Biff's Hatemail

Sender: Just a Saffa supporter..will make no mention of Minki and your weight.

Hello Boofus Biff,

Did you just notice that nickname? It's alliterative. I love alliterations.

But since you're not a literary person and therefore might get easily bored, I'll quickly jump to the serious business. In addition to that I promised above that I won't mention the fact that you're an absolute walrus who appears to devour watermelons as candies, I will also not try to kill you with online-operated laser technology.

So, it's safe to continue and read. And we can talk serious business.

You've been pretty crap of late, haven't you? I mean, your batting- one hopeless gigantic pile of horrendous crap. I don't know why that might be, cricket experts are telling me it's a temporary mid-career phase and that your average will soon start ballooning again. But...that doesn't solve the problem. Particularly when we are playing a bloody World Cup.

Then there's another problem. We can't drop you because you're the captain. Though I normally support the policy which states that captains are not undomitable creatures who reserve a place in the team for all eternity regardless of how they play, I don't want you to go as yet. You're a bit of a good captain and chucking you out right now would feel like kicking out a senile and rusty emperor in the last year of his rule. That's so very impetuous.

Plus, because of you, Illegal King Hash has to speed his innings and sometimes resort to playing silly shots. The same goes for AB and our 'fantastic four' or top order isn't really a fantastic four when only two dudes are performing, And then our middle order has the capacity of sucking big.

And yes, Jakes is being a fat useless walrus too. But not as useless as you currently.

Cheers,

A serious well-wisher and giver of free advice.

Ps: "Smith is a total chop, if he bates like this in the quarter finals we coming home.Drop the chop now and get someone that can bat.Smith is the ACHILLIS heal of the team"

Pps: I didn't write the above comment. Did you really think my spellings are that bad?

A New Outfit and How Graeme Smith Murdered His Cake

I think it's forbidden to keep high hopes from outfit designers to do anything half-decent.

Because however much you try to think they'll probably have learned from the stinker of a uniform they previously created (morone french green for instance) they will amazingly succeed at creating something even more revolting.
Such as the new outfit of the Proteas

Clearly the importance of good attire is nothing to them.

It's so horrendous that most of the Proteas weren't even bothered to look in the camera, and I actually figured out a whole lot going on there. Certainly, and the focus will particularly shift to Graeme Smith who was the B-day boy and something sinister going on.

                                                                 The not-so-little discoveries

The anticipation.

The dogged determination.

The eventual murder.



SA Can Do With a Few Beatings

It's not that I enjoy beatings, it's just that a few occasional drubbings can be very good. Especially when it's scarily close to a World Cup.

Yesterday I luckily didn't turn into a spewing rageball because my brain considered it more worthwhile to consider what half-baked business South Africa actually did out there and what they could learn from it (and drubbings are for learning.)

First, it's better to admit that Yusuf Pathan was one effin ferocious King Kong out there who chucked South Africa into chaos. Cool dude and I'm glad he overshadowed his brother who I don't happen to like. Yeah, in the words of a smug Yusuf, get lost Irfan. It's my ass-kick time.

But now to our problems.

The squad combination was okay, finally Faf Du Plessis got a game and now he's even in the WC. Good guy and he's got a palindrome as a name. But when Smith will feel like fulfilling his damn dream of seeing a talented spinner like Imran Tahir play is apparently still open to speculation and might not be till the WC. Reeks of stupidity, give the bloke at least one bloody game.

When we dropped catches and got scared of balls racing to the boundary was where the tumble started. India took stunners in the field and there we were, letting no less than 3 catches go down. Jonty Rhodes is ashamed of you.

Botes was expensive again and gradually I'm getting assured he is a vulnerable to-be slapped bowler in situations like yesterday's match. Sorry Botes, but since those villains said you couldn't bend your arm a few degrees more, you've not been so very effective. And I don't like it.

The PP wasn't very funny either, and I assume they didn't take notes from the first two games. It's amazing why you always have to wait till the end to take it.
Morne was a rare consolation of the game and he even messed it up towards the end. But I'll blame Twatthajan for being so very capable of hitting sixes at times for it. Bah.

