Thursday, 28 October 2010

The cloning of the previous match: 2nd T20

Pakistan batted first.

Pakistan batted shit again.

Imran Farhat might never get an average above 8.

Shahid Afridi might never acquire even o.1 percent sanity.

Lopsy did wonders with the ball.

Rusty did even greater wonders.

SA's top order shuddered.

JP and Ingram controlled things.

Shoaib Akhtar sweat more than Ishant has water in his body.

Misbah is doomed to play that ridiculous half-scoop shot and will only be granted redemption if he paddles down the Nile with the same movements.


Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Ingram defeats Stani Madman: 1st T20

You wonder how Shoaib Akhtar is still alive. As a cricketer, I mean. Apart from his body's Freddie like capabilities, you'd think the PCB would have been able to exterminate him from Pakistan cricket by now, but he has miraculously survived. Nothing more than proving he's a monster for real. Cool.
Even cooler was that over of his were he got two wickets, and with it you could wash down the shit that Pakistan's batting was. I wasn't really pleased (damn, remember you had to be the best batsman AB?), but few things in cricket are as good to watch as a sweaty Shoaib taking wickets and imitating fighter planes. Woohoo, an F-16 with oil spluttering over it. Fabulous.

Right, can we now come to the gazillionth time towards the Stanis batting woes? They've got serious problems, as you already know, but the seriousness of the matter is emphasized by how they tumbled to 120 runs after such a fantastic start. I really need a model of Afridi's brain too, and figure out whether common sense exists there at least in 0.1 percent. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed.

The Saffer batting looked a bit sick at the start (but that happens when Boofus Biff is on the screen), but if you thought they would lose, then you forgot about Ingram. Aha, Ingram. Yes, great lad isn't he? He even made JP look nice. Or maybe it was JP actually getting some runs which made him look nice.

Saeed Ajmal kickstarted the scary fielding episode of the Stanis again, but the fielding still won from the batting. In scoring bad marks, that is.

So that's it from here, I'm really looking forward to seeing today's match, hearing Waka-Waka blare across the stadium, see Rusty advancing in his world domination, and also see Mohammad Asif invading the stadium while Veena Malik sings ballads on the roof.

Monday, 25 October 2010

SA vs Stanis Mentals

South Africa's season against Pakistan FINALLY starts tomorrow. For me, that's after three bloody years of waiting, as after those series in 2007 where the Stanis ridiculously lost the last one dayer, I had scampered off to search for the next series dates and that was 2010. Time passes, doesn't it?

Anyhow, these series are so highly anticipated because I have all the reasons in the world to watch them. The Saffers and Stanis are two teams I love watching see how they take the shit out of other teams, so that normally puts me in a sort of dilemma when they play each other. My support tilts normally in the Proteas' favour, but a Stani win doesn't disappoint me then so much. How nice.

I'm predicting it to be a wonderfully exciting series, so you absolutely need to know what I think will be happening through this Mental preview.

Matches- Alright, the tour starts with two Twenny-twennies, the first to kick off tomorrow. After that we have 5 ODI matches which will most likely not be rained off because it's pretty hot in the UAE, as it is in India, but unlike India, it almost never rains there. After that we've got 2 tests and the idiots behind this I fail to recognise. 2 tests are worse than having to do with a half cup of tea.

Expectations and all that blah- Aha. If the Stanis were playing in the Saffers' backyard, I'd say they would be losing easily most of the games. But since the series is in the UAE, I expect at least one drawn test match and a few Stani wins. It could be the opposite too of course, I've never fancied playing the role of Nostradamus.

N- I'm going to imagine something for this N. Later.

T- Same goes for T.

Ass-kicking abilities (both teams)
The Saffers are usually heartless juggernauts when it comes to bilateral series. Batting looks great at the moment, especially with Hash and AB in form.
There are a couple of young lads too, and they're all trying hard to play the World Cup.
The Stanis are always busy locating their lighter, and the moment they do, they'll ignite themselves. And then they will win. Bowling still looks their best part, and then there's mad monster Shoaib still running around. You wonder how he's still alive.

Losing abilities
If Rusty doesn't continue with his campaign of conquering the world well, the Saffers might be in trouble with their bowling. Wait, there's Dale and Morkel...but how the UAE pitches will work for them I don't know. Get yourself an Imran Tahir, idiots.
Buffalo Biff might be a factor too. If he grows warts on his nose, he will be running around with his hands on it instead of picking at it, as he does now.
And the Stanis? Batting....batting.....batting.....fielding. Don't mention.

