The Beefy Butt New Year Greeting

To all the readers and the rest, here is a Beefy Butt with his warmest 2011 greetings.

May you have a fantabulous new year without anyone trying to defraud you.

Second Test, Durbs: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I'm late, I know.

But I couldn't have gone without posting a single thing about the Durbs test, so here it is. I sometimes really make it incumbent on myself to do unnecessary things.

The Good:

We had a result. And we had a good, tight game. When 228 is the highest innings score in the match, you get the picture.

Cape Town is at least not going to be a dead rubber (how very exciting).

Dravid took 200 catches and momentarily took the spotlight from SRT.

I had a day off from watching cricket.

The Bad:

Twatthajan and his wickets. Obnoxious he steadily grows, day by day.

The umpires. Three decisions they messed up and it is rumoured Umpire Davis had consumed a bit too much booze. Honestly.

The creepy thing at Durbs still exists for the Saffers.

The Ugly:

This.

RIP Aussie cricket

Today we're standing out with our umbrellas in the rain to mourn the death of Aussie cricket.

Though in coma since quite a while, only briefly resurrected in Perth, Aussie cricket is now utterly stomped to death. Not even the toenails survive.

Which is why I thought it apt to edit a picture Aussie media published two years back when the Saffers proudly started the coma.

May God forgive them for their sins.

Amen and cry.

Ps: word on the Saffer-India test later. It's even a sadder story, need time to cope with it.

How to Escape the Ashes- Ricky Presents

Ricky finds himself in an unsurmountable dilemma.
He's about to become the most targeted Aussie captain on earth after Australia lose the Ashes (doesn't seem to be a probability any longer) so he had to devise several legal ways of not playing the Ashes anymore. That, or Walt Disney is going to offer him a role in the next Narnia film. (I'm really helping him out only, he's worried about jobs once he's fired.)

There are four ways, some he's used up, but there are a few chances still left.

Break your finger Highly self-sacrificing, but extremely effective. Unfortunately, Ricky went all crackpotty of a sudden and decided that maybe if he played with a broken finger he could become a hero like Boofus Biff. Didn't work.

Be A Good Boy and Pray to Santa Ricky thought it'd work. Christmas time was a time of miracles and happiness, so instead of vitamins and Valvoline, he requested Santa a win for the Boxing Day Test. But poor Ricky had forgotten he hadn't been a good boy at all this year...

Assault the Umpire and Get Banned Ingenious tactic employed by Ricky today, but he didn't know the bastard Match Referee would spoil it all. He was the naughty boy, he heard Figjam's nick through supersonic ears, and Aleem Dar was the criminal. So Ricky foulmouthed him a bit, showed top-class grumpiness, and yet was only fined. ONLY FINED cried Ricky. Not even one ban. Hopeless.

Run Away The most ancient yet useful method- if the bad is coming your way, you run away from it. Zulqy Haider knows it damn well.

"Couldn't you have pretended to be more offended? Idiotic cool cucumber."

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part Two

Viewing the searches that led to this place, it seems like many of you are very concerned with what happened to the balding head of Jacques Kallis.

It's not a mystery, Jakes just got inspired by Doug the Rug and rumour has it that the mop he boasts is of Russian heritage. No kidding there, the Russians have excellent hair in store.
Moreover, we already know the hair is capable of getting one double tons and makes one ram cars in the neighbour's gates.
That's some strong stuff he's got on his head.

Yes, that's all very interesting, but I seriously believe he could have styled his hair better. We all know Jakes is a horrible dresser, but that doesn't make up for the nightmare he has put me in with his horror of a hair-do. He currently gives me the image of being this:

Plainly nauseating. Like a simpson with an overly bad hair-day.

Personally, I feel Jakes should have gone with this:

As for some creepy, unknown reason, he reminds me exactly of such an old-fashioned Brit.
And he would look an amusement in white stockings.

Ricky Ponting's 36th Birthday

Can we talk of another strange coincidence? Better not, because the reasons of Australia winning were too clear.

For the first time in the series they could do something better than looking like clueless chickens being chased by English greyhounds. For the first time in the series, two Aussie bowlers were everything apart from crap and took 18 wickets between them. And not for the first time in the series the Huss batted to save a few Aussie lives.

In the meanwhile, the English batsmen were rubbish, and it was incomprehensible some people were already labeling their South African born players to be destined saviours of the game and complete the run chase. Ha, never. Saffers who play for SA can do a Perth, not the others. At least that's a fate I hope they're doomed to in my mean, Saffa-oriented mind.

So now all Aussie fans are happy happy, but to be honest, I'd have a few concerns. Both Hilfy and Siddle Widdle got only one wicket in the match, and if Mitch has a nightmare Test again, Australia might have bowler trouble again.

And oh yeah, the batting. The Huss is nearing his pension, so Ricky and the rest better get moving to earn theirs.

The Hair of Jacques Kallis: Part 1

We all know what a little confidence can do. We all know what a little change can do.

Put them together, and voila, you have a previously unattainable result.

In the case of Jacques Kallis, South African over-sized, chicken pasta devouring legendary batsman, the confidence and change hid themselves in the form of the mop of brown hair that now resides on a previously balding head. (Admittedly, it's still balding, ask the blokes who treated him for a hair transplant).

Kallis played 142 Tests before this one, never got a double. He's back for his 143rd with a new hairstyle and he does. Don't be simplistic and blame it on coincidence, because I don't take coincidence just like that. Among other constant factors the hair was the only change so it MUST be responsible for the score of 201*. My vague studies of science suggest that, so it must be true.

There's also the legend of hair-power of course. Samsonhair gives you extra power. Elvis Presley hair will turn you into a powerful maniac capable of conquering Jupiter in one day. And Shahid Afridi hair will get you a million contracts with shampoo advertisers.

Time to get a mop on that head, bald men.

The man with the mop conquers the world.