The WC squad is out too, but word on that later. The selectors have been playing tiddlywinks with it.

Let's Kill the Chokers, People Say

The dear Protea boys always turn into overnight villains whenever they lose a close one. And there's no greater pleasure than seeing the many villainous shapes they take before their staunchest, die-hard supporters.

I collected a bunch for your pleasure:

"SMITH AT HIS PERSONAL BEST DOING WHAT HE DOES SO WELL PLAYING HIS ONE MAN GAME NO MATTER WHAT TAKING TOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG TO MAKE RUNS FIRE THE MORON HE ONLY HAS PERSONAL RECORDS NO TROPHYS FOR THE TEAM OR SA IDIOT." 

Didn't I say before Biff would me made a square-headed idiotic calf for whatever happened? Yes? Yes.

"The Proteas did it again; managed a loss when it was impossible to achieve that... how do I explain that to my chimpanzee?"

That's strange. I didn't know people keep chimps as pets, and even if they did that chimps ask explanations for everything.


"What kind of proteas are these?

Certainly not King proteas.
More like Blushing Bride proteas.
A pathetic performance from a bunch of over-hyped primadonnas."

Blushing Bride proteas, I like that. I'd give anything to see Biff in a bride's wedding gown.

It's odd, these comments make it feel as if these fellows only start watching cricket as soon as our Proteas start losing. Because then they can be bashed, criticized and after having been cut into pieces, fed to little tiddlefish. Don't even mind them winning more games than losing, really don't...

Draws can Suck and an Overview

Draws are like malaria on a holiday. Not always, but in this series which was the most momentous one of the Saffer season, it certainly was. This was the series I've been waiting for ever since the schedule was announced and this was the series where South Africa were supposed to chase away India from the number one spot. Statistically, or just in the way of acquiring that aura where you can walk around like untouchable overlords. Didn't happen then.

After this drawn match, it seems like both Indian and Saffer fans are massively pissed off. Because both India and South Africa have been gigantic bums by not playing bravely and going for a win instead. Admirable bravado like putting one's life at stake to save the empire would have been awesome. Really? I'm not sure. Neither wanted to lose, neither wanted to win, and they ended up drawing.

Barring the shame that the last day of the last test was, the series was actually very nice. And all nice things need to be looked at again.

Cricket doesn't want a Champ

I think cricket and I mutually have come to the point where we think a best team isn't required. Three series between India and SA since 2008, all drawn. Today I've proudly become a supporter of the Union to Preserve Cricket From a Waugh Aussie Team Forever. Join it brethren, for cricket's sake.

Jacques Kallis is not Stupid

Did I ever say he was stupid? No, because that'd be blasphemy for a Saffa cricket fan, but I won't make a secret of this that I find him a bit boring to watch and I've never been his greatest fan. But after this series, I tell you this: JACQUESKALLISISONEEPICBATTINGSAMURAI.
Yes people, and he is destined to usurp and overthrow SRT in batting greatness. Don't blame me for thinking so, Jakes convinced me he will.

Dale Steyn can Bowl

I bet you Ijaz Butt's insanity on it, he can. And he does it so well it's better than watching fighter jets do their airborne ballerina show on a national day.

There's something about Sreesanth

And it's more than him being the dancing, muttering crackpot he is. He managed to piss off someone like Boofus Biff, and above that he bowled well bar the first Test.

Other little overviews are:
* Ishant Sharma's hair. How he sees with it is a mystery.
* Twatthajan got 7 wickets in an innings.
* The Saffers and Indians tried a miserable form of sledging which was nearly as bad as the commentators we had this series. Shutting up- not that difficult.
* Virender Sehwag didn't have a good series at all. He's Dale Steyn's fat bunny rabbit.
* Boofus Biff didn't get anything more than a few 'confident starts' and he still is Zaheer Khan's even fatter bunny rabbit.
* Tsotsobe is an okay pacer but Harro needs to go for a spin rehab.
* Another drawn series means another wait for the next. Dammit.

The South African players wave you a hearty goodbye.