I know it's a bit of a lousy post probably, and I'm doing it after several days, but someone's come to stay at my house for a while which basically makes it a privilege to getting some time on the net. And I can't have my guest running away from my place either. I know the booby traps of Home Alone otherwise very well, you know.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

The Return of Younis

The twitchy dude who retired from T20s more than a year back and later on got kicked out of the team for supposed unprincipled behaviour is back. WHAT? What do you mean what? We're talking about a Pakistani player here, so don't be surprised.

I knew Younis would be back. If mad monster Shoaib got back, then for Younis it's an easy peasy job. Of course there was this big brouhaha about him not complying with the universal PCB laws written and ordered by Beefy Butt, but now it's over and he's ready to play in all three formats of the game.

All three formats of the game.

Dear me. I think I'm losing track of the amount of Stani players who retire from one format and after a few months are back to play again. Afridi will be back for the Tests, folks.

"Fight me if you can cowards, I'm back to be captain again."

Younis also says he's "not in the race for captaincy". Now well, filthy fibber, is that the same as saying you're not interested in the job but smugly think they should be giving it to you all the same? You're going to be Stani captain in one year again Younis. At least in one format.

Interestingly, Younis is coming at the expence of MoYo going out. Out of all people, MoYo. Just when I thought victory had belonged to him he suffers this harmstring injury. MoYo was the winner because he very cunningly 'retired' after the PCB banned him unlike pleading his case as the others did, and wonderfully he was the first to return. So that's how you go to work morons, using the inexplicable power of the protest to get your thing done.

Gandhi would have been proud of you Moyo.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Ijaz Butt skating on Pakistan cricket's Ice Rink

Opening Cricinfo's article today about Ijaz Butt, the first thing that caught my attention was this line saying "how thin the ice is that the Pakistan board is currently skating on."
I immediately picturised a weird image which I bothered to draw.

The ice is thin, the man skating on it is heavy, and nothing looks hopeful.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Hash, Ingram, Taylor and the bowler clobbering

This match yesterday was all about batting, batting and batting. Which is horribly wrong, like making the bowling an outcast in the game.

The Saffers batted first after winning the toss and it was all Hash after that who wanted to show you how much he's still in form. He really is and he is the guy who is going to win us that World Cup finally. Remember, he might really turn out to be the prodigy to do it as he hasn't played for the Proteas in a semi or final so far. That sums up my very accurate prediction.

Biff playing made me realise why it's better he isn't captain because whenever he is, he feels he doesn't need to do much except for tinkering with his nose when his bowlers are getting clobbered over the field. And then telling us despite this happening that " patches with the ball we were very good, and at times we drifted a bit." A bit? It was so much drifting that the balls could have ended up in my backyard, otherwise Zimbabwe wouldn't have got till 287.

287. Doesn't that look scary? Taylor batted wonderfully, but the rest didn't do much, and of their bowlers Masakadza was the only one to get wickets.

The best part of the match was probably Ingram's knock. 124 on debut looks great. It doesn't only look great, it is great. It might have been Zimbabwe, but it was obvious the boy can bat and even better, it  means JP will have to play for his life. That, or he gets kicked out.
Miller got rid of his 20s disease too and scored a nice fifty, so that completed the batting festival.

I nearly forgot about Rusty, who made his debut too, and got 3 wickets. Better than all the rest.

The Saffers may have won, but I'm a bit scared of them facing the Stanis later this month now. Because they are no more than just good at the moment.

Thursday, 14 October 2010

A Captain's Diary: Punter Version

13th of October, 2010.

07.00 am

Dammit. It's one of those days when a man should be lying in bed instead of waking up and getting one's ass kicked by Indians. Just to clarify, it's NOT my ass. I have been fantastic all these series, it are those other duds who think they can wear a baggy green without doing something formidable. Seriously, I wonder who these kids get their inspiration from. Me or Bryce McGain?


These meals in India are just horrible. The curry is almost coming out of my ears, need to tell my wife to send me packaged lunches from Oz.
Haha, Mitch just passed by and while he was looking away I dumped all of my food in his plate. When he gave that dumb questioning look of his I told him he will need all those calories today for putting in an epic performance. Of course I was clever enough not to give him my self-endorsed Swisse vitamins, those are only for me.

12.00 (lunch)

As expected, Mitch and Nate have locked themselves up in the washroom ever since they got out. Saw Dougie smuggling some food to the closet, and took it as an opportunity to drag them all out. After that I delivered one of my best pep-talks and Georgie Porgie Custard and Pie even asked an autograph afterwards. I'm going to become commentator after all. Maybe even the next President of America.