Comeback Star Cartoon: Mitchell Johnson

Mitch showed yesterday how a little axing can do wonders, which is why he gets a cartoon from me. He is lucky it was already made when he got out on a meager ONE or I'd made one of the Huss instead.

Edit: He took 3 wickets more and got the MoMmy, so he's forgiven. True champ.

16th of December

The start of two whopping big Test matches is what made 16th of December so extra special. It was like having double cake on your birthday.

Until yesterday, Australia's share in the cake was a gooey mess, but today it looks lots more solid and better. In this post, it's onwards to the Safrican Test though, because I have to gloat.

What had we talked about so consistently before the series started? India's batsmen are usually crappy in Saffaland and Dalo and Morras have their bulldozers out already to crunch them like swooning daisies. Alright, such did happen. It feels a bit good to know predicting talk before the series came down to reality.

While I'm not going to deny the possibility of the Protea batsmen being tormented by a similar fate (it's a mean pitch, you know), the Indian batsmen did look in a clueless shambolic state. Not good when your batsmen weigh more than the bowlers in the team.

I missed most of the day, but I was there to witness Bhajji get run out in what is one of the unluckiest and satisfying ways I've seen. The rogue threatened to record his third ton, but hello, there was Boucher playing peekaboo. Through his legs, on the stumps. Bhajji dropped his bat in mere shock of the spectacle. I celebrated.

Bhajji gets a thumb up for his dismissal.

As for Lopsy, his day went in tatters. As a consolation, he ought to get the last wicket today.

That's it. Now I will go to see how Australia kick England around and later, the Saffers amass 400 runs.

They've put Hauritz on the Streets

That selectors are barbarians we all know already. But that they are capable of putting a former international Test player out of his house is a new revelation.

Yes people, this is news enough to make you spew your heart out: Nathan Hauritz, Australia's former legspinner, was seen SELLING Test cricket gear in front of a cardboard box before his apartment.
Now doesn't that conjure up a a woeful picture of poor Nate sitting in front of his home with a few rags on and selling his belongings for survival? Is there no compassion then left in the world?

In the meanwhile, Australia are having a good time with their Beer. Well, an anxious time more accurately, but in the interim Warnie is having a real good time by embarking on another controversial affair. Screw the villain, he didn't even bother to get Nate back in the squad.

I've told you the story, to act is upto you now. At least buy Nate a nice Christmas gift.

See, he's already packed his luggage. Poor boy.

I'm off to Australia

To become their newest spin sensation.

I have spun the ball a few occasions in my backyard, so I have experience.

I also used to be vice-captain at my school one time where I was a premium right arm medium fast swinger. That doesn't matter of course, spinners with another bowling background are able to bring more to the field.
I've also never taken a wicket as a spinner, but that doesn't matter either, the selectors will know I've been saving all my wickets for the Ashes.

Hildy, Warney and Co. also like to select an occasional oddball or one with a strange name, so they might want to get a girl in their team for a change.

All what is left to do is to get free tickets to Australia and the notice of the selectors. For the first task I will indeed pretend to be a naive Belg with a cricket twitter handle and for the latter you folks can just go around with a few banners at the next game bearing my name.

If Beer is eligible to play for the Ashes, then so am I.

The Current Ashes Show for the Aussies

Australia lost. And they're lost about selection.

Ricky clearly doesn't like it.

The Aussie press didn't like it any more, so they've gone off to their fat files of lambasting articles which they of course had already prepared before the Ashes started.
Boy, were they furious. Just look at the headers:

"The Ashes? Forget it-this side would be lucky to beat Bangladesh"

"Australian cricket has become a product of rampant self-indulgence"

"Let's rearrange the deckchairs in the Australian team",

.....and on, and on. Just can't put my head in all of them.


It's understandable that one does indeed want to play the role of a little whinger when witnessing a performance as abysmal as Australia's, but more important than this, there's the team itself. Yes, the Aussie team combination, the question of whether tiny Hughes or Khawaja opens, whether they realise North isn't a cent worth, and whether they should pick Warne or Hauritz.

Just damn that last question, how it even became a question is ridiculous. As if the current Aussie team doesn't feel demoralised enough already.

About the second speculation the news doesn't seem positive, as this is what Ricky's got to say:
"He'll be a bit disappointed with his week's work here.I still believe that he's got great value to the team."

Ricky, may you please elaborate what value? Because I can honestly assure you he'd bring greater value as runner boy for drinks. Just give it a try.

And before academic books drag me away (they're true criminals), I have to say it's time they picked Nate again and actually persisted with him for a while. Not some other spinner picked out of obscurity, please.

Australia's Mounting Misery

It's one of those times of the year when exams are around. They're niggardly scoundrels, I'm telling you.

They can't however provide me the relief of staying oblivious of what shambolic hotchpotch show the Aussies are currently staging in Brisbane.

I can already hear it gurgling and boiling disgustingly.

Stir...stir....Dougie hair...sizzle Siddle....Ricky spit....prrrrtttt....bloOp.

I hope you get the idea of disgusting now.

But sometimes one needs to play the role of a goofy optimist, which is EXACTLY what I'm going to do. The Huss will break Brian Lara's record. North will pinch Sachin's bat, score a hundred and never be dropped from the side. (Wait, that isn't optimistic, but Australia have driven me to the extent of making such predictions, strangle THEM if you want).
And on the last day Warnie will jump out of the commentary box and bowl out the Poms.

That's how crooked Nostradamus Nutjob predictions are. They're crooked, but nice. Nice is nice.

The Best Movember Moustaches

Movember is over. Time to get the razors out, moustache men, and be back clean shaven to the cricket. Unless you like to look like an unkempt drunk.

I was at first slighty bewildered by the excessive amount of moustached men appearing, but now I think it's time to examine the best of all. After all, as men must know, growing proper moustaches is an art. If you only manage to grow a stubble, you're a horrible amateur.