CT Test 1st Day: Biff and Zak are BFFs

Nice score on the board by the end of the day, 234/4 looks reasonable, and again we have much to thank the man with the mop for it.

But wait, before we proceed there's something which needs to be addressed. Boofus Biff got out on 6 lbwued by Zaheer Khan. AGAIN. It's as if Biff has decided it's an inevitable process doomed to be repeated till eternity.

It's understandable that some bowlers have their bunnies, but Smith under no cirmumstances looks like one, hence it's ridiculous to call him one. Bunnies might get offended also.

Therefore, I think it'd better to say Biff and Zak are BFFs, oh entirely, they're always after each other. Surprisingly, Biff is often the more generous friend. He doesn't even try to play Zak well, saying before the series he doesn't make a special plan for facing him.
That's something only the genius of Biff can decide- when being crap at something you just continue with it until you've reached bottom level. And then you can't get any worse.

Among other big news, MSD finally, finally won a toss before preparing to enter another toss drought. At least he's making improvements compared to Biff.

Sree also took two wickets today. When Sree takes wickets, I feel it's time he got devoured to piranhas, particularly when he only has to take them against South Africa.

AB, the Umpires and Biff's Brain

AB scored 278 today. Well. Well, well. 278 might look an ordinarily excellent score but not if you take the story of the two blind umpires and the one of selfless Biff in account. Because now it's become almost a fairytale.

The story is one where on the first day of the second Test, two old men responsible for surveillance of play on the field turned blind. Just blind, all of a sudden, and I can tell you the Basilisk wasn't slithering around anywhere. Because of this AB didn't get out twice when he should have been, and so he decided it was time to get out a bulldozer and flatten the tiring Stani bowlers to crushed cornflakes. Stani fans now think the time has come to dump Umpire Asoka in some Chilean mine and don't inform the rescuers about it.

Alright, he was a lucky lad, but about 200 runs followed in which he was just bloody brilliant, everything made even more brilliant by Gul involving in conversational skills unknown to mankind. Thank you Gul, thank you AB, thank you Mike Haysman.

Nothing was over, however. AB made 150, 200, 250, oh boy, it just wasn't enough. AB was running on the galaxies with Bolton owned Nike sneakers and all around it was raining lollipops. Then they called him for tea and AB didn't want to bat anymore, but the all-wise Boofus Biff said 'Damn that rubbish. You're going to play, break my record and allow my goodness to prevail.'
So AB went out and did it. The 300 was in sight...nearly there...and then the lights went out.

Okay, can anyone now explain to me the workings of Boofus Biff's brain? Don't worry, I'm prepared for a very complex evaluation. Or maybe I'm not, so here's what I think. See, if you know the Saffer cricket watching folks you'll know plenty of them don't really like Biff. Biff doesn't like that either, and he's got his reasons because they'll just blame him for everything. Even if he scores a thousand runs, and the team loses he's a brainless calf with a square head. Today was thus the opportunity to spread some love and show he doesn't care about his milestones and let AB get it. It was still generous and most unScroogelike I'd say.

As to about not letting AB get to 300; I don't know. It really wasn't a matter of 3 or 5 overs dictating the match's result, so according to me it was plain brainlessness. Strangely, AB said
he was a happie chappie with what he got and didn't look ahead to the 300. Yes AB, we all know you're a team man, but come on, we really could have done with a Saffer getting 300. It kinda sucks seeing none of our batsmen have got more than 278 while Lara's got 400 and the rest 300 plusses. The shame of it.

Pak vs SA: The Suspicious Numeros

The unfairness of Test cricket is that due to its long duration you're not able to watch the entire game, which means you miss chunks of the it. Which also means you can miss the most lovely parts. Which happened twice in the course of this match with me, when the Saffers lost 8 wickets for 73 and the Stanis 8 for 72.

Cheaters, you say. Aha.

Of course getting mathematical figures so close in cricket is very suspicious, particularly because mathematical figures are difficult to duplicate. And with our brains already being automated to perceive most things suspicious where Pakistan is involved, this all forms an oversuspicious situation that demands investigation. Beefy Butt will of course blow up at this. Bastards, he says, this was Pakistan's pre-planned thing so it isn't their fault they batted second. Also, batting collapses are something absolutely Stani-like, so replicating them is plagiarism. Sue the South Africans.

