otherwise what little shoutbag?" Ricky smirked. He was a bit surprised too, he'd never seen a more grumpy dwarf like him.
He continued,"It's all part of the plan, you know. Mitch being trash and all, stupid Straussy is going to think we suck at playing but it's all psychological mind control really, and then on the big day we strike. We're still figuring out when that big day will be, though. Maybe in the last Test."


"No buts, please. Go play checkers with Binga."

Seething and boiling to a red pumpkin, TC took off his Bradman cap and ate it. Then he cursed, spat on the Gabba pitch and dissolved in fire.

He ain't dead though, he watched the Aussies and Poms go according to plan and draw, and now he's waiting for the next game.

If that's a draw, then that's minus one from his steadily reducing lives.

Ban those draw freaks and pitch curators.

Friday 26 November 2010

Ricky Ponting doesn't want his Job

Out for a 10. And that too on a ball which wasn't outstanding.
Makes you think whether Ricky is too keen on his job or not. He himself said he'll be made the worm on a fishing rod if the Aussies get their bottoms kicked in the Ashes this time around. Alright, he didn't say that, but he believes it's going to be adieu for ever if such happens. So why Ricky didn't you score as much as the Huss did? Why did you have the countenance of a grumpy toad when North got out? (come on, own up you knew all the way he was going to be his usual rubbish self. Until the last innings of the last Test arrives of course.)

I haven't even got to Clarke then. Another bloke who doesn't want the captaincy it seems. It might be back trouble, but Pup since a long while hasn't looked vicious at all. But I don't exactly blame the guy for it, he's unconsciously internalised the role of a puppy now and there's not much one can do about that.

Contrary to much of the crappy batting described until now, the Huss was party swinging at the Gabba and together with Katich and Houdini Hads given Australia a goodish kind of score. Now here's a guy who really wants to have a place in the team, hurray!

The Poms won't be pleased, but if the Huss goes early in the morning things might cheer up for them a bit. And then we'll have Finn jumping 6 feet in the air again.

The picture of the day belongs to him, by the way.
And my word, if you half close your eyes you'll see he looks a bit like a mystic fellow with legs half the lenght they should be. And shoe prints stamped on his bottom.

Thursday 25 November 2010

Peter Siddle has Poms on His Cake

Siddle couldn't have known he'd get 6 Pommies for his birthday. 6 bloody wickets in the first Ashes test on the first day and including a hat trick too. Even mollycoddled brats don't get birthday presents as good as these.
Not many expected it for sure, and that was just the nice thing about it. Unpredictable and nice, just like Siddle's appearance today; unfolded collar and weird facial hair. Okay, the facial hair wasn't very nice and I just hope Siddle hasn't assumed from Twilight playing the Vampire is cool these days.

It also seems my theory of teams considered superdogs before a game doing bad is being slowly verified. Which is why I'm telling you South Africa is in horrible form for the World Cup and the Indian series. Don't even think they'll do anything of note.

Lastly, though the day belonged to Siddle, the picture of of the day goes to Twatto. No one can seriously pose better as a twat than him. Don't tell me he doesn't look here like he's dancing with a punched jaw and electrocuted hair.

Wednesday 24 November 2010

The Ashes Mentals

By now the Poms and Aussies are in bed, agitatedly snoring and dreaming of little urns, because tomorrow is an important day. Tomorrow as the first ball will about to be released from the hand of a currently unknown bowler, specks of dust on the Brisbane pitch will be unsettled and sniff the leather of the red object, the movement of it will be most majestical and seemingly eternal. Better than statues dancing in Athens. Better than the slow-motion crap they have in sci-fi movies. It will be divine.

So I thought I may write a preview for these heavenly moments to happen.

M- Match: Bloody hell, don't you dare ask what match it is. It is the first match of the umpteenth Ashes series between England and Australia at Brisbane in Australia on Earth. It would be a shame hadn't you known all of this stuff.

E- Dunno yet what this should stand for.