So here are the nominations and the eventual winner:

Kevin Pietersen

Expected he'd be the first one to send his picture in. Clearly trying to gain a new nationality by appearing as French hotel receptionist. Lost; too creepy. Besides, bathroom pictures don't count.

Peter Siddle

Aha, our first Aussie. And clearly he didn't get the concept behind Movember. Siddle Widdle, you were supposed to grow a bloody MOUSTACHE not a little pencil stub of a beard. And before I disqualify you on the grounds of not adhering to instructions, I'll remind you that vampires are seriously old-fashioned.

Mahendra Singh Dhoni

Too much of an ordinary style, messy stubble but nice white teeth. The latter isn't a bonus point though, so you're out. Next.

Ben Hilfenhaus

Judging by the German-like name appearance, I had expected a trademark Hitler moustache but he's just given me the facial hair of a young lad. I'm unimpressed.

Mitchell Johnson

Well, that's nice of you to pose so professionally Mitch, but I'm hopelessly scatterbrained. What are you smelling? Did Ricky just go up in flames?



Dale Steyn

Too deceptive. He's been keeping the same thing on his face since ages; a moustache that seems like it's becoming a moustache but doesn't look like a moustache altogether. How can I possibly let you win if I'm not even sure whether that's a real moustache or one still growing?





Ricky Ponting

Ricky, we all know you don't like to shave. Don't try to demonstrate this facial hair chaos was there for the Movember event.

No winner so far. Oh wait, I've just got an interesting one in. It's Little Stuey. He really thinks it's going to work, doesn't he?

Sorry, but this is cheating Broady. To have a moustache, you need to become a real grown up man first. Disqualified.

Seems like I will need to call the competition off. Oh no, wait, because here's Merv Hughes. Now if that isn't a gigantic walrus monster of a moustache, clearly the winner. And yes, I know he had it since the day he was born, but because he kept it during Movember, he is considered legitimate for winning the competition.

Three trucks of moustache dye for you, mate.



The Ashes is Alive

In the form of a lady in America who is a babysitter and has a twitter handle @theashes. Strange, no? Yes, strange it is indeed.

It gets even stranger when you know she doesn't know what cricket is. Which is a shame considering it's the vehicle she's getting all of her fame through. Vodafone and Qantas airline are already offering her a flight and tickets for FREE to Australia.
It's time I got such a cricket handle and pretend to be a naive Belg having no bloody clue what cricket is.

For your own interest, you can follow the lady in order to discover the journey of a babysitter towards the shores of cricket. And if you're a nice person, explain her what cricket and all really is. Or if you don't have time for that, explain to @MakhayaNtini what twitter is. The old bloke is having some troubles.

How England and the Aussies tried to kill TC

Imagine Test cricket to be a little balding guy with a WG Grace beard and a Don Bradman cap who appeared at Straussy's door on the fourth day of the first Test.

"Ya going to take a stumble today, isn't it so Andy?"

"Shuddup," Strauss grumbled. "Take a stumble and then pay the Barmy Army four hundred
crates of beer in retaliation. Never."

"But I'll get sick otherwise..."

Strauss wasn't even listening. "On the contrary, I'm going to trott around my crease and make a hundred. Haha, 'trott' around, did you get that pun? You need to tell Trotters how smartly I used his name, he's with Cooky playing Farmville on Facebook."

Dejected, TC sauntered to the computer room. He tugged at Cook's sleeve.

"Hey, you going to get out for a duck today, right?"

Cook gasped. "Are you nutters? Have you heard of Trescothick? And Cosgrove? I suck once more, and they're going to take my place. I'm going to get a double ton."

TC winced and looked hopefully at Trott.

"Don't even think of it moron. I'm going to plough that entire bloody Gabba pitch. That's why I'm playing Farmville, to practise it."

The pitch after Trott was done ploughing.

Half of TC's beard turned gray and he hurried to the Aussie dressing room.

"Listen all of you filthy twats!" he shrieked.
 Watto was the first one to look up. Only Kattich was smart enough not to.
"All of you lousy bowlers who can't take some darn wickets, go play for Greenland! You're polluting me with your abysmal bowling, disgracing me, dumping me away like crap-how am I, Test Cricket, supposed to live then? You get those Poms out for 200 and keep the boring draw away from the Ashes, keep the possibility of losing 5-0 open, otherwise..."

"Otherwise what little shoutbag?" Ricky smirked. He was a bit surprised too, he'd never seen a more grumpy dwarf like him.
He continued,"It's all part of the plan, you know. Mitch being trash and all, stupid Straussy is going to think we suck at playing but it's all psychological mind control really, and then on the big day we strike. We're still figuring out when that big day will be, though. Maybe in the last Test."

"But..."

"No buts, please. Go play checkers with Binga."

Seething and boiling to a red pumpkin, TC took off his Bradman cap and ate it. Then he cursed, spat on the Gabba pitch and dissolved in fire.

He ain't dead though, he watched the Aussies and Poms go according to plan and draw, and now he's waiting for the next game.

If that's a draw, then that's minus one from his steadily reducing lives.

Ban those draw freaks and pitch curators.

Ricky Ponting doesn't want his Job

Out for a 10. And that too on a ball which wasn't outstanding.

Makes you think whether Ricky is too keen on his job or not. He himself said he'll be made the worm on a fishing rod if the Aussies get their bottoms kicked in the Ashes this time around. Alright, he didn't say that, but he believes it's going to be adieu for ever if such happens. So why Ricky didn't you score as much as the Huss did? Why did you have the countenance of a grumpy toad when North got out? (come on, own up you knew all the way he was going to be his usual rubbish self. Until the last innings of the last Test arrives of course.)

I haven't even got to Clarke then. Another bloke who doesn't want the captaincy it seems. It might be back trouble, but Pup since a long while hasn't looked vicious at all. But I don't exactly blame the guy for it, he's unconsciously internalised the role of a puppy now and there's not much one can do about that.