But before your delicate brains become too intertwined in this strange story of matching numbers, let me explain today's day in a simple way:
Pakistan was rising. But then started tumbling. And tumbling. And tumbling. Until they there was no more tumbling left to do. It were Harro and Botes who pushed them, but Morne Morkel it was who dragged them all along.
Finis.

Well not exactly finis because I'm ending this post with pictures.

Paul Harris prayed for wickets..

...but half of them went to Botes, even though he had dirty yellow teeth and had smeared the toothpaste on his face.

Morne Morkel had to look dangerous and awesome, so he grew a pair of extra arms.

But then Biff cried because he wanted a pair of them too.

Hash, Ingram, Taylor and the bowler clobbering

This match yesterday was all about batting, batting and batting. Which is horribly wrong, like making the bowling an outcast in the game.

The Saffers batted first after winning the toss and it was all Hash after that who wanted to show you how much he's still in form. He really is and he is the guy who is going to win us that World Cup finally. Remember, he might really turn out to be the prodigy to do it as he hasn't played for the Proteas in a semi or final so far. That sums up my very accurate prediction.

Biff playing made me realise why it's better he isn't captain because whenever he is, he feels he doesn't need to do much except for tinkering with his nose when his bowlers are getting clobbered over the field. And then telling us despite this happening that "..in patches with the ball we were very good, and at times we drifted a bit." A bit? It was so much drifting that the balls could have ended up in my backyard, otherwise Zimbabwe wouldn't have got till 287.

287. Doesn't that look scary? Taylor batted wonderfully, but the rest didn't do much, and of their bowlers Masakadza was the only one to get wickets.

The best part of the match was probably Ingram's knock. 124 on debut looks great. It doesn't only look great, it is great. It might have been Zimbabwe, but it was obvious the boy can bat and even better, it  means JP will have to play for his life. That, or he gets kicked out.
Miller got rid of his 20s disease too and scored a nice fifty, so that completed the batting festival.

I nearly forgot about Rusty, who made his debut too, and got 3 wickets. Better than all the rest.

The Saffers may have won, but I'm a bit scared of them facing the Stanis later this month now. Because they are no more than just good at the moment.

Zimbos nearly embarrass Proteas

It's a delayed post about yesterday's Protea match. Reports this late don't hold much of a value so let us have it in brief.

• Biff played a nice little knock again. He's going nowhere for now.
• Neither is Duminy. That innings of 96* was pretty awesome but it was against Zimbabwe and he needs to do it more often.
• Botha is suffering from the ineptness associated with South African captaincy. It's because it is contagious and Smith wasn't put in quarantine.
• Zimbabwe kicked SA merrily around for a while and nearly won.
• But they didn't win.
• It was because of Rusty's last brilliant over.
• And Rusty would look really cool in purple hair.



You can see all of his cool James Bondness creeping out.

All the Rustiness...

South Africa's season finally kicked off yesterday and they're off to a great limping start already. A grossly great damned limping start. I can't call it much else considering they let the Zimbos flow to a score of 168 even if they won by seven wickets afterwards.

Saffers aren't really good at opening their season in majestic style, therefore they hire about every year their neighbours to play some cricket in their grounds, and normally treat it nothing more than the equivalent of some practice. Our new robot captain, Botha, however said they're going to take this game very seriously. So seriously you saw the disastrous results of it creeping out yesterday.

The bowling was total rubbish. Parnell took a couple of wickets but was too expensive, Rusty is mad, and Morne twisted his ankle. He wanted to be in the hospital with Albie.
The lousiest part of the match was South Africa's fielding. Normally supersensationality and alertness is associated with their fielding, but yesterday it was just HORRENDOUS. No wait, that is an understatement; it was so atrociously pathetic that even three blind mice with rheumatism would have done better. Shame on you all.

"Morne, I never even went to the hospital. It's a shame I know will have to take your place in the side."

