The Poms Are Kind of...

The Poms.

HAHAHA.

They're one bag of riddles and absurdity in this World Cup.
Otherwise they wouldn't have lost to Ireland and the Banglas, but at least Andrew Strauss can go back to being all diplomatic about his campaign to resurrect the weak cricket nations.
Or saying "We still believe we can".

All teams apparently believe they can win this World Cup. It's an essential statement every captain has to make but most of the time translates to 'No, we don't really because we know we're crap and all and we feel queasy when it comes to big games, but we have to say it to look self-confident and optimistic, which is so trendy for every sportsman.'

So the Poms might have to believe they can, or the British press will have the time of their lives (criticising is so much easier than praising unless you're a thoroughly trained sycophant)- therefore, the Windies absolutely need to win against them.
Comparisons to the Stani team are appearing alongwith a victory reminiscent of 1992 so they need to be stopped NOW.

There's only one Stani team and that's it. The Poms need to be proven as a bunch of amateurs in the field of being interesting and insane.
They're slowly becoming even likeable for some.

And this is something I felt like making. Because at least yesterday I could laugh heartily.

The joy of watching Strauss despair.

Ps- Rubbish title, I know. It's the Poms fault though.

The Poms Had A Cunning Plan

Strauss appears in the doorway of the press room.


"Before we start this, I implore you all to stay absolutely silent while I speak. Kind of like shutting up."

Before a nonplussed audience, he then smugly parades to the table and drops himself in the chair. He smirks.

"I know all of you reporters here think I silenced you for a sincere apology. That is bollocks, total bollocks...STOP IDIOTS. You do not write this. You write what I tell you to write, that's how it works. Just like my team plays how I tell them to play."

The room starts buzzing with murmurs of match-fixing.

Strauss beams now. His cleverness just knows no limits, he's twirled these media fatheads around his finger; he knows it.

"Aha, gents, your socks have jumped off your feet now, haven't they? But that's how it sits. We deliberately lost yesterday so....STOP IDIOTS. In the name of the Queen don't write match-fixing. You'll phrase it as 'The Benevolent Self-Sacrifice of the English to the Irish'. I'll tell you all why."

Strauss takes a pause to allow the anticipation for the grand moment to sink in. He smiles at the thought of how he's kicking ass better than Colin Firth.

"Gents, I ask you these serious questions. How many interesting matches we've had so far this tournament? 3. Did we play all of those three? Yes. How many times were minnows involved? Twice. How many times did we win? Once. If that doesn't ring a bell in your heads, you're all bigger prats than Colly who's the only one who thinks we didn't lose deliberately for the better good of cricket and therefore a MUCH greater cause."

The room starts buzzing again.

"Yes people, pick away a tear at that. I, Andrew Strauss, single-handedly decided to bring back cricket to life. I scored that 158 against India despite losing more calories than Bressy has in his entire body. I dropped O'Brien yesterday. I am the new Gladiator and together with my loyal Poms, we'll revive cricket including Associate Cricket. Colly we will of course banish to Ireland because he's a ginger and probably even a leprechaun and can therefore not be a part of our campaign. That's how it sits, now write your stories and Toodles to y'all."

He dashes to the door where suddenly O'Brien enters, rips of Strauss' head and puts it on a stick.
"I was amazing. I was Genghis Khan with pink hair. I was why Ireland won and the bloody English lost. That's what you write down, nutters."

He marches out and Colly follows out, throwing gold coins to the audience.

"I shall be the saviour of cricket and have a statue of myself made at Madame Tussaud's."

What everyone's thinking about the match-fixing

Stop being happy, I’m back already.
And sadly nothing of the match-fixing business has disappeared; I thought staying away from all of it for a few days might exterminate the whole thing. It didn’t help just like closing your eyes when a mad bison comes charging at you doesn’t.


You have to admire though how everyone wants to become popular through this spot-fixing issue. Everyone’s thinking and talking about it, like these blokes:


 Haroon Lorgat- “All those curmudgeons and dunderheads are saying the ICC is responsible for this controversy. Which I know it is, but bloody won’t owe up. I’d better ban those three rabble rousers for life to show how competent we the ICC are.”


Figjam- “The selectors are ***** for dropping me but I still rock because I made the headlines despite that ridiculous scandal going on. And now I’m going to get more followers on Twitter than Biff the muppet.”


Nathan Hauritz- “I’ll die if it comes out that those fifers I got were fake. Oh..boohoo...now Ricky might not let me play the Ashes and Sid might even stop loving me.”


Pss; trust me she won’t Nate. Here’s a hanky.


Mohammad Aamer- “This is so bad. I didn’t know it would become all so bad. I thought the man was trying to raise charity for the flood victims."

But I still feel bad for him.


Kaithapram Damodaran Namboodiri- “My movie plan is in ditches because there’s no Pakistani bowler left who I could use in my movie. Wait, how would Rana Naved ul Hasan do?”

                                  "Me for the hero, please please pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasee!!!"



Mohammad Asif- “Damn, I always get in trouble. First the drugs, now this crap, why don’t I just join the Sicilian Mafia or the Russian Brotherhood. I’ll get richer that way and it’s better than playing dirty cricket.”

Veena Malik- “See how those other actresses are burning with jealousy now that I got myself in the news. And now I also can get more publicity by bringing up the story of that cheat pinching my money again. Ha, who laughs last laughs best Asif.”


Shane Watson- “I’m so shocked at all what happened. Just imagine if I had got involved in this business-Oh, every miniscule feature of my body would have cringed with utter disgust and my heart would have stopped beating by the unspeakable shame of it. I feel like crying.”


Stuart Broad- “This is TOTALLYDAMNEDBULLSHIT which has besmirched my amazing century. I need my Daddy.RIGHT.NOW!!!!”


That was Broad exploding by the way.

Andrew Strauss- “This is too bad for our Ashes preparation, and the Ashes we just can’t lose. Maybe we should fix the games?”


News reporters- “We’re so glad we now have finally got an interesting news story which we can exaggerate a hundred times and show a hundred times to the viewers till it comes out of their ears.”


Sunny- “I bloody have got enough of it and feel like watching a game of cricket in Paradise without match fixing and lots of tea to drink.”