Contrary to much of the crappy batting described until now, the Huss was party swinging at the Gabba and together with Katich and Houdini Hads given Australia a goodish kind of score. Now here's a guy who really wants to have a place in the team, hurray!

The Poms won't be pleased, but if the Huss goes early in the morning things might cheer up for them a bit. And then we'll have Finn jumping 6 feet in the air again.

The picture of the day belongs to him, by the way.

And my word, if you half close your eyes you'll see he looks a bit like a mystic fellow with legs half the lenght they should be. And shoe prints stamped on his bottom.

Peter Siddle has Poms on His Cake

Siddle couldn't have known he'd get 6 Pommies for his birthday. 6 bloody wickets in the first Ashes test on the first day and including a hat trick too. Even mollycoddled brats don't get birthday presents as good as these.

Not many expected it for sure, and that was just the nice thing about it. Unpredictable and nice, just like Siddle's appearance today; unfolded collar and weird facial hair. Okay, the facial hair wasn't very nice and I just hope Siddle hasn't assumed from Twilight playing the Vampire is cool these days.

It also seems my theory of teams considered superdogs before a game doing bad is being slowly verified. Which is why I'm telling you South Africa is in horrible form for the World Cup and the Indian series. Don't even think they'll do anything of note.

Lastly, though the day belonged to Siddle, the picture of of the day goes to Twatto. No one can seriously pose better as a twat than him. Don't tell me he doesn't look here like he's dancing with a punched jaw and electrocuted hair.

The Ashes Mentals

By now the Poms and Aussies are in bed, agitatedly snoring and dreaming of little urns, because tomorrow is an important day. Tomorrow as the first ball will about to be released from the hand of a currently unknown bowler, specks of dust on the Brisbane pitch will be unsettled and sniff the leather of the red object, the movement of it will be most majestical and seemingly eternal. Better than statues dancing in Athens. Better than the slow-motion crap they have in sci-fi movies. It will be divine.

So I thought I may write a preview for these heavenly moments to happen.

M- Match: Bloody hell, don't you dare ask what match it is. It is the first match of the umpteenth Ashes series between England and Australia at Brisbane in Australia on Earth. It would be a shame hadn't you known all of this stuff.

E- Dunno yet what this should stand for.

N- Nutjob Nostradamus: Among weird predictions I expect Swann to take on the field for Australia tomorrow as a solution for their spin problems, taking KP's wicket, and consequently giving Strauss a psychological breakdown. Vaughan comes as replacement skip and Ricky loves it. Oh boy, he surely does.

T - Total Bucks Worth: I'll settle for 8/10; I mean, the value of this match. After all it's the Ashes, and even as a neutral supporter you're compulsory to like them. And as a neutral supporter my brain is still thankfully intact from the paranoia of losing that these matches bring. Haha, bring it on folks.

A-Ass-Kicking Abilities

Australia: Win the toss, and then beg Siddle and Mitch to declare hell. A bit of a supportive idea for the younger blokes to do well is that a good Ashes series can make a permanent place, which is difficult considering many are still queueing for them. Yeah, even Marcus North is still standing in the line.

England: Many, many, many. Nice bowling, nice batting. They're already getting their stamping boots on.

L- Losing Proficiencies

Australia: Many wonderful opportunities, the best of a lifetime actually. Mitch just needs to get an e-card from his mom, Xavier Dorothy a nightmare debut, and Pup a hairline fracture. If Punter doesn't get a big one, it's looking bad for the Aussies. Humph.

England: KP's emotional batting traumas can be dangerous (and hopefully contagious), only Jimmy has bowled in Aussieland before and Strauss isn't as tough a cookie as Ricky is. Also, they might get too smug, cocky and over confident. And that might be the Aussie plan, aha.

S- Spectator Inspection

There are going to be GAZILLIONS of crazy people swarming the stadium and the Barmy Army is going to fire a few cannons. Boy, I'm hoping for a few throat grabbing incidents and field invasions too. A la World Cup 1975..or whenever we had one around those years.

You probably already guessed I'm not neutral, yes, I'm not exactly. I'm supporting the Aussies this time for the reasons that I see they might get crumpled and it's better to support the weak rather than the ruling bosses. Also supported the Poms last time around so now an Aussie turn. Fairness in life is good.

Chins Up, Kiwis.

Yes, they may have lost this match by an innings, but how proud of a 1-0 Test victory over the Blackaps the Indians will be I don't know. The Kiwi boys however can dance like crazy Rumplestiltskins if they want (alright, a little jig would do, they didn't win it), because being just bestowed by the knowledge of having pulled of a feat which the Aussies weren't able to a month or so ago must feel good. Pretty good, actually. We're talking about the once invincible Aussies after all.



So the two good things the Blackaps did were the draws. The shit part, of course, was this match. Doesn't matter really, because if you know a bit how to throw numbers around you'll understand the good : bad = 2 : 1. Damn, how I just missed my math classes.



The best part of the entire series I already talked about, and with a half decent brain you'll remember it was Chris the bald Ninja doing his mojos and hadoukens and weird stuff when he rattled the Indians. Too bad Bhajji spoiled it. Now that we're talking of it, this Bluebearded criminal in my books got the man of the series award. Worst of all, he got it through his batting.



At least Dan got 4 wickets more than Bhajji in the series. Now that's at least some consolation.

(I had to post this yesterday, but internet problems busted my plan).

AB, the Umpires and Biff's Brain

AB scored 278 today. Well. Well, well. 278 might look an ordinarily excellent score but not if you take the story of the two blind umpires and the one of selfless Biff in account. Because now it's become almost a fairytale.

The story is one where on the first day of the second Test, two old men responsible for surveillance of play on the field turned blind. Just blind, all of a sudden, and I can tell you the Basilisk wasn't slithering around anywhere. Because of this AB didn't get out twice when he should have been, and so he decided it was time to get out a bulldozer and flatten the tiring Stani bowlers to crushed cornflakes. Stani fans now think the time has come to dump Umpire Asoka in some Chilean mine and don't inform the rescuers about it.

