Thursday, 14 October 2010

A Captain's Diary: Punter Version

13th of October, 2010.

07.00 am

Dammit. It's one of those days when a man should be lying in bed instead of waking up and getting one's ass kicked by Indians. Just to clarify, it's NOT my ass. I have been fantastic all these series, it are those other duds who think they can wear a baggy green without doing something formidable. Seriously, I wonder who these kids get their inspiration from. Me or Bryce McGain?


These meals in India are just horrible. The curry is almost coming out of my ears, need to tell my wife to send me packaged lunches from Oz.
Haha, Mitch just passed by and while he was looking away I dumped all of my food in his plate. When he gave that dumb questioning look of his I told him he will need all those calories today for putting in an epic performance. Of course I was clever enough not to give him my self-endorsed Swisse vitamins, those are only for me.

12.00 (lunch)

As expected, Mitch and Nate have locked themselves up in the washroom ever since they got out. Saw Dougie smuggling some food to the closet, and took it as an opportunity to drag them all out. After that I delivered one of my best pep-talks and Georgie Porgie Custard and Pie even asked an autograph afterwards. I'm going to become commentator after all. Maybe even the next President of America.

I've got all those poses practised already. That watch costs $ 640 btw.


Come on, get some wickets losers. Especially you Nate, take advantage of the brilliant field I've provided you with.

15.00 (tea)

Called up a few cricket mates and Pup to discuss what excuses we're going to make because this Test is totally lost. Don't have to forget to mention how good I played, how good Sachin played and how bad all the newbies felt for their stupid work. Only solace I can grant to them. But I don't think it's funny at all. Don't they realise I might get fired before I'm able to set Colly's head on fire in the Ashes?


Shit, shit, three billion times shit. We lost. 


Warnie should buy some brains. What does he mean I don't know my field placements? Nate just bloody can't bowl. If he has a problem he should talk on the phone, not on that Twatter thing.
And now he's saying we're still mates. Like as in mates again? What do you mean fat finger lickin' halfwit? I don't want to be mates with someone like you. Not that we were ever mates in the first place, you never shared your pizzas with me and tried to show everyone how I couldn't play your spin bowling. Get lost.


Today I also told people they should realise I'm still the best bloke to lead the Aussies. I'm the most experienced, the most capable and the most ingenious and above all, I'm the most dedicated Aussie player around. But apparently no one gets that.

(i don't think i got my times right, but does that matter? i've got more important things on my head).


Stani Army said...

My word! You reckon he slaps on that much make-up when he's about to come out to bat?

Nathan requested that field, said Ricky. Since Warne's tweet, Ricky is gonna come down even harder on Nathan now. I think everything is perfectly falling in to place for my prediction of Nathan not making the team for the Ashes. Ricky's gonna spank him for bringing such shame on his wonderful captaincy.

Warne's being clever. In Aus, everyone's a 'mate'.

sunny said...

Ricky never looks clean and all tidied up on the field Stani. That make up is for other occasions, but it looks bad, just as it does on all men. No?

Does Sid know of this prediction of yours? It might be all your fault actually if Nate doesn't get to play in the Ashes.

Stani Army said... be honest...and since you've asked, I look good make-up or no make-up :) (JOKING!)

Yep, I've been torturing Sid with my little prediction. She's been having nightmares so I told her that Swann is going to get injured and will be missing too, just to stop her from suicide.

sunny said...

And now because of your prediction, Anderson got out of the way. Well, that's at least one.

Stani Army said...

Damn, must adjust my aim...