N- Nutjob Nostradamus: Among weird predictions I expect Swann to take on the field for Australia tomorrow as a solution for their spin problems, taking KP's wicket, and consequently giving Strauss a psychological breakdown. Vaughan comes as replacement skip and Ricky loves it. Oh boy, he surely does.

T - Total Bucks Worth: I'll settle for 8/10; I mean, the value of this match. After all it's the Ashes, and even as a neutral supporter you're compulsory to like them. And as a neutral supporter my brain is still thankfully intact from the paranoia of losing that these matches bring. Haha, bring it on folks.

A-Ass-Kicking Abilities

Australia: Win the toss, and then beg Siddle and Mitch to declare hell. A bit of a supportive idea for the younger blokes to do well is that a good Ashes series can make a permanent place, which is difficult considering many are still queueing for them. Yeah, even Marcus North is still standing in the line.

England: Many, many, many. Nice bowling, nice batting. They're already getting their stamping boots on.

L- Losing Proficiencies

Australia: Many wonderful opportunities, the best of a lifetime actually. Mitch just needs to get an e-card from his mom, Xavier Dorothy a nightmare debut, and Pup a hairline fracture. If Punter doesn't get a big one, it's looking bad for the Aussies. Humph.

England: KP's emotional batting traumas can be dangerous (and hopefully contagious), only Jimmy has bowled in Aussieland before and Strauss isn't as tough a cookie as Ricky is. Also, they might get too smug, cocky and over confident. And that might be the Aussie plan, aha.

S- Spectator Inspection

There are going to be GAZILLIONS of crazy people swarming the stadium and the Barmy Army is going to fire a few cannons. Boy, I'm hoping for a few throat grabbing incidents and field invasions too. A la World Cup 1975..or whenever we had one around those years.

You probably already guessed I'm not neutral, yes, I'm not exactly. I'm supporting the Aussies this time for the reasons that I see they might get crumpled and it's better to support the weak rather than the ruling bosses. Also supported the Poms last time around so now an Aussie turn. Fairness in life is good.

Tuesday 23 November 2010

Chins Up, Kiwis.

Yes, they may have lost this match by an innings, but how proud of a 1-0 Test victory over the Blackaps the Indians will be I don't know. The Kiwi boys however can dance like crazy Rumplestiltskins if they want (alright, a little jig would do, they didn't win it), because being just bestowed by the knowledge of having pulled of a feat which the Aussies weren't able to a month or so ago must feel good. Pretty good, actually. We're talking about the once invincible Aussies after all.

So the two good things the Blackaps did were the draws. The shit part, of course, was this match. Doesn't matter really, because if you know a bit how to throw numbers around you'll understand the good : bad = 2 : 1. Damn, how I just missed my math classes.

The best part of the entire series I already talked about, and with a half decent brain you'll remember it was Chris the bald Ninja doing his mojos and hadoukens and weird stuff when he rattled the Indians. Too bad Bhajji spoiled it. Now that we're talking of it, this Bluebearded criminal in my books got the man of the series award. Worst of all, he got it through his batting.

At least Dan got 4 wickets more than Bhajji in the series. Now that's at least some consolation.

(I had to post this yesterday, but internet problems busted my plan).

Sunday 21 November 2010

AB, the Umpires and Biff's Brain

AB scored 278 today. Well. Well, well. 278 might look an ordinarily excellent score but not if you take the story of the two blind umpires and the one of selfless Biff in account. Because now it's become almost a fairytale.

The story is one where on the first day of the second Test, two old men responsible for surveillance of play on the field turned blind. Just blind, all of a sudden, and I can tell you the Basilisk wasn't slithering around anywhere. Because of this AB didn't get out twice when he should have been, and so he decided it was time to get out a bulldozer and flatten the tiring Stani bowlers to crushed cornflakes. Stani fans now think the time has come to dump Umpire Asoka in some Chilean mine and don't inform the rescuers about it.

Alright, he was a lucky lad, but about 200 runs followed in which he was just bloody brilliant, everything made even more brilliant by Gul involving in conversational skills unknown to mankind. Thank you Gul, thank you AB, thank you Mike Haysman.