Alright, he was a lucky lad, but about 200 runs followed in which he was just bloody brilliant, everything made even more brilliant by Gul involving in conversational skills unknown to mankind. Thank you Gul, thank you AB, thank you Mike Haysman.

Nothing was over, however. AB made 150, 200, 250, oh boy, it just wasn't enough. AB was running on the galaxies with Bolton owned Nike sneakers and all around it was raining lollipops. Then they called him for tea and AB didn't want to bat anymore, but the all-wise Boofus Biff said 'Damn that rubbish. You're going to play, break my record and allow my goodness to prevail.'
So AB went out and did it. The 300 was in sight...nearly there...and then the lights went out.

Okay, can anyone now explain to me the workings of Boofus Biff's brain? Don't worry, I'm prepared for a very complex evaluation. Or maybe I'm not, so here's what I think. See, if you know the Saffer cricket watching folks you'll know plenty of them don't really like Biff. Biff doesn't like that either, and he's got his reasons because they'll just blame him for everything. Even if he scores a thousand runs, and the team loses he's a brainless calf with a square head. Today was thus the opportunity to spread some love and show he doesn't care about his milestones and let AB get it. It was still generous and most unScroogelike I'd say.

As to about not letting AB get to 300; I don't know. It really wasn't a matter of 3 or 5 overs dictating the match's result, so according to me it was plain brainlessness. Strangely, AB said
he was a happie chappie with what he got and didn't look ahead to the 300. Yes AB, we all know you're a team man, but come on, we really could have done with a Saffer getting 300. It kinda sucks seeing none of our batsmen have got more than 278 while Lara's got 400 and the rest 300 plusses. The shame of it.

Chris Gayle didn't really deserve that Triple

For some reasons, I think Chris Gayle was not the right bloke to get a second triple ton.

See, let's say as a kid you have an old-fashioned sugar aunt who visits regularly on the first Sunday of every month. You don't like her because she's slightly old and senile, pinches your cheeks, regurgitates the pastor's sermons, wears droopy shawls and smells of some weird repugnant Parisian cologne.

Worst of all, you're expected to sit there with her all the morning like a neatly combed pup and listen to her endless prattle. Which is why you pray to God the Yeti will one day come to kidnap her, tear her into smithereens and then devour her. Yum, yum. Okay, that's disgusting, but let's agree that these are naughty bad thoughts, particularly when you consider how many gifts Aunty gives.

Ah yes, she isn't a parsimonious prick, she brings you delicious meringues, cookies and chocolates everytime she comes, yet you loathe her despite her trying to be actually nice to you. Shame on you bastard.

So basically Chris Gayle doesn't like his sugar aunt Test cricket because she isn't cool like Uncle T20, yet he shamelessly takes the many gifts she brings. Oolala, the only dude to have two triples looks cool, he says. And yet he wont love Aunty Test.

So there, he didn't really deserve it this way. The other he of course did, because he scored the runs himself.

Now try to make sense out of all of this. You should.

Pak vs SA: The Suspicious Numeros

The unfairness of Test cricket is that due to its long duration you're not able to watch the entire game, which means you miss chunks of the it. Which also means you can miss the most lovely parts. Which happened twice in the course of this match with me, when the Saffers lost 8 wickets for 73 and the Stanis 8 for 72.

Cheaters, you say. Aha.

Of course getting mathematical figures so close in cricket is very suspicious, particularly because mathematical figures are difficult to duplicate. And with our brains already being automated to perceive most things suspicious where Pakistan is involved, this all forms an oversuspicious situation that demands investigation. Beefy Butt will of course blow up at this. Bastards, he says, this was Pakistan's pre-planned thing so it isn't their fault they batted second. Also, batting collapses are something absolutely Stani-like, so replicating them is plagiarism. Sue the South Africans.

But before your delicate brains become too intertwined in this strange story of matching numbers, let me explain today's day in a simple way:
Pakistan was rising. But then started tumbling. And tumbling. And tumbling. Until they there was no more tumbling left to do. It were Harro and Botes who pushed them, but Morne Morkel it was who dragged them all along.
Finis.

Well not exactly finis because I'm ending this post with pictures.

Paul Harris prayed for wickets..

...but half of them went to Botes, even though he had dirty yellow teeth and had smeared the toothpaste on his face.

Morne Morkel had to look dangerous and awesome, so he grew a pair of extra arms.

But then Biff cried because he wanted a pair of them too.

Cartoon: The Flight of Zulqi

No mention so far from me on all the brouhaha going on about Zulqy, Pakistan's comparatively nicer wicky, running away. I've only got a cartoon, which may not make too much sense.

If you're a clever buddy, you will be able to figure out the bloke with the red eyes is upto something really bad and the bloke with the watery ones upto something really noble.

Harbhajan Singh, Spoiler of the Good

Just when you thought a Kiwi win was inevitable, an it it meagre chances of not happening seemingly rested alone on super brilliance by Waxman, Bhajji came on as unwanted saviour, scored his first maiden ton, and spoiled all the good fun a Blackap win would have brought.
The heartless bastard.

That he has been one big unbearable baddie since he invaded cricket is a well known thing, but meanness to the Kiwis is more unacceptable than Ramiz Raja's haircut.

And on top of it, the Indian selectors won't ever drop him now, probably. He may have been bowling rubbish, but with his ton he has indoctrinated folks enough for another 5 years that he is India's most recently discovered awesome batting sensation, while he clearly isn't. Time to throw the guy out.

All Hail the Kiwis and Chris Martin

Before the series between India and the Blackaps started, I thought of doing a post requesting the Indians to be a bit generous to the Kiwis and beat them gently if they will. I had a presentiment that after the disastrous tour to Bangladesh, the Kiwis would end up as mustard midgets at the hand of India and Daniel Vettori would run crying to Geneva to start his life as an evil scientist in recluse.

