Monday, 11 April 2011

An Explanation Behind Twatto's Performance

I had even forgotten the Aussies were playing the Banglas today. I'm quite honestly not even giving much of a toss about the series; I've said before watching weaker teams getting themselves steamrolled isn't exactly one of my hobbies.

Shane Watson of course knows that and so he scores some 185 runs from 96 balls. Including 15 fours and 15 sixes. Will you look at that? I mean, CAN you even look at that?
I first thought Cricinfo had become a victim of a cyberattack to give me such incredible stats, but it turns out it is all true. I shouldn't be relinquishing my idea of dragging Twatto in a potato sack to jail anytime soon.

I do suspect two reasons behind such an insane innings however.

1- Twatto saw the nice pink outfit I've created for him and therefore played this beast of an innings in an attempt to impress me, so that I consequently have mercy on him and do not get him to wear it. On second thoughts though, he might have tried to impress me because he actually wants that I do send it to him because he feels the Desparate Housewife Outfit from company Team Barbie will suit him. Either way, he won't be getting it for free.

2- This was all really a campaign to kick out Bangladesh from the next WC and get Ireland in. Twatto felt if he could literally smack the Bangladeshi bowlers in the ground and mutilate them for life, the Banglas would not be able to play in the next WC. So that's his way of contributing his cent for the Associates' cause.

So, nothing too special about his innings.

Time to move on with life, people.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Hideous Outfits are A Crime

Decided yesterday I'd tune in for a bit of IPL entertainment and hello, the 'Kochi Tuskers Kerala' are playing.

I think I'll try to decipher the genius behind the using of a three-word name for a sports team, but then the Kochi openers walk out and I'm offered something far more important to contemplate over.

Because I see this:

Now if you'd ask me what 'this' is then I'd tell you this is one of the greatest embarrassments in the history of colour matching. This isn't even innovative or funky, this is plain crap. And I don't know how many are willing to sacrifice their eyes for seeing Kochi play, I know I'm not.

I know it doesn't take much genius to understand what is wrong with this thing, but I still felt it needs to be criticised here because getting your team to wear this is a crime.
Quite seriously. I don't think it is okay if someone is made to look like an absolute nutjob before such a large audience (unless we're talking of politicians here.)
BB McCullum should have clung to his bedpost in obstinacy.

I, however, have to see some optimism in the industry of making hideous outfits. It means there is a possible chance of us ever getting to see Shane Watson play in this:

Desparate Housewife Twattonette of Team Barbie, ready to change the world with a magic wand.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Start A Revolution and Kill the ICC

There's been plenty of brouhaha created by cricket's most incompetent and easily dislikeable dunderheads- the ICC. And not for the first time.

Kicking out the Associate Chickens without the slightest ounce of respect and concern beats it all though. This is a hotchpotch of mercenary aims, avarice and depravity all masked by the pretence of 'doing what's best for cricket'. The ICC are in effect criminals and the kind of criminals who cannot be negotiated with. And they do have evil bosses too.

Plus, they regard us true cricket fans as dead germs on the bathroom. Yes, that's what they think of you and me.

Therefore, I propose we start a revolution for cricket's better fate and in a bloody takeover, kill the ICC. Right now, it's the best solution possible because history tells us when they absolutely won't listen to you, you just have to take out your bazooka and deal with matters this way.

Go ahead and shoot the ICC like the spectacled villains they are.
And while you're at it, try looking a bit like a leprechaun.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Comic: 6 Reasons Why World Cups Are Both Great and Horrible

At last, I managed to finish a first comic.

Read, enjoy, give feedback and spread the love friends.

First, Why They're Awesome:

1. World Cups mean 24 hours of cricket and popcorn.

World Cups mean no more having to watch stinky movies on HBO. World Cups mean something cricket-related will always be on the television and your cricket addicted guts will devour it all until the Yeti will break into your house and take you to some snowy mountains to be devoured along with pasta.

2. During World Cups People Talk more About Cricket Than Paris Hilton and Politics

World Cups are big and exciting, so basically everyone thinks it's cool to start talking about cricket. Hearing so many people talk about cricket the reminds you how cool and awesome cricket is and that it is destined for world domination.

3. Associate Chickens* Get A Chance to Kick Down the Bigger Bullies
The Associate Cricket Nations normally live in a world where they play chicken vs chicken matches. Not in World Cups. In World Cups they enter the coliseum with a mad bison. They usually get trampled over like a handicapped bug, but sometimes emerge as victorious, and the sight of them making necklaces out of the slain monster's intestines is incredible.

*associate chickens are the brave associate cricketing nations as explained in this post.

And now we come to the part which explains why World Cups suck.

4. Associate Chickens Get Slaughtered And Crushed And Mutilated

And this happens more than point 3 with the stronger countries shamelessly behaving like psychopathic dinosaurs who haven't eaten for days.

5. The Advertisements, the Advertisements with Cricketers and Ravi Shastri

This could probably be applied to any big sporting tournament, but the 100 times-in-a-day repetition of some 10 ads and Ravi Shastri bellowing his eternally preserved favourite phrases makes one so mentally deranged and hungry for living a life under a dark cloak of obscurity at the end that it needs to be mentioned.

6. Dealing with having your team kicked out of the tournament

Life starts feeling like one gigantic ball of slime. You'd better be born a rhinosaur millions of years ago or be dead. Especially when you exist with the knowledge that there are people around who can still be drugged with the reveries of their team winning the final.


                                                                          The End.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

On One Win and Two Losses and Little Happiness

Right, I decided it's time to come out of my hiding.