Nothing was over, however. AB made 150, 200, 250, oh boy, it just wasn't enough. AB was running on the galaxies with Bolton owned Nike sneakers and all around it was raining lollipops. Then they called him for tea and AB didn't want to bat anymore, but the all-wise Boofus Biff said 'Damn that rubbish. You're going to play, break my record and allow my goodness to prevail.'
So AB went out and did it. The 300 was in sight...nearly there...and then the lights went out.

Okay, can anyone now explain to me the workings of Boofus Biff's brain? Don't worry, I'm prepared for a very complex evaluation. Or maybe I'm not, so here's what I think. See, if you know the Saffer cricket watching folks you'll know plenty of them don't really like Biff. Biff doesn't like that either, and he's got his reasons because they'll just blame him for everything. Even if he scores a thousand runs, and the team loses he's a brainless calf with a square head. Today was thus the opportunity to spread some love and show he doesn't care about his milestones and let AB get it. It was still generous and most unScroogelike I'd say.

As to about not letting AB get to 300; I don't know. It really wasn't a matter of 3 or 5 overs dictating the match's result, so according to me it was plain brainlessness. Strangely, AB said
he was a happie chappie with what he got and didn't look ahead to the 300. Yes AB, we all know you're a team man, but come on, we really could have done with a Saffer getting 300. It kinda sucks seeing none of our batsmen have got more than 278 while Lara's got 400 and the rest 300 plusses. The shame of it.

Tuesday 16 November 2010

Chris Gayle didn't really deserve that Triple

For some reasons, I think Chris Gayle was not the right bloke to get a second triple ton.

See, let's say as a kid you have an old-fashioned sugar aunt who visits regularly on the first Sunday of every month. You don't like her because she's slightly old and senile, pinches your cheeks, regurgitates the pastor's sermons, wears droopy shawls and smells of some weird repugnant Parisian cologne.

Worst of all, you're expected to sit there with her all the morning like a neatly combed pup and listen to her endless prattle. Which is why you pray to God the Yeti will one day come to kidnap her, tear her into smithereens and then devour her. Yum, yum. Okay, that's disgusting, but let's agree that these are naughty bad thoughts, particularly when you consider how many gifts Aunty gives.

Ah yes, she isn't a parsimonious prick, she brings you delicious meringues, cookies and chocolates everytime she comes, yet you loathe her despite her trying to be actually nice to you. Shame on you bastard.

So basically Chris Gayle doesn't like his sugar aunt Test cricket because she isn't cool like Uncle T20, yet he shamelessly takes the many gifts she brings. Oolala, the only dude to have two triples looks cool, he says. And yet he wont love Aunty Test.

So there, he didn't really deserve it this way. The other he of course did, because he scored the runs himself.

Now try to make sense out of all of this. You should.

Sunday 14 November 2010

Pak vs SA: The Suspicious Numeros

The unfairness of Test cricket is that due to its long duration you're not able to watch the entire game, which means you miss chunks of the it. Which also means you can miss the most lovely parts. Which happened twice in the course of this match with me, when the Saffers lost 8 wickets for 73 and the Stanis 8 for 72.

Cheaters, you say. Aha.

Of course getting mathematical figures so close in cricket is very suspicious, particularly because mathematical figures are difficult to duplicate. And with our brains already being automated to perceive most things suspicious where Pakistan is involved, this all forms an oversuspicious situation that demands investigation. Beefy Butt will of course blow up at this. Bastards, he says, this was Pakistan's pre-planned thing so it isn't their fault they batted second. Also, batting collapses are something absolutely Stani-like, so replicating them is plagiarism. Sue the South Africans.

But before your delicate brains become too intertwined in this strange story of matching numbers, let me explain today's day in a simple way:
Pakistan was rising. But then started tumbling. And tumbling. And tumbling. Until they there was no more tumbling left to do. It were Harro and Botes who pushed them, but Morne Morkel it was who dragged them all along.

Well not exactly finis because I'm ending this post with pictures.

Paul Harris prayed for wickets..