But today we were shown that goodness is bestown on the good. The Kiwis are noble folks, they rarely thrash anyone and they won the ICC Spirit of Cricket Award twice in a row. Yes, it's true, and if you are still not convinced you should remind yourself they are led by a man with spectacles. There's too much good about spectacles.

Anyhow, today it was India who was turned into smithereens for a change. Bloody India who almost never lose on their own fields and robbed the Saffers of a Test series victory are now lying in a hopeless rubble and only some Laxman is out to glue them together. All of we have to pray that doesn't happen because that would seriously spoil Chris Martin's heroics.

Chris Martin is the coolest bald ninja on earth. He proved he can survive for plenty of balls and can take 5 wickets in a day without going crazy as a result of the achievement. He radiated so much superhero-ness today that Dan the Man couldn't even act as his sidekick.

That's Chris Martin's move to hit someone in the head.

JesseR and that new guy Williamson deserve lots and lots of praise for their batting work too, together with Taylor and Baz, but nothing would look as great if the Kiwis didn't win this one know.
The only advantage of this would be Jesse Ryder not getting drunk in the celebrations.

But anyhow Blackaps, win it. Just win it.

The Crime of Dropping Rusty

After the fourth ODI I had intended to rattle on and on about the cricketing brilliance these two awesome sides have produced until you would have been dizzy with it. But annoyingly I wasn't able to, because I was here:

Ooh yes, and the copyrights belong to ME.

That doesn't mean I will forget about the atrocity of selection the Saffers commited in leaving Rusty to warm the bench in Friday's game. Dropping Rusty, your BEST death-bowler who actually ensured you weren't down 1-2 after the third game, can only be a result of deliberate malice and pettiness. Either this or A-grade lunacy. I hope it's not the latter, because if it is, there's no reason why we may see some crackpots seeing no harm in dropping him again for the final game.  

Rusty together with Lopsy can be the solution to the Saffers' death bowling problems, so you need to have him play every bloody game before the World Cup. That, or he may turn really sour and get purple hair for real.

So yes, choose Rusty, the endangered gingerhead who can bend his back in weird angles and has nerves of steel. No kidding there.

Jokers save ODI cricket

Yesterday, you had a bunch of insipid nutjobs trying their best to make cricket a winner. ODI cricket that is. They were entirely selfless in the job, and decided as long as the game was interesting, it didn't matter who won. It's only this way you can explain Pakistan initiating their batting shit all over again when they only required 20 from 19 and SA shamelessly dropped catches. It was like both teams having this kind of dialogue as a forum suggested:
SA: "Hey Stanis, our Amla kept us still in the game, but take the game now. Slowly."
Pak: "Ah no, after you Saffers."
SA: "We seriously don't want it..go ahead. After you, gentlemen."
Pak: "No, no after you."
SA: "Let's both mess things up then and then see who gets lucky in the end, okay?"
Pak: "Great idea. Let's do it."

And that's how this boisterous slap stick comedy started. Hash was the only one who tried to get things a bit sane, but that's because he's such a level-headed, incredible person who bloody knows how to keep a wicket and play good Samaritan for his team.
The game's biggest comedian was probably third umpire Zameer Haider who actually decided that in this age of unparalleled technology anything that looks real might not be so and thus he gave AB out. Or maybe he was confused and despite the replays was overcome by so much pompous thoughts that he didn't reverse the decision, and I didn't feel much like watching the match after this. Until it was Pakistan's turn to perform their act of course. They are gems on the stage.

Imran Farhat and Asad Shafiq were playing Test cricket which left Fawad Alam with too much of an arduous task to do than his little muscles could handle. In the end he had to resort to using fellow batsmen as support stands whenever they came in, and pretend he was narrating advice from John Buchanan's gospel to them. It didn't help though, and the Stanis lost. By bloody two runs. Johan Botha would have turned into a vampire and eaten Biff's flesh if the Saffers had lost this one.

Of course you're all forgetting the real champion; Rusty. Yes, the endangered gingerhead bowled a wonderful last over and though it was briefly interrupted by Albertus Morkel trying to revenge himself by dropping a catch (he didn't bowl once in the match), Rusty shone in the end and merrily continues his campaign of conquering the world. It's time you shook hand with him because I'm not sure how fond he is of his foes.

Abdul Razzaq is the new Boom-Boom

It would rock to be Abdul Razzaq for even one bloody day. Preferably during an exam session, because answering questions would be easier than getting Chris Martin out for a duck then. If Razzaq entered your anxious soul, you would be writing answers this way:
"What's the importance of the three witches in Macbeth?"

"Dat they r 3 cool old hags who boil weird thingies in their cauldron. Just yesterday they put an armadillo with cat paws in and I bet I even saw Dougie Bollinger following. He cried like an overgrown baby. So basically this makes 'em very scary and Macbeth is all about the scary stuff you know. No big deal. But I'm sure you've already bolted your door now, isn't it so examiner? Not that I care."
SIGNED....RAZZAK(Q)

It's so indifferent. And simple. 
As simple as Razzaq made hitting sixes look yesterday.
Yes, you fabulous old codger, ancient Pakistani who has survived for some bloody 15 years, annihilator of unsuspecting bowlers at the death, you deserve a free ride in the Pakistani team for another 15 years. It will be a most generous offer considering few survive less than 5 months there nowadays.

Greet the new Boom Boom with flowers and rose petals

But now we come to Albie. Oh, Albie. I thought you were meant to be the next Polly, the next Klusener (or was that Morne? They're shamelessly naming so many successors of them these days that I'm left in a muddle), but what do you do? BOWL LITTLE LOLLIPOPS. Lollipop bowlers are supposed to be sent back to domestic cricket. I hope you get that.