I've got all those poses practised already. That watch costs $ 640 btw.


Come on, get some wickets losers. Especially you Nate, take advantage of the brilliant field I've provided you with.

15.00 (tea)

Called up a few cricket mates and Pup to discuss what excuses we're going to make because this Test is totally lost. Don't have to forget to mention how good I played, how good Sachin played and how bad all the newbies felt for their stupid work. Only solace I can grant to them. But I don't think it's funny at all. Don't they realise I might get fired before I'm able to set Colly's head on fire in the Ashes?


Shit, shit, three billion times shit. We lost. 


Warnie should buy some brains. What does he mean I don't know my field placements? Nate just bloody can't bowl. If he has a problem he should talk on the phone, not on that Twatter thing.
And now he's saying we're still mates. Like as in mates again? What do you mean fat finger lickin' halfwit? I don't want to be mates with someone like you. Not that we were ever mates in the first place, you never shared your pizzas with me and tried to show everyone how I couldn't play your spin bowling. Get lost.


Today I also told people they should realise I'm still the best bloke to lead the Aussies. I'm the most experienced, the most capable and the most ingenious and above all, I'm the most dedicated Aussie player around. But apparently no one gets that.

(i don't think i got my times right, but does that matter? i've got more important things on my head).

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Rusty for ODIs and a few other things

I knew Rusty's purple hair would work wonders. He's been selected for the ODI series against Zimbabwe now.
True, the selectors didn't see him parading around with his fancy hair colour, but does that matter? Anyone who sees Rusty instinctly knows purple looks fabulous on him.
But now he will be playing for SA in the ODIs and that is brilliant.
What not so brilliant is though that neither Jakes nor Steyn will play. Dale can be excused but Jakes? Any opportunity for a greater fitness level cannot be ignored.

In other news, the Aussied lost to India, and probably for the first time in my life, I'm feeling a bit sorry for Ponting. Not much, only a bit.

Since I've had it a bit tough with posting since the last couple of days, I can only use the technique of anticipation a bit and tell you what I might be talking about in a few days to come. I know it's a dirty trick, but Shakespeare used it and so can I.
I might be posting up a first complete comic soon and it will be about Shoaib Akhtar and Ijaz Butt. You can already sense there's something creepy about that. Then I might show you a bit of Ricky's diary or even tell you about when I got invited to play for an international cricket team. Because gloating is fun.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Zimbos nearly embarrass Proteas

It's a delayed post about yesterday's Protea match. Reports this late don't hold much of a value so let us have it in brief.

  • Biff played a nice little knock again. He's going nowhere for now.
  • Neither is Duminy. That innings of 96* was pretty awesome but it was against Zimbabwe and he needs to do it more often.
  • Botha is suffering from the ineptness associated with South African captaincy. It's because it is contagious and Smith wasn't put in quarantine.
  • Zimbabwe kicked SA merrily around for a while and nearly won.
  • But they didn't win.
  • It was because of Rusty's last brilliant over.
  • And Rusty would look really cool in purple hair.
  • You can see all of his cool James Bondness creeping out.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

Marcus North cannot be deciphered

Marcus North is a strange guy. When I saw him playing for the first time against South Africa, I thought he was a friggin fantastic player because he scored a hundred against the odds. Since then,  I'm trying to make up my mind whether he's this superman who still hasn't unleashed all his potential, or he's just a scum who should be a part of Warnie's pizza.

North plays in a very unusual rhythm, most of the time he's basically crap, but when he feels that the world is going to turn up at his door next day and after strangling him in his bedcover throw him in the Lake of Loch Ness, he decides to do something strangely wonderful. Like hitting a century when one is needed. Or taking six wickets and getting his name on the Lord's honour board. Or flying in a red cloak around to distract opponents.
You can see it happening, his strangeness is already messing up my mind.

There's a phantom under his helmet to which he's talking to.

Today he was this plain weirdo again and scored a hundred against India. Which means the selectors are not going to drop him for the Ashes and the smart badass manages to retain his place again. And possibly all at the cost of having another shit run again before scoring a ton in the third Ashes Test and being considered brilliant for a while.

What it is with North remains to be deciphered, but it's an incomprehensible mystery we might have to put up with till he retires. (Yes, he is going to RETIRE not going to be kicked out of the team because his strange playing ways make it impossible.)

