To the Stani batsmen who can't bat

We’ve had it about Pakistan’s batting being total rubbish before. And instead of any reiteration, I can present you yesterday’s scorecard as a solemn testimony.

Since we all know it’s better to guide instead of slamming and criticising someone, I’ll nobly express a few batting solutions for the Stani batsmen:

- Don’t bat anymore. It’s ridiculous and inhumane when someone forces you to do a job you can’t, so why not stage a massive protest and simply refuse to do it?
- Learn how to bat.
- Watch a movie made about Pakistan’s bowlers. It’s a tragedy and shows how they contemplated suicide when you batsmen cocked their efforts up for the umpteenth time. Watch it till you cringe of shame and weep at all the cruelties you’ve done and promise to be better in future.
- Learn how to bat.
- Get a dictionary and learn what focus means. Yeah, stoopids, the thing you do when driving on ridges or attempting to shoot a rare partridge for dinner. Not when you’re dancing a crazy bhangra.
- Go to America to play baseball if you’re so keen on madly sashaying with your bat.
- Learn how to bat.
- Have a one metre wide bat made so you can’t have your stumps flattened, lie flat on the pitch so you can’t get LBW’d, and use bats that can extend by 5 metres through a push-button so you can’t get run out.

Apart from learning how to bat, the Pakistani batsmen wouldn’t be keen on doing the rest, so please, for all what cricket is worth to Pakistan, learn to bat.