Not that I was hiding in any case though, I mean come on, can you imagine me as a gigantic milksop becoming a recluse just because first the Saffers slaughtered themselves and then the Stanis crashed out too? Of course not.

I quite fancied the opportunity of spewing so many emotional tirades out here, but didn't have time for that. So instead I passed the week feeling like some really rotten egg. But now I have to talk about three things, here we go.

On India's Win Yesterday

I felt like a snotty curmudgeon.
But then those Indian players were such jolly nice fellows for dedicating this Cup to Sachin in their emotional outpourings and gustos, because then I could picture the more endearing reality of Sachin being the sole reason for India's win and Sachin floating around the stadium like a winged Cupid spreading love and goodness and all was well for me.

Plus, I could smugly think how South Africa has been the only team in the tournament to have beaten India, the WC champs, which makes us kind of better than the champs.

Plus, Gary Kirsten was Sachin's sidekick in winning the tournament and he's South African. We're absolutely getting him as our coach now, oh yes.

Plus, I grudgingly have to admit India were quite good. And because of the nice Indian people I know this win has slightly become more bearable. (But you really haven't, Harbhajan Singh.)

On Pakistan's Loss That Day

Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Who and what the hell do I believe? Rehman Malik, the people, stupid decisions?

On South Africa's Loss the Other Day

It went like this:
"Aaaah, we're winning this. Yes, 220, I'll take that, I'll take that....oh, Hash's gone..good work Biff and Jakes..NOoo...go, go AB....SHIT...I hate you for all eternity Faf...please, please, please, Botes and Peterson, I implore BAT...another gone..noo...they're losing they aren't....yes they are....shut up they aren't...YOU SHUT UP THEY ARE...and why am I watching this in a friggin hotel room where I can't even break the television? Damn, they've lost....right, hold back your tears Sunny, hold them back...there's other folks in the room..manoevre your way carefully out...go straight to the you can...WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN?"

But as usual, I forgave them.

And at the End

The World Cup is over, finally.
Bring on a 90-match torture of IPLling I say. YES.

Sachin Tendulkar- like King Arthur, Merlin the Wizard and a nice Hobbit.
So more like a fairytale character than a cricketer.
Ps- First comic will be coming out soon..and it's about the World Cup...

Thursday, 24 March 2011

The Beauty of It All

I was supposed to be neutral in this game.

But then there were wild scenes of Lance Klusener and Allan Donald going bonkers.

 And Australia holding the cup in 1999 grinning like green frogs.

And again in 2003.

And again in 2007.

And then there was this disturbing image of Ricky fondling a fifth World Cup and kangaroos with bloodshot eyes jumping around the world, and at this moment my sanity returned.

Australia had to lose.

For the sake of cricket.

For the sake of a new champion.

For the sake of a Pak-India semifinal.

And maybe for the sake of seeing the World Cup being reflected in the swaying Head and Shoulders sponsored hair of Afridi, Kamran Akmal swooning at the beauty of the moment and Shoaib Akhtar chosing not to become a popstar in return.


Ps: Yes, no regular posting these days, I know. Just a little busy and might be away for the next couple of days as well..boohoo.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Winning and Winning

Match One:

Under tense circumstances, (but still being brashly optimistic) the Deshis take the field. The South Africans post a goodish score.

A goodish score is obviously not what the Deshis wanted and so they play the "Heck, we're never going to make it" game and bundle out for 78. Lopsy and Robbie P are so formidable that them living in obscurity some 2-3 years back looks like a miracle.

At the post match presentation, Shakib utters that eternal word of captivating beauty, that word which has dabbled on the lips of countless criminals and rabble-rousers, and in typical movie sense, ultimately led to their their redemption: "Sorry".
He doesn't get any redemption but at least makes it safely to the hotel with his team.
That's better than redemption.

Match Two:

On a naughty wicket in Colombo, the Stanis take on the Aussies. The Aussies think they'll do better than the Deshis and go on to score a hundred more. But, "Sorry", says Umar Akmal. "I've got to be the MoM today and praise me and my bro. Gotta win this game".
The Aussies lose.

Yes they do.

First time since 1999 in a World Cup.

Feels good.

Friday, 18 March 2011

An Ode to Shoaib Akhtar

The earth goes bellowing and screaming
"A stampede of bisons?"
"King Kongs swarming around in tons?"
No twits, it's mad monster Shoaib that runs.
Runs around in skinny pants of cheetah skin,
Throwing up chaos, living his life in sin.

Badass badie the mad monster is,
But better than Godzilla to watch.
So oh, how we will miss him,
Miss him when he's left.
But then he had not much life left with which to brim.
Or more accurately, the limbs weren't a match
For all the toils of a cricket match.

Yet we will remember what batsmen used to remember
"Oh, the screams, the thumping hearts-
That awful time before the mad monster's over starts."

Red Bull gives you wiiings.
Ps- The last two lines of the poem come from Max Fatchen's poem 'Look Out', a poem I'm crazily obsessed with. And no, of course he didn't talk about a mad monster bowling, I changed that part.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Windies, the Heartbreakers

Really, that didn't feel good.

The Windies just drained my anticipation of celebrating an England elimination through the gutter.
Sulieman Benn, you effin giant, why do you run like you're to be dealt with the bat of Vivian Richards? I can't comprehend why. Neither what England are doing in this World Cup.

I've had this feeling about England being the intriguing clowns of this World Cup, but clowns who eventually fail when it's time for their final big act. I so anticipated about being confirmed about this, but now I might have to wait till the quarters for that to happen.

