The Beauty of It All

I was supposed to be neutral in this game.

But then there were wild scenes of Lance Klusener and Allan Donald going bonkers.

 And Australia holding the cup in 1999 grinning like green frogs.

And again in 2003.

And again in 2007.

And then there was this disturbing image of Ricky fondling a fifth World Cup and kangaroos with bloodshot eyes jumping around the world, and at this moment my sanity returned.

Australia had to lose.

For the sake of cricket.

For the sake of a new champion.

For the sake of a Pak-India semifinal.

And maybe for the sake of seeing the World Cup being reflected in the swaying Head and Shoulders sponsored hair of Afridi, Kamran Akmal swooning at the beauty of the moment and Shoaib Akhtar chosing not to become a popstar in return.

Lovely.

Ps: Yes, no regular posting these days, I know. Just a little busy and might be away for the next couple of days as well..boohoo.

Winning and Winning

Match One:

Under tense circumstances, (but still being brashly optimistic) the Deshis take the field. The South Africans post a goodish score.

A goodish score is obviously not what the Deshis wanted and so they play the "Heck, we're never going to make it" game and bundle out for 78. Lopsy and Robbie P are so formidable that them living in obscurity some 2-3 years back looks like a miracle.

At the post match presentation, Shakib utters that eternal word of captivating beauty, that word which has dabbled on the lips of countless criminals and rabble-rousers, and in typical movie sense, ultimately led to their their redemption: "Sorry".
He doesn't get any redemption but at least makes it safely to the hotel with his team.
That's better than redemption.

Match Two:

On a naughty wicket in Colombo, the Stanis take on the Aussies. The Aussies think they'll do better than the Deshis and go on to score a hundred more. But, "Sorry", says Umar Akmal. "I've got to be the MoM today and praise me and my bro. Gotta win this game".
The Aussies lose.

Yes they do.

First time since 1999 in a World Cup.

Feels good.

A Pakistan 'the Good, the Bad and the Ugly'

The way the Stanis are winning these days must be scaring at least some teams their pants off. Because the Stanis are winning despite their typical derangements, and any team which can win without playing very sane and consistently adhering to the ritual of doing something oddball, is, well as I said, SCARY.

Yesterday's game was one where the Lankans might have been tipped to win, but instead they now have to rue the loss of Chamara Silva who has reportedly been strangled. Hahaha, Sangakarra laughs manically, he hates tortoises.

Towards the goodies, badies and uglies now.

The Good

- The Stanis winning. Their madness is the most likeable when they win, and we need likeable madness in cricket. Oh, absolutely.
- Batting. The 'Stanis can bat' tag is now permanent.
- Misbah-ul-Haq is batting like he's the bloody captain and that's great because he isn't.
- Shoaib Akthar. He told me if he's going to take a fiver this World Cup, he'll give me a free flight over Madagascar.
- Hafeez getting runout. I didn't see it, but apparently it was the best case of a couple of players' brains getting stolen by an evil bogeyman (you have to believe in those) for a few seconds.
- Cap'n Shahid. I think he can bowl.

The Bad

-The fielding. Today I'm introducing the 'Stanis can't field' tag.
- Umar Gul. Ever since I heard about his legendary reverse-swing, I've seen a bowler being loved by the batsmen more and more. Too, too expensive.
- Misbah-ul-haq still has the audacity to try and play *that* shot.

The Ugly

Kamran Akmal looking like a pistol in a jumping pose. Pistols fire and cause destruction but Kakmal was crap yesterday so it's a shame he's trying to look like one.

"Go get that ball, ye scoundrels or I'll fire myself."

Yousuf Kicked Out

The wording might seem a bit harsh, but that's how I'd feel if I were MoYo.
For goodness' sake, the Stanis are so out of their bloody minds to not play their bearded uncle, and I'm serious about this.

You even won't want to consider why they're doing this. "Oh yes, because he was the epitome of ODI batting crappiness this year, averaging only a teeny-weeny 17 something, you say. I don't take that. Out of all the Stani batsmen, only three appear in the top scorer list of Cricinfo and none of them average above 35.

