Monday, 11 April 2011

An Explanation Behind Twatto's Performance

I had even forgotten the Aussies were playing the Banglas today. I'm quite honestly not even giving much of a toss about the series; I've said before watching weaker teams getting themselves steamrolled isn't exactly one of my hobbies.

Shane Watson of course knows that and so he scores some 185 runs from 96 balls. Including 15 fours and 15 sixes. Will you look at that? I mean, CAN you even look at that?
I first thought Cricinfo had become a victim of a cyberattack to give me such incredible stats, but it turns out it is all true. I shouldn't be relinquishing my idea of dragging Twatto in a potato sack to jail anytime soon.

I do suspect two reasons behind such an insane innings however.

1- Twatto saw the nice pink outfit I've created for him and therefore played this beast of an innings in an attempt to impress me, so that I consequently have mercy on him and do not get him to wear it. On second thoughts though, he might have tried to impress me because he actually wants that I do send it to him because he feels the Desparate Housewife Outfit from company Team Barbie will suit him. Either way, he won't be getting it for free.

2- This was all really a campaign to kick out Bangladesh from the next WC and get Ireland in. Twatto felt if he could literally smack the Bangladeshi bowlers in the ground and mutilate them for life, the Banglas would not be able to play in the next WC. So that's his way of contributing his cent for the Associates' cause.

So, nothing too special about his innings.

Time to move on with life, people.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Hideous Outfits are A Crime

Decided yesterday I'd tune in for a bit of IPL entertainment and hello, the 'Kochi Tuskers Kerala' are playing.

I think I'll try to decipher the genius behind the using of a three-word name for a sports team, but then the Kochi openers walk out and I'm offered something far more important to contemplate over.

Because I see this:

Now if you'd ask me what 'this' is then I'd tell you this is one of the greatest embarrassments in the history of colour matching. This isn't even innovative or funky, this is plain crap. And I don't know how many are willing to sacrifice their eyes for seeing Kochi play, I know I'm not.

I know it doesn't take much genius to understand what is wrong with this thing, but I still felt it needs to be criticised here because getting your team to wear this is a crime.
Quite seriously. I don't think it is okay if someone is made to look like an absolute nutjob before such a large audience (unless we're talking of politicians here.)
BB McCullum should have clung to his bedpost in obstinacy.

I, however, have to see some optimism in the industry of making hideous outfits. It means there is a possible chance of us ever getting to see Shane Watson play in this:

Desparate Housewife Twattonette of Team Barbie, ready to change the world with a magic wand.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Start A Revolution and Kill the ICC

There's been plenty of brouhaha created by cricket's most incompetent and easily dislikeable dunderheads- the ICC. And not for the first time.

Kicking out the Associate Chickens without the slightest ounce of respect and concern beats it all though. This is a hotchpotch of mercenary aims, avarice and depravity all masked by the pretence of 'doing what's best for cricket'. The ICC are in effect criminals and the kind of criminals who cannot be negotiated with. And they do have evil bosses too.

Plus, they regard us true cricket fans as dead germs on the bathroom. Yes, that's what they think of you and me.

Therefore, I propose we start a revolution for cricket's better fate and in a bloody takeover, kill the ICC. Right now, it's the best solution possible because history tells us when they absolutely won't listen to you, you just have to take out your bazooka and deal with matters this way.

Go ahead and shoot the ICC like the spectacled villains they are.
And while you're at it, try looking a bit like a leprechaun.

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Comic: 6 Reasons Why World Cups Are Both Great and Horrible

At last, I managed to finish a first comic.

Read, enjoy, give feedback and spread the love friends.

First, Why They're Awesome:

1. World Cups mean 24 hours of cricket and popcorn.

World Cups mean no more having to watch stinky movies on HBO. World Cups mean something cricket-related will always be on the television and your cricket addicted guts will devour it all until the Yeti will break into your house and take you to some snowy mountains to be devoured along with pasta.