And for all the right reasons, I hope they play a quarter final against the Stanis. Imagine that, cricket's two greatest jesters taking over the field and displaying the most enjoyable kind of insanity and buffoonery. Plus, to finish all this Stani-doppelganger business and see who the real Stanis are.

It's bad, bad for the Windies too. Gutted for them on missing out on a chance of becoming heart throbs. But still, they get the picture of the match.
It's Andre Russell who walks in the air on rocket shoes.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Biff's Hatemail

Sender: Just a Saffa supporter..will make no mention of Minki and your weight.

Hello Boofus Biff,

Did you just notice that nickname? It's alliterative. I love alliterations.

But since you're not a literary person and therefore might get easily bored, I'll quickly jump to the serious business. In addition to that I promised above that I won't mention the fact that you're an absolute walrus who appears to devour watermelons as candies, I will also not try to kill you with online-operated laser technology.

So, it's safe to continue and read. And we can talk serious business.

You've been pretty crap of late, haven't you? I mean, your batting- one hopeless gigantic pile of horrendous crap. I don't know why that might be, cricket experts are telling me it's a temporary mid-career phase and that your average will soon start ballooning again. But...that doesn't solve the problem. Particularly when we are playing a bloody World Cup.

Then there's another problem. We can't drop you because you're the captain. Though I normally support the policy which states that captains are not undomitable creatures who reserve a place in the team for all eternity regardless of how they play, I don't want you to go as yet. You're a bit of a good captain and chucking you out right now would feel like kicking out a senile and rusty emperor in the last year of his rule. That's so very impetuous.

Plus, because of you, Illegal King Hash has to speed his innings and sometimes resort to playing silly shots. The same goes for AB and our 'fantastic four' or top order isn't really a fantastic four when only two dudes are performing, And then our middle order has the capacity of sucking big.

And yes, Jakes is being a fat useless walrus too. But not as useless as you currently.


A serious well-wisher and giver of free advice.

Ps: "Smith is a total chop, if he bates like this in the quarter finals we coming home.Drop the chop now and get someone that can bat.Smith is the ACHILLIS heal of the team"

Pps: I didn't write the above comment. Did you really think my spellings are that bad?

Saturday, 12 March 2011

A Case of Errupting One's Brain

I'm high.
I galloped over galaxies in the sky
Where Indians were frying Nehra into a braai.

The stars melted into pots of gold,
Bronze statues of Robbie P stood everywhere,
A couple of Steyn ones were also near.

Rainbows came cascading down,
Illegal King Hash became the sun at dawn,
The world was glorious with a gold-tipped crown.

The load was great, my skull grew fissures.
There was kaboom and my brain spat out,
Tidbits of it on the wall.
But for a joy well fought,
A bit of brain less wasn't the end of it all.

Friday, 11 March 2011

The Poms Are Kind of...

The Poms.


They're one bag of riddles and absurdity in this World Cup.
Otherwise they wouldn't have lost to Ireland and the Banglas, but at least Andrew Strauss can go back to being all diplomatic about his campaign to resurrect the weak cricket nations.
Or saying "We still believe we can".

All teams apparently believe they can win this World Cup. It's an essential statement every captain has to make but most of the time translates to 'No, we don't really because we know we're crap and all and we feel queasy when it comes to big games, but we have to say it to look self-confident and optimistic, which is so trendy for every sportsman.'

So the Poms might have to believe they can, or the British press will have the time of their lives (criticising is so much easier than praising unless you're a thoroughly trained sycophant)- therefore, the Windies absolutely need to win against them.
Comparisons to the Stani team are appearing alongwith a victory reminiscent of 1992 so they need to be stopped NOW.

There's only one Stani team and that's it. The Poms need to be proven as a bunch of amateurs in the field of being interesting and insane.
They're slowly becoming even likeable for some.

And this is something I felt like making. Because at least yesterday I could laugh heartily.

The joy of watching Strauss despair.
Ps- Rubbish title, I know. It's the Poms fault though.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

On Choking And A Saffer Problem

Time I finally wrote about a few horrors.

The first horror I had *that* day was the obnoxious catapulting of this tennisball of a thought in my head "Now I'm going to have to hear that word again." It sometimes feels even worse than South Africa actually losing.

I've read writers rambling about removing the choker word from cricket's lexicon because it's become cliché, but don't expect journalists to abide by that anytime soon. Oh no, the word choker alone induces a series of uncontrollable laughter and images of slap-stick comedy losses performed by the Saffers over years. Don't let's do away with that.

The thing is, if choking is just a form of losing, and one where a loss occurs for a team that was expected to win and among other things succumbed to anxiety and agitation, then it would be a pleasure if it were used for other teams as well. Because every other team now and then loses this way. So maybe South Africa did choke that day, but so have others. For examples, read the King's post.
For now, I'm stopping about this exhaustive thing.

Coming to serious business, South Africa do have some genuine problems and the biggest one is that their middle/lower order is like pudding for kids. Too wobbly, too unstable.
Interestingly, it's one of the reasons Boucher was left mulling in SA, so we could have a bazooka of a batsman taking over and stabilize this order. Didn't happen then because neither Faf nor Ingram nor Van Wyk are superman batsmen. They're okay, but just not blokes like Razzaq or Mussey. And blokes like them we need.

It's not a question of skill I reckon, but it's like they're too afraid to parade around relentlessly with a bazooka. You need guts for that and currently they're doing a good job of not employing those. Wimpiness is our middle order's greatest weakness now I think, and though it's not impossible to win a World Cup while that factor remains, it can make the task a whole lot difficult. And it's not as if it isn't difficult enough already.