And if you want to forgive Uncle MoYo and fight his case, just like me, I'll go ahead and say 9 of his 10 games were played on either Australian or English pitches, and as everyone knows, that's where batting averages go all awry. In addition to this, it was like getting your butt cooked in Baba Yaga's cauldron for Pakistan in Australia, and with MoYo the captain there, nothing helped him much. 2009 was pretty piss poor for him too, but the years before he was awesome and there's no reason why he could not return to his season of awesomeness very soon. Just look at what Mussey did.

Apparently, he won't even play in the WC now. That's just an atrocity because Uncle MoYo is like a mentor, a calmness providing winged guardian, so having him out of the way is probably what a few Stanis like.  It's punch party for them when MoYo is away.

Among other squad news, Misbah returns to eliminate Pakistan from the WC with his scoops and Kamran Akmal is back to spread some mischief.
It's time all you Stani fans out there started praying.

MoYo is going to slay all you scoundrels who oppose him

There's Much Wrong with Pakistan's WC Squad

More than much.

For one reason, it requires you to figure out who ten of the blokes listed actually are. And after you've done that, try to remember who they are. The complication of this job mounts when you discover more than half of these newbies share half of their name with another Pakistani cricketer.

Inappropriately, it results in brain disorders.

"Hey, there's a new Stani bowler there, what's he called?"
"Asad Ali".
"And that guy?"
"Asad Shafiq".
"And the other one?"
"Azhar Ali."
"Oh. I see Tanvir is playing again."
"He isn't, that's Tanveer."

I award you a photographic memory certificate if you can remember all of them.

More is wrong though when you look at those making it and those not.

Rana Naveed ul Hassan.

Hello? Fellow with a hair transplant- check. Useless bowler on most occasions- check.
Being the big geniuses that the PCB are, they learned from Jakes Kallis that new hair does wonders so decided to give Rana Chacha another chance. Rana Chacha=Haircules, never in my life.

Check out that bouncy Head and Shoulders-nourished hair. Definitely makes him a champ, the PCB says

They've also included Kamran Akmal, notorious Pakistan wicky who occasionally turns blind and has a thing for dropping catches. I heard him saying "he feels honoured to be selected and present Pakistan and will do his best." His best in bringing Pakistan near to the bottom of the barrel, he means.

Then there's also Shoaib Malik not making the cut, but I can't be bothered by this headline boy anymore. Seriously, anyone who is labelled a hatemonger and blamed for gossip can't be considered much of a character. Pakistan might be better off without him even though he's often been more than a handy allrounder. To think he was skipper a while ago.

Chief selector Mohsin Khan tries his best to preserve tender Pakistani fan hearts by saying  "We are satisfied that we have selected the best squad from amongst the available players."
Tough job that was, so very tough. After all there were so few players available considering they either get suspended or feel like fleeing. Ijaz Butt says they can give their conscience a break now.

A jolly good match

Yes it was, despite the very obnoxious fact that England won, Strauss the Ostrich made 126 runs and the English are now the no. 2 team in the world. I’m still figuring out how I have to swallow that latter bit of news: “England the no. 2 team in the world.” Gulps. That just doesn’t seem to be logical.


On to the match. The Stani openers did so well that it didn’t seem to be logical either, but it was the kind of absurdity I liked. And Kakmal is on a mission to save his career. The bastard. He knows we all want him kicked out so he’s now trying to become Pakistan’s best batsman. Alas he doesn’t know that him batting well is very suspicious behaviour too and we might speculate he’s into some dark fixing business. Watch out, Akmal.


This Shafiq guy is really impressive and MoYo is being his usual old good self again. Among the Stani batsmen potty screwball Captain Shahid is the only one who requires a spanking as his igniting fuel supply is plummeting since the past four games and I want him to play a real Boom Boom innings; not a small cracker game. Enough to set the town on fire. Not literally, of course.

See how scared Davies is at seeing MoYo baring his teeth. Get him MoYo, get him.

Other than that did you see Broady’s economy rate? It was ABOVE 8. I know he got 4 wickets too, but that doesn’t count here. He got hammered around for 13 boundaries and it was the first thing that conjured a malicious grimace on my face when seeing the scorecard. That was nice of you Broady, it really was.