The best thing about yesterday's match was that it can boast of being interesting. At least ever since Afridi and then Razzaq stepped in to bat. Haha, that's a blow to the 'ODIs are so dead' campaign. Then there was also Colly Ingram scoring his second ton there, hats off to the boy; it's sad his day had to be ruined later. Equally good was that some sense can be knocked into the messed up Saffer heads; sense that they need to get their damn bowling line up right and include Rusty.

Yes, you almost forgot about him, so I'll remind you; Rusty Theron- endangered gingerhead with deathly bowling capabilities. Needs to be recalled to the team ASAP.

The cloning of the previous match: 2nd T20

Pakistan batted first.

Pakistan batted shit again.

Imran Farhat might never get an average above 8.

Shahid Afridi might never acquire even o.1 percent sanity.

Lopsy did wonders with the ball.

Rusty did even greater wonders.

SA's top order shuddered.

JP and Ingram controlled things.

Shoaib Akhtar sweat more than Ishant has water in his body.

Misbah is doomed to play that ridiculous half-scoop shot and will only be granted redemption if he paddles down the Nile with the same movements.

Peace.

Ingram defeats Stani Madman: 1st T20

You wonder how Shoaib Akhtar is still alive. As a cricketer, I mean. Apart from his body's Freddie like capabilities, you'd think the PCB would have been able to exterminate him from Pakistan cricket by now, but he has miraculously survived. Nothing more than proving he's a monster for real. Cool.
Even cooler was that over of his were he got two wickets, and with it you could wash down the shit that Pakistan's batting was. I wasn't really pleased (damn, remember you had to be the best batsman AB?), but few things in cricket are as good to watch as a sweaty Shoaib taking wickets and imitating fighter planes. Woohoo, an F-16 with oil spluttering over it. Fabulous.


Right, can we now come to the gazillionth time towards the Stanis batting woes? They've got serious problems, as you already know, but the seriousness of the matter is emphasized by how they tumbled to 120 runs after such a fantastic start. I really need a model of Afridi's brain too, and figure out whether common sense exists there at least in 0.1 percent. I'm afraid I'll be disappointed.

The Saffer batting looked a bit sick at the start (but that happens when Boofus Biff is on the screen), but if you thought they would lose, then you forgot about Ingram. Aha, Ingram. Yes, great lad isn't he? He even made JP look nice. Or maybe it was JP actually getting some runs which made him look nice.

Saeed Ajmal kickstarted the scary fielding episode of the Stanis again, but the fielding still won from the batting. In scoring bad marks, that is.

So that's it from here, I'm really looking forward to seeing today's match, hearing Waka-Waka blare across the stadium, see Rusty advancing in his world domination, and also see Mohammad Asif invading the stadium while Veena Malik sings ballads on the roof.

SA vs Stanis Mentals

South Africa's season against Pakistan FINALLY starts tomorrow. For me, that's after three bloody years of waiting, as after those series in 2007 where the Stanis ridiculously lost the last one dayer, I had scampered off to search for the next series dates and that was 2010. Time passes, doesn't it?

Anyhow, these series are so highly anticipated because I have all the reasons in the world to watch them. The Saffers and Stanis are two teams I love watching see how they take the shit out of other teams, so that normally puts me in a sort of dilemma when they play each other. My support tilts normally in the Proteas' favour, but a Stani win doesn't disappoint me then so much. How nice.

I'm predicting it to be a wonderfully exciting series, so you absolutely need to know what I think will be happening through this Mental preview.

Matches- Alright, the tour starts with two Twenny-twennies, the first to kick off tomorrow. After that we have 5 ODI matches which will most likely not be rained off because it's pretty hot in the UAE, as it is in India, but unlike India, it almost never rains there. After that we've got 2 tests and the idiots behind this I fail to recognise. 2 tests are worse than having to do with a half cup of tea.

Expectations and all that blah- Aha. If the Stanis were playing in the Saffers' backyard, I'd say they would be losing easily most of the games. But since the series is in the UAE, I expect at least one drawn test match and a few Stani wins. It could be the opposite too of course, I've never fancied playing the role of Nostradamus.

N- I'm going to imagine something for this N. Later.

T- Same goes for T.

Ass-kicking abilities (both teams)
The Saffers are usually heartless juggernauts when it comes to bilateral series. Batting looks great at the moment, especially with Hash and AB in form.
There are a couple of young lads too, and they're all trying hard to play the World Cup.
The Stanis are always busy locating their lighter, and the moment they do, they'll ignite themselves. And then they will win. Bowling still looks their best part, and then there's mad monster Shoaib still running around. You wonder how he's still alive.

Losing abilities
If Rusty doesn't continue with his campaign of conquering the world well, the Saffers might be in trouble with their bowling. Wait, there's Dale and Morkel...but how the UAE pitches will work for them I don't know. Get yourself an Imran Tahir, idiots.
Buffalo Biff might be a factor too. If he grows warts on his nose, he will be running around with his hands on it instead of picking at it, as he does now.
And the Stanis? Batting....batting.....batting.....fielding. Don't mention.

I know it's a bit of a lousy post probably, and I'm doing it after several days, but someone's come to stay at my house for a while which basically makes it a privilege to getting some time on the net. And I can't have my guest running away from my place either. I know the booby traps of Home Alone otherwise very well, you know.

The Return of Younis

The twitchy dude who retired from T20s more than a year back and later on got kicked out of the team for supposed unprincipled behaviour is back. WHAT? What do you mean what? We're talking about a Pakistani player here, so don't be surprised.

I knew Younis would be back. If mad monster Shoaib got back, then for Younis it's an easy peasy job. Of course there was this big brouhaha about him not complying with the universal PCB laws written and ordered by Beefy Butt, but now it's over and he's ready to play in all three formats of the game.

All three formats of the game.

Dear me. I think I'm losing track of the amount of Stani players who retire from one format and after a few months are back to play again. Afridi will be back for the Tests, folks.

"Fight me if you can cowards, I'm back to be captain again."