So to our batsmen, go borrow a few matchsticks from Cap'n Shahid and have a few fireworks. Fireworks looks pretty.

Pretty indeed.

Monday, 7 March 2011

This is Eating Me Up

We had South Africa's game yesterday, a lot happened, and I still haven't posted. So I thought I'd let you all know I'm not hiding (come on, why would I?) only have some bloody work to do. No time, no time.
Hopefully serious posting tomorrow because I have to spit out a few things. It's corroding slightly inside.

In the meanwhile I found this interesting picture to ponder over.
Since everyone is so loving it to talk about choking, here's a picture where Faf is caught trying to do it literally. And of all persons, Robbie P.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Why South Africa Should be Supported

If I dictated the rules of cricket fandom, it would of course be obligatory to support South Africa all the time. But for now I'm staying away from pipedreams and just making one request: Support the Saffers Tomorrow.

Why you ask?

I'll tell you why.

Tomorrow we are playing the Poms. As you all know, the Poms must be beaten. If the Poms are beaten, there's a dramatic increase in their chances of early World Cup elimination. Which consequently will result in elimination. Which consequently will result in fewer South Africans, Indians and Stanis wanting to play for the Poms. Which consequently will result in fewer grumpy people. Which consequently will result in a happier world.

You get the idea.

And you will also support them because Illegal King Hash plays for them. Look, he even has a white palace.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Sunil Gavaskar's Masterpiece

I'm guilty of not blogging after the Saffas' game yesterday and it's got slightly to do with the game being in the morning. Morning games often mean I'll miss them and then have to catch up with the arduous task of trying to get some decent highlights somewhere.

Anyhow, I didn't miss much.

The Boofus Biff was scratchy again, Haircules got out quickly again (yes, 'again') and Hash and AB as usual had to do a revival job in their own fashions, one as I read on Cricinfo like a 'sage' and the other like a 'surfer boy'. There's nothing particular about that except for that it invokes a image of King Hash the Illegal meditating in a yoga posture on AB's surfboard, who's gliding over the sharks in yellow-and-red striped swimming trunks. I mean, just like the unbearable colours on his website.

So I'll save your time and just bring to notice the best moment of the match.

It was a piece of Sunil Gavaskar's commentary brought to my notice while reading a forum. It's peerless in being uncomprehending and hilarious, which is actually quite difficult to do nowadays considering Danny Morisson and Co. exist.

It goes like this. AB who is playing the amazing energizer bunny rabbit again, loots Loots (sorry for the pun, I couldn't resist it) for three consecutive sixes.

Memories of Gibbs hitting six sixes are immediately conjured up as AB reaches the possibility of doing it and Robin Jackman quickly says "Now don't let us mention it yet."

Gavaskar then thinks he should say something too. So he takes Jackman's sentence as a cue and starts prattling on about Gibbs' six sixes and the possibility of AB doing it too.

Either he's become deaf by sitting in the commentary box besides Ravi Shastri, or he's a bit slow.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

The Poms Had A Cunning Plan

Strauss appears in the doorway of the press room.

"Before we start this, I implore you all to stay absolutely silent while I speak. Kind of like shutting up."

Before a nonplussed audience, he then smugly parades to the table and drops himself in the chair. He smirks.

"I know all of you reporters here think I silenced you for a sincere apology. That is bollocks, total bollocks...STOP IDIOTS. You do not write this. You write what I tell you to write, that's how it works. Just like my team plays how I tell them to play."

The room starts buzzing with murmurs of match-fixing.

Strauss beams now. His cleverness just knows no limits, he's twirled these media fatheads around his finger; he knows it.

"Aha, gents, your socks have jumped off your feet now, haven't they? But that's how it sits. We deliberately lost yesterday so....STOP IDIOTS. In the name of the Queen don't write match-fixing. You'll phrase it as 'The Benevolent Self-Sacrifice of the English to the Irish'. I'll tell you all why."

Strauss takes a pause to allow the anticipation for the grand moment to sink in. He smiles at the thought of how he's kicking ass better than Colin Firth.

"Gents, I ask you these serious questions. How many interesting matches we've had so far this tournament? 3. Did we play all of those three? Yes. How many times were minnows involved? Twice. How many times did we win? Once. If that doesn't ring a bell in your heads, you're all bigger prats than Colly who's the only one who thinks we didn't lose deliberately for the better good of cricket and therefore a MUCH greater cause."

The room starts buzzing again.

"Yes people, pick away a tear at that. I, Andrew Strauss, single-handedly decided to bring back cricket to life. I scored that 158 against India despite losing more calories than Bressy has in his entire body. I dropped O'Brien yesterday. I am the new Gladiator and together with my loyal Poms, we'll revive cricket including Associate Cricket. Colly we will of course banish to Ireland because he's a ginger and probably even a leprechaun and can therefore not be a part of our campaign. That's how it sits, now write your stories and Toodles to y'all."

He dashes to the door where suddenly O'Brien enters, rips of Strauss' head and puts it on a stick.
"I was amazing. I was Genghis Khan with pink hair. I was why Ireland won and the bloody English lost. That's what you write down, nutters."

He marches out and Colly follows out, throwing gold coins to the audience.

"I shall be the saviour of cricket and have a statue of myself made at Madame Tussaud's."

Saturday, 26 February 2011

A Pakistan 'the Good, the Bad and the Ugly'

The way the Stanis are winning these days must be scaring at least some teams their pants off. Because the Stanis are winning despite their typical derangements, and any team which can win without playing very sane and consistently adhering to the ritual of doing something oddball, is, well as I said, SCARY.