...but half of them went to Botes, even though he had dirty yellow teeth and had smeared the toothpaste on his face.

Morne Morkel had to look dangerous and awesome, so he grew a pair of extra arms.

But then Biff cried because he wanted a pair of them too.

Thursday 11 November 2010

Cartoon: The Flight of Zulqi

No mention so far from me on all the brouhaha going on about Zulqy, Pakistan's comparatively nicer wicky, running away. I've only got a cartoon, which may not make too much sense.

If you're a clever buddy, you will be able to figure out the bloke with the red eyes is upto something really bad and the bloke with the watery ones upto something really noble.

Monday 8 November 2010

Harbhajan Singh, Spoiler of the Good

Just when you thought a Kiwi win was inevitable, an it it meagre chances of not happening seemingly rested alone on super brilliance by Waxman, Bhajji came on as unwanted saviour, scored his first maiden ton, and spoiled all the good fun a Blackap win would have brought.
The heartless bastard.

That he has been one big unbearable baddie since he invaded cricket is a well known thing, but meanness to the Kiwis is more unacceptable than Ramiz Raja's haircut.

And on top of it, the Indian selectors won't ever drop him now, probably. He may have been bowling rubbish, but with his ton he has indoctrinated folks enough for another 5 years that he is India's most recently discovered awesome batting sensation, while he clearly isn't. Time to throw the guy out.

Sunday 7 November 2010

All Hail the Kiwis and Chris Martin

Before the series between India and the Blackaps started, I thought of doing a post requesting the Indians to be a bit generous to the Kiwis and beat them gently if they will. I had a presentiment that after the disastrous tour to Bangladesh, the Kiwis would end up as mustard midgets at the hand of India and Daniel Vettori would run crying to Geneva to start his life as an evil scientist in recluse.

But today we were shown that goodness is bestown on the good. The Kiwis are noble folks, they rarely thrash anyone and they won the ICC Spirit of Cricket Award twice in a row. Yes, it's true, and if you are still not convinced you should remind yourself they are led by a man with spectacles. There's too much good about spectacles.

Anyhow, today it was India who was turned into smithereens for a change. Bloody India who almost never lose on their own fields and robbed the Saffers of a Test series victory are now lying in a hopeless rubble and only some Laxman is out to glue them together. All of we have to pray that doesn't happen because that would seriously spoil Chris Martin's heroics.

Chris Martin is the coolest bald ninja on earth. He proved he can survive for plenty of balls and can take 5 wickets in a day without going crazy as a result of the achievement. He radiated so much superhero-ness today that Dan the Man couldn't even act as his sidekick.

That's Chris Martin's move to hit someone in the head.

JesseR and that new guy Williamson deserve lots and lots of praise for their batting work too, together with Taylor and Baz, but nothing would look as great if the Kiwis didn't win this one know.
The only advantage of this would be Jesse Ryder not getting drunk in the celebrations.

But anyhow Blackaps, win it. Just win it.

The Crime of Dropping Rusty

After the fourth ODI I had intended to rattle on and on about the cricketing brilliance these two awesome sides have produced until you would have been dizzy with it. But annoyingly I wasn't able to, because I was here:

Ooh yes, and the copyrights belong to ME.

That doesn't mean I will forget about the atrocity of selection the Saffers commited in leaving Rusty to warm the bench in Friday's game. Dropping Rusty, your BEST death-bowler who actually ensured you weren't down 1-2 after the third game, can only be a result of deliberate malice and pettiness. Either this or A-grade lunacy. I hope it's not the latter, because if it is, there's no reason why we may see some crackpots seeing no harm in dropping him again for the final game.  

Rusty together with Lopsy can be the solution to the Saffers' death bowling problems, so you need to have him play every bloody game before the World Cup. That, or he may turn really sour and get purple hair for real.

So yes, choose Rusty, the endangered gingerhead who can bend his back in weird angles and has nerves of steel. No kidding there.