Saturday, 9 October 2010

All the Rustiness...

South Africa's season finally kicked off yesterday and they're off to a great limping start already. A grossly great damned limping start. I can't call it much else considering they let the Zimbos flow to a score of 168 even if they won by seven wickets afterwards.

Saffers aren't really good at opening their season in majestic style, therefore they hire about every year their neighbours to play some cricket in their grounds, and normally treat it nothing more than the equivalent of some practice. Our new robot captain, Botha, however said they're going to take this game very seriously. So seriously you saw the disastrous results of it creeping out yesterday.

The bowling was total rubbish. Parnell took a couple of wickets but was too expensive, Rusty is mad, and Morne twisted his ankle. He wanted to be in the hospital with Albie.
The lousiest part of the match was South Africa's fielding. Normally supersensationality and alertness is associated with their fielding, but yesterday it was just HORRENDOUS. No wait, that is an understatement; it was so atrociously pathetic that even three blind mice with rheumatism would have done better. Shame on you all.

"Morne, I never even went to the hospital. It's a shame I know will have to take your place in the side."

An interesting part of yesterday's game was observing how Biff would go about things now that he isn't captain anymore. Cricinfo called him an 'anonymous' presence on the field (anonymous with such a size? Don't let me laugh), but I bet he was smirking there in some corner of how Botha's first day as captain was being battered into little horrors.
'Haha', he thought, "See how everything is going in tatters for Botes. The moron probably thought he could take over the job from me, but through his calf-mindedness today and probably in years to come people are going to revere me as the wonderful past captain."

If Biff was a complete doofus he had probably not scored that fifty later on and helped SA win the match. But a small functioning part of his brain figured out that the selectors can really kick him out of the team if he doesn't perform because he isn't skipper anymore. Get it? There was the glory to get too of course. Smith considers it to be a gigantic cheeseburger now.

I felt sorry for the Zimbos though. They played really well and probably deserved to win more than the Saffers, but they don't have to worry, Grant Flower is coming tomorrow to kick some real ass around.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

ICC Oscars and A Twatto Comic

It was the ICC Awards time today and all of you can go now and dance a wild can can with your mom's shoes on and fire crackers even if it isn't Diwali. That is for all you SRT fans. In the meanwhile I'm going to put a few crackers in Swanny's pants.

The super excitement for this super important event couldn't build up the way I wanted because I thought the awards were on the 8th. But somehow, they had them today and they were much more agreeable than last year. Last year was just the time when you wanted to stuff the whole selection panel in Haydos' sweaty shirt and bowl them to Virender Sehwag.

Not this year because the winners chosen makes sense. Kind of.

The ICC Cricketer's of the Year is Tendulkar. Was that even a question? If Tendulkar didn't win this time, war could have been declared on the ICC. He deserved it, simple as that.

For the Tests, Virender Sehwag won. The Indians are really ruling this thing, just as Sehwag rules every bowler who thinks can bowl to him. But boy, this man was amazing throughout the year. I just hope he is tired now and plays rubbish when India visit South Africa. Otherwise Harro's World Cup dreams are going to be entirely ruined.

The ODI award went to AB de Villiers. Aha. Finally a Saffer. Some might say he was the wrong guy to be chosen for this, but he gobbled up a whole lot of runs this year so he deserved it. Talking of AB, I've no idea how his performance on stage went, but even hearing about it was a complete shocker. I can smell Lee burning from here. Learn the virtues of sharing Binga, is it the end of the world if AB too becomes India's favourite out-of-country singer boy?

There is something about Twatto too. He wasn't spotted at the Awards, but he knows all about it and is very concerned.

Monday, 4 October 2010

When the Gunther was nearly gone

Andre Nel can't stay out of the headlines despite getting retired. And this time it isn't the typical story of his evil Gunther going berserk and consequently cannoning spitballs at opponents, it's one where the Gunther tried to kill Nel himself. Yes, he attempted to commit suicide but failed.

Not funny.

Nel/Gunther and suicide don't fit quite together. No person for that matter, but Nel in particular not. He'd seem more like the bloke who'd be able to run suicide therapies or become a Samaritan's worker, running all over the world and snatching the nooses from people's necks.

No, he didn't put the knife that way.

So Nel, what you did before the suicide might have been an utterly senseless and stupid thing to do, and some media folks might be worse than stinking hounds, but suicide? No please.

And now I just read that a buddy of notorious fixer Mazhar Majeed commmited suicide. Suicide appearing twice in cricket in three days is just not good. Not good at all.