Yesterday's game was one where the Lankans might have been tipped to win, but instead they now have to rue the loss of Chamara Silva who has reportedly been strangled. Hahaha, Sangakarra laughs manically, he hates tortoises.

Towards the goodies, badies and uglies now.

The Good

- The Stanis winning. Their madness is the most likeable when they win, and we need likeable madness in cricket. Oh, absolutely.
- Batting. The 'Stanis can bat' tag is now permanent.
- Misbah-ul-Haq is batting like he's the bloody captain and that's great because he isn't.
- Shoaib Akthar. He told me if he's going to take a fiver this World Cup, he'll give me a free flight over Madagascar.
- Hafeez getting runout. I didn't see it, but apparently it was the best case of a couple of players' brains getting stolen by an evil bogeyman (you have to believe in those) for a few seconds.
- Cap'n Shahid. I think he can bowl.

The Bad

-The fielding. Today I'm introducing the 'Stanis can't field' tag.
- Umar Gul. Ever since I heard about his legendary reverse-swing, I've seen a bowler being loved by the batsmen more and more. Too, too expensive.
- Misbah-ul-haq still has the audacity to try and play *that* shot.

The Ugly

Kamran Akmal looking like a pistol in a jumping pose. Pistols fire and cause destruction but Kakmal was crap yesterday so it's a shame he's trying to look like one.

"Go get that ball, ye scoundrels or I'll fire myself."

Say Hello to Imran Tahir

Ladies and gents and chickens and hens, South Africa have just introduced their new and immaculately polished product. It's golden-sprayed at the top and is claimed to be a leggie.

It's called Imran Tahir.

You are very welcome to think that I'm a very late+lame advertiser or product introducer (I've never been a brick in marketing names. You're welcome to enlighten me), but that's probably because my other occupations have still not been reported to the police.

Anyhow, Imran Tahir.

I'm not going to delve into how bloody awesome he is, or the angles and peerless techniques of his bowling. It is enough to know that the Aussies are trying to kidnap him, so we are guarding him in a cage made of T-rex bones and the Boofus Biff himself keeps the keys with him. Ps- don't even try Ricky. The BB bites and doesn't even brush his teeth.

What I'm more interested in saying is that South Africa should actually play him now that they've let us all say hello to him. Does it feel great to say 'hello' to a new bloke only to later learn he's been locked away in some murky cellar? I think so not.
It looked slightly insane to play with three spinners against the Windies, and not because we reputedly only have doorknob-fiddlers. The idea behind it likely was to put the three of them under scrutiny. Not so stupid then, but none of them really failed. Robbie P will still be the guy having to move out, and probably because Botes thought he'd take a couple of wickets. Cunning robot.

The second thing about Tahir was him kissing the Protea badge, while he is a Stani. I'm very cockahoop about him playing for us, but he can keep those Figjammy works away from the public, else the public is going to think he's cocky and a traitor. And he doesn't look like a cocky traitor even though I'm massively opposed to his suspicious-looking dyed hair.

I thought you'd say hello to his wife too, who is also the reason why he's in the Saffa team

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Just Remember the Name...

Sadly, few will remember the embarrassing Pom exploits we had yesterday (except for people who have an overobsession with being nit-picky and writing essays on fielding errors) but that's how things are. People rarely remember the things they should and quite often remember things they shouldn't because what we shouldn't is almost always so darn interesting...
Okay, I'm wandering away there, but it might be due to the last stage of fever that's currently biting off the edges of my brain. But I like to think I'm still perfectly sane.

Anyhow, I was talking about remembering something that ALL of you should, and it's not the Pommie gobsmackery. It is the name of Holland's hero yesterday which I've been seeing shamelessly mispronounced and misspelled (one s or two ss? I really can't be bothered).

Calling him Tendo is the easiest way out and I'm okay with that because he uses it on his own website and it's the best way of referring to someone when you have no freakin idea how to spell or pronounce his name.
But when you say 'Ten-Doo-Skatay" then I'm just declaring war. Haha, yes, hide under your quilts you criminals known as Sanjay Manjrekar and Nasser Hussain. I'm coming over to give Dutch lessons till you look like orange bunny carrots.

And if the rest of you don't want to have Dutch lessons and look like orange bunny carrots, call him Tendo or "Tun-doo-s.." This is horrible. I realise there is no 'g' sound in English like the one we have in Dutch. Which means none of you can pronounce it. And I should forgive you all.

This must qualify as my worst post ever and it's because of a fever I think I have.

Just call him Tendo. He appreciates that.

Sunday, 20 February 2011

Who Wants an Associate Chicken Legpiece?

I know that's weirdly titled, but that's how I was thinking when Sehwag was gobbling up Bangladesh like marshmallows. And then I had to ponder over the poor fate over the not so strong sides participating in the cup, and how their genocide will gradually start, and how I will be left with a queasy stomach...

Ps 1-But not if it's South Africa doing it. I'm allowed to be biased.
Ps 2- My word, just see how Kenya were roasted today.

So that actually had me thinking whether the poor lads were better off playing a World Cup or not. If I were a chicken, which is something very queasy to imagine, I'd hide under berry-bushes rather than have myself fried into a BBQ. I would of course be a very coward kind of chicken but it'd at least save my life, but that's CLEARLY not how the Associates think.

They're brave chickens.

They want to fight the tigers, the elephants and the king kongs of the world.

They usually end up being fingerlickin' good tidbits, but sometimes they actually can peck out the eye of the monster they're facing.