Wednesday 3 November 2010

Jokers save ODI cricket

Yesterday, you had a bunch of insipid nutjobs trying their best to make cricket a winner. ODI cricket that is. They were entirely selfless in the job, and decided as long as the game was interesting, it didn't matter who won. It's only this way you can explain Pakistan initiating their batting shit all over again when they only required 20 from 19 and SA shamelessly dropped catches. It was like both teams having this kind of dialogue as a forum suggested:
SA: "Hey Stanis, our Amla kept us still in the game, but take the game now. Slowly."
Pak: "Ah no, after you Saffers."
SA: "We seriously don't want it..go ahead. After you, gentlemen."
Pak: "No, no after you."
SA: "Let's both mess things up then and then see who gets lucky in the end, okay?"
Pak: "Great idea. Let's do it."

And that's how this boisterous slap stick comedy started. Hash was the only one who tried to get things a bit sane, but that's because he's such a level-headed, incredible person who bloody knows how to keep a wicket and play good Samaritan for his team.
The game's biggest comedian was probably third umpire Zameer Haider who actually decided that in this age of unparalleled technology anything that looks real might not be so and thus he gave AB out. Or maybe he was confused and despite the replays was overcome by so much pompous thoughts that he didn't reverse the decision, and I didn't feel much like watching the match after this. Until it was Pakistan's turn to perform their act of course. They are gems on the stage.

Imran Farhat and Asad Shafiq were playing Test cricket which left Fawad Alam with too much of an arduous task to do than his little muscles could handle. In the end he had to resort to using fellow batsmen as support stands whenever they came in, and pretend he was narrating advice from John Buchanan's gospel to them. It didn't help though, and the Stanis lost. By bloody two runs. Johan Botha would have turned into a vampire and eaten Biff's flesh if the Saffers had lost this one.

Of course you're all forgetting the real champion; Rusty. Yes, the endangered gingerhead bowled a wonderful last over and though it was briefly interrupted by Albertus Morkel trying to revenge himself by dropping a catch (he didn't bowl once in the match), Rusty shone in the end and merrily continues his campaign of conquering the world. It's time you shook hand with him because I'm not sure how fond he is of his foes.

Monday 1 November 2010

Abdul Razzaq is the new Boom-Boom

It would rock to be Abdul Razzaq for even one bloody day. Preferably during an exam session, because answering questions would be easier than getting Chris Martin out for a duck then. If Razzaq entered your anxious soul, you would be writing answers this way:
"What's the importance of the three witches in Macbeth?"

"Dat they r 3 cool old hags who boil weird thingies in their cauldron. Just yesterday they put an armadillo with cat paws in and I bet I even saw Dougie Bollinger following. He cried like an overgrown baby. So basically this makes 'em very scary and Macbeth is all about the scary stuff you know. No big deal. But I'm sure you've already bolted your door now, isn't it so examiner? Not that I care."

It's so indifferent. And simple. 
As simple as Razzaq made hitting sixes look yesterday.
Yes, you fabulous old codger, ancient Pakistani who has survived for some bloody 15 years, annihilator of unsuspecting bowlers at the death, you deserve a free ride in the Pakistani team for another 15 years. It will be a most generous offer considering few survive less than 5 months there nowadays.

Greet the new Boom Boom with flowers and rose petals

But now we come to Albie. Oh, Albie. I thought you were meant to be the next Polly, the next Klusener (or was that Morne? They're shamelessly naming so many successors of them these days that I'm left in a muddle), but what do you do? BOWL LITTLE LOLLIPOPS. Lollipop bowlers are supposed to be sent back to domestic cricket. I hope you get that.

The best thing about yesterday's match was that it can boast of being interesting. At least ever since Afridi and then Razzaq stepped in to bat. Haha, that's a blow to the 'ODIs are so dead' campaign. Then there was also Colly Ingram scoring his second ton there, hats off to the boy; it's sad his day had to be ruined later. Equally good was that some sense can be knocked into the messed up Saffer heads; sense that they need to get their damn bowling line up right and include Rusty.

Yes, you almost forgot about him, so I'll remind you; Rusty Theron- endangered gingerhead with deathly bowling capabilities. Needs to be recalled to the team ASAP.