Younis also says he's "not in the race for captaincy". Now well, filthy fibber, is that the same as saying you're not interested in the job but smugly think they should be giving it to you all the same? You're going to be Stani captain in one year again Younis. At least in one format.

Interestingly, Younis is coming at the expence of MoYo going out. Out of all people, MoYo. Just when I thought victory had belonged to him he suffers this harmstring injury. MoYo was the winner because he very cunningly 'retired' after the PCB banned him unlike pleading his case as the others did, and wonderfully he was the first to return. So that's how you go to work morons, using the inexplicable power of the protest to get your thing done.

Gandhi would have been proud of you Moyo.

Ijaz Butt skating on Pakistan cricket's Ice Rink

Opening Cricinfo's article today about Ijaz Butt, the first thing that caught my attention was this line saying "how thin the ice is that the Pakistan board is currently skating on."
I immediately picturised a weird image which I bothered to draw.

The ice is thin, the man skating on it is heavy, and nothing looks hopeful.

Hash, Ingram, Taylor and the bowler clobbering

This match yesterday was all about batting, batting and batting. Which is horribly wrong, like making the bowling an outcast in the game.

The Saffers batted first after winning the toss and it was all Hash after that who wanted to show you how much he's still in form. He really is and he is the guy who is going to win us that World Cup finally. Remember, he might really turn out to be the prodigy to do it as he hasn't played for the Proteas in a semi or final so far. That sums up my very accurate prediction.

Biff playing made me realise why it's better he isn't captain because whenever he is, he feels he doesn't need to do much except for tinkering with his nose when his bowlers are getting clobbered over the field. And then telling us despite this happening that "..in patches with the ball we were very good, and at times we drifted a bit." A bit? It was so much drifting that the balls could have ended up in my backyard, otherwise Zimbabwe wouldn't have got till 287.

287. Doesn't that look scary? Taylor batted wonderfully, but the rest didn't do much, and of their bowlers Masakadza was the only one to get wickets.

The best part of the match was probably Ingram's knock. 124 on debut looks great. It doesn't only look great, it is great. It might have been Zimbabwe, but it was obvious the boy can bat and even better, it  means JP will have to play for his life. That, or he gets kicked out.
Miller got rid of his 20s disease too and scored a nice fifty, so that completed the batting festival.

I nearly forgot about Rusty, who made his debut too, and got 3 wickets. Better than all the rest.

The Saffers may have won, but I'm a bit scared of them facing the Stanis later this month now. Because they are no more than just good at the moment.

A Captain's Diary: Punter Version

13th of October, 2010.


07.00 am

Dammit. It's one of those days when a man should be lying in bed instead of waking up and getting one's ass kicked by Indians. Just to clarify, it's NOT my ass. I have been fantastic all these series, it are those other duds who think they can wear a baggy green without doing something formidable. Seriously, I wonder who these kids get their inspiration from. Me or Bryce McGain?

-----------

These meals in India are just horrible. The curry is almost coming out of my ears, need to tell my wife to send me packaged lunches from Oz.
Haha, Mitch just passed by and while he was looking away I dumped all of my food in his plate. When he gave that dumb questioning look of his I told him he will need all those calories today for putting in an epic performance. Of course I was clever enough not to give him my self-endorsed Swisse vitamins, those are only for me.


12.00 (lunch)

As expected, Mitch and Nate have locked themselves up in the washroom ever since they got out. Saw Dougie smuggling some food to the closet, and took it as an opportunity to drag them all out. After that I delivered one of my best pep-talks and Georgie Porgie Custard and Pie even asked an autograph afterwards. I'm going to become commentator after all. Maybe even the next President of America.

I've got all those poses practised already. That watch costs $ 640 btw.

14.26

Come on, get some wickets losers. Especially you Nate, take advantage of the brilliant field I've provided you with.

15.00 (tea)

Called up a few cricket mates and Pup to discuss what excuses we're going to make because this Test is totally lost. Don't have to forget to mention how good I played, how good Sachin played and how bad all the newbies felt for their stupid work. Only solace I can grant to them. But I don't think it's funny at all. Don't they realise I might get fired before I'm able to set Colly's head on fire in the Ashes?

16.38

Shit, shit, three billion times shit. We lost. 

19.00

Warnie should buy some brains. What does he mean I don't know my field placements? Nate just bloody can't bowl. If he has a problem he should talk on the phone, not on that Twatter thing.
-----
And now he's saying we're still mates. Like as in mates again? What do you mean fat finger lickin' halfwit? I don't want to be mates with someone like you. Not that we were ever mates in the first place, you never shared your pizzas with me and tried to show everyone how I couldn't play your spin bowling. Get lost.

20.00

Today I also told people they should realise I'm still the best bloke to lead the Aussies. I'm the most experienced, the most capable and the most ingenious and above all, I'm the most dedicated Aussie player around. But apparently no one gets that.

(i don't think i got my times right, but does that matter? i've got more important things on my head).

Rusty for ODIs and a few other things

I knew Rusty's purple hair would work wonders. He's been selected for the ODI series against Zimbabwe now.
True, the selectors didn't see him parading around with his fancy hair colour, but does that matter? Anyone who sees Rusty instinctly knows purple looks fabulous on him.
But now he will be playing for SA in the ODIs and that is brilliant.
What not so brilliant is though that neither Jakes nor Steyn will play. Dale can be excused but Jakes? Any opportunity for a greater fitness level cannot be ignored.

In other news, the Aussied lost to India, and probably for the first time in my life, I'm feeling a bit sorry for Ponting. Not much, only a bit.

Since I've had it a bit tough with posting since the last couple of days, I can only use the technique of anticipation a bit and tell you what I might be talking about in a few days to come. I know it's a dirty trick, but Shakespeare used it and so can I.
I might be posting up a first complete comic soon and it will be about Shoaib Akhtar and Ijaz Butt. You can already sense there's something creepy about that. Then I might show you a bit of Ricky's diary or even tell you about when I got invited to play for an international cricket team. Because gloating is fun.