An interesting part of yesterday's game was observing how Biff would go about things now that he isn't captain anymore. Cricinfo called him an 'anonymous' presence on the field (anonymous with such a size? Don't let me laugh), but I bet he was smirking there in some corner of how Botha's first day as captain was being battered into little horrors.
'Haha', he thought, "See how everything is going in tatters for Botes. The moron probably thought he could take over the job from me, but through his calf-mindedness today and probably in years to come people are going to revere me as the wonderful past captain."

If Biff was a complete doofus he had probably not scored that fifty later on and helped SA win the match. But a small functioning part of his brain figured out that the selectors can really kick him out of the team if he doesn't perform because he isn't skipper anymore. Get it? There was the glory to get too of course. Smith considers it to be a gigantic cheeseburger now.

I felt sorry for the Zimbos though. They played really well and probably deserved to win more than the Saffers, but they don't have to worry, Grant Flower is coming tomorrow to kick some real ass around.

The Saffas Who Are Going Back to School

It's over. The season of lacklustreness which saw potbelly development, unchecked music ambitions and hunting for savages in the wild is OVER. No more late night chicken pasta sessions for Kallis. In other words, the grueling three-month holiday of the Saffers is up. Finally, finally.

The squad for the series against Zimbabwe and Pakistan has been announced and it's time to put all those vacation-freaks under the scanner. All of them except Mark and Herschy who will be crying themselves to sleep together as they watch SA play.

The combined team for the Tests, ODIs and T20s against Pakistan and Zimbabwe:
Graeme Smith - Bulldozer framed captain who had better played well now considering he's soon going to be captain no more. The selectors can really drop you now Biff and then Botha will gloat. 

Hashim Amla - A bearded wonder who conquered the land of the Indians all alone this year. Apart from this a humble bloke who's got wrists that turn better than washing machine spinners.

Johan Botha - Unemotional dude who will rip off his mask in one match to reveal his RoboTech class A body and then blast down buggers who accuse him of chucking. It's cool to have such a guy as captain.

Mark Boucher - Jakes' best buddy and recently kicked out of the ODI and T20 squads because he's been busy figuring out where the handle of a bat is of late. But I still want him back.

AB de Villiers - Got an operation done at the ankle recently which might only have been to insert a bionic part which is to assist him in becoming the best batsman in the world. No. 1 in ODIs already and busy reading 'How to kick Ass in the UAE' these days.

JP Duminy - JP has been sending postcards to the selectors and Ashwell Prince the entire summer and is prepared to play his customary role of the Incredible Walking Wicket again. Prince is on a mission to strangle him in his favourite blanket.

Paul Harris - Weird chinaman and occasional spinner of the ball. Never got to play in ODIs so far but still is hopeful of playing in the 2011 World Cup. He's so optimistic, our Harro.

Jacques Kallis - Oversized allrounder who recently broke his neck in the CLT20 and will come back with one of gold so that the whole cricket world will stand mesmerized by its radiation and worship him instead of Tendulkar. And then he'd alone get sponsored by KFC and be allowed to gobble up all of Biff's apple pies.

Morne Morkel - Supposed to be the next Pollock and Donald. Bowls quite well but if he only could exchange all his no-balls with banknotes he'd be topping the Forbes list.

Wayne Parnell - Escaped prisoner by looks and otherwise occasional diski player. Can take plenty of wickets but usually at the cost of being clobbered all around simultaneously.

Parny is serious about his diski-ing but doesn't know Rusty is pointing towards his next victim.

Alviro Petersen - Gigantic Virus whichmgihtnowbe...aboout2eat ur scrieeeennnn..
That's his malevolent role, his more evil role is being SA batsman. Okay, that 100 in India was damn good so I've nothing against him.

Ashwell Prince - Lefty who's career was ruined by a broken thumb/Makhaya Ntini and then destroyed by JP. But he's STILL back and ambitious to hit a couple of tons.

Dale Steyn - Bloody fast fast bowler who needs to break a few bones of the opposition more regularly. He's too kind for his profession and even sacrificed his head for Bangalore yesterday. 