And that's why some of them need to be given the opportunity.

But now the ICC doesn't want plucky chickens to parade in cricket world cups anymore and have reduced the number of teams to 10.
In one way that's okay considering I don't have to see chickens being devoured so often which is repulsive and slighty boring.
But it's not very nice to the Associates who aren't really fond of being left out like that. Some bloke from Cricket Kenya said:
"We are disturbed about the whole issue."

I told you they are brave chickens. Now they're cuckoo chickens too.

It's not smart if you want to develop cricket in other countries, (but it's not as if the ICC was ever very concerned with that anyway)- 12 teams could at least have been allowed. Or if that is too big a request, what do the smart gents think of allowing the Associates play against the Test nations apart from a WC occasionally?

It's necessary because without the chickens cricket isn't really global.

And because I love chickens.

Friday, 18 February 2011

After the Opening Ceremony

I looked somewhat like this.

Less colours and dance, and probably an elephant race with the captains would have been pretty damn cool.
But they don't do damn cool things then so very often.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Furball Monsters for WC Support

I'm slightly bored.

Or maybe I don't have much of an idea what to write so I'm staying silent, but staying silent for a bit too long gets all too weird, so I thought I'd say hello with this post and most nobly ask all of you whether you'd want one of those silly furball monster cartoons to show your support- like the one I have in my sidebar.

I know most of you are grownups...but still. You don't need to get all grownuppy in a World Cup. So if you feel like, ask me what you'd want to be written in the support banner and let your gigantic support for your WC team shine high and eye-dazzlingly bright through this monster on your profile pics of whatever wonderful social network, website or thing on the internet you're using. You can also paste it on your waterbottles if you want, of course.
That makes you so more childlikey and so less grownuppy which is pretty cool.

Okay, I'm going mad, but here it is:

Ps. I know the original message being erased isn't looking neat but that's easy to be changed. Didn't feel like doing it right now.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Salman Butt the Commentator

After hearing the news that Salman Butt is going to be doing a commentary job for a Pakistani sports channel, I must confess I seriously feel he has the audacity of a true bastard.
And he doesn't even look like one.

So what would one do if one's misdeeds were placed all exposed before the world to see? Normally, the criminal cringes first with shame. And then he does his best to become a recluse and save his face to become the endless target of deploring looks and a PCB chairman's froggy smiles. (Ijaz Butt teddies are even up for sale nowadays to hug the poor criminals whom no one wants to hug).

Salman Butt is clearly not following that normal procedure and he cites him having the need to earn a livelihood as the case and using his 'experience'. If he'd be sharing his unusual and rare experience of how to act suave and then get involved in spot fixing, then that's believable. But his cricket knowledge? I'm not sure how many would want to hear of that.
The only fun watching him on TV would be trying to discover the tiniest traces of remorse on his face, which is unlikely.

And oh, he doesn't deserve half a million for the job.

Lalalala, say the ICC. We're not listening.

Hello, I'm Salman Butt your commentator for the night and will present you with my nauseating views on how to earn money through any use or misuse of cricket.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

The Endless Confusion That Imran Tahir's Hair Creates

Imran Tahir has hair on his head. I'm sure you noticed.

But yesterday, before he left for India I noticed it's like electrocuted dry grass.
Why does it look like electrocuted dry grass?
Has Imran Tahir an over-obsession with hair gel?
Does Imran Tahir have an even greater over-obsession with hair dye?
Does Imran Tahir's hairdresser regularly treat porcupines as his clients?
Does Imran Tahir look in the mirror before he leaves his house?
Did Graeme Smith scare Imran Tahir by appearing in a ballet outfit at Shane Warne's musical?

You tell me.

Everything seems possible.

Hi, I have weird hair.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Pakistan's Batting is Perplexing Me

It's been a while and some of you must have noticed, but the Stani batting scorecards are no longer the bloody sheets with mathematical figures that predictably surprise you. And that they no longer are, is what surprises me.

A while ago, about 5 games in a row of an ordinary Pakistani season went like this in terms of batting:

All tipsy-turvy and crazy the way it's supposed to be.
But now, since the past couple of series, it's like this:

In the series against South Africa earlier, they didn't record a single below 200 score.
In the series against NZ, including the Tests, they've done it only once.

I haven't paid much attention to the current series, and just noticed a few good individual scores, but I think it's time to start believing in miracles again.

And remove the 'Stanis can't bat' tag.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

A New Outfit and How Graeme Smith Murdered His Cake

I think it's forbidden to keep high hopes from outfit designers to do anything half-decent.

Because however much you try to think they'll probably have learned from the stinker of a uniform they previously created (morone french green for instance) they will amazingly succeed at creating something even more revolting.
Such as the new outfit of the Proteas

Clearly the importance of good attire is nothing to them.

It's so horrendous that most of the Proteas weren't even bothered to look in the camera, and I actually figured out a whole lot going on there. Certainly, and the focus will particularly shift to Graeme Smith who was the B-day boy and something sinister going on.

                                                                 The not-so-little discoveries

The anticipation.

The dogged determination.

The eventual murder.

Monday, 31 January 2011

Cricket < Fairytales. Right Now.

This might be kind of a nothing post, but that's probably because I'm feeling bored like now. In regard to cricket.

It's so serious that I've turned to googling Tim Burton films and feel like watching that rainbow sizzling Alice in Donderland or something again. It feels creepy to feel slightly demented and there actually is some cricket going on and the World Cup is approaching.....yet.

Yet I feel like watching Alice in Underland.