You can't hide the tears Stuey.

Best thing about the match was that it was actually absorbing. I’m here to rub this in the face of all ODI haters. Yeah, take that, ODI is still jumping and frolicking around and people still love him. The other good thing was that the Stanis were competitive and we need them to be after that fiasco.


Oh, and don’t say the Stanis have earned any momentum now. They never do, and as I’ve said before they have been known to conjure it up when there was none, and also have been known to squander it when the momentum was falling out of their pockets. They love to keep you guessing.

And one question: Where the Hell is Kieswetter?

Akmal and Broad chat on MSN

Okay, I know Cricinfo’s Page 2 has probably miffed you enough with their endless spy-cammer reports, but doing them is so irresistible that I’ll turn into an annoying bugger myself for the day, and bring you a stalked MSN live chat between Stuey and snr. Akmal.

Broady is sitting in his room, browsing cricket sites and reading all the nasty stuff people have got to say about his impudent behaviour. He writes the names carefully down and plans to get’em reported to his Dad. Suddenly Kamran Akmal comes online.

On Stuey’s screen:

K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.
K. Akmal has sent you a buzzer.

Stuey thinks of appearing offline but then remembers something and reluctantly types:

Yeah hello...umm, what’s up?
K. Akmal : Hello! A varry bootiful moon is up.
Stuey : Oh..well. Why do you want to talk with me?
K. Akmal : Becoz I’m is varry happy. You makes me happy.
Stuey : Geez Akmal, can’t you share your euphoria with someone else?
K. Akmal : Wat is euphoria? Just like dairia? I not can share dat.
Stuey : OK, just leave it. Wait, are you talking about our deal? That I had to injure that new bloke Haider?
K. Akmal : Yes, yes, u are so rite. U make his pain bigger bad and now not play he in next Test. So I would be keeper now again and dat makes me varry happy.
Stuey : Yeah, it wasn’t too difficult, I aim so perfectly well. They cut my match fees for half, but you’re going to pay for that right? And you also promised you’d allow me to make a century when you keep next time by hitting all my edges to the boundary, remember?
K. Akmal : Yes, me knows. Not takes worry you. I do everything, Pakistan crikeet ka SOOPERMAN to mayn hi hun na.*

"Yah, itz me, Pak crikeet's Sooperman. Itz not Shahid Bhai"

Stuey : Sorry?!
K. Akmal : Aik to is uloo ko urdu samajh mayn nahi aati. Angraiz putar kahi ka.*
Stuey : What? Sorry Akmal, I seriously don’t get all of that stuff.
K. Akmal : Leaf it. And i hav to leaf too, small Akmal comes in, he cannot see wat chating we talked! Bi bi..
On Stuey’s screen : K. Akmal has sent you a wink. Play Kiss.

*Pakistani and Indian folks, I hope I got the Urdu/Hindi right. Since I might not have got it right, feel free to correct and be kind enough to provide a translation in the comments section for those who didn’t get anything of it.

Pak lost. *Yawn*

They may have done this deliberately.
I go out for a day, leaving the Stanis behind with England needing about a hundred runs more and Cook out.
I come back, and see the Pommies have won by nine wickets. Means they didn’t get out anyone else and gatecrashed all my reveries about Pakistan still possibly winning.

A few things about the match:

* We might not see K.Akmal for a while again because the Haider guy was pretty impressive. He actually accumulated more runs in one innings than Akmal could in-I don’t-know-how-many.

* We might not see Dan Kaneria for a while either, because through a nice half-century and good bowling, Ajmal has fixed himself to the spinner spot with Gorilla Glue and ten rolls of sticky tape. Might take plenty of time before he gets loose.

* Pakistan lost again and the rubbish batting can take most of the blame. So we might finally see MoYo playing in the next match. They’ll need him.

* Dad Broad is probably on a holiday to Fiji or on an expedition in the Arctic. That’s why Son Broad finally got caught being naughty and received some kind of punishment.

What, you’re saying I was going to ignore this match? Rubbish. I was only feigning a deliberate apathy to be honest, but come on, you knew that already, didn’t you?