Lonwabo Tsotsobe - Bowler with undisplayed potential so far. Called Lopsy because you can't pronounce his name without tripping over your tongue.

Colin Ingram - Rookie and plunderer of runs in the MTN40, South Africa's 40-over domestic competition. Don't know much about him yet, but there's much hype surrounding him. You better live up to it boy.

Charl Langeveldt - An underrated and dedicated bloke who's nearly 80 but still manages to produce a stellar performance at times.

See how subtly they have shoved Boucher aside.

David Miller - He's the new guy who made his debut in the Windies and was overall impressive. But there's still plenty of room to be more impressive.

Albie Morkel - Was misused a long while by some top dimwits who only wanted to send him in at 7. Capable of hitting monstrous sixes and even more capable of being hit for them.

Robin Peterson - No idea what he's doing here.

Loots Bosman - He murdered some Poms in a T20 match a while ago but has been playing with plastic daggers ever since.

Heino Kuhn - Replacement keeper for AB in the T20s against Zimbabwe and should be played more often I think. Besides, he's got a name which makes me think of Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

Rusty Theron - Member of the Protected Ginger Species. He smiles very creepily and origin is still unknown, so let me remind you it's better to STAY AWAY FROM THIS FREAK.

So on the overall rabblerouser Gibbs and Bulldog Roelof miss out. Which is no surprise really and Roelof might finally be able to pay a visit now to his alien friends on Jupiter.

AB tells us Broady sucks and Biff is a glutton

I just found this video of AB being asked about some 20 silly questions by Sports Illustrated.
I'm posting it here so I can fulfill my task of doing two posts today and it's already been a while since something about the Saffers has been up here.

I love the fact that AB finds Stuey Broad the most annoying player around. I've also disovered that Biff is the biggest gobbler in the team. Yes, even bigger than Jakes. The last questions just make me wonder why people are always interested in idiotic things.

Smith quits as T20 Cap'n

People love retiring these days. It’s so in vogue, so fashionable and why not do it when people start loving you better then? Biff said “Hell yes!” and he quit captaincy in the T20s. He thought a bit about his poor team and decided in ODIs it would be after the World Cup. He would get kicked out in any case if the Proteas lose again.

People also love speculating a lot and wonder why Cap’n Biff retired. I’m going to pull together a list again ranging from the credible to the incredible:

* 7 years is a long time, and Biff got tired of the monotony of the job. Heck, give him a break and let him be batsman alone for a while.

* Biff too has fallen victim to fragilebodyphobia. He wants to play cricket for some 5 or 6 years more which is impossible without releasing the captaincy burden. He might become a Granny Smith prematurely otherwise.

* Biff knows how important it is for kids to grow up and learn, and after they have, throw them out to see how they take on the challenges of a cruel world. Hash, AB or Johan are ripe enough for this he thinks.

* After trolling SA sport sites, Biff knows people don’t love him anymore. Comments like these scared him off:

“Go to hell Smith! you stupid racist that did nothing for transformation. Pls ask your pals Boucher & Kallis to do Cricket S.A a favour & retire from all forms of the games! Bloody chokers!”
(stolen from http://www.sport24.co.za/ )

* Biff has run out of excuses and hiding places. After another (hopefully not) tournament defeat he’ll be in serious danger. And Polly just won’t tell in which hole he hid after the 2003 catastrophe.

* Biff competes in everything with Figjam (KP). He wants to show him how much better he is at quitting the captaincy job by doing it gracefully rather than getting sacked after a spat with your coach. (Oh between, Smith is also better at dealing with coaches. Remember how he got Mickey away?)

* Biff’s pie expenditure list has been released and as a captain would have been likely to get more flak for it.


Seems to be more than enough reason for Captain Biff to call it quits. Smart man.


Oh hang on, I just found another comment. Looks great:

“BYE BYE SOUTH AFRICAN CRICKET THE LEADER OF MEN WILL BE MIISED IMMENSELY ALL THE PLONKERS WILL EAT HUMBLE PIE.WATCH THE SPACE”

Now here’s a guy who knows how to associate pies with Smith.