I think I can partly blame it on the most brilliant devour-cricket-until-you-vomit-it tactic of the year; 15 tests between Australia and England in two years. Snotty faced nitwits.

World Cup predictions are also absolutely nothing for me. I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'm a Nostradamus Nutjob.
I think I've got something to say about the format, but that's something serious and I'm revolting against writing serious cricket right now.

So maybe it's just better to do nothing right now and watch some nitwits in Alice of Wonderland.

But here's a picture of the Cheshire Cat who I happen to love.
Just like that.

Hello, I'm a cuddly clever nitwit.

Friday, 28 January 2011

Save Afridi

The PCB, being the incumbent plonkers that they are, have set one unlikely campaign of saving Captain Crackpot going. It sits like this. The PCB basically got overwhelmed by the 7 in a row fifties of the man who's never learned to play a paddlescoop his entire life and are contemplating whether this Test skippie might do better than Afridi in the World Cup.

I'm quite interested in knowing where PCB storehouse of lunacy is located. For fun I'd squander it among the less privileged, wise people on earth.

But what was I saying, the PCB are massive idiots for what they're doing, even though them being so idiotic in gigantic proportions is not a novelty so I need to tell myself to get used to it. But I think I can't because Afridi has been groomed for ODI captain since more than a year, has actually done well, and above all, actually tried to take his batting a bit more seriously. Despite him being psychotic, he remains the best ODI captain option.

Misbah-ul-Haq isn't even a permanent ODI fixture, and added to this he's just captained for a morsel of Tests, so even thinking about it is bollocks.

I was overwhelmed to know our favourite Potato captain Inzi had something to say about this and it bloody does make good sense. Though I have to say these Stani players have a thing for fights and squabbles; drilling away like mad at the small fissure only the delay of naming a captain has caused.


It's time the PCB got their crap right.

This post was supposed to be published 3 days ago, but it wasn't to be because of some bloody annoying internet complications which have not finished as yet.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

Yusuf Pathan is linked to Beastiness

With South Africa winning there comes the natural inclination of turning all beasty and talking about the six pack abs of the muscled giant our team is. Don't laugh. They will smash your nose if you will.

But then I thought of what happens when you're beasty.

I think my mamma told me once a beast then comes to fetch you.

Something like Yusuf Pathan.

Who is actually a comparatively nice monster.

And looks like this.

They'll have him replicas of him in the market soon; furry beasts to be cuddled to death. Something which I'd gladly done if he had entirely butchered and conquered my poor Saffer boys today, and he nearly had.


Friday, 21 January 2011

Our Mission Men for the CWC

Right, time we talked about this South African WC squad.

It isn't one of the sort which would send me screaming to Andrew Hudson's house with a bazooka in my hand, because there is some sanity in the selection. That, and I'm not really fond of killing people.

Mark Boucher isn't in it. Jakes didn't throw a tantrum this time, but in sad fairytale words, one of the three dreams of these two besties, to win a World Cup, is gone now. I feel for you Bouch, I know how it is when the villain sniggers at the end of the story.

The villain in question, Andrew Hudson, had brains enough to choose an extra wickie in the form of Van Wyk, just in case AB breaks his back.

The only uncapped player making it is Imran Tahir and seeing how much he's played in the series against India, he might remain uncapped. Excellent, and at his cost Robbie P might get a few games to play. South Africa are ready to this just because it portrays a kind of maverick genius when you leave your dream spinner with real talent for a bloke who can only bowl lollipops and shows his face in a cricket field once a year.

"Hello, I'm here to torture you all again."

And then they say Robbie P is there on 'merit'.

Seems like they also got really enough of Albie and although he's been crap since a while, I do feel for him. They have been treating him like a dead germ in the bathroom since a while now.

What really amazes me is that this is what 4 years of development to the next CWC has led to. An uncapped player, two domestic players who have played under 10 matches, and Miller who they persisted with, has been dropped. With some of this madness, we might actually win a World Cup.

But South Africa does look in a shaky shape.

And I don't know whether one needs to be happy or sad about that.

The entire squad:
Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, AB de Villiers (wk), JP Duminy, Faf du Plessis, Colin Ingram, Jacques Kallis, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Robin Peterson, Dale Steyn, Imran Tahir, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Morne van Wyk (wk)

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Why I Wouldn't Touch the WC Trophy

Because a whole army of germs is living on it. And when it comes to germs, I'm as paranoid as Howard Hughes.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

SA Can Do With a Few Beatings

It's not that I enjoy beatings, it's just that a few occasional drubbings can be very good. Especially when it's scarily close to a World Cup.

Yesterday I luckily didn't turn into a spewing rageball because my brain considered it more worthwhile to consider what half-baked business South Africa actually did out there and what they could learn from it (and drubbings are for learning.)

First, it's better to admit that Yusuf Pathan was one effin ferocious King Kong out there who chucked South Africa into chaos. Cool dude and I'm glad he overshadowed his brother who I don't happen to like. Yeah, in the words of a smug Yusuf, get lost Irfan. It's my ass-kick time.

But now to our problems.

The squad combination was okay, finally Faf Du Plessis got a game and now he's even in the WC. Good guy and he's got a palindrome as a name. But when Smith will feel like fulfilling his damn dream of seeing a talented spinner like Imran Tahir play is apparently still open to speculation and might not be till the WC. Reeks of stupidity, give the bloke at least one bloody game.

When we dropped catches and got scared of balls racing to the boundary was where the tumble started. India took stunners in the field and there we were, letting no less than 3 catches go down. Jonty Rhodes is ashamed of you.