2. During World Cups People Talk more About Cricket Than Paris Hilton and Politics

World Cups are big and exciting, so basically everyone thinks it's cool to start talking about cricket. Hearing so many people talk about cricket the reminds you how cool and awesome cricket is and that it is destined for world domination.

3. Associate Chickens* Get A Chance to Kick Down the Bigger Bullies
The Associate Cricket Nations normally live in a world where they play chicken vs chicken matches. Not in World Cups. In World Cups they enter the coliseum with a mad bison. They usually get trampled over like a handicapped bug, but sometimes emerge as victorious, and the sight of them making necklaces out of the slain monster's intestines is incredible.

*associate chickens are the brave associate cricketing nations as explained in this post.

And now we come to the part which explains why World Cups suck.

4. Associate Chickens Get Slaughtered And Crushed And Mutilated

And this happens more than point 3 with the stronger countries shamelessly behaving like psychopathic dinosaurs who haven't eaten for days.

5. The Advertisements, the Advertisements with Cricketers and Ravi Shastri

This could probably be applied to any big sporting tournament, but the 100 times-in-a-day repetition of some 10 ads and Ravi Shastri bellowing his eternally preserved favourite phrases makes one so mentally deranged and hungry for living a life under a dark cloak of obscurity at the end that it needs to be mentioned.

6. Dealing with having your team kicked out of the tournament

Life starts feeling like one gigantic ball of slime. You'd better be born a rhinosaur millions of years ago or be dead. Especially when you exist with the knowledge that there are people around who can still be drugged with the reveries of their team winning the final.


                                                                          The End.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

On One Win and Two Losses and Little Happiness

Right, I decided it's time to come out of my hiding.

Not that I was hiding in any case though, I mean come on, can you imagine me as a gigantic milksop becoming a recluse just because first the Saffers slaughtered themselves and then the Stanis crashed out too? Of course not.

I quite fancied the opportunity of spewing so many emotional tirades out here, but didn't have time for that. So instead I passed the week feeling like some really rotten egg. But now I have to talk about three things, here we go.

On India's Win Yesterday

I felt like a snotty curmudgeon.
But then those Indian players were such jolly nice fellows for dedicating this Cup to Sachin in their emotional outpourings and gustos, because then I could picture the more endearing reality of Sachin being the sole reason for India's win and Sachin floating around the stadium like a winged Cupid spreading love and goodness and all was well for me.

Plus, I could smugly think how South Africa has been the only team in the tournament to have beaten India, the WC champs, which makes us kind of better than the champs.

Plus, Gary Kirsten was Sachin's sidekick in winning the tournament and he's South African. We're absolutely getting him as our coach now, oh yes.

Plus, I grudgingly have to admit India were quite good. And because of the nice Indian people I know this win has slightly become more bearable. (But you really haven't, Harbhajan Singh.)

On Pakistan's Loss That Day

Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay? Why the hell didn't you take the Powerplay?
Who and what the hell do I believe? Rehman Malik, the people, stupid decisions?

On South Africa's Loss the Other Day

It went like this:
"Aaaah, we're winning this. Yes, 220, I'll take that, I'll take that....oh, Hash's gone..good work Biff and Jakes..NOoo...go, go AB....SHIT...I hate you for all eternity Faf...please, please, please, Botes and Peterson, I implore BAT...another gone..noo...they're losing they aren't....yes they are....shut up they aren't...YOU SHUT UP THEY ARE...and why am I watching this in a friggin hotel room where I can't even break the television? Damn, they've lost....right, hold back your tears Sunny, hold them back...there's other folks in the room..manoevre your way carefully out...go straight to the you can...WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAVE TO HAPPEN?"

But as usual, I forgave them.

And at the End

The World Cup is over, finally.
Bring on a 90-match torture of IPLling I say. YES.

Sachin Tendulkar- like King Arthur, Merlin the Wizard and a nice Hobbit.
So more like a fairytale character than a cricketer.
Ps- First comic will be coming out soon..and it's about the World Cup...