Botes was expensive again and gradually I'm getting assured he is a vulnerable to-be slapped bowler in situations like yesterday's match. Sorry Botes, but since those villains said you couldn't bend your arm a few degrees more, you've not been so very effective. And I don't like it.

The PP wasn't very funny either, and I assume they didn't take notes from the first two games. It's amazing why you always have to wait till the end to take it.
Morne was a rare consolation of the game and he even messed it up towards the end. But I'll blame Twatthajan for being so very capable of hitting sixes at times for it. Bah.

The WC squad is out too, but word on that later. The selectors have been playing tiddlywinks with it.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Cartoon: Should You Love Shane Watson?

Shane Twatto Watson has put is all in an incredible dilemma by changing himself into a.... well, better player. He's always been a good player but no one ever sung lullabies at night for Twatto, no one ever blew a kiss towards Twatto, no one had ever loved Twatto. So he did his best to change that. And now he asks you whether you will love him. The choice is yours.

Let's Kill the Chokers, People Say

The dear Protea boys always turn into overnight villains whenever they lose a close one. And there's no greater pleasure than seeing the many villainous shapes they take before their staunchest, die-hard supporters.

I collected a bunch for your pleasure:


Didn't I say before Biff would me made a square-headed idiotic calf for whatever happened? Yes? Yes.

"The Proteas did it again; managed a loss when it was impossible to achieve that... how do I explain that to my chimpanzee?"

That's strange. I didn't know people keep chimps as pets, and even if they did that chimps ask explanations for everything.

"What kind of proteas are these?

Certainly not King proteas.
More like Blushing Bride proteas.
A pathetic performance from a bunch of over-hyped primadonnas."

Blushing Bride proteas, I like that. I'd give anything to see Biff in a bride's wedding gown.

It's odd, these comments make it feel as if these fellows only start watching cricket as soon as our Proteas start losing. Because then they can be bashed, criticized and after having been cut into pieces, fed to little tiddlefish. Don't even mind them winning more games than losing, really don't...

Friday, 14 January 2011

A Rare Thing

I see the Aussies won a game against the Poms. That's very good.

I also noticed a certain Aaron Finch playing well for Australia yesterday. It's a shame, I always had thought Aaron Finch was someone who played for the Kiwis, but I guess the other Aaron must have been one of the numerous name-sharers in cricket around.

Coming to the bigger shame and other name-sharer, Shane Twatto took two bloody wickets and is slowly stamping his improving reputation as a T20 bowler all in our faces. Brett Lee, on the other hand, is vastly improving in convincing the selectors it's time he didn't play anymore. It's also time he got it in his head to retire with grace.

And Cameron White, he doesn't know what he's at. Ever since Punter lost the Ashes a couple of weeks ago, the Aussie captains are doomed. Forever. That's why Pup lost the fifth game and White can't play T20 anymore.

Yousuf Kicked Out

The wording might seem a bit harsh, but that's how I'd feel if I were MoYo.
For goodness' sake, the Stanis are so out of their bloody minds to not play their bearded uncle, and I'm serious about this.

You even won't want to consider why they're doing this. "Oh yes, because he was the epitome of ODI batting crappiness this year, averaging only a teeny-weeny 17 something, you say. I don't take that. Out of all the Stani batsmen, only three appear in the top scorer list of Cricinfo and none of them average above 35.

And if you want to forgive Uncle MoYo and fight his case, just like me, I'll go ahead and say 9 of his 10 games were played on either Australian or English pitches, and as everyone knows, that's where batting averages go all awry. In addition to this, it was like getting your butt cooked in Baba Yaga's cauldron for Pakistan in Australia, and with MoYo the captain there, nothing helped him much. 2009 was pretty piss poor for him too, but the years before he was awesome and there's no reason why he could not return to his season of awesomeness very soon. Just look at what Mussey did.

Apparently, he won't even play in the WC now. That's just an atrocity because Uncle MoYo is like a mentor, a calmness providing winged guardian, so having him out of the way is probably what a few Stanis like.  It's punch party for them when MoYo is away.

Among other squad news, Misbah returns to eliminate Pakistan from the WC with his scoops and Kamran Akmal is back to spread some mischief.
It's time all you Stani fans out there started praying.

MoYo is going to slay all you scoundrels who oppose him

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Tsotsobe is a Chocolate Hero

Yesterday showed there are no ODI monsters in Durbs for the Saffers, so that's one thing I can be relieved about. Not that I believe in any monster save Twatto.

The Indians were like wobbly playdough on the field but didn't get much help from losing the toss either. Dhoni really sticks to the basics and winning tosses is certainly something he doesn't want to make a habit.

But now we come to Tsobie winning the Mommy for his 4 wickets.
As all of you are well aware of, Tsobie is a chocolate hero. He's quite unlike the chocolate Santa Clausses I got as a kid because those were only fit to be devoured, head first. Tsobie takes wickets, gets nice bounce and is in pursuit of making SRT his bunny. And anyone who is capable of making SRT his rather cuddly bunny, should be given a trip to Jupiter for free. (I mean it in the good sense. Planets are without pollution and thus awesome to visit).

CSA has been toying with the positions and heads of several bowlers lately, namely Rusty, Parny, Tsobie and McLaren. It's demented they've left Rusty out considering what he's capable of as a death bowler but then they might've become secretly aware of Rusty's plans to take over the world. Monsters.

At least both Parny and Tsobie are being given chances, but it's really one of the two who can make it to the WC squad and chocolate hero looks better for that spot. And not because he's Makhaya Ntini's so-called successor. Because he's a friggin good bowler and he deserves to be there.

